Without awareness of the road or the rain, the car moved over the highway, lights on full beam. I watched how the yellowed, yet bright light played in the droplets, showing this deluge, this flood from the sky, in apparently solitary drops.

We'd been driving for hours.

Something had happened, as soon as we got in the car, big clouds rolled over and here, two hours later driving in the general directions of away- the rain was becoming a little frightening.

We always had big summer storms; it was pretty normal. Just- the silence between us, although not uncomfortable necessarily, hung heavy. And the outside felt the same.

August is so far inside of his head it's almost scary to watch. He's not concentrating on driving, whatsoever, I mean it looks like he is, his eyes are trained to the road, his hands on the wheel, his body doing what it needs to keep us alive on this motorway.

But I doubt he's even in the car.

I can't even see him breathing.

He's dark. The usual fidgeting, unease, restlessness, it's like he's frozen, and I think he's trying to figure out his head, order his thoughts but damn it he hasn't spoken to me in more than an hour.

Does anyone understand how hard it is for me to keep silent for an hour?

I've just been drinking my water I brought with me, every time I wanna break the silence, I take a sip as although I could force him to talk to me, to explain what happened with my dad and his, to explain what he meant by reckless, I knew that wasn't what he needed right now.

Right now, he needed someone to just make sure he didn't do something disastrous.

So here I am.

Silent.

And desperately needing a wee.

Honestly, we'd been driving for hours and I keep drinking this water and I know there are services coming up so I am going to have to ask him to pull in.

But I am scared of his silence. Like will he even hear me? He doesn't even seem here with me right now.

"August?" I blurt his name, I couldn't help it. I really do need to pee.

He startled, like he jumped as if he had forgotten I am besides him.

His eyes flickered to me and then to his dashboard.

"You lasted an hour and a half." He says quietly. "Well done."

He means the silence?

"Ha. Um, I need a wee."

"Oh." August says and then in acknowledgement to my statement he starts to change lanes, pulling over to the slower lane so we can take the little service slip road when it comes up.

Or well I hope that is what he meant.

"You know why I stopped taking my medication don't you?"

I look at him again, turning in my seat a little. "Because you felt weird." I say.

"They said this is how I am supposed to be feeling. That I am just used to numbness, to being miserable. Emersyn this is not how I am supposed to be feeling." He says and he lifts his hand up of the wheel and he shows me how much it's shaking.

I reach for it, linking our fingers and he lets me pull it to my lap, holding his hand there.

"I understand." I say quietly. I think.

August takes his hand back to flick on the indicator but then he lays it back down on my lap and I just play my own over it, stroking his hand with my thumb, just simply trying to comfort.

"I am not even suicidal Em." He says.

I-

"That's good?" I whisper.

"No. Like. Fuck." He curses and we head onto the little slip road that indicated that we are in fact going to find a restroom. Thank the lord.

"I don't get what this is." August says. "At all."

"The medication?" I ask.

He nods. "Exactly. So I had to stop taking it."

"But you don't feel better." I say. "You're still-"

"It'll take a while." August answers.

"What if you fall into a low?"

He shrugs. "Better than this."

How is it? What is he feeling? I am so lost.

We pull into this quiet looking carpark, with a big gas station to the right and then there is a diner to the left.

"You eaten today?" He asks.

"I am not hungry."

"That wasn't my question Emersyn."

I feel too worried to eat. He's worrying me.

"My phone's ringing again." I say quietly, reaching for my bag and he reaches for my hand, linking out fingers and pulling it away from the bag by my feet.

"Stop avoiding the question."

"Stop stopping me answering the phone."

"I didn't stop you when we were driving." He says, he had just pulled into a space.

"But the silence did." I just say.

"Food." August states. "Come on."

I just do as he sternly suggests, following him out of the car, ducking from the impact of the rain and then I let him lead us into the diner.

"There are the toilets." August says, nodding to the back and I leave him to wait for the waitress.

We were both dressed for summer sun not for summer rain, so as pushed the bathroom door open I catch a slight glimpse of the mess I am in the mirror but I concentrate on making sure I don't pee myself first. Then I head back over to the mirror and I cringe a little, my mascara, already smudged because of the slight tears earlier, was now worse due to the rain.

I wipe it off, using a paper towel and I cringe at how it hurts a little. Then I just decide to un-braid my hair, letting the waves, of which were slightly damp, hang loose down my back.

I looked better, more alive and so I left and scanned the room for August.

There were typical little booths along the big restaurant window and then little square tables covering the floor in between the window and the counter.

It wasn't busy, a few other people in, August had sat down at a booth and I just make my way over to him.

"They were surprisingly clean." I say quietly. I slide into the booth opposite him and his eyes meet mine and I was the only one that smiled.

Although he had decided today to try and kill me.

"You look nice Em."

I don't take compliments from August well.

He watches my face, his eyes dark in exhaustion but there's a little hint of amusement as I stumble over my words.

"I um- just- hair."

His smirk widens.

"Thankyou." I sigh, running my hand through my hair and he gives me a small smile.

"I got you a coffee." He says and I nod a little.

I am not allowed coffee.

Joking. Just. Kinda.

Oh goodness.

"Milk?" I ask.

"They didn't have like alternative. Sorry." He says. "So I got us both black and a jug of milk in case you wanted it."

"You are sweet." I say and his eyes narrow slightly.

Then he passes my bag over. He had taken it. "You can reply now."

I let out a small laugh and grab my phone out of my bag.

Oh god.

6 messaged, 5 missed calls.

All the calls were from dad.

"Where's your phone?" I ask him, looking up.

He shrugs. "Tossed it out the window."

I blink at him. "Pardon?"

"It wouldn't stop vibrating. I was surprised you didn't notice."

"When on earth- August. Your phone. You-"

He shrugs. "It's just a material Emersyn."

"But your phone was better than mine." I pout. "If you didn't want it you could have given it to me."

He exhales a laugh and nods down at my phone, as if to remind me to read the messages.

Most of the text messages are from Dad. Telling me to come home immediately. Then it changes to questions of if we are both alright and if I could get August to see he needs to go to the doctors.

Then there are the others.

Oh goodness, she's pissed. She never puts full stops, there are usually kisses on the end of her messages. Jeez okay.

Then there's the one from Rayne.

"Rayne wants to be with us." I say.

"The same way I wanted to be with you two earlier when you sneaked off?" August asks.

I look up at him confused.

"No Leo, you came upstairs because you don't know how to deal with feelings of jealousy. Rayne wants to come and find us because he is concerned for you."

August just shrugs and then he picks up a menu and shoves it under my nose. "Food."

"Caveman." I mutter and toss it to the side. "One sec."

I reply to both mum and dad the same message, I didn't wanna upset anyone any more.

My mum's message is immediate.

"Where are we?" I ask.

August shrugs. "Use your location."

I turn my data on and I send my mum our location.

I close my mum's messages and click on my dads.

Oh goodness he's blunt too.

My dad rings me and August and I both stare down at the phone.

"He'll be phoning for you Leo."

August declines it.

"August." I sigh and pick up the phone, ready to text my dad.

"I am not talking to him."

"He just loves and wants the best for you Leo."

"No he's trying to make me numb."

I look at him confused.

He's contradicting himself.

Earlier he said that my dad wanted him to feel like this and August didn't wanan feel like this. I don't ask. I text dad an explanation that August won't talk to him but that he's safe, that we are both fine.

The waitress comes back with coffee and I smile at her, she smiles at August. I pout. I like being friendly with waitresses, it's fun to make a temporary friend. She's not going to find that in August.

He doesn't look at her.

"Are you two ready to order some food?" She asks. "We have summer berry pie on offer today and we also have a chocolate fudge cake which we can serve with some ice cream oh and we also have a gourmet beef burger with bacon and cheese if you fancy it. We have a new chef who wants to turn the diner around." She grins.

"We haven't decided yet." August says when I don't say anything.

Cake. Pie. Cheese. Bacon. Beef. Fries. Berries.

They swirl around me and I just stare after her as she walks away.

That was overwhelming.

Ha.

"Menu Emersyn." August pushes and I just look down and cringe when I see more and more food words. I don't even know why it's such a hard food day.

I guess just the stress. The need to feel in control. I don't feel very in control today, so I think I can control what food I take in. We talked about this with Charlotte. That sometimes my head is so busy that I never focus well. Have much control over my own actions. So I find it here. But I am not sure. Anyway I still have control, even if I eat, I am controlling what I eat.

I take a deep breath.

"August." I mumble, looking up at him and he's just watching me confused.

"Emersyn what can I do?"

My eyes flash in surprise. Not really surprise just- he's done this before, helped me to chill out over food but I hadn't even told him that I was stressing.

"Do you wanna do what we did last time? Order too much and then eat what you want?"

I shake my head. "I feel like seeing loadsa food will be stressful." I say and I hand him back the menu.

"Can you read me the veggie options?" I ask.

August nods and he scans the menu. "Okay so we have-"

He tells me the options and I just play with my hands a little uncomfortably.

I don't actually want anything.

"Em." He says. "Come on eat, it's just food, we need it."

I look at his arms, which are on the table and I reach for them, he lets me.

"If we get food can I take care of your arms?"

He stares at me a little. "Yes."

Then I nod. "Can I get the um, veggie burger and some fries?"

"You can get whatever you want Em."

"I mean... I am gonna go to the shop." I nod to the petrol station. "Get some first aid bits. Can you order?"

"I'll come with you to the shop. I don't trust you going alone."

"Trust me?"

"Not you, just- there are all types of people in these places Emersyn."

"You almost sound like you care about me Leo."

"I do care about you."

I just sigh, looking down and August watches the rough blush rise.

"Okay you can come but I actually really need to not hear you order the food." I say gently. "I know that is weird. But it's just-"

"I'll meet you outside after." August says.

I smile, sliding out of the booth and heading to the door. I watch as the waitress walks over to August, I guess asking if I will be back and I lower my eyes when I see August ordering some food.

I wait for him.

The carpark separates the gas station to the diner, and I don't really say much when August comes out and drags me along the gravel to the shop.

"Told her we'd be back."

I hum in acknowledgment.

"Come on Em, I need some of your sunlight."

Right. This is why I am here. To be cheerful.

I squeezed his hand and he raised it to his lips, pressing a short kiss on my skin and I just watch him.

I think I need to guard my heart. This August is unlike the usual one.

He's still my August, he's just acting as if he is mine. Which is unlike Leo. Does that make sense?

"Right we need to get you some dressing and-"

"Yeah I know what we need Em, come on." He drags me by the hand into the shop and we head immediately to the counter. I watch sorta shocked as August confidently tells the Clark what we need, as in the supplies and the Clark just has to go and fetch them.

"We could have just looked around for them." I say and August shrugs.

"Easier."

Well okay.

August thanks the guy and tosses a few bills on the counter from his pocket, not listening to the total just dragging me back out and I just sort of enjoy the way he handles things. It's manly. I don't know why.

I reach for his hand again and he chuckles, letting me link our fingers.

"I hate holding hands."

Ouchie.

"Don't say that when I am literally holding your hand August."

"I didn't say I hated holding your hand."

"Well the plural in hand's was suggestive of all hands, my one being included."

"Alright chill." He says. "Just the movement hurts."

"Oh." I whisper and I try to drop his hand, he doesn't let me.

"August."

"Stop." Is all he says and we walk back over to the diner together. As we walk back in the waitress throws us a small grin and points to our table and I say thankyou as she had set us all up for food, cutlery, sauces that sort of thing.

"Come on." I whisper, dragging August who was also carrying the shopping bag over towards the bathroom and I push the male door open.

"Emersyn you're gonna get us kicked out before we even eat." August chuckles, following me in.

"I am just dressing your wounds." I say gently.

It's grosser in here, but I push him towards the sink.

"You know what they probably think we are doing?" August asks, leaning against the wall and watching me as I place the bag besides the sink. "Fucking."

I scrunch my nose up. "I like you August, but I don't like you enough to let you take my virginity in a gross public restroom."

August snorts, a smirk growing on his face and he looks at me curiously. "So if I started to try it on, you'd say no?"

"Mhm." I hum.

"Are you sure?" He hums and I look up, throwing him a warning look and he laughs, letting his head fall back on the wall.

"Hard to get Em is a turn on."

"Shut up." I whisper. "I am always hard to get."

Pft.

"Don't worry, when I can tell you're affected by my mere presence, that's even more of a turn on."

Pft.

I feel dizzy.

"Give me your arm." I mutter and August just lazily lifts his arm up and lets me take it.

I pull the sleeve back carefully and I wince for him.

"Have you cleaned them?" I say softly.

August doesn't reply but he reaches in and grabs an antiseptic wipe from the bag and I take it as a no. I take it from him, using my teeth to tear the wrapper, making sure I don't actually touch the wipe.

"That was hot but baby if you do that with the condom you might tear it."

I let out a shaky breath.

Baby is very different than baby Em.

He's trying to wind me up.

"Our dynamic has switched and you're stressing me out." I mumble as I clean his wounds.

"August what did you use to do this?"

He tenses.

They were so bad. Like there are so many. It wasn't just the one like it was last time.

"Emersyn you know how you have little triggers which make you not wanna eat?"

I look up at him. I nod slightly.

"I have triggers which make me wanna do it. One of them is the idea of someone taking away my means of doing it. If I tell you what I use, you might take it away."

"I-"

I mean I guess I would wanna take it away.

"But I will always just find something else if I want to."

I lift his wrist up and press a kiss on his palm, not wanting to acknowledge his tragic statements with words but I kiss him to show him just that I want to. That this affection isn't going anywhere no matter how dark this is.

Shit huh.

I could find any other guy, someone who's sunlight matched my own. I kinda just want his rain though, yanoe? I don't want anyone else.

"Why?" I ask. "You've been trying so hard not to."

He lets out a shaky breath. "I know this Emersyn. You don't need to remind me."

Shit.

"I'm sorry. I just hate that you want to hurt yourself.

"It's not about that." He says. "It... it." He sighs. "It's sick Em, I am not explaining why I do it. You're too impressionable."

I look up at him confused, all in the meantime I am dressing his cuts, moving between both his arms.

"I wouldn't." I say.

"I don't trust you. Your parents think you have bipolar, you haven't experienced a low. I am not putting the idea in your head for when you do experience one."

My hand drops his arm.

He thinks? He agrees with them?

I crinkle my nose up.

You know, when enough people think you're mentally ill it's tempting to just act like it. I am fine. Like excited but stable.

As I grow angry with August, my eyes look at his arm and I sigh, picking back up and I carry on covering him.

The door swings open and I turn around shocked, I was expecting to see a member of staff ready to kick me out of the men's bathroom... instead I see a little boy, probably about seven and he's stood at the door and he just looks at us in shock.

He walks back out.

I look up at August confused and then the kid comes charging in again.

"Lady, I checked, this is the mens."