It was early, August was asleep and I had momentarily woken up to have a drink as my head was hurting awfully from all the fucking alcohol my poor body absorbed last night. I was going to go back to sleep, it felt so tempting to reclose my eyes and get rid of the pain by sleep take me again.

But when I checked the time and saw it was eight, I realised Lue and Trev would be getting up soon to leave for the clinic, so I decided I'd go and check in on her when I heard their bedroom door open.

And then I'd go back to sleep.

August was facing me, I'd turned around in the night but we weren't connected not really, I think my knee may be pressing against his thigh but that was it but I couldn't help but tune into him, to stare, to listen, to feel his breath fan my cheek as I moved ever so closer.

And for the next half an hour i spend so much time just taking him in I knew that soon enough I would be able to tap out the rhythm of his heart and hum the pattern of his breathing and I know that's not a very good idea. It's not a good idea to commit these things to my memory, to stare at his face for so long that I could draw it from simply closing my eyes and finding the curves and arches of his beautiful face etched in my mind.

I knew what was happening, I wasn't stupid. I'd written about this, I'd read hundreds of books, plays, poems about this phenomenon.

I guess I just never saw that in my future I'd be here at half eight in the morning, sharing a bed with a guy who I'd known my whole childhood, who had disliked me for most of his, who is my best friend/ ex boyfriend's brother. I never saw myself wanting to reach up and stroke his cheek, I never say myself catching feelings for someone who without a doubt wouldn't reciprocate. Not wouldn't. Couldn't. August showed me last night that I wasn't the only one feeling this way, but he also provided me with the knowledge that even if he gives in to whatever this is, this attraction, that is all it would be.

I'd just be another one of his girls that he sees.

And I can't blame him for that. He doesn't do anything other than casual and well ive never been a casual person.

I am a messy person and despite knowing I was playing with fire, despite knowing I am catching feelings unlike ones I had ever felt before, I moved closer to the man who was without a doubt going to wake up and regret the things he said and did the night before.

But just before I could snuggle into his arms, I heard Trev's bedroom door open and I sighed.

I need to go and tell her it'll be okay.

And so I slid backwards instead or forwards and I looked at the t-shirt on my body and I cringed because I really wasn't that covered, especially now it's all crinckled and slept it.

Then I realised it was just them so whatever, I got up and headed quietly out of August's room.

"Hey." I say softly. Trev was stood in the kitchen, I guess making them some food and Luella was sat up on a stool, scrolling through her phone. She looked exhausted.

"Rough night?" I ask and walk towards her and she just throws me a slightly amused look.

"Could say the same to you, miss Emersyn you are emerging from August's room."

I hush her and walk so I am right beside her and lean against her, wrapping my arm around her in a hug.

"When you leaving?" I ask.

"In like ten minutes." Trev answers and then slides some toast towards Luella.

"Would you like some Emersyn?"

I immeditaly go to say no but I nod. "If you don't mind?"

He smiles at me, seeming slightly relieved. "Jam?"

"Yeah whatever is easy." I say, moving to give Lue space to eat and I sit on the stool next to her.

"Emersyn did you do anything naughty?" Luella says and I frown, shaking my head.

"Distract me Em." Lue says finally and I sigh.

"We talked a lot that's all."

"So nothing happened?"

I shook my head. Not really.

"We could hear your laughter for ages." She says, her eyebrows raised.

I don't even remember laughing much honestly.

"and then at like four the shower was run so um Trev suggested that maybe you were both cleaning."

I look at Trev and he is staring at Luella as if she betrayed him. What do they think happened?

"No... just August needed a shower."

"A cold shower?" Trev says, wiggling his eyebrows at me and I narrowed my eyes.

"No a regular shower." I mutter and rub my face, I was tired, I'd only had a few hours sleep so far.

"You hungover?" Lue says and I nod a little.

"I am just majorly tired." I explain and Trev slides a plate over towards me too.

I send him a thankful smile and I pick up a piece, taking a bite.

It's so sweet. But I chew, focusing on Luella.

"How are you feeling?" I ask her.

"Sick." She tells me. "I know I should feel awful for doing what I am doing but I just cant wait to feel better. I feel so shit all the time."

I nod a little and Trev squeezes her shoulders and then goes over to the sofa and I watch him check through her bag, and he puts his keys inside.

"Lue we could come back after. You don't have to do the rest on your own. Like just come back and we-" He starts and she interrupts him.

"Ima be bleeding Trev I don't wanna be in your bed I wanna be in mine."

He sighs a little, his complexion soft. "I just want to be there for you."

She smiles a little and I just try not to watch them but I also cant help it because they are so- just nice to be around.

"I will be fine." She says, her tone firm. "You need to sing anyway tonight. If I have to be in bed you need to be having a good time." She tells him.

He shakes his head. "I am not gonna-"

"You are. This venue is big tonight. Your band deserves this. Don't pull out." She says.

He just stays silent.

"Oh your gig is tonight?" I ask, the one Rayne is supposed to be doing with them as well.

"Mhm." Trev hums.

Lue turns to me.

"You're going too Emersyn." She says.

I shake my head. "I was only going because you were going."

"Rude." Trev mutters and when I throw him an apologetic look he sends me a small amused smile.

"Go for us both." Lue tells me.

"I wont have anyone to go with Lue- it's not safe to go in a crowd all on your own."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Everyone goes. Like Claire and Brit will be there. Phoneix and that."

"Oh." I whisper. "I'll text her."

"Please go." She says and then she picks up her glass of water and finishes it. "Shit Trev we need to go."

He nods and lifts his hand for her to take when she reaches him.

"Please come Em. If I have to do this even when I'd much prefer to be with her, then at least let me see your pretty face in the crowd."

I smile at him and I nod a little, moving my eyes to Luella.

"Love you." I tell her and her frown lifts.

"Love you too."

Luella and Trev make their way out of the door and I am left sleepily picking at toast sat up at the kitchen side, turning my nose up at the dirty apartment.

I could sleep or I could clean for them.

Then I looked back at August's door and I realise I don't know if I can just get back in bed with him.

That's a little much isn't it.

I slept next to him because I was drunk. We had all those little moments last night because he was drunk, because I was drunk.

I wasn't drunk anymore and neither was he.

I decide to creep back in and get my phone, then I'd crash on the sofa for a few hours. Leave him be.

I get off my stool, after finishing my toast by the way, and I head towards his bedroom door. It seemed so much more important this morning to keep a distance. Because he thought I was perfect, that is what he said, he did in fact find me attractive and my heart and head couldn't cope with that. If it could cope then I wouldn't have all these fluttering's.

I wish I could explain to him how his eyes, how the sound of his voice gives me butterflies. How his smile, his rare fucking striking smile makes my heart skip. I wish I could get him to explain to me why I feel so much more grounded when I am with him, I wish I could ask him to explain to me, I wish he could show me black and white why I feel like this and what I should do about it.

I know his answer though.

His answer would be something along the lines of grow up, of get a grip, of you are my brother's girl so calm the fuck down.

He makes my hands shake. More than they usually do anyway.

I open the door and I startle a little when he's stood, going through his draws. I gathered he'd still be asleep.

"Hey." I breathe.

August's eyes look towards me and he nods, looking back to his draws.

"What do you want?" He mumbles.

He's cold.

I am not totally surprised.

"Just my phone." I walk across the floor and I reach the side of my bed I was sleeping in and I sit down, reaching for my phone and I unlock it, checking my notifications.

"You need to get out Emersyn."

His voice is emotionless, his back towards me.

"Out of your room or out of the apartment?" I ask for clarification. I wont refuse, I just want to know what he wants.

"Room. I need to get changed."

I nod. "Where are you going?"

"Beach." Leo mutters. "Need to train, my coach is meeting me there, a few of us are going."

I swallow a little painfully. "Okay. Sorry I didn't know you had plans this morning."

"Yeah well I do. So get dressed."

"You just missed Lue and Trev." I tell him and I grab my phone and I find my shoes tossed by his bedroom door. He is walking back and forth between his bed and his wardrobe, tossing things in a bag.

"I know." He says.

"She- it would be nice if you maybe messaged her?" I ask and his eyes lift to mine and I try not to flinch at his mood, his annoyance clearly radiating through his eyes.

Okay.

"I have."

"Oh okay." I smile a little and walk back across the room, avoiding him and grabbing my dress. I slide it up under his top, ignoring his presence as I get rechanged into the dress.

It could sorta pass as summer dress, it's fine.

"August?" I ask quietly and I know he doesn't wanna say yeah, I can feel him not wanting to respond to me.

Alcohol sure does allow for a false sense of security huh?

"Would you like me to get a lift from someone else or will you take me back into town? I don't mind getting a lift, I'll wake up Rayne or I will get my dad to come it's fine. But I-"

"Stop talking Emersyn I am hungover I don't need to hear your voice as well."

My voice is nice, stuff him. Like people say I have a nice voice.

Don't take this personally Emersyn.

"Okay." I tap on my dad's number, knowing he'll be awake and I lift the phone to my ear, walking past August as he slowly lifts his head and watches me.

"Morning Bub, you okay?" He asks.

"Hi Dad sorry to-"

"What the fuck are you doing, obviously I'll take you home?" August snaps making me turn around to him and I lift an eyebrow at him.

"Sorry." I say to my dad. "I was wondering if you could pick me up, I know it's a pain."

"Emersyn hang up the phone." August says and I shake my head, listening to my dad instead and I walk away from him, heading into the main living space.

"Where are you? I thought you were at Rayne's?"

"No Lue and I stayed and Trev's." I tell him.

He chuckles. "You say Trev's as if I don't know that means August as well."

I smile a little at that. "Are you busy?" I ask.

"No bub, but I am making breakfast for your mum and me, can you give me fifteen minutes and then I'll head out?"

"Thank you." I say and I flinch when August's door shuts loudly behind him.

"Tell him you're getting a lift." He says, ignoring again that I was mid-conversation.

"No worries. I will see you soon." My dad says and he hangs up, and I turn around to face the confusing ass man infront of me.

"What's wrong?" I ask him. "Are you okay?"

He lets out an angry puff of air. "Tell your dad I am literally taking you home, like we were almost ready what the fuck?"

"August I won't get in a car with you when you are angry. I don't feel safe doing that."

He simmers a little, but his tension is giving me a headache, I wonder how much it hurts him too. "I am not mad Emersyn."

"You are and-" I take in a breath. "That's okay. But I would prefer to get a lift from my dad than you right now."

"Emersyn." He frowns.

"No it's okay." I answer. "I wanted distance, it's easier to do that when you don't wanna be around me anyway."

"I do want to be around you." He says immediately, his voice deep. "I just can't do this."

"Do what?" I whisper.

"Want to be around you."

I close my eyes a little, not liking his words. "Then let's stay away from each other."

"Emersyn for fuck sake."

I reopen my eyes, meeting his annoyed ones.

"What August?"

"Nothing." He mutters and he swings his bag over his shoulder and then he walks to the kitchen and he pulls the draws open, finding a spare key and he tosses it over to me.

I embarrassingly don't catch it.

It's loud against the floorboards.

"Lock up when you leave." He mutters.

"I will."

He grabs himself some food and fills up his water bottle and then he heads towards the front door.

"I will see you tonight." He mumbles, not looking back before he pulls it open but my voice makes him freeze.

"What's tonight?"

August turns around, his eyes not meeting mine. "Trev's gig."

"You're going?"

"I told you I would, didn't I?"

Oh yeah.

I nod.

Then he pulls the door shut behind him and I am left feeling winded.

Winded as if ever single butterfly I had felt flickering in me this morning has been captured and put in jars again. Unnaturally caged up. And I would let them go again when I felt like it, when August apparently felt like it.

And I knew that was bad. That it was abusive to them, to the delicate creatures. But it seemed as if I didn't mind. As if they didn't either.

Which probably should have been a red flag. But hey, literary inspiration, right?

Right.

...

Rayne was waiting, impatiently, for me to pick out an outfit for tonight. I didn't know what to wear, I never do. But to gigs it's different, it's not a club per say so getting that dressed up isn't the norm but also there's dancing and drinks and music and so you have to get dressed up to a certain extent.

"How about you just wear that and that." He nods to my black flared trousers and a long-sleeved cross top.

"Because I will sweat. It's so hot this evening and we're going-"

"Yeah, yeah okay."

I reach in and pick out my purple silky dress I wore a few weeks ago. The one that August said was interesting.

I turn to show him and he shakes his head.

"It's too... soft. Em this place is like grungy."

I crinkle my nose.

"Not like that." He laughs. "It's like the theme, the vibe. Look. Band top, ripped jeans done." He points down to his outfit and I just sigh.

And then I nod, thinking I can probably figure this out.

I toss him a top of his, a big band one and he catches is, watching me with amusement. It was a distressed black colour with some white writing all over it. And then I go through my wardrobe to try and find a skirt, I have a denim black one that will go but I paused over my black leopard print skirt.

I turn to him and he's shaking his head.

"Hear me out." I laugh and slide it on under my robe.

"It's a nice skirt Em but it doesn't go with-"

"No it does." I stress. "It'll be a vibe."

"Oh god." Rayne laughs and throws me the top he was holding for me.

"Where are my scissors?" I ask.

"Oh god what are you doing?"

"I dabbled in sewing, I have this don't you worry."

He just looks at me unimpressed.

"Rayne." I laugh, going over to my desk and I find my scissors and a chalk pensil and I work my way to crop the top.

"Emersyn you understand don't you that we need to leave in ten minutes. Like actually need to."

I just nod, humming a little to myself. I was worried about tonight because i wouldn't be with Rayne, as he would be on stage, I wouldn't be with Lue, as she was in bed and I wouldn't be with T because he would be up there too.

Luella is okay. She said the cramps hurt more than she expected but that her mum is actually being nice.

I was going to be stuck with August, wasn't I? And him at a gig, like he'd have to be high, or drunk, and I don't know about him but I still feel pretty hungover anyway.

"Did you see August today?" I ask quietly, tearing at the top as I listen for his reply.

"Mhm, he came home for lunch. Mum was attempting to make waffles for us all. Dad had a lunch break, came home, actually made the Waffles and then left again."

I snort a little at that. "Your mum's cooking escapades are my favourite."

"My dad said she didn't realise that she couldn't cook, that everything she made for them when they were younger was good, he said she basically led him to marry her on false pretences."

"Well I bet your mum just tells him that cooking is not her job."

"Mhm she attacks him for being sexist and then they bicker until they get bored."

I laugh at that, then turn around, showing him my work.

"I mean yeah, but with that skirt?" Rayne says.

"Yeah look." I turn my back to him, dropping my robe and I pull the top over my bra.

"Okay and then." I say, heading to the box at the bottom of my wardrobe. "This black belt." I put it on and then I head to find some jewellery.

I turn to him.

"No?" I ask.

He shakes his head and then turns it to a nod. "No, yeah. It's the vibe. You look hot."

I smile. "Thankyou Rainie."

Rayne just rolls his eyes and then he looks down at my legs. "I know it's hot but tights would look good too."

"Hm..." I hum and then my eyes widen when I still need to get my bag together and we really do need to go.

"No time to get tights on, honestly." I say, slipping my feet into some shoes.

He nods, sitting up and grabbing my black bag that I usually wear. "This?"

I agree and then we sort of just rush out, getting into his death trap of a car.

"I never knew how scary your driving is until I got in a car with August." I tell Rayne. "You are awful."

He looks so offended. "My brother has three years of experience on me Em."

I smile at that. "Not just in driving aye."

Rayne's lips part and he gives me a disgusted look.

"Emersyn Rose get your head out the gutter."

"It's out, it's out." I laugh.

I strap myself in tightly, looking at him with fear as he starts the car.