When I said sneak out... well that doesn't work well when you can hear your mum up in the kitchen as I try and make my grand escape.

Ha.

I shouldn't even be sneaking out. At all. But something about August tonight, he seemed a little unhinged. And I couldn't just let him be.

That wasn't me.

Annoyingly so.

"Mum?" I whisper, leaving my bag by the door and I head into the kitchen. She's stood there alone."Where's dad?"

"He's exhausted." She says, turning around to smile at me and I laugh at the way she has a spoon guiltily in her mouth. "He went to bed. Want some?" She offers me the icecream.

"I thought you were big on no sugar before bed?"

She shrugs. "Tonight I recon we allow ourselves the luxury." Then her eyes drag down me, I had my shoes on, a hoodie of Rayne's thrown over me.

I used to leave a lot, like at this time. Which is partly why my parents worry. But to be fair I always just went to Ivy and Jackson's. Like it would be when Rayne and I would be messaging and then he'd tell me to come over. That's why her next words weren't too surprising.

"Going to Rayne's?"

I shake my head. "I know that it's not a good idea." I tell her. "But August is waiting."

My mum's eyebrows raise. "It is almost two in the morning Em."

I nod. "But it didn't matter when you thought I was seeing Rayne?"

"Well Rayne is your harmless best friend." She smiles in amusement. "August is the..."

"The guy that gives me butterflies." I whisper.

My mum lets out a small laugh and she walks around the counter and towards me.

"Butterflies are dangerous baby."

"Don't I know it." I tell her.

She shakes her head. "You don't know it."

I just cross my arms over myself. "Is it okay if I go? He is waiting."

"Emersyn your father is going to kill me."

Yeah I know.

"I am worried about him." I tell her.

"Dad?"

"No August." I breathe. "He's not okay tonight and I know you worry about me but well um you don't have to."

"I don't have to?"

I nod. How can I explain that well- August doesn't want to touch me.

"It's not really like that with us." I say.

"But he is the boy that gives you butterflies?"

I cringe a little. That was cringy and cheesy Em, why did you say that?

"Um... yeah well... There must have been guys that gave you butterflies before mum?"

She smiles and she pats my cheek, walking around me and heading back to her icecream.

"There were two men in my life who gave me butterflies sweetheart. One was good and one was really, really bad."

My eyebrows raise. She's never mentioned this before.

I take a step forward. "What do you mean?"

My mum shakes her head. She looks tired. "I- it doesn't matter. I am just saying... that butterflies either lead to heart break or they lead to babies."

I scrunch my nose up. "Mum-"

"Sweetheart your father gave me butterflies and then he also gave me you."

"Okay..." I say, walking backwards. "As much as this conversation was riveting. I don't need to know that dad gave you me, I know biology-"

My mum laughs. "I just meant from my experience it's the really bad ones that made me feel something. Or it was the really good one. Is August the really good one baby?"

I pull a face. "August is just a guy. Mum I get butterflies looking at a sunset."

She smiles then, shaking her head at herself. "Just be careful."

I was not being careful. I knew this.

I shrugged.

"I will see you in the morning." I say softly and she nods, sitting down at the counter and goving me an amused smile.

"Okay go on then, the other brother is waiting."

"Can you stop referring to him as the other brother." I laugh. "It's just August."

"I know." She smiles softly. "Goodnight."

I smile at her and then grab my bag, swinging it off my shoulder and making my way outside and down the little drive, heading towards his car.

"You said you'd be right out." Was his first words.

I get in the car properly and mumble a small apology. "Mum was talking to me."

He tuts. "And here I thought you'd have the nerve to sneak out."

I give him a small smile. "I usually do but thought I wouldn't give them any more to worry about tonight."

He nods and restarts the car and then we fall into this silence. It wasn't a tense silence, not like usual, it was a silence which just seemed okay. It was okay that we weren't talking. It was okay that I was leaning my head against the window, watching as the moon followed us along the road.

It was okay to just relax, there were hardly any cars on the road and the whole drive was actually really soothing after the chaotic night I had.

To my surprise, just as we were almost back to his, he broke the silence.

"Trev has a few people round."

"Who?" I ask.

"I am not sure, but thought I'd warn you."

"Okay." I say, looking at his side profile for a couple of moments. "Is it okay if we just go in your room though?"

I watch his lips actually tug up. "Yeah Em, that's okay."

"But no funny business." I tell him. "I am a child of God."

"Who just got arrested." He snorts and then his hand leaves the steering wheel and he rests it so casually on my leg, his fingers edging between them. "We both know it's not I that wants the funny business."

I grow quiet then. Did I honestly just seem like a desperate little girl to him?

"Is this really really one sided?" I ask quietly.

August pulls into the parking lot and he frown at me.

"I was joking Emersyn, you and I both know that it's usually me who actually makes the move."

Yeah well that's because I am scared.

"I wasn't actually talking about the kisses." I say, my voice soft.

August is just throwing at me.

"Then yes Em."

It is.

I nod, reaching down for my bag to make an escape and he grabs my wrist, forcing my attention to him.

"But Emersyn you knew this."

I nodded. I did.

"You know that when I say I can only kiss you I wasn't just meaning about sex. I don't feel shit. This is why I said you needed to find yourself a nice guy your own age-"

I just smile a little and get out the car, interrupting his little rant.

He gets out too and I just walk in front of him towards the door.

"Emersyn are you mad now?"

I shake my head honestly. I could never be mad at him when it comes to this shit. He's pretty transparent.

I look at him. "You know, you have pretty good communication skills for a guy."

He blinks at me, pulling the apartment complex door open for me. "Are you being sarcastic?"

"No." I laugh. "I was just thinking. Like you are clear, you don't really mess people around, it's like black and white with you."

"Have to be when it comes to females." He says and I sigh a little when his hand comes to the small of my back, leading me towards the elevator.

"Females." I repeat and he laughs a little.

"That is what you are, is it not?"

"You wouldn't know." I mumble.

He snickers at that and when the elevator doors shut and he presses the sixth floor, I admittedly lean against his side and he lets me sink in a little.

Not pushing me away, not like a few weeks ago.

A lot can change in a few weeks.

I go away in three weeks.

"I know a lot about the female anatomy thank you very much." He says and I tilt my head to catch his eyes.

"Just not about mine."

He smiles. "I have seen you naked Em."

I smile. "In the dark."

"I've seen you topless many times this summer."

"Boobs aren't what I was talking about." I say and his chest vibrates in amusement under me.

"I know."

I turn around, curiosity catching me and I forget about out little intimate position. As in my chest against his, me leaning, his arms around me.

Then the doors open and he smiles down at me, taking a step towards the door, making me stumble. His hand reaches for mine and I don't question it when he links our fingers and drags me out of the little box and down the hall.

"Have you ever slept with a virgin?" I ask, genuinely curious.

"Have I ever taken someone's virginity?" He asks.

I nod.

"We are not sleeping toget-"

"That wasn't what I was saying." I say quickly. "At all."

"I am just curious." I say.

"Yes I have."

"Who?" I ask.

August opens the door and I try not to focus on the way he dropped my hand as soon as we walked through the threshold and saw his friends.

Trev was on the rug, his usual spot when entertaining guests and it was just the guys tonight.

Phoneix, Cal and well Nas.

I send them all a small smile.

Trev jumps up as soon as he sees me.

"Emersyn." He asks. "What the hell happened tonight?"

August takes a step in front of me and my eyes widen at that.

"We can talk about it in the morning Trev, Em and I are gonna just go in my room."

"Is she okay?" T says immediately and I pop my head out, nodding.

"Lue is okay, just a-"

"I meant you blue."

"Oh." I breathe, staring at him. I nod. "I am fine."

"I talked to Luella already. She's going to come here before she leaves tomorrow morning." T says and I just lift my hand up to August's back, playing with the edge of his jumper. I was seeking comfort I guess.

My eyes flicked to the other guys and they were all unashamedly looking over.

"Good night." I say to them and I pull myself away, heading towards August's room and I let myself in.

Thanking the lord he hadn't locked his bedroom and I would have been awkwardly waiting for him.

August doesn't follow me straight away and that's okay, especially when it gives me chance to get changed into some shorts and a top to sleep in, and also okay because when he does come, he has two bottles of water with him and also a plate with two sandwiches on.

"Before you tell me you aren't hungry. Have you honestly eaten anything this evening?"

I send August a small smile, walking close to him so I could shut the door for him. His hands were pretty full.

"I have. But I will eat." I say quietly.

"Good okay." We walk over to his bed and I get in it.

"I swear if you get crumbs in the bed I will kill you." August tells me, passing me the plate and then getting in besides me.

"What if you get crumbs?" I ask, watching in amusement as he grabs his sandwich.

"Then I'll kill myself." He mumbles.

I tense.

"Yeah sorry, bit much?" August asks and I just nod a little, picking a little bite from the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he has made me.

"What did you mean about your medication making you feel weird August?"

"Oh so serious." He chuckles. "I was just messing, don't worry about it."

"I am worrying about it." I say gently and he reaches down by the side of his bed and grabs his laptop which is always on the floor, I just step over it most of the time.

"Put a film on or something."

"Netflix and chill, huh?" I say, only half amused. I was tired, I was concerned.

"Of course." August says amused. Then he gets up, having easily demolished he sandwich in the time I had eaten half.

"August?" I say.

He looks round.

I extend the other half to him.

"You want?"

"Eat it."

I just send a small embarrassed smile and shake my head. I was full.

"Here." August says, reaching for the sandwich and he tears it in half. Handing me back a quarter.

I don't say anything, I just take it and nod. I can manage that.

August grabs the water he brought in and he unscrews the lid and takes a sip, walking across his floor as I sit upright in his bed.

"What ya doing?"

He rolls his eyes at me. "Getting ready for bed."

"You tired?" I ask genuinely. One thing I knew about August before I knew him like this was that he always struggled sleeping.

"No, but I wanna settle down and not have to get up again." He says, heading to his draws and he doesn't go in the bathroom to change, he just undresses down to his briefs and then grabs a pair of I am guessing his sleep shorts and pulls them on.

"It would be beneficial for you to put a top on." I tell him.

"No it wouldn't, I hate sleeping with a top on."

I smile a little as he makes eye contact with me.

"I meant beneficial for me."

August rolls his eyes and he turns back around, heading into his bathroom and I just settle down in his bed, having already gotten ready for bed at home anyway.

I go on his laptop and a little devilish part of me wants to snoop but of course I skip through to google and then type in Netflix.

I put Dawson's Creek on.

He'll just have to deal.

My dad likes it anyway. August might love it, who knows.

When August remerges, he heads straight over to the cabinet besides my head and he grabs his medication out and I watch him actually use water this time to take it.

"You only took one." I whisper. "The other night you took two."

August pauses a little and then he nods. "Nosey."

"I just-"

"I don't need to explain my medication to you Emersyn. But I take one in the morning and one at night, the other day I missed my morning one."

"Okay." I whisper. "I didn't mean to- I am just worried."

"Well stop."

August climbs over me, making me grumble at his laziness, like just walk around you know? And he settles down close to me.

"You can't just tell someone to stop worrying about you August. Things don't work like that."

"How do they work then Em?"

August scoots down, his arm holding his head up as he lies on his side facing me.

I just flick my eyes away from the screen to him.

"Huh?"

"If that isn't how they work then-"

"Oh." I interrupt. "Well they stop acting in the way that is worrisome. Then the worries would disappear."

"You should listen to your own words." August chuckles. "You worried your parents' tonight Em."

I turn to him, the laptop in the middle of us but my attention is fully on him.

"I feel like it's a little rich you saying that to me Leo."

"The Leo was present there so I didn't get offended wasn't it?" August smirked.

I nod. "I am just saying."

"I know." August exhales a sound of amusement. "But I actively try not to stress my parents out."

"So do I." I say.

"Oh sure." He shakes his head at me. "You never seem to think about the consequences of your actions. Like ever."

"Maybe I just believe the outcomes of my actions are to be figured out after the main event."

"You sound young Em."

I smile. "I wont fight you on this occasion. I am young August. I am eighteen, isn't it normal to be a little reckless, to make some mistakes?"

"I wouldn't know what normal is." August laughs. "Don't ask me that. Definitely not."

"You partied though, you messed around, did reckless shit?"

"Yeah I guess I did. But I suppose when I was doing a little bit of that my parents were just happy that I was socialising, that I was okay."

I nod. "And were you okay? When you were younger?"

He shakes his head. "Don't think I've ever been ok."

"Really?" I whisper and he leans his arm down the bed and he places the laptop behind him, in the meantime moving closer to me. We have the back and forth dialogue of Dawson and Joey in the background but I slip my hand across his side and he assists me in sliding in closer.

A hug is what I needed, and I wasn't naïve enough to think August needed anything from me, but as I settle in his arms he doesn't complain.

"When did the episodes start?" I ask.

"You mean my depression?"

"Yeah." I ask, I wasn't looking at him, much to my discontent. But I could either lie here, comfier than ever or I could move and look at him.

I couldn't move out of his hug, I just couldn't.

"I have only had two episodes- like proper ones."

I nod a little.

"Explain it to me?"

"What to you Em?"

"What happened?"

August heaves a sigh and I feel his head shake a little in protest. "No. I told you once that your ears didn't need to hear about this darkness."

"And I am saying please? I just wanna know you August."

"Me telling you this, is letting you know me more than even my brother does Emersyn. More than what I am capable of telling my parents about."

I hold onto him tighter. "How come you tell my dad?"

"Like I said once. Your dad doesn't judge me. He doesn't- he has no expectations for me."

"Your parents they-"

"My parents as in Ivy and Jackson are angels. Saints. They both are. And I know they want nothing more than to have fixed the little broken boy they brought up. So I can't talk about it, not really."

I nod. I do get it. He just doesn't want to disappoint them.

"I am so happy you have my dad."

"you didn't seem happy to see me earlier." August chuckles and I just smile a little into his chest.

"Yeah well you were a surprise."

Leo wraps his arm around me but he relaxes from actively hugging me to him and I fall back just enough that I can get my arm up from under him and get comfier.

"So you understand when I say it's a little much talking to you about it."

I nod. "Because you don't want me to know you that well?"

"I sound like an asshole don't I?"

"No." I say immediately. "You just sound guarded."

"Yeah well trauma." He mutters and I place a small kiss on his skin, my head rested on his shoulder.

He doesn't say anything.

But then he starts talking again.

"When I was a kid, like you knew me, I was a mess, I was moody and cold and a little shit sometimes."

I nod a little.

"So your dad, being your dad, sort of took me under his wing. You were the perfect kid, his disciplining skills had to come in somewhere." August says and I smile at that.

"My dad loves you August."

"I know." He says, wrapping his arm around me tighter for a second.

"So as a kid?"

"As a kid I showed the signs of trauma, like obviously."

I nodded, I knew the story.

Of when he found his mum.

"But like in high school it was as if I got a grasp of it."

"Yeah?" I whisper.

"Mhm. Like I was doing therapy, always, because both Ivy and Jackson know how important it is. And I stuck my head in the books and I had a girlfriend and I had mates it was okay."

I nodded, I would have just been starting high school by the time he was in his last years.

"But?" I whisper when he doesn't say anything.

"But then I had my first depressive episode."

"When?" I ask. I knew he said he didn't want me to know him like this. But he was talking. And I felt he needed someone to know him like this, someone who wasn't my dad or his therapist.

"Last year of school. That's why I dropped out."

"What happened?" I ask. "Why did it just- start?"