August was sat directly outside the clinic in his car and as I stormed out of the door I didn't even really notice him, I just freaking hightailed away from the main building.

"Woah Em." August calls, quickly jumping out of his car to chase me and I know I should turn around to him, but I was emotional.

I recognised his voice immediately.

Why was he here? I never told him where I was going or when I'd be finished.

I don't think he's ever seen me cry.

I was going to cry.

I don't even fucking know why.

"Emersyn?" Hands plant themselves on my shoulder and I am spun around.

I was shaking in frustration, that's why I am tearful, because I am frustrated. The bloody paperwork clutched in my fist he searches my face quickly, looking for answers and when he can't really find them he asks it.

The dreaded question.

Oh god.

"Are you okay?"

I crumble.

I burst into tears, covering my face with my hands and August immediately tenses a little, pulling me to him and for someone who doesn't do emotional support, he at least knows that if a girl cries, pretty good idea to wrap your arms around her.

"Shit what the hell happened?"

I just cry, I always do this, hold things in and then they fucking explode. August just hadn't seen this. Usually when I am mad at him I am pretty composed.

"Emersyn speak."

I can't. Can he not understand that?

I am a sobbing mess right now.

I used to do this as a kid. Like get this upset over things that aren't even- like I don't need to be this much of a mess.

August pulls back and grabs my hand, me just still a mess as we walk towards his car and every time he looks at me I lift my hand to cover my face because I fancy him and I don't want him to see me ugly cry.

God.

"What did he say?" August asks and I still just shake my head.

"Em." He is serious now, looking back towards the clinic and I shake my head.

"No I'm- I just- it's not." I choke and he just opens the passenger door for me and I get it, he crouches down by the door, his hands in my legs, looking at me with this light concerned crease.

"Explain because I am on the verge of going in and asking for myself."

I shake my head. "Nothing." I say, I try, I stutter and I cover my face in embarrassment because there is no reason for me to be this upset. "I am just tired."

He rolls his eyes at me. "You don't sob over tired."

I smile a little. "I feel like you could do."

"Em, baby."

My stomach flips, this is not the time to be cute August.

God.

"I was just overwhelmed. I am sorry. I am literally fine."

"I haven't seen you cry like that before."

I look at him curiously. "Have you ever seen me cry?"

"I mean not recently." He says and I am shocked when his hand lifts to wipe the tears off my cheeks. "You freaked me out Em."

"Sorry." I snort, tossing the paper work onto the dash board and I properly wipe my face.

"August is it mad that I like who I am?"

His head cocks. "Explain."

"Everyone wants me to be less." I don't know how to explain it. I just pause. "Me."

He sighs, shaking his head at me.

"What happened?"

"Nothing." I mumble and pass him the pieces of paper. "The guy was just evaluating my different issues and he wants to put me on mood stabilisers but I just- my mood doesn't feel unstable."

August looks up at me.

"Apart from my mini breakdown, we're pretending that didn't happen."

He smiles, flicking through the two booklets. He shakes his head.

"This is what the issue is with these assholes, they don't even know you. Like how can he just decide yeah she's manic after an hour of knowing you. Mania is cyclical isn't it? Like you can have mania if you're always like this."

I nod, agreeing.

Happy as hell that he understood.

"I just don't- I get like mania can be an issue but surely it's the depression that actually is the issue with bipolar and I for sure don't have that."

He nods and rubs his hands across my thighs reassuringly. "Yeah you don't."

"So I just- why are they trying to change me? - I like who I am. I am not a bitch, I try to be nice and yeah okay I know I punched that woman in the face but she was really really horrible and I did it for Luella and-"

August is smiling, amused and when I meet his eyes he quickly relaxes his face and he nods, with me.

"And I just I have worked on trying to like myself you know, and it just hurts me that everything thinks there is something wrong with me."

He nods. "Yeah, so what if you make excessive amounts of Jam, who the hell cares."

I nod, pouting a little and he smiles. "Emersyn you don't need to change who you are. You are probably my favourite person, mania or whatever it is, hypo- included. Embrace it, why the fuck not."

I just stare at him.

I smile. "August how come you're even here?"

"Well mum came back from dropping Lottie off and I was sort of like subtly looking for you. She caught on quickly. Told me where she dropped you."

"so you came to pick me up?"

He nods a little. "Plus Rayne has a mate round and I can't be fucked to meet new people. Plus mum asked what was going on with us."

Curiosity got the better or me. "What did you say?"

"I said nothing, said you were with Rayne not me. Then she was like well Rayne had a mate stay round so clearly not and then I kinda just left."

"Oh god." I laugh and August looks at me cautiously.

"Are you fine now?"

I nod. "I just don't want to have to see that guy again."

"He wants you to see someone at Uni." He raises one of the pieces of paper, to indicate it is written in there.

"Yeah well stuff that. That was too intense."

"Yeah evaluations are a lot. I can't believe he tried to do both in one session."

I nod, happy that he understood. "I was stressed."

He frowns at me. "I am sorry."

I smile a little, shit we are so fucking different from when this whole little friendship started.

"Are we still going out tonight?" I ask.

He nods, a smile growing on my face. "I think you need to embrace this side of you. I need to just fuck things up a little, you wanna join?"

"Yeah." I whisper, reaching forwards and he links his fingers with mine.

I know we had done stuff before, and I know we still haven't been together together but I feel so close to him today after last night. It might be also because I know for sure I love him.

God imagine what he would do if he found out.

"Are you feeling up to it?" He asks. "We don't have to go to the restaurant if you don't want to."

"No I wanna be wine and dined." I say and he smiles a little, standing up and rubbing his knees as if they hurt. August shuts my car door softly and he walks around to me.

"Then you shall be wine and dined." He says as he gets in the drivers side. "Doesn't really feel like much effort on my part when we for sure are not paying for a thing."

I smile.

"How are we-"

"We'll figure it out as we go along."

I smile, nodding.

"Seatbelt August." I say as he starts to drive and he nods, pulling it on.

"So um, do you need to go home?"

"Yeah but shit, they're going to both be there."

"They are?"

"They said they would be, to see how it went."

"Incredibly well." August snorts. "Totally didn't break down."

I pout. "It was overwhelming."

"I know." He chuckles, lifting his hand to me and I just link our hands together, pulling it on my lap.

"I really thought that the doctor would just be like yeah, you're good, I will tell your mum you're fine."

"Well they can't make money off fine people Em."

I look at him. I shrug. I guess there is that.

"I-" I start and August interrupts me.

We both pause, waiting for one of us to continue and he just does.

"Okay so I know this is going to sound a little fucked because I know how usually utterly against Jackson I usually am."

I nod. I don't get it, but I know August does have a tinge of resentment there.

It's just from losing his father I guess.

"But I was thinking in bed last night that-"

"You were thinking about Jackson in bed last night..." I say, my eyebrows raised at him.

"Not during that." He chuckles. "After you fell asleep."

"You didn't fall asleep too?" I ask.

He shook his head. "I just chilled, yanoe, on you."

I laugh. "That's weird."

"You're comfy, Emersyn focus."

"Right okay."

"Actually wait, I'll just explain it to you later."

"Later?"

"We got to talk about something on our date." He says.

I look at him a little surprised. "So you admit it's a date."

He laughs. "Calm down."

I huff. Almost.

"What are you going to wear?" I ask August.

"Something posh looking."

"Oh god you're going to look really good."

He chuckles. "You're funny."

"I am just honest."

"Well we'll see won't we."

"We will." I smile. "I am hungry." I say. "I was worried he would have made me stressed about food but honestly I'm just starving."

"You wanna pick something up before I take you home?"

"We're already almost home." I say.

August lets out an amused puff of air. "Oh sorry, I forgot cars can't do things like turn around."

Sarcastic August.

"Yes please then."

"You're paying." August says and I smile a little, nodding. He always pays.

"Okay."

...

"How was it bub?"

"Awful." I say, not pretending that I had a jolly old time. "I just full on cried at August and now he's seen me ugly cry, so I am blaming you both for that."

They exchange a look and Mum smiles a little, nodding to the papers.

"Can I see?"

I just give them up.

"Honestly he was horrible. Okay he was probably fine but it was horrible and really overwhelming I didn't know you said anything to him about the eating stuff and so I was really put on the spot and he wouldn't let me avoid the questions and then he basically just said to me 'you are crazy but not crazy enough to be diagnosed official but here you should get drugged up and utterly have a personality change because-"

"Emersyn breath." My dad says and he walks around the counter, coming to my side. "You're okay."

"Well according to the doctor I have disordered eating and I am hypomanic."

My dad frowns, his hand coming to hold my arm steady as I drummed my fingers anxiously against the counter.

Mum was flicking through his notes.

"I am sorry you felt overwhelmed Emersyn." She says. "It is overwhelming, that's why I wanted to see you before you went. Prepare you a little."

"Well it was horrible and no, I know he says he wants regular sessions but fuck that. Fuck. That."

I don't know if I've ever sworn at them before.

My eyes widen a little but neither of them looks shocked.

"I didn't want him to medicate you." She mumbles, pulling a voice as she reads his notes.

"He literally just read statements and asked me how much I agreed and I had to agree to almost all of them but not like- it wasn't fair."

"Fair?" My dad asks.

"Like it can't just be whittled down to that. Like not all mania is the same right?"

"No. I've had very different symptoms in different episodes."

"Exactly. So how can they just generically screen for it, and also, he makes shit cups of tea and his hair is white and-"

My mum laughs, smiling at me a little brighter than I anticipated.

"She is you Nove."

"She's a much better version of me." My mum smiles. "Emersyn look, I am sorry this went badly today."

"You think it went badly?" I ask.

My mum looks at me. "You cried."

"I did." I say. "I burst into tears and August looked at me as if I was dying."

My dad snorts, wrapping his arms around my shoulder and I lean into him a little.

"August was there?" Mum asks.

"He picked me up."

She nods. "Em, look, I agree with what he has said about first thing okay, I am most worried about that."

"I thought you just saw the bipolar?"

"No baby just when I bring up the first thing you shut down. With the bipolar you at least just roll your eyes at me."

I send her a sheepish look.

"You are doing better though aren't you?"

I mean I just ate so- I nod.

"I am. I mean I think I am, I am eating and I want food plus, August is taking me to dinner tonight so like it's becoming less daunting."

My mum looks up, her eyes on me. "Dinner?"

"Mhm." I hum, watching her.

She just looks at my dad.

He looks down at me. "Like a date?"

I mean I can't really explain we're just going to go and mess around. I nod.

"Why don't these guys ask for my permission?" Dad grumbles. "The only fun part of having a daughter is terrorising her suiters but you only go out with family friends and so-"

I pull a face at him.

"Like how can I terrorise August when he is the one avoiding me? I am supposed not to like him and instead I am just worried about the kid and he's hating on me. Emersyn this is not okay."

"Aw bubba." My mum laughs and she looks at me. "How is he doing?"

"August?" I ask.

I mean he's okay right? He's not sleeping and he's kinda all over the place and he keeps doing things with me that he said he wouldn't but um I guess he's okay? He hasn't cut in a while. Like this week.

"He's getting better Mum."

Was it a lie? It feels like a lie.

"I mean he is taking her out, that's not unstable August, unstable August is mad and depressed. Not like taking girls out on dates and being sociable." My mum nods at my dad.

I feel like they don't know this August that I know.

I give them both a smile.

"Anyway." My mum says, getting back on track.

"You are stable right now with your eating, aren't you? And it's okay if you say no, we will figure it out and I won't try and make you not go travelling or anything. Like it's okay, I just need to know."

I nod. "I think so."

"Then we won't do anything now, but at Uni, I do think it would be good for you to have the weekly sessions. Because it will give me some relief as well."

"I don't like therapy though, like it's just not my-"

"Em he might have just been a bit of a prick." My dad says. "Some therapists you gel with and some you don't. We picked this guy because he knows what he's talking about but if you didn't get on with him, you didn't get on with him. Don't let that colour your whole picture of the process."

"But I get on with everyone." I frown.

My dad laughs. "Then he must have been a real prick."

"He just overwhelmed me." I say, looking at mum. "It was a lot."

"I am sorry." She says softly. "He was confused with the bipolar thing as well, I wanted him just to get to know you, not as the questions, you fit the criteria for hypo, we knew this already." She sighs. "You're okay yeah?"

"Yeah." I say. "I um need a shower so can I go and start getting ready?"

She nods then she cocks her head at me. "You told me you were showering this morning."

"I did just-" I pull my hair down from my explosively messy bun. "Feel my hair."

Her hand outstretches and she does as I say.

"August doesn't have conditioner at the moment." I say and my mum heaves a huge sigh at me.

"Did you or did you not say you were with Rayne."

My dad chuckles and I look up at him surprised and he very quickly straightens his face, shaking his head slowly at me.

I look at mum.

I smile.

It turns to cheeky when her lips tug up. "I lied."

"Yeah I see that, Emer-"

"I really gotta shower, I need to wash and then blow dry and then figure out what to wear and I have to dress up fancy because we are going somewhere fancy and I have to find heals because I feel like I want that vibe tonight and also..." I creep backwards as I say that, making my way casually to the door and then the stairs as I ramble. "And also I don't even know how to curl my hair, like I am rubbish at it, so maybe I will just straighten it. Who knows? And also, it's hot today so makeup will feel gross..."

My parents are watching me amused, their eyes following me as I back away from them.

Then as soon as I am out the door, I run up the stairs, and head into my bedroom.

I don't know what I am thinking about today. I refuse to think about it.

So I am going to hyper focus on getting ready and start the process early.

...

"Okay mum." I call out in dire need.

All my dresses were on the bed.

She comes in.

She looks at the mess, at me, back at the mess.

"Okay come with me."

"I am so close to just wearing my dress for tomorrow like-"

"Well knowing you, you'll just spill something down it."

Dylan's wedding was tomorrow.

I had like a proper dress for that.

"Mum help me." I groan. My hair was dry now, makeup kinda down, but I was naked wrapped in a towel. "Please I just- I dunno- I"

"Calm down." She laughs. "Come on, my clothes?"

I smile, grinning and letting her lead me to their bedroom.

"Look in there and wear whatever."

She does like gallery openings and events and fundraisers and therefore she has really understated but formal dresses that are beautiful.

"Your hair has grown so quickly." Mum says as I search through her dresses.

"I know." I say, it's back down to the middle of my back. "I guess it was just really unhealthy before."

"Mhm." She hums. "Where are you going?" She asks.

"Um..." What do I say? We'd never be actually able to afford the Yacht club hotel.

It's the poshest restaurant and hotel in our area. We just managed to find a way in ha.

"It's a surprise." I say.

"I didn't realise you two were dating." She says.

I look at her, a little confused. I was going to say we aren't. But I guess I cant really say that.

"It's just one date, it's more of a joke than anything else."

She sits down on her bed and I pull out three options for dresses. "These will work, which one should I wear?"

Mum shrugs. "Try them on?"

...

I was sat on the stairs. My parents were cooking, both of them, and I was fully dressed up, heels, jewellery, curled hair, the lot.

I felt good, like I knew I looked the part. I knew my makeup was sat perfectly on my face, I knew my hair was cascading nicely, I knew the sleeves of my dress would keep me warm but the open back, cool.

I looked nice. I just didn't want to be teased because I clearly had put a lot of effort into my appearance today. Plus I was pissed off with the world so I wanted to enbody someone who was a bad bitch and well I don't know if I can pull that off.

I was just tying my shoe when August knocked on the door and my eyes widened. Why was he knocking? I was watching, I hadn't even heard his car.

My dad gets up and he for real practically jogs to open it before I can tell him to just not.