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41

I went to Rayne.

I could have gone down and confronted my parents. But I didn't even think I would be able to hear the explanation. I was... shocked. I was confused and honestly, I was scared.

I was scared of the explanation.

So I went to Ivy and Jackson's and I crept in, heading up to Rayne's bedroom.

It was ten, a tad late, that's why no one was downstairs.

I knocked on his bedroom door, the birth certificate still in my hand and when there was zero reply I opened the door to an empty bedroom.

Well shit.

I assumed he'd be home.

Sitting down on my best friend's bed I reopened the paper and stared at the foreign man's name. Should I google it? Should I just go home and ask her.

Dad's my dad, I mean, I look like him, I- well how do I know? Maybe this Yuen looked like dad too? Maybe dad isn't my dad. But why would they raise me as his? What is going on?

The two signatures, my mum and his. Who is he?

I have to be my dad's- I mean, like, they have a whole history- she even said that he got her pregnant. Like the other day, she said to me about butterflies and the way my dad was the good one and that he gave her me.

Is this Vix the bad one she was talking about?

My leg was bouncing anxiously as I stared down at the piece of paper and goodness, I felt as if everything has been turned upside down a little.

"He's out with a mate."

August's voice isn't one that I wanted to hear, whatsoever.

So I ignore it, pressing my eyes closed and folding the paper up.

"What's wrong?"

I just shake my head a little bit.

August walks in, closing the door behind him and he crouches down in front of me, meeting my now open gaze and I just stare at his face.

It's weird not to have seen him for a few days.

Four I think?

"Where is he?" I ask quietly.

"Out. I don't know. What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I exhale. "I just need him."

"Emersyn? Talk to me."

I don't want to talk to him. Not about this. Even if we were okay, even if he never kicked me out the other day, I would want Rayne right now and not him.

"No. Can you call him?" I ask. "Get him here?"

He nods a little and picks up his phone out of his pocket, he stays crouched in front of me, his phone to his ear.

"Rayne?" He says. "Emersyn's at home, looking for you." He sighs. "She-." He looks at me. "It seems to be some sort of emergency bro."

August pinches between his eyes in annoyance.

My eyes just watch his face.

I must look a little wrecked, I am a little wrecked.

I was overreacting. I didn't even know what this was. What it means.

I take in a deep breath and let it go, shakily and August's free hand places itself on my leg, slowly rubbing up and down as if to reassure me and I just- his hands feel the same- they do. But I can't just- forget.

"You selfish shit." August whispers. "I don't care if you're an hour away. Come back."

Oh.

Ha.

Okay Rayne, it's fine. He has plans, he's out. He's probably staying out.

I stand up, knocking August away from me and he sits back on his ankles watching me as I head towards the door.

"Emersyn."

'No it's okay." I say and then I just look back at August confused. Why was he here? Why was he trying to be nice?

I open the door and walk back out, heading down the stairs and I know he's following but I just- I don't have the energy for confrontation but I for sure know I can't just pretend things are fine between us.

"August seriously stop following me."

"Rayne's busy but you can- look Em, I am sorry about the other day. Sort of. I-"

"I really don't need this."

I step back out into the night and sigh when he follows me out, he didn't even have shoes on, what is he even trying to do?

"Emersyn." He exhales, reaching for my hand and I spin around, snatching my hand to my chest.

"August, even if you hadn't been an utter asshole the other day, I would still want Rayne right now. It's not about you, just go away."

"Where are you going?" He asks.

"Home." I say, turning back around and walking away and thankfully he doesn't follow me this time.

I wanted to speak to Rayne because I wanted comfort, instead I didn't get that so the next best person to get comfort from is my mum and I know I needed not to just explode on her and so I wouldn't. I just needed a hug honestly.

I walk into my house and my parents both turn around from being stood at the kitchen counter.

"Emersyn you just rushed out." My dad says. "You left your phone and-"

I walk to my mum and she immediately wraps an arm around me, I can feel her head turn to look at my dad in concern and his voice dies.

"Emersyn?" She says gently, rubbing my back and I pull back, looking at her straight in the eye and I just ask.

"Mum who is Yuen Vix?"

Her face drops, as in she looks at me so shocked, so startled that it sorts of scares me.

"W-where have you...? How have you? What?"

I take the birth certificate back out from my pocket and put it on the side, stepping away from her and looking between them.

"Can someone explain this? Because I feel like this is something I need to know? Right? Because who the hell is he and why does it say he's my father and why was my name Emersyn Rose Vix?"

"Oh shit." My dad whispers and his attention is directly on my mum. "Nove it's okay."

"I-" She breathes and she looks at him. "Cole."

"It's okay." He says again and he turns to me. "Emersyn this is a painful topic."

I just look between them and scrunch my face up. "Then explain it, you can't just- leave things like this for me to find and then tell me it's painful? That- yeah. Yeah God I-"

"Can you explain it to her?" My mum says quietly. "I know I should but I don't-"

"You want me to tell her?" my dad says, and I fall silent, looking between them both.

What on earth is going on?

"It's your story November."

"It's all of ours." My mum says quietly. "I don't- I know I should be strong enough to explain it to her but can you please?"

"I will do whatever you need." My dad promises her and she turns back to me and I step back when she goes to reach for my face.

"Sweetheart, dad's going to explain everything to you and I am going to go buy us all icecream and then when i get back I will talk to you about it. I just- it's hard."

I nod a little. "Dad?" I say quietly, the question lingering between us and her eyes widen.

"Oh Emersyn, you are a carbon copy of your dad. Of course he's your dad, in every sense of the word."

I nod a little, looking at my dad and he is just staring down at the paper.

"November wait." He says just as she side steps me and heads towards the front door. "How much do you want her to know."

"Just tell her as much as she wants to know."

He nods and my mum walks away from us, leaving us in the kitchen and he looks at me.

"Bubba you need a cup of tea."

I raise my eyebrow at him.

"I am serious, come on let's make some tea and we'll head out under the stars yeah?"

I nod a little but stay where I am, watching as he makes us two mugs of tea.

"Your mum decided when you were five that she wouldn't force you to remember him." My dad says slowly. "We never kept him a secret Emersyn, just, you forgot him and your mum was moving on from him and so she let him fade away."

"Who is he Dad?"

"Um." He says. "Well. The easiest way is to say he's your mum's ex-husband."

I just stare at him confused. My mum had me when she was nineteen.

My mum and dad were together when they were young, she couldn't have been married before that.

"I am confused."

"I know baby, it's confusing." He says. "This is going to be hard to listen to Em, hard to think about mumma in pain."

I swallow. In pain?

I know it's serious when my dad refers to mum as mumma. I know it's bad then because he's trying to be extra careful, extra soft.

He grabs the mugs and walks towards the back doors, nodding for me to come with him and I just follow slowly.

"What do you think happened sweetheart?"

"What do you mean?" I ask sitting down besides him at the garden table.

My dad leans back, flicking on the lights and then he turns to me.

"Your mum and my relationship, what do you know about it's history?"

I shrug and start speaking slowly. "That you got together young and you got her pregnant, but you were in love so you stayed together, moved to Granddad, mum and Nan opened up the café as you and Jackson set up your own business and then when you two were established enough you asked her to marry you and then here we are eighteen years later."

My dad smiles. "I wish that was the truth Emersyn Rose."

"So you lied?" I say quietly and he shakes his head.

"No lies were ever told to you, your mum isn't like that, she just didn't tell her daughter a few of the most painful moments of her life."

"Dad this is freaking me out."

He smiles sympathetically. "Emersyn I can give you the easy version or I can give you the truth. What do you want?"

"I would like to hear the easy version first." I tell him.

He smiles a little, lifting his tea to his lips and I copy him, taking a sip.

He always puts way too much sugar in it. Like I don't ever really have sugar, whereas he believes to his soul that a sweet and strong cup of tea fixes everything.

"Okay the simple but still truthful version is that I did get your mum pregnant at eighteen but then your mum and I split up and Yuen, your mum's exboyfriend came back into the picture and he raised you as his for the first four years of your life." My dad says and I just look at him shocked.

"But then." He carried on. "Then Yuen passed away and your mum moved to be closer to Grandad, which is where I found her again and I met you and I fell deeply in love with the both of you."

I watch his face, his face that shows a whisper of the pain that that story doesn't really allude to.

"Mum said the other day, that she loved two men in her life."

My dad pulls a face immediately at that and I try not to get amused.

"That one was bad and one was good."

He nods.

"And clearly you are the good one."

My dad smiles a little and he nods again.

"So he was the bad one wasn't he?"

"Yes baby."

"Can you tell me the truth now?"

"Yeah." He says, taking a deep breath and he lifts his top up and a part of me wants to make a joke but the more serious part of me just lets him show me his chest.

His points to his scars. His scars that have always just been his scars.

Did you know I thought tattoos were something you were born with? A skin type? My dad told me that and for years I believed that his tattoo covered arms had been with him since birth.

A little like these scars. I just assumed they were always there; I don't even know why I had never asked for their story.

"These are a direct tale of the type of person Yuen Vix was."

I look at his scars. There are two long ones, deep looking, scary looking.

He drops his top down.

"Emersyn the reason why your mum's story is so important to you isn't because his name is on your birth certificate. It's because you have your mumma's brain. And I know you think we are silly to worry. But your mum's illness led her to this man that destroyed her. So we do worry."

I nod a little, watching him.

"Your mum's family- shit Em. Let's just say that your mum had a tough upbringing, so did your uncle. You know this don't you?"

I nod a little.

"And so when your mum started to show the signs of depression then her mum, who was also poorly herself took her to this family. This family who controlled all the illegal work of the town we lived in okay?"

"So like-"

He nods. "Pretty much a gang."

"Okay." I say gently.

"They medicated her and they really really messed with your mumma's head."

"How old was she?"

"Fifteen at this point."

"Okay." I whisper.

"It was there, that she met the son. Yuen Vix."

"Oh." I say quietly.

"Your mum loved him, she did. As much as it pains me."

I nod a little.

"Your mum's illness became worse, she was up and low all the time but her boyfriend at the time he used that to control her, hurt her Em, she wasn't okay."

My chest was rising and falling painfully, just listening to my mum's past. A past that I could have never even imagined.

"When did you meet her?"

"When we were eighteen." He smiles a little.

"So your mum and Yuen were together until something bad happened inside the gang and your mum found a way out."

"She did?"

"Yeah she did." My dad whispers back and I watch him because he is in pain telling me about this and I am just in awe of how much he loves her. How much her pain is his.

"So when I met your mum she was... a little bit of a mess." He chuckles. "Which um is an understatement. It didn't stop me from loving her, whatsoever, I fell so head over heels in love with your mum it's almost embarrassing to think about looking back."

"Embarrassing?" I ask and he just gives me a small smile, shaking his head.

"Not really, just I loved her whilst her heart wasn't able to love back. Not really."

"So she didn't love you back?"

"No she did." He smirks a little. "She just was going through a lot at the time."

"Okay?" I ask and my dad nods.

"And then well I got her pregnant."

"Like on purpose or?"

My dad laughs, shaking his head. "No. I was in love with her but my 18-year-old mind was not like let's have a baby Emersyn."

"Oh."

'In fact, I didn't even know."

"Huh?"

"I didn't know you existed until you were five."

My eyes widened.

"Oh."

"Anyway lets back track. Whilst your mum and I were falling in love, or being friends, if you ask your mum." He mumbles. "Anyway whilst we were together that summer, Yuen started to want your mum back."

My eyes are stressed, watching him.

"And sweetheart, the reason why I didn't meet you until you were five is utterly my fault."

My eyebrows furrow.

"He- I don't even remember what happened exactly. But Yuen and I got into a fight, and when I say fight I mean he was powerful. As in he had men that I didn't. As in he has weapons that I didn't and sweetheart just as I was probably about to die... your mum told him she would disappear with him."

"What?" I whisper.

"Yeah." He says.

"She didn't know she was expecting you, I didn't know, and he didn't know but that is what he wanted. He wanted your mumma so she left with him and well I woke up in hospital-"

"Wait what even happened? How did it end up with you hurt though I don't understand?"

He sighs a little and thinks back.

"Your mum when I was with her, she had a breakdown like a lot worse than anything you have ever seen. She had a break down and so much of her pain was wrapped up in Yuen and so I- I went and payed him a visit. I beat him Em, like I fully beat him up and I cant pretend I am not proud that I did that, I wouldn't- okay I would definitely change that if I could, if it meant the rest changed. But I don't wish I hadn't. He deserved it for what he did to her."

"Okay?"

"So then after I beat him up well your mum was in hospital because she had been sectioned."

"Oh."

"And Well let's just say that my little visit to Yuen, instead of getting him to stay away from her like I planned. He started to reach out, he started to try and rebuild what they once had. Like there were phone calls and coffee and-"

"Mum willingly talked to him?"

My dad nods. "Your mum and Yuen had this bond, this awful, utterly confusing and totally down to the trauma- bond. She wasn't okay and he was getting in her head again, I think, she might be able to explain this bit better but well yeah Yuen one day turned up at your mum's home, just as me and your mum were coming back from something and it was I that kicked off."

"You kicked off?"

"Yes baby I did. I shouldn't have. It literally caused your mum and me so much pain. But I saw him and I kicked off. I pissed him off and then after well- throwing him down the stairs away from your mumma he came back with his guys and they took me back to the warehouse."

"And they hurt you?"

"Yeah. He was going to kill me so he could be with your mum. Your mum saved my life that day, she said that she would go with him as long as she could get me help."

I just nod.

My mum was strong.

Much stronger than anyone I've ever come across.

"And so at eighteen she left with him?" I ask.

My dad nods.

"Sweetheart I tried to find yous. Well her. I tried so hard but they just disappeared. For those five years you mum lived with him, married him, became a mum to you and he- he was your dad."

I feel so- weird.

Like this just isn't real.

How do you believe one thing about your life your whole life and then suddenly in one night it just changes?

"And then he died." My mum's voice shocks us both and we look up, she was stood by the back door, a bag in her hand and she looks directly at me.

"And before you ask, no I didn't kill him." She laughs, albeit tearfully and my dad lets out a small laugh, shaking his head at her.

"Was he horrible when we lived with him mum?"

My mum gives me a painful smile and she shakes her head. "He loved you so much Emersyn. I don't know how you'll feel about that but he did. You turned this... monster into someone that loved something else so purely and so no Em, he was not horrible to you whatsoever."

"But you?" I ask. I listened. I heard the careful word choice.

She steps forwards and comes and sits down beside me and she nods a little.

"It wasn't great Em. But here comes the good part." She smiles, wiping her eyes on her sleeve and she nods to my dad.

"Your mum left the house she lived in with Yuen, sold it and brought a café."

"With Nanny Sheils?"

"Mhm." My mum says and I offer her my hand, and she smiles at me and links our fingers together, pulling our hands on her lap.

"And then one day, your auntie Ivy forced me to go get coffee with her and then I walked in and saw this beauty. After five years of not knowing where she was, or if she was okay or well anything about her. I walked in and Emersyn...my world started to spin again."

"Had it stopped?" I whisper and he nods, looking at my mother.

"It was as if we had never been apart." My dad says and my mum snorts, tears still falling from her eyes and she wipes them away, amused at herself and at something he said.

She looks at me.

"Baby your dad had a fiancé." She says sending me a disgusted face and I gasp, looking at him surprised and he is just smiling at my mum.

"Yeah and your mumma chased her away after no time."