When I woke up I knew I made many many mistakes last night.

Tequila.

Vodka.

Gin.

Shot. Shot. Shot.

Gulp. Gulp. Gulp.

Emersyn Rose why?

Is the statement which was all I could think about when I pressed my face into my pillow harder. I was in pain. Well okay, I was being dramatic, but I've been hungover a total of three times in my life.

This was the worst.

"Stop groaning." Luella mumbles, her hand stretching out and she presses her hand down on my head as if I was a bloody alarm or something.

"Get off me." I mumble, batting her hand away and she just laughs quietly, and I finally open my eyes.

"Morning." She smiles, her eyes pretty bright, not at all as gross looking as I felt.

"Urgh."

Luella's smile widens and she rubs her eyes, smudging her makeup even more and I just huff a little, thinking about the possibility of sitting up and getting us something to drink.

"Did we wake my parents last night?" I say quietly and she shrugs.

"We didn't see them."

I sighed in relief.

"How'd we get home?"

Luella laughs then and I flinch away from the noise. "Sorry." She whispers in amusement.

"August brought us."

My eyebrows lift but then I nod, I remember asking him to take us home.

"Was he angry?" I ask, cringing and Luella shrugs.

"He was moody last night but I don't really remember the car ride home. But I know he just dropped us off like we were actually pretty quiet and chill getting in I think."

"Good." I smile. "Are you okay?" I ask and Luella's eyebrows pull together.

"Yeah why?"

I just wanted to ask.

"Um, I was just checking?" I sit up slowly. "I dunno. You want a shower or like water or I don't know..." I massage my temples as my brain feels as if it's pulsating, pressing against my skull in the rhythm of my heartbeat. "Painkillers?" I offer her.

Luella sits up too and nods. "Your phone's been going off."

"Oh." I say reaching for it. "You can shower first if you like? I will have water and painkillers ready for you."

She blinks at me.

"Nah it's fine." She starts to get out of bed. "I am sorry I asked to stay over. I was really drunk. I think I was mad at T."

I nod. "Yeah you were. I dunno why though." I smile. "And it's fine."

"I should probably go, like I um... thankyou for letting me stay last night."

I sit up in confusion. "It's fine. What's wrong why are you... stressing?" I ask and Luella just stands in the middle of my room and looks back at me in bed.

"I don't know whether you want me to stay or whether you're just being polite, and you actually think its really weird that I stayed and you want me to go."

"Huh?" I answer her. Confused. I- she can stay I don't even care. It's only nine in the morning.

"Like it's okay I will get out of your hair."

My eyebrows lift. "Luella shower. let me get you water, painkillers. Let's lie in bed or outside. Like I am happy for you to chill with me if you wanna hang out?"

She just stares at me.

"I still don't know if you're being polite." She whispers. "Emersyn it's okay to tell me to fuck off."

I wince at her language and I shake my head. "Do you want to go?" I ask.

She shakes her head slowly.

"Then for goodness sake, don't." I mumble, throwing her a confused look and she just sighs and flops back down on the bed.

"I don't have friends anymore. I don't know how to act." She says and lie back down, looking at her side profile as she stares at the ceiling.

"Huh? You have-"

"T is just a guy I go to for drugs." She mumbles and then winces. "No that's harsh I didn't mean that. I just-" She turns her head to meet my eyes and she shakes her head.

"You seem like I can talk to you but I'm worried that you just act nice but are actually a real bitch secretly."

My lips part at that, surprised. How the hell am I supposed to convince someone I am not a secret bitch?

"You can talk to me." I say. "I wanna know what you were going to say."

Luella turns on her side now, pulling the covers back over us and I close my eyes just almost dozing in the silence of her deliberating whether to talk to me or not.

"I am off the rails." Luella whispers and I reopen my eyes and she is just staring at me.

I think she needs to see my face, my facial reactions to whatever she's going to say. I think she's watching me closely to see whether or not she can trust me, whether I will judge her.

I just send a small smile. I don't think too much about relaxing my face, I don't stress about that because I know I don't judge people so she isn't going to see any sort of negative emotion on my face.

"My friends... like from school and first year uni... I don't talk to anymore. Nah, more like they don't talk to me. I used to be like- goodness the top of my class, I used to be at every social event, I used to run them, like boss people around and shit. I used to have so many fucking friends..."

"What happened?" I whisper and she turns then, back on her back and she looks at the ceiling.

"My boyfriend died."

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise and my heart literally feels like it drops for her.

"How?" I breathe.

She just shakes her head. "Greyson. Was his name. Fuck Emersyn I was so in love with him. I am. I still am."

I nod, slowly, trying not to feel her emotions literally on my skin. You can feel the way her heart is burning in pain and I just- I need to keep separated. Sometimes I feel too much.

She loved someone that much and they died. Her friends? What happened there?

"Your friends?"

She just lets out an annoyed sigh. "I just- Grey and Trev were friends." I nod and she turns her head to mine. "Like close friends, like fucking besties yanoe? They- T hurt just as much as I did when we lost Grey."

I nod in understanding. If Rayne died, a part of me would die too. A big part of me.

"So I started hanging out with T more. In that crowd more. Getting high more. Drinking more. And like now all I can do to deal with everything- like the fact my boyfriend left me, that my friends fucked off too, that my only friend is literally Trev and I am sure he only hangs out with me because I sometimes let him sleep with me and because he misses Greyson just as much as I do."

I take in a slightly staggered breath at her pain and I think of how I can reply to that, how she will understand that I care. That I am sorry. That I wish none of those things were her reality.

"If we were friends when you lost Greyson." I whisper. "I promise I wouldn't have left. You just clearly didn't have the right people surrounding you. Friends don't leave friends in times of need. Never."

"I was horrid to them." She explains. "They wanted me not to like deal with things with like partying."

I nod. "I get that. It must be hard to see you fall into that."

She turns. "It makes me feel better."

"Would you wanna find a better way of feeling better?" I ask genuinely curious.

"I go to therapy. That's why I was such a mess yesterday. We had a family therapy session. Um that's why I stayed out instead of going home as well. Like- my mum and me." She just shakes her head and I nod.

"Therapy doesn't make you feel better though? Does it?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "No it's fucking horrid."

I frown but nod. "Do you think you're dependant on like the substances you use?" I whisper and she just frowns and looks at me.

"If I said yeah, would you kick me out?"

My eyes widen. "Luella I am not going to kick you out."

She sighs and looks back at the ceiling. "I am not addicted like- to them. I can go without. Just- I think I might be addicted to the numb feeling they give me yanoe? Like I just wanna drink or smoke or take whatever tablets like all the time."

"You do?" I ask and she nods.

"I just want him all the time. I miss him so much it hurts and then the drugs and stuff numb it."

"Luella. I am so god damn sorry that you are hurting so much."

Her head falls to look at me then and she just blinks in confusion. "But anyway." She breathes. "That's why I am confused as to what you want."

I frown at her. "I don't want anything?"

She just looks at me.

"You look sick." She says and I just turn my soft look into a small hard glare.

"Well Luella I am very hungover."

Lue laughs and rubs her face in frustration. "Sorry like hangovers and come downs always put me in this mood where I talk too fucking much."

I frown. "I don't mind you sharing this. I- I wanna be friends."

"Well I don't think I'm supposed to share my life fucking tragedies with someone I just met."

I shrug. "I dunno, I think we have been through a lot together in the past 24 hours."

She smiles at that. "So anyway this is what I mean when I said I dunno how to act. Like why did you even let me stay here?"

"Um because I thought we got on? I don't know. I think I need a friend just as much as you do."

"I don't need anyone." She says immediately and I just shrug.

"I think I need a few people if I am being honest. Like I would love to say I don't. But I do. I need my mum. I always have. I need my dad, he guides me so well. I need Rayne. I need these people because without them I would be lost. Without them the world wouldn't be as bright as it is. I mean I would still be able to see but I wouldn't be as clear yanoe?"

Luella nods.

"I know you don't need me. I don't technically need you." I smile. "I just think it might be cool to have another friend. Like we have this whole summer."

"Yeah and you need to get laid." She says and I splutter at that, laughing in a sort of shocked embarrassment.

"I- I was talking about our friendship." I laugh and she grins.

"I was thinking about how being friends with someone like you might actually be really fucking positive. I was thinking about what my therapist would say, what my mum would say if I told her I met someone who is like an actual nice person. And then I thought I shouldn't just use you for your good influence." Luella says and she turns to me, suddenly excited.

"Oh god." I whisper.

"Like I think you need a bad influence just as much as I need a good one."

My eyebrows raise but then a small smile grows on my face and when she zeroes in on it she grins.

It sorta sounds fun. Like living.

"So I show you how I find happiness in like the little things-without like drinking and shit. And you what?" I say.

"I corrupt you."

"Luella." I laugh and then we both startle when my bedroom door swings opens revealing Rayne.

A very tired looking Rainie.

Luella immediately darts under the covers and I laugh loudly at that being her immediate response.

"Rayne?" I say, sitting up and he just stares a little confused.

Ha.

He actually looks really fucking confused.

"I text you- I just thought you'd be still asleep." He says, standing at the doorway and then he stares at the lump under the covers.

"Who...?"

Luella, slowly lifts her head out and I snigger when she narrows her eyes at him.

"You are Rayne."

He nods.

"You are a dick."

"Luella!" I exclaim, hushing her and turning my eyes apologetically to Rayne's when she just stares impressed with herself.

She looks at me. "Can I shower now?"

"Now that you don't think I am just being polite?" I say and she gives me a small grin.

"Yes go." I laugh.

Luella gets up and so do I, grabbing a jumper which I am pretty sure is his and throwing it over my head.

"Your mum's in the garden." Rayne says. "We cant talk-"

"Let's just go to the kitchen." I mumble and turn to Luella.

"Shower's literally easy. Just press start. And um, you can change into whatever you like." I smile.

She nods and heads into the bathroom.

"Rayne you shouldn't just turn up." I mumble.

"Who is she?"

"Luella." I say, shrugging.

"I don't- you don't know anyone called Luella. I would have met her." He says and I just shrug, I want a hug, honestly, I want a hug from my best friend but instead I was awkwardly holding myself as we walked down the stairs.

"Did mum say anything to you?" I say and he shakes his head.

"No but... she knows you have someone in your room. Like she was well iffy about letting me in. I was like Aunty Novaaa." He chuckles and I just frown at that, thinking whether she'd be mad at the fact I didn't tell her.

I wonder.

"Em who is Luella then?" Rayne says.

"Just- I met her yesterday."

He blinks at me. "You invited someone you met yesterday to stay in your bed." He whispers and I nod.

"She's- your brother knows her." I offer but inside I am wincing slightly because I understand it's a little, I don't know, unusual.

I think.

I dunno.

"Emmy that doesn't comfort me. My brother isnt- you shouldn't be hanging around with his mates, people."

"They were nice." I whisper, walking into my kitchen and looking around for my mum.

We have like massive glass doors that run along one side of the kitchen, so I see her in the garden and I smile when she has a huge grin on her face. She's on the phone, just sat at our garden table, a sketchbook on her lap. I wonder who she is talking to.

"Emersyn you could have put yourself in danger. Did August invite you? Like how the fuck did you end up with August he doesn't even like-"

"Okay." I say. Knowing Rayne was gonna mention how August can't usually stand me.

"Luella is the new girl at work I told you about. I complained about you to Luella and she invited me to a party to get my mind off shit. Okay? Happy? Luella is friends with Trev. Trev is August's roommate." I summaries. "I had a good night, that's all that matters right?"

He shakes his head. "You could have put yourself in danger. Fuck Em, I know those people. You aren't safe there."

I just walk around to the sink and get Luella and I some water, then search for the painkillers as I huff in annoyance at Rayne.

"You have no right. You were the one that upset me Rayne."

"And so that results in you doing something reckless Emersyn? I- I am so sorry for the fact I abandoned you yesterday. Like for real I actually am. I know it was out of order. But... this isn't like you."

I narrow my eyes. "What's not like me?"

"The recklessness. The partying. The inviting strangers around to sleep in your bed."

"Why not?" I say honestly. "I- I liked last night Rayne. I don't mean because I got drunk. I liked seeing new people, I liked that they were so... unserious but also not. I liked that they looked at me as-"

"Fresh meat? Because that is all you are to them Emersyn."

"Rayne." I snap. "No the only person looking at me as something they can use is you."

He looks as if he has been slapped and I just glare at him over the counter. I was stood by the sink, preparing stuff to make me feel better and he just- he cant say shit like that and expect me to be like 'yeah Rayne you are right'.

"Em-"

"No. You told your brother you were seeing me before we were 'seeing' each other. Meaning whilst I was in Italy you were thinking about how I could cover for you. You never even asked. You just made the story up and figured out a way to get me to agree. You could have asked but instead what you did was you kissed me, made me feel so fucking concerned for you and then I agreed to be your fake girlfriend because at the time I thought it was something we had come up with together to keep you feeling less alone in the world. To keep you safe. To give you time."

His eyes are big, wide.

"Em-"

"No Rayne. I will still do this. I love you. But don't judge me. Not when I am literally doing everything I can to be there for you and you just- you are the only one who is hurting me in this whole scenario. I missed you last night. I wanted you. I wanted us to have a friend night, you know? like how we haven't since I've been back? But instead you chose your... you chose someone else over me."

"Well it's not just us anymore." Rayne says softly. "There are other people now."

I smile at that, a small, sad smile. "Does that mean that we aren't as close?" I ask genuinely. "Does that mean that I have lost you? You are my 'boyfriend'." I laugh. "And somehow I feel further away from you than ever?"

"I am sorry." He says and I nod.

"So am I. I don't wanna lose you."

"You won't." He says. "I don't wanna- it's you and me Em, it always has been."

"Then why did you seem to forget that last night?"

"Because I just- I was being a dick. I was taking you for granted." Rayne says nodding. "You are more important than this guy I am sorry I keep forgetting that."

"Do you actually believe I am though?" I ask. "I know we are just friends, always, like you're my family." I say quietly. "But I would put you above anyone I was interested in."

"I just- you were gone Emersyn. I guess I just got used to being free to do whatever-"

I sighed, crossing my arms over myself. "I don't want you to feel obliged to spend time with me."

"Shit I don't. I didn't mean like that. I am sorry my head is all over the place. I swear Emmy I don't wanna lose you as my best friend."

"If I said I didn't wanna do this. If I said that this is it. Enough. Would you be mad at me?" I say quietly.

I am not going to say that. But his answer is really important. Because if he would be mad I know he values our friendship as secondary. He wouldn't put us first.

"Would I be mad if you broke up with me?" Rayne says quietly and I nod.

"No." He swears. "No. I promise. I know I have been an asshole... but I couldn't lose you and myself in the same freaking year."

"You haven't lost yourself." I whisper back at him confused and he just laughs, a little brokenly and I watch as Rayne tries to keep eye contact but instead, he slowly lowers his eyes to the counter in front of him.

"I have." He mumbles. "I don't mean the whole sexuality thing. I- it's like in the revelation I sudden understand so much more about myself but then sudden the fear crept in and that fear is making me do and act in ways that I don't wanna be acting. I don't want to keep letting you down, I don't wanna hurt you, I don't wanna be in these moods but I am."

I nod, listening to him and deciding that we had a lot of freaking work to do.

"Rayne I love you." I say and he just looks at me now. "We can stay freaking coupled up for as long as you need. But I am telling you that this isn't going to work. That this isn't how you come to terms with who you are."

"I don't know how to do that Em." He says honestly and I think about it.

"What about asking for actual help?" I ask.

His eyebrows lift and then he shakes his head.

"I don't wanna burden Ivy and Jackson with anymore-"

I blink, I don't think I've ever heard Rayne call Ivy and Jackson by their names. It was strange, awkward even. It so didn't fit.

"What do you mean?" I ask.