My mum knocks on my bedroom door and I just pause mid-way through pulling my dress over my head. Ha caught.

"Yeah?" I call out.

"Can I come in?"

"One second." I say, pulling the dress securely over my head and I pull on Rayne's hoodie over me as well.

"You can come in."

My mum enters and I smile at her, sitting down on the edge of my bed.

"You going out?" She asks.

"Yeah I mean- it is a Friday night."

She nods and comes to sit down next to me. They still hadn't quite gotten over the whole Jam thing, it was a couple of days ago and to be fair I have enjoyed every slice of toast I have made with the Jam on, even though they both expected me to be sick of it by now.

Like I don't like Jam, but I honestly was impressed with mine.

"Who are you going out with?" My mum asks, her eyes trying to find mine and I just tap my fingers on my mattress unsure whether to lie or not.

"Um Rayne?"

"Rayne's working on a case with Jackson." My mum says immediately, and I cringe.

"Okay not Rayne."

"Emersyn..." She says softly, turning to look at me and I just sigh and meet her eyes.

"Yeah?"

"What's going on? Why is your dad so concerned over the friends you have made?"

I just shrug. She'll know, like he would have told her why he'd concerned. She just wants me to tell her and to be blatantly honest I don't really know why they're so concerned.

"Mum it's just a garden party." I smile, cocking my head to the side and she sighs.

"Emmy-don't lie to me. Like- goodness Em, I am never going to judge you for literally anything. But please don't lie to me."

"I am not lying." I stress.

"You lied about seeing Rayne."

"Well just because-"

"They're into drugs, right?" My mum says and I look up to meet her eyes and I shrug. I guess so. But like- that isn't why I wanna meet Luella and Trev, they are just good to be around.

"Have you done anything?" She asks.

She seems so calm.

"No mum."

"Are you going to?"

Her eyes are bright, almost a reflection of mine in colouration. But hers are filled with slight apprehension and clear blatant curiosity.

"No." I say. "Or maybe." I stand up. "Look I am just going to a party I don't get why it's-"

"Emersyn calm down." My mum says and I just frown at her.

I run my hand through my hair in frustration. They have been secretive and whispering and watching me all week. I don't get it.

"You guys... Can you just explain to me why you're walking on egg shells around me? Explain why you haven't been like no Em you can't go. I know that's what dad wants. I know-"

"Because you're eighteen." My mum says. "You and I both know you are going to do what you want. I just wanna tell you have a support system back home if you ever need it."

I blink in confusion. "Mum why are you- what are you worried about?"

"Reckless behaviour." She smiles. "I just- we are just keeping an eye on you."

Reckless behaviour? I am just going to a party, I am just making new friends, like that's good. I can feel myself growing even more frustrated because why on earth is this such a big deal?

"Well you're driving me insane so can we-"

"Emersyn." She states shocked, I never ever spoken to her or well anyone in the tone that just fell between my lips and I just stare back shocked too.

"It's just a lot. I just wanna go and spend time with my friends and you and dad are stressing over stuff that doesn't need to be stressed about. I am going to a party, it's normal, I am sure you went to parties."

"Yes Em I went to parties, that is why I am worrying." My mum says quietly, she laughs.

She was a little all over the place when she was my age apparently. I am not like that, I just want to spend time with my friends without having to worry about my parents and the fact they are stressing.

"I am late." I mumble. "Mum I love you. Please don't stress. I am just going to spend time with Luella."

My mum nods. "You look nice."

I smile back. I had a soft cherry dress on and Rayne's white jumper over the top. It fell about mid thigh and so only the edges of my skirt could be seen but I dared to colour my lips the same colour as my dress and I knew I was purposely drawing attention to them.

"I dunno whether to put my hair up or not." I say, pulling it around to the side. "I am thinking of cutting it."

"It's so long." My mum agrees. My ends of my hair were like down to my hips and although some days I literally adored it, I just felt young somehow. Like I always strived for pretty hair, I used to hide behind it sort of. But this summer, Italy even, just I am so much more comfortable in my skin and for some reason I felt like my hair didn't attest to that.

Or on normal days I am. More confident. Some days are a little- harsher. Like today.

"How much would you want off?" She asks.

"Um not like loads, I still want it long. But like maybe here." I hold my hand just under my boobs and my mum nods.

"It would be good, to see you not just a lump of hair even if I did make it from scratch."

I pull a face. Make it from scratch. A lump of Hair.

"Are you staying out?" My mum asks.

I shake my head. "Probably not I- well I will get home somehow."

"Is August going to be there?"

I shrug. I see my dad shared that with her. "I wouldn't know this information mum. But I mean- Trevor invited me and Luella so I am gathering he probably invited August as well.

"Hmm." She hums. "But Rayne isn't going?"

I shrug. "Rayne isn't really a fan of them all."

"And you're picking going out over a night in with Rayne?"

"Yes mum, I am my own person." I nod.

She holds her hands up in surrender. "You are extra spirited tonight."

I just frown, turning back to my mirror and I pull the jumper back up over my head. "Do I look too big with the jumper on?" I say quietly and my mum frowns immediately.

"Emmy we have talked about this. You're tiny. You-"

I shake it off. "I know, sorry. It's chill. I am just having a weird day."

She just watched me closely in the mirror. "Look at yourself clearly Emersyn."

I just look. I- I look better without the massive jumper.

I am just having a funny day. Like one second I am looking at myself and I can see that the dress clings to my waist perfectly and hangs flatteringly over my hips, my hair wavy as it cascades down my back in dark rich strands. My eyes are bright, light blue and utterly contrasting with my red lips and dark hair but they are probably my only redeeming feature. Shit. No you see? Like I- I know I look nice I know it but sometimes it's like I don't let myself remember that.

I don't know. If I wear the dress without the jumper then I will feel so exposed and like everyone can see my odd curves that aren't even odd they are literally exactly where they are supposed to be... but if I do where the jumper then people will think the bagginess is like my actual flesh and I will feel like I am taking up way too much space.

You know?

"I don't know why my self-esteem is so low sometimes." I say to my mum honestly.

She always openly talked to me about this, my dad is less understanding, he just blinks at me as if I am stupid and tells me that I am so beautiful. He doesn't understand that I know he thinks that but I don't think that.

"Neither do I." My mum smiles, her eyes watching me. "You used to be the most confident little girl."

I frown. "I am still pretty confident. Like I- I know that I look good. Like I know that I could walk into that party like this and I don't think anyone is going to think that I look bad. But something inside me wants me to think that I do."

She nods. "I just want you to keep remembering that you are so much more than your beautiful face Emersyn. I know you sometimes struggle with that but baby you are beautiful inside and out and I know you know you're a good person. So focus on that on the bad days."

I smile, looking back around to the wardrobe and I decide to reach for a cream coloured oversized cardigan instead and I wrapped that around me.

"That helped." I say gently.

I look in the mirror and nod. Who gives a shit about what I look like? I can be a nice ass person. "Thankyou." I say to my mum.

She smiles, relief evident in her eyes. "Okay. Are you like super super late now?"

I laugh, cringing as I look over at my phone which is charging on my bedside cabinet. It was flashing and I knew someone was ringing me, well when I say someone. Luella.

It was already nine and she wanted me to be at hers by half eight.

I got a little waylaid.

"Oops." I mumble and throw a grin at mum. "Any chance you can give me a lift?"

Her eyes rolls, but she nods. And I just grin.

...

Luella and I were sat on the grass. This house was freaking gigantic and I had no idea who even owned it, who was hosting the party but it didn't really matter.

The whole group from the other night was here too. Cal, Phoenix and Britney sat up on the picnic bench we had accumulated whilst Trev, Luella, Claire and August were spread about on the floor underneath them.

They were smoking, however Luella hadn't touched anything all evening and I was wondering why. But I wasn't going to question it.

Everyone else was just chatting, the lawn pretty full of other little groups like ours but I couldn't help but notice that August was ignoring my presence totally today. Like he was smoking, drinking as well, but he was pretending that I didn't exist.

Which didn't really bother me to be honest, it was nicer than the other night when he was watching and scowling at me all evening.

Plus Luella was distracting me.

"So you've never given a hickie?" She whispers to me, we were facing away from the little circle, I wasn't even sure how come.

Oh we were taking photos with the sunset shinning on us. It was such a beautiful sun set. By the time I got here it was already gone nine but it wasn't dark yet, the sky was alive with stunning vibrant tones of pink and orange even though the sun had long disappeared.

"No. I have." I whisper.

"But not like for what they're supposed to be for-" She asks and I just scrunch my nose up.

I had boyfriends literally all through like my life- I just broke up with Peter when we were like sixteen and we never went further than like the odd touch. Then I just- haven't dound anyone I liked since then.

"What do you mean?" I ask. I guess I just gave him a hickie because it was fun at the time.

"You're so innocent." She whispers, amused. "Like usually you suck on their neck as like a way to keep quiet or like if you're trying to turn them on."

I feel the heat already on my cheeks at this conversation.

"Oh."

"I am confused why haven't you and your boyfriend...." Luella says quietly, conscious of August thankfully and I just scrunch my face up and lie back down on the grass, letting my hair spread out under me and I tug my loose skirt down a little so not so much of my thigh was exposed.

Luella lies down too, and I feel the groups attention on us more now that we had basically lied down in the middle of the circle.

"Just haven't." I say quietly. "He is still my best friend we are just taking it steady I guess."

She nods and then turns her face to me.

"What about a blow job?"

"Luella!" I exclaim, raising my hands to my cheeks and I just glare slightly because I know she can feel my embarrassment.

"No?"

I shake my head.

She nods. "This summer Em."

I crinkle my nose up. "One of your plans for me is to-"

"Discover your sexuality." She grins, nodding.

"Lue-"

She shrugs. "I don't care if that's with your boyfriend or not."

My eyes widen and I push her shoulder away from mine in amusement.

"I volunteer as tribute." Trev says, which makes Luella and I roll over so we were laid on our stomachs and we both glare at him.

His hands raise in surrender. "I guess fucking not."

"Okay what about like hot and heavy in a movie theatre?" She says and I just sigh heavily, and she shakes her head at me as if she was ashamed.

"No. You wanna go stargazing?" I ask and she laughs at my attempt to change the subject.

"Sure. Only if you have sex in a car though."

My lips part and I know she is winding me up, so I narrow my eyes in determination.

"Let's go to a sunflower field."

Luella laughs and she nods. "That's cute Em, let's steal shit."

My eyes widen, my head shaking slowly.

"Let's go paddle boarding."

I dunno where that one came from. Luella giggles and nods, rolling back on her back and I stay next to her, our eyes connected.

"Only if you try weed."

I huff.

"Let's go night swimming." I try.

"Naked?"

"Luella." I groan and she laughs loudly.

"Remember Em I am the devil- you're the angel. Anything pure we do we have to do something to counteract it."

"So if I say let's go watch the sunrise?"

"I will say yeah, let's watch the sunrise after we've pulled an all nighter partying."

I shrug. "It doesn't sound bad."

Luella grins. "You wait Emersyn-"

"Why are we trying to corrupt her?" Trev asks then.

"Yeah I thought we liked her innocent?" Britney says, leaning back into Claire's arms and I just smile because they aren't aware of the conversation Luella and I have already had. About me helping her and her helping me.

We were trying to balance one another.

Luella wasn't as understanding or impressed with their interruption into our conversation.

"Mind your own fucking business. These are our plans not yours."

Trev raises his hands again in surrender and Britney just rolls her eyes at how Luella snapped at her.

I have been becoming quite accustomed to Luella changing moods. She's never ever snappy with me, like ever and I find that pretty funny, like she can be in the worst mood when she's talking to Trev or even August, but she always sends me a grin.

It's appreciated.

"Anyway Emersyn." Luella mumbles and looks back towards me. "You need to kiss a stranger."

I just shake my head. "Canny kiss a random-" I smile.

I have a boyfriend. Sorta. Goodness.

"Okay." Luella sighs heavily, jokingly bored of my current relationship status.

"What other things do you wanna do this summer?" She asks.

"I don't know." I smile, sitting up then and looking around.

It would be so fucking fun to just go up to one of these lads and kiss them. Just do something utterly carefree and fun and silly and a little reckless.

But I couldn't because my bloody boyfriend's brother is sat right there, and Rayne obviously wouldn't give a shit but he'd have to act like he did and I know a hundred percent if August saw me cheat on Rayne he wouldn't keep it to himself.

As much of an enigma August Parker is, he has morals.

"I think you should get a piercing." Luella says and there is general agreement around the group.

"Not face though." Luella says. "You have this innocent look, it would be way too sad to corrupt that."

"So you don't want me to look less innocent?"

"No." Luella laughs. "Nipples?"

My eyes practically exploded, and I sit up properly now.

"Okay stop."

Luella laughs and then she groans, her head tilting towards Trev's.

My eyes watch them as they sort of communicate secretly between themselves and so my eyes drift around the little group.

And then I realise that Claire, Brit and the other two boys were getting up.

"Where ya going?"

"Bored. we're going to go join the proper party. Play some stupid game or something. You in?"

"We'll join yous in a sec." Luella answers for me and my eyebrows raise, looking back to Trev and August who were quietly exchanging a few words.

Agust looked gone to be honest. Fucked. He had practically been chain smoking and I gathered it wasn't mainly tobacco in his roll ups.

The other four get up and leave and Luella turns to me. "I am bored. This party sucks. You wanna go?"

I shrug. "I sure- I haven't even really drank much." I hold up my glass which was still half full of my first drink.

"You wanna go back to the flat? T's mum's home and well that means we can't go there and well we were just thinking we could go back to theirs and carry on the party just us?"

My eyes lift to August's and his eyes are hardly even open.

"Plus August needs to sober up." Luella laughs and I watch as August just throws her a lopsided smile, amused but not really present.

"Sure." I say. Because why the fuck not?

We end up sneaking out of the party and I don't mention the fact we didn't tell the rest of the group, I was just happy to go along with whatever.

It was probably about half ten when we were in the car and heading out towards the city. Luella was driving, I realised this might be why she didn't touch anything at the party, so we could leave if it was a shit party.

The house was good, the atmosphere not even uncomfortable but like there just wasn't enough people for it to seem like a good ass party.

"Are you staying?" Trev asks Lue, his head poking between us as I sit shot gun.

"Nope."

"Luella." Trev mumbles, unimpressed and she just smiles, to herself, her face still facing away from him so he couldn't see.

"Well we might stay I suppose." Luella says looking at me. "But it won't be in your bed."

"How about mine?" August says, he was slowly becoming alive again and well high August is a messy version of him. August was always so in control of everything, like himself but even the environment outside him. He usually dominated the room with his frown. But high August was lighter, full of general amusement instead of the bitter type I usually saw.

I don't even think he's really acknowledged me. He just talks to us all and then chuckles to himself and goes back to being silent.

"No August I am not staying in your bed."

"Well darn Lue." He laughs, slumping back besides Trev who is just shaking his head at August in sort of amusement.

"I mean I can but me and Em come as a double act."

"Luella." I whisper unimpressed and Trev groans.

"You-"

"Not for you." She snaps at T and he just chuckles.

"I am not opposed." August laughs and when I turn around to him, he just raises an eyebrow at me questionably.

My eyes narrow.

"Not opposed huh?"

He smirks.

"Nope."

I crinkle my nose and August's smirk deepens. And Luella just falls quiet, her curiosity evident as she listens to us, Trev watching our little staring contest.

"Okay." I say. "Why not."

August's eyebrows raise.

"I mean, you wanna fuck me August? Sure."

He swallows. "Jesus Christ Emersyn Rose I was joking."

I smirk then. Trying not to think about the fact I don't know if he has ever said my name- like my double-barrelled name before. "Just joking?" I ask and Luella laughs then.

"Yes."