As the sun went down, the fire became bright and vivid, as though someone had shone a spotlight on it. The light cast by the flames danced up into the sky and waved up to the moon, it was captivating and honestly...

I felt so proud of our little fire.

What screams independent women more than creating out own little fire on the beach?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was so excited.

Luella and I had brought some dinner from a little restaurant called Harper's and they were kind enough to box it up for us. So we had eaten it on the beach together. We went swimming and talked and set up for a long night of talking, stargazing, eating and hopefully keeping warm by the fire.

I say hopefully because I dunno what I am doing with this fire, we are just going with the flow.

It was beautiful here, we always came here as a kid because it was so private. The cliffs surround us in a semi circle and we sit on blankets in pretty much the middle of the beach. No one has come, we've been alone for hours now and it was so nice.

I was picking at some grapes when Luella unleashed the reason why she wasn't okay. Why she although not sad has been a little quiet all evening.

I was definitely not expecting her next words though.

"Pretty sure Trev's knocked me up."

I choke, shocked at her words and the grape gets lodged down my windpipe and I cough and cough to try and un lodge it.

"Jesus Christ." Luella says, sitting up and watching me with wide eyes.

I end up swallowing it and she stares at me.

"That was dramatic."

"You can't just blurt things with me, I can't breathe." I gasp, reaching for the bottle of water she was handing me.

She stays silent as I recover and then she lies back down, looking up at the moon.

"So yeah."

Shit.

Shit right?

Like, her face is totally blank. How do I know how to react when she's not giving me anything.

"Are you okay?" I ask quietly and Luella turns her head to mine and she shakes her head.

"Trev doesn't understand."

"Huh?"

"He's like shit okay, well let's just get a test and then we'll figure it out from there."

I nod slowly.

That sounds like a good plan to be honest.

"So you told him?"

"Yeah. Remember when I cried? Like yeah-'

"Oh." I whisper. "Have you told anyone else?"

She shakes her head. "Just you and Trev."

That makes my heart warm, but now is not the time.

"Why did you say that Trev doesn't understand Lue? Like getting a test sounds like a good idea."

She shakes her head. "Shit Em I can't be pregnant."

"You just need to know for sure." I say softly.

"Well seeing as two weeks late on my usually very regular cycle, and I am being sick every morning and my tits are so fucking sore doesn't exactly say- this stupid teen is free from foetus, I'd say I've fucked up. "

I smile only a little. "We could go and get one now?" I say softly. "To make sure?"

"No Trev brought three tests last night, I just don't wanna do them."

I watch her, a little confused.

"Because you're scared what they will say?"

She nods and opens her eyes. "Shit Emersyn, Grey."

Her boyfriend which she lost.

Oh.

"We fucking- we talked about kids. He was literally the love of my life, we were going to have kids and get married and we talked about all this shit and how- god dammit how is it that not even two years later I am- his best friend has knocked me up."

Okay I get the turmoil. This would be freaking stressful for anyone, but Luella's still grieving for him, she still feels pain when she thinks about him. She still feels guilt over her and Trev's relationship.

I nod. "Luella these things happen."

She sits up and looks at me. "Prolife or prochoice?"

My eyebrows raise. "Lue..."

"Honestly these should be like screening questions before you get friends with someone."

"Lue I would hold your hand through anything, whether that an appointment at a clinic, at the maternity ward or at an adoption meeting. Luella I will never judge you for anything."

She nods slowly and she rubs her eyes. "If I am pregnant, I am not keeping it." She says.

I nod. "Okay."

"But I- I dunno what Trev will think about that."

"It's not his body Luella."

"I know." She says. "I just- I am only nineteen. And I know that's not even that young but shit I can't look after a kid, I can't even look after myself. I- I have no money, my mother-goodness. She would be utterly furious. She thinks I am such a mess already, and to be fair I am."

I nod slowly. She doesn't have to justify anything to me. But she carries on talking.

"And maybe it would be different if like- I hadn't been drinking and doing drugs. But I have. I only realised like a few days ago that I missed my period. Which means for at least-what a month-this thing growing inside of me has been literally swimming in alcohol and substances that could have really fucking damaged it."

I nod. I get it.

"Okay Lue." I say gently. "So you do the test, and we will figure it all out from there."

She nods slowly and she then smiles a little. "Shit Emersyn I dunno what I would have done if I hadn't have met you."

"What do you mean?" I whisper.

"Look at us, we are literally just- I don't know having a chat on the beach, with a fire and wet hair and the stars are coming out and I am telling you secrets and man if I hadn't have met you I would be a pool of self-hatred and probably vodka right now."

We weren't drinking tonight. We were going to but then we were at the shop and I just really wasn't feeling it, and when I said to Lue about it she agreed. Now I knew probably why- but yeah. It is nice to just have a clear head.

"Share something Emersyn." Lue says and I just frown, lying down on the blanket, our heads close.

I have nothing to share.

I don't feel like the whole I am fancying the pants of off August was the same vibe as 'I am pregnant'.

As we lay in silence, I feel the breeze of the sea and I sit up, looking at how the tide was acting but it was fine, it's still far away from us. The water under moonlight looks so nice, it is so calm, so serene.

"Can we go swimming?" I ask her and she pulls a face.

"That's not a secret."

I huff and lie back down.

I only have one thing going on and I dunno how to put that into words.

Plus it's not a proper thing, it's just my head being problematic. Like it's not actually in control of anything, I have this under control.

"Emersyn?" Lue says, her face turning to connect our eyes.

"You must have secrets."

I smiled. "I do have secrets Lue but some are too small and some are too big to be shared in balance to your secret."

She frowns. "Tell me the big ones."

"It's not an actual thing."

"Tell me."

I take a deep breath and the shrug. It's fine.

"I am forgetting to eat again."

She freezes a little and sits up, looking down at me and I just watch her face.

"Which sounds a little strange I know."

Luella just looks down at me, listening.

"I have this thing..."

"Mm?" She hums.

"it's not a thing. Like I don't actually- I eat. I eat enough in the day. But sometimes I forget, like I'll go the whole day and I wont have eaten and when I say I forget it's not- I will feel myself be hungry but I am like- I feel this strange need not to eat. Unless I've done someone positive that day."

I was rambling.

"Explain what you mean?" She says quietly.

"Like sometimes I will eat something, and I will feel so awful about myself after, like that I shouldn't have eaten that. But other times, if maybe I haven't eaten much or like I have done exercise, or I have made someone's day a little better I can eat and I will feel fine. Like it's not a thing then."

"When you feel you deserve to eat." Luella says. "Emersyn..."

"Yeah I know." I laugh a little. "I am eating don't worry. Like I only have one day this week where I didn't eat much and my mum knows and my dad knows and they practically force food down me but I just- I never wanna put food in my body- it feels gross."

God I was so uncomfortable.

So so so uncomfortable.

"Disordered eating is a thing without it having to be classified as one of the big eating disorders labels Em. You keep saying it's fine but it's not okay.

I may have forgetting she does psychology.

Ha.

"I know. It's just a weird body imagine thing which I guess leads to faulty eating behaviour. Like I am working on it. I ate so much today and I don't even feel bad about myself like I don't- it's not a weight thing. I don't even care how much I weigh; I am not calorie counting or sticking fingers down my throat I am fine I just- have a very weird relationship with food."

Luella is quiet and then she shakes her head.

"Emersyn, I lost Greyson to anorexia."

My heart drops. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you're swimming and you wanna put your feet down on something solid, but the water's deeper than you think and there's nothing there? That's how I felt when Luella said this.

Shit Emersyn you should have gone with the August secret.

Go with small secrets not big secrets you dickhead.

"I am so sorry." I say sitting up. "I shouldn't have brought it up, it's honestly nothing. Just a thing in my life that I am sorting out. I promise."

"No Emersyn." Lue says, running her fingers through her hair. "You might see your eating behaviours as little and insignificant, but I see them as red flags I missed with Grey. Please, please, please, let's do something that'll counter this. Shit therapy? Will that help- can we-"

I reach forward and touch her hands. "I used to have mini sessions with Rayne's grandma, I might start going again." I say softly. 'Luella I am not unwell, like this is me good at the moment. Recognising that I have such a strange relationship with food. I promise you I am okay and that it is managed."

I wasn't lying. I said before that the last few months of school were stressful. But mum forced me to eat with her every time she made food and we also did low impact exercise. Like yoga, so I felt I could eat but I wasn't actually burning off many calories.

I liked my slight curves and the way my thighs touched, I liked it. It's just a really small part of my brain says I shouldn't. Turning vegetarian has helped so much, so so much because I feel good after I have eaten. But the last week or two it's been a little tricky again.

Everyone's worried about bipolar when reality it's this little tick in my head that I am focusing on.

"Oh god you are going to hate me." Luella says and I look up at her slightly terrified.

"What does this mean?"

"I am going to check up on you every day. I am going to tell you you are so god damn beautiful every single day okay."

"Luella it's not that- you don't need to."

"I lost Greyson because I was stupid and blind, I don't care what you're saying, I am going to make sure you are okay Emersyn because I cannot lose anyone again."

"Luella I promise you this isn't-"

"No I know, but it could be the start of it. If you don't get it under control." She says softly. "So I am going to just help you manage it."

"Okay." I nod more for her than me.

I have this. Like I don't need help honestly. But I feel like this could help her so- whatever.

I pick up another grape and toss it into the fire. "I really did almost die earlier."

"You are so dramatic." She laughs and then she reaches for her costume.

We had gone swimming and then gotten changed because it we agreed not to go back in.

"It's still wet." She huffs. "I refuse to swim in this."

"We're swimming?"

Luella laughs, nodding. "We have to, I feel like it's super necessary right now for our souls to be cleansed of the worries they hold."

"Oh goodness." I say, laughing at her calling me dramatic and then saying something like that.

"You can wear my t-shirt of you like- I brought some extra clothes because I get freezing."

I was warm right now to be honest but obviously the fire was helping a lot. And the uncomfortable conversation heating me from inside.

Luella stands and she shakes her head.

"Get up." She instructs and I just do, looking out over the water which didn't at all even seem scary in the dark, it seemed almost safer, peaceful.

I still had my bikini on, but I had thrown August's jumper over the top of it.

I take off the jumper and Luella shakes her head at me in amusement and then she strips, like full freaking frontal naked and my eyes attach to hers in shock.

And then she's off.

She runs, as in Luella who doesn't freaking run, sprints naked off into the water and I just grab towels and walk slowly down the beach after her.

Rightio.

"Luella." I laugh as she is now shoulder's deep in the water and she turns and looks at me.

"Come in Emersyn."

I drop the towels up the beach a little and walk so my toes are in.

"Emersyn come on." She laughs. "It's only us here and even if it wasn't your body is literally amazing."

I frown. She wants me to get undressed.

She's literally seen me before and it is just us.

But the fact we are outside and the fact I talked about the eating thing today has been feeling extra uncomfortable.

Luella laughs and she splashes me and she stands up.

My eyes lower to the water and she laughs harder.

"Emersyn you need to get more comfortable in your skin. And Jesus it feels so nice. Come on live."

Live.

I sigh and reach for the strings that hold my bikini top up and I just stare up at the moon trying to absorb it's confidence.

She turned up every night, let everyone look at her and she shone naked across the world. Her light sometimes bright, sometimes not.

I pulled the material away and I could feel Luella's grin and I just tossed the top back to our towels and then looked down at the way my reflection was evident across the silver surface of the waves.

"Damn girlie." Luella encourages. "Come in."

My hands were freaking shaking but I turned around, checking we were alone and then I just shrugged, forcing the little drops of moonlight to give me some courage and then I strip.

And she cheers.

And then I dive into the waves and immediately feel relief. Under water I turn, opening my eyes and I see the light only briefly dance across the surface waves, it was dark, scary but utterly peaceful for some reason. Silence clogs my ears as I drift alone under the surface of the ocean and I let the cold wrap my body in it's touch.

It was exhilarating. No clothes, nothing to hide behind, and as I kicked up from the sand and broke back through the surface.

"Hi." Luella laughs as I gasp for air.

"Hey." I smile, splashing her with water at how impressed with herself she seems.

Water rocks us, holding us firmly and I just smile, looking out towards the abyss of blue.

Which wasn't really blue, a midnight blue at best, more like black, utterly dark.

"How do you feel?" Luella laughs, swimming towards me and I just swim deeper.

"Free." I laugh, knowing that is what she wants to hear.

"Confident?" She says, raising an eyebrow and I shrug.

"I am just not very confident I guess."

"Unless it's with August."

I let out a puff of air at that. Well okay Lue.

"What do you mean?"

She shrugs. "You just turn into this little different person, feistier, less tamed."

I smile a little. "I like winding August up. He doesn't like me anyway so there's less pressure to be perfect."

Luella laughs a little but she says she gets it and we just swim around for a little bit, me trying not to complain that I am cold until she does.

She is calm, chilling in the water with her head back and I just look down at myself for a second.

My skin seems so pale right now, bright white and glowing under the water's surface. My hair is covering me, and I actually duck under to make it all fall down my back instead.

If you stare down at the water close enough you can see the little specs of light being reflected from the sky and I let myself float a little, looking down at my body and I just frown at myself. Not at my body, at my head. Why does it convince me of negativity when right now all I wanna do is put into words how beautiful it is that I can almost see the stars on my skin? The way the water feels against my body, the way my curves feel right, feel so natural in the water, how I don't at all see myself as something other than beautiful right now.

And it feels good. It feels positive. It feels almost as if I can taste the magic of the ocean and the moon and the connection between her and I and she.

And for tonight it's changed a little, a quite self-reassurance that coats me. Because sometimes I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel the words that my family, my friends even strangers describe me as. But tonight, it feels okay. That I might not see what they see, but I do see what I see, and what I see right now in this second isn't at all bad.

And then Luella mumbles a little oh god.

"What?" I say immediately turning to her.

"Look at the beach."

I turn, looking round and admittedly I feel startled when you see two six-foot guys stood beside our fire. It's slightly ever so shocking.

And then I rub my eyes and I sigh.

Because it was although it was yes, two uninvited males, it was just Trev and August stood staring out at us and I turned to her.

"They can't possibly know that we haven't got clothes on, can they?"

"I think the better question is why on earth are they here?" She grits out. "I told him I needed a night away from him to figure shit out."

"Let's go talk to them." I offer. "How will we get out?"

"I'll just get out and bring you your towel?" She says. "I will cover you don't worry." Lue smiles, standing up and I literally stare at her shocked at the confidence she walks with as she walks out of the ocean and in front of the guys just grabs her towel, wraps it around her and then goes to pick mine up.

I wish. Maybe I should just follow her? I wish I had the confidence. How do you get that sort of confidence? By just saying fuck it maybe?

So then, anticipation clutching my heart as it's own, I just take a deep breath and I stand up too, my eyes lowered away from them. When I feel three pairs of eyes on me I feel the need to look up but I lock mine with Lue's. She pauses her walk towards me and then she grins at me as I start walking and the water lowers and lowers down my body.

I couldn't believe I was doing this. It was dark anyway, they would hardly see anything other than the white light of the moon maybe illuminating certain parts of my body.

This was scary. Don't fucking fall. We are the optimone of elegance and confidence right now Em, okay? Ok. I have this. I did ballet, I am balanced. I am good at this shit.