.

When I got in, nobody was home, of course. So I went directly to the couch and I collapsed.

August is tiring. Not only is he emotionally exhausting, he doesn't sleep, which means I don't sleep and it's not even like he tries to sleep and then just can't. He doesn't even try, he'll just talk and talk for hours and that's fine, I freaking love hearing his little theories about the world, like I do, I can't imagine not knowing he has that side of him now... but it means I force myself awake to listen to him. And so I am so tired.

And well if I am not listening to him chat utter shit, then I am drunk and passed out and so my body is a mixture of physically exhausted with also all these confusing emotions that I feel for him.

He doesn't feel the same. August made that clear. But he washed my hair. He looks at me that way that I- that I've read about. He says things, things that maybe I just read into because I want them to mean more than what they do.

So, collapsed on the sofa, I sleep. I sleep until I am shaken gently awake by my dad, my dad who's sat on the floor besides my head, looking directly at me.

"Hi." He smiles. "Missed you."

I smile back and relief fills me instantly because I really thought they'd still be angry when I came back here. I sit up a little, looking out of our window and I see the sun is setting so it must be pretty late. I got home at two, I must have been asleep for hours.

"I thought you'd be hating me." I say, rubbing my eyes and my dad lifts himself off the floor and takes a seat next to me on the sofa.

"Never." He smiles. "Your mum was convinced you'd come home on your own, I was just less patient. I was worried."

I smile a little, sleep clouding my brain. "I am so tired."

His smile turns slightly concerned. "Not been sleeping?"

"Not really."

"Where have you been sleeping Em?"

I look at him hesitantly and then shrug. "Boys are horrid."

A quick exhale of amusement leaves his lips and he opens his arm for me and I look at my dad surprised at the offer of comfort but I do fall into it. A parental hug is literally needed.

I have been so ridiculously happy with August. Staying at his, partying with him. We'd only spent four days at his, but even before the big blow up he had with my dad and Jackson, August and I had been spending so much time together.

"I was a nice boy thank you very much."

"Mum said you were a heartbreaker."

"Well not to her." My dad laughs. "She was the heartbreaker."

"She got abducted by her scary ex, give her a break."

My dad's laugh had shocked undertones. "Emersyn you realised you've managed to avoid us so much so that we never talked about the fact you were arrested, or that you just found out you lived with a random guy as your father for five years, or that you just took off with August."

"Maybe taking off with August is sorta easier than being here with you two."

"Is it easier Em?" My dad says and he nudges me to sit up again so I can look at him. "Is that why? Because we are being too much?"

I shrug. "I guess so? I don't know. I just. I was worried about him and well with him I can just be worried about him and not feel as if someone is worried about me."

He stays silent for a few seconds and then he nods.

"We are worried about you."

"I know." I say.

"I am also worried about why you said guys are horrid. What's going on?"

"Nothing." I say. Boy talk with my dad is a little strange, especially as he's so protective. Can't really tell him that August and I keep doing little bits and then my feels keep getting hurt.

Hurt even though I know what I am getting myself into.

"I keep thinking to myself. What does it matter, if he doesn't like me the same amount I like him. It doesn't matter because I just like being around him and being his friend and I like our dynamic we have going on. So like I keep telling myself it's fine, that it's okay." I say quietly, my heart pouring out of my mouth before I can think about it.

My dad's staring at my face as I look down at our rug.

"But it's not okay. Not really. And I don't really understand why. Why we want people to reciprocate our feelings. Like they say unrequited love is the most painful type of love... but I never got it, I- I was just like- I thought it was selfish to want someone to love you back but I realise it's not because you necessarily want to feel the positive emotions you would if they loved you but instead you want to stop the negative. The pain."

"Do you love him Emersyn?" Is all my dad replies.

I look up and shake my head. "No, the last part was more hypothetical."

Do I love him?

I like him. I care about him. My heart beats in rhythm of his name. My lungs think his kisses are oxygen... is that love? I don't think it can be.

"I loved your mum. So much." My dad tells me. "And she didn't love me back, not for a long while at least."

I look at him. "But you two were friends?" I ask.

My dad smiles and his eyes dart around my face. "I feel you are old enough to understand that the type of friends your mother and I were was not exactly platonic. We were friends, her best friend was with my best friend, you know Auntie Rose?"

"Oh and Avery?" I ask.

My dad just lifts his hand and does a kinda gesture. "It was Lincoln when we were younger."

"Lincoln?" I have never heard of him.

"It doesn't matter, just one of my best mates from school."

"Oh." I whisper.

"So your mum and I were friends but I was mesmerised and well your mum and I became more than friends very very quickly."

"Oh." I say.

"And I fell for her probably the night we met Em."

My eyebrows rose. "How long were you two friends for?" I ask.

Friends. Ha.

This isn't as weird as it would have been a few months ago.

"I am not sure, four months maybe? It wasn't long but I saw her every day. Or well pretty much, she was in hospital during this time."

I nod. She told me that once. She showed me some notes Dad had sent her.

I wonder how on earth she still had them.

"My point is Em. I loved your mum through all of this and your mum well she was a pain in my ass. Honestly, god, she didn't love me back and I just didn't care. I wanted her, I knew that we were meant to be together and so I- I hurt myself. And I don't mean this because Vix came and shit got really bad. I mean before that. I would tell your mum I loved her because she needed to hear it. But she would constantly tell me she didn't feel the same way."

"Ouch." I whisper.

He nods. "Yeah ouch. But she wasn't doing that because she didn't have any feelings for me, it was because she was trying to keep herself safe. She was scared, she didn't trust me to love her the way I knew I loved her you know?"

"Yeah." I whisper.

"My actual point is that... let's beat around the bush yeah? You and August Em, what's going on?"

I shrug. "I don't even know dad."

"Are you two..." He pulls this face, as if it pained him immensely. "More than friends."

"I mean I think you know that."

My dad nods and he quickly checks his phone.

He reads the messages.

"Your mum is mad at me now, thanks Em."

My lips part. "Explain how that's my fault."

"She asked what I want for dinner, like ten minutes ago and now she's just sent me an angry text saying that I will like it or lump it."

"Oh God." I laugh and he sends me a small smile, replying to mum quickly.

"Emersyn, I told you earlier this summer... don't let Rayne use you."

I wonder if he knows, he always knows everything.

"And I don't know how you went from one brother to the other, bluntly Emersyn I am slightly impressed, slightly, it also hurts my brain a lot."

"Dad." I laugh.

"Listen to me." He chuckles. "I told you that- not because I was aware of anything to do with your relationship with him, frankly i don't even know anything to do with you and August other than what you've said this evening. But I do know you."

"I-"

He hushes me. "As much as every teenager thinks their parents don't know them, I do know you. You aren't a stranger to me Emersyn. You are the same little girl who your mumma had to keep her plants up high just so you couldn't water them to death."

My jaw drops a little.

"Honestly Emersyn you used to drown all her plants."

"Well I am sure I was just trying to help." I mumble.

He laughs. "Yes Bub, that is what my point is. You don't know when to stop giving. You're the same little girl who would give her teddies away for fun. You liked the feeling of making the other child happy."

I nod. I guess I remember that.

"But, you ended up with no teddies left."

My eyebrows draw together.

"Do you remember when we all came to visit this town? Before we moved?" My dad asked.

I shake my head.

"We were at this restaurant. It's closed down now. It's the same restaurant your mum and I- never mind. Anyway we were at this restaurant and you were leant against my chest, staring at August."

"Oh." I say. "I didn't realise Ivy and Jackson-"

"Mhm we were all there. You and Rayne has just been playing on your mum and then you had settled leant against my chest and you had your purple teddy, some silly name like John, who knows, anyway you were cuddled up with that and well August was always next to me. I made sure of it." My dad says.

"And then you offered him your teddy." He says. "You asked him if he wanted it and he- well- he was older so I doubt he wanted it anyway, but August doesn't just accept help or kindness or anything like that. He's lost so many people, at such a young age, that his trust just isn't there."

I nod a little.

"So he didn't take my teddy?" I ask.

My dad shakes his head. "Nah, he didn't. But usually when August would reject you, you'd cry."

I laugh at that. Painfully. I felt like crying now.

"And it would be a little drama and Ivy would apologise and freak out and well yeah it would be a mess."

I nod.

"But this time you didn't. Instead you offered it up to others, like me and Jackson and your mum and then every single time we saw them again you would bring something else to try and give him. Because you wanted to make him smile."

My eyes widened. I don't remember this.

"You would not give up. You wanted to make that smile happen."

I nod a little.

"So yeah, every time we'd tell you that we would be seeing the boys, obviously you'd spend all your time with Rayne but you'd also try and find something for August. He didn't take anything. Just declined. Even said no thanks if his parents were there."

I nod.

"Until one day you drew him this picture." My dad say. "I don't know what it was off, it wasn't some grand symbolic thing." He chuckles. "It was probably of a lion of something."

I nod.

I don't remember this at all.

"But we caught him on a very bad day." He says. "Jackson had just had to go and collect Aiden's and Mila's things that they wanted to leave for the boys and August had just found them all hidden away and he was- he was quiet. I don't know if you know with August, quiet, like no sound, is sort of ten times worse than angry August."

I shrug.

"Anyway you gave him this picture, before any of us had the chance to stop you."

I am holding my breath; I don't even know why.

"What do you think happened?" my dad asks me.

I shrug. "He liked it?"

He laughs and shakes his head. "He tore it up, he stood there and just tore it up and my God Em, you burst into these big tears, I hadn't heard you cry like that."

My own eyes were clouding, I don't really know why. Why this is emotional?

"What did August do?" I ask, my voice a little thick.

My Dad turns to me and his forehead lowers, his eyes intense as if to get me to really, really listen.

"He looked so relieved. That he had hurt your feelings. He smiled Emersyn. He smiled because he knew you would finally leave him alone."

"Oh poor baby Em." I say, laughing a little at the fact my eyes are teary. I wipe my cheek, shaking my head at myself.

"No Emersyn. Listen. As soon as you saw his smile your cries, just stopped. They stopped and you smiled too because you finally got the boy to smile."

Oh god.

"And well your mum and I looked at each other like 'oh fuck' because you learnt a lesson that day which has stayed with you."

I wipe my face. Taking in a breath.

"That it doesn't matter if you hurt, as long as they smile."

"I don't." I whisper. "I don't just let people hurt me dad, I am... I am working on it anyway."

"Okay." He says gently. "The thing is baby is that I know August, god I probably know that kid as much as I know you, maybe even more. But right now he isn't talking to me, at all, he has decided I am the enemy and he is leaning on you. Which is fine. I mean, slightly a huge problem in the sense that you are my baby and you should stay fifty foot away from males who aren't family at all times..."

I roll my eyes.

"But what I am saying bub is that your heart has always been so big that you think you can absorb anything dark and it won't dim you, instead you'll just be able to give back their darkness to them once you turned it to light."

My dad should write. Maybe that's where I get It from. He speaks in metaphors.

"But sweetheart loving someone who doesn't love you is like draining every single piece ounce of sunlight from your body and so you are left with darkness, but then I know you, you're going to say darkness represents the night sky and the night sky is filled with stars which light is even stronger than the sun's..."

My lips part and my day just shakes his head at me.

"But baby August... he, he is filled with this darkness that I am not saying can't be worked through. I am not saying he wont or that he can't ever love someone in the furture because well that is untrue." My dad says.

"But right now he's not okay. And I know you probably want to take away all his pain. But you can't. You can't. And if you do have these intense feelings for him, like I did your mum, then I am just saying that Emersyn you cannot love someone and fix them at the same time because all it does is crack you. You won't absorb his darkness and give him it back after having turned it to light. You'll just absorb it and keep it. It is going to break you baby and I don't want you to experience any of the pain your mum or I experienced."

Gosh.

"What... what are you saying?" I ask.

"I am saying that I understand you want to help him. That you are worried about him. But I promise you, you cannot help someone who you want to love you."

I don't want August to love me.

Do I?

I guess that makes sense.

"I am not trying to fix him dad, I don't know anything about that. I am merely there to just... distract. He's using me as a distracting from the..."

"Pain?"

"He's not hurting." I say confused. "I- he's not okay, he's a mess like I will say that... but I dunno, maybe I just don't know about depression."

My dad nods. "How is he Em? I know he's talking to Ivy and Jack but neither of them can get him to go to his doctor, he's just saying he's working on being fine and he's talking to them and I think they believe him, that he says he's helping himself but I don't believe him."

"You don't believe him but they do?" I ask.

My dad nods. "When your Auntie Ivy was in need of some help, she sought it, she got it. The same with Jackson to an extent. He hid it for a while but then when he promised he would get help, he did. Your mum taught me not to trust people when they say they are okay. You mum was a nightmare."

"That's rude." My mum's voice startled me, she came through the back.

My dad looks as if she startled him too, but he leans back, flashing her a smile.

"Daughter is here."

"Yes Bub I see that." She says sarcastically, walking to the kitchen and then she sends me a quick smile. "Hi."

"Hey." I laugh.

"What I was saying is that when people aren't okay, they don't always know it. No. They don't always want to get help." He says.

"Cole what are you saying." My mum calls. "My ears are burning."

"Nove I am having a serious conversation with our daughter."

"Well that scares me." She says, walking into the front room and she gives me a smile. "You okay Emersyn?"

"Yeah." My voice is soft and mum nods, coming to sit of the coffee table in front of us both

"I was just saying how just because someone says they are fine; it doesn't mean they are actually okay. For example, you when you fell into a depressive episode and then hid it and triggered a manic episode." Dad says to mum.

Mum rolls her eyes. "I didn't hide it per say, I was depressed, I didn't want to talk to anyone. And the depression didn't lead to- oh whatever." She rolls her eyes and laughs.

"No wait." I say. "I wanna know more about it."

Might as well, right?

They exchange a quick look to which I roll my eyes at.

"So basically what happened that time was that I thought I had everything under control and well I just didn't. And so I took antidepressants to stop the depression but you should not take antidepressants with bipolar because they can trigger mania."

"Oh." I say. "Why did you take it then?"

She shrugged. "I just was poorly. You don't know how bad it all is when you're the one experiencing it."

I frown, rubbing my eyes. "Is that why you guys think I have it, because I think I am fine?"

My mum smiles a little. "Has anything happened Emersyn? How come you're home?"

I shake my head. I am home because August pissed me off and because I love them both so much and I don't wanna stress them out.

"I am just home because I know it's the right thing to do and like because we have Uncle Dylan's wedding in a few days so I wanted us to be okay before we went to it."

My mum nods. "You show symptoms of mania Em, but you've never shown the other side of it. Thank goodness. I am worried because bipolar usually onsets later, like from your age now till like twenty five ish? And well you're going away for months and then to college and I just am worried I won't be able to monitor you there."

"Mum I feel fine." Is all I can think off.

"I know I bet you even feel pretty good huh?"

"Well not today." My dad laughs. "Boys are horrid today."

"Oh." My mum laughs a little and extends her hand to my knee. "Yeah they are."

I look up at her amused and my dad clears his throat. "I was always amazing to you."

She rolls her eyes.

"You abandoned me when I went into hospital and you also were so mean to me when you found me again."

"I was not mean..." He grumbles. "I was surprised."

"Alright." Mum laughs and looks at me. "Emersyn you want us to leave you alone?"

"Huh?"