What has happened to my life, and most importantly, what have I done to deserve it?

I've never been a goody two-shoes but neither have I been a troublemaker and look where it have gotten me.

I'm stuck in a hellhole worse than school and if that isn't bad, I don't know what is.

I hate it here, because here, I'm cut off from the most important thing in my whole life.

Freedom.

Life without it doesn't even deserve to be called living, it's surviving. I need my freedom, I need to be able to be who I want to be and do what I want to do. If you always do as other people tells you to, they are going to expect more and more of you until you reach the limit where you are no longer yourself, but a shell formed by the people around you.

I can't stand being told what to do all the time and thrown from one to another like some kind of a ball or toy.

I'm a human, with a heart and feeling, but something tells me that everyone haven't gotten it into their small brains yet.

I'm wearing invisible chains which I have to get out of, and that fast.

I've had one breakdown and I can't risk another one. I don't know how strong I am. I don't know how much I can take before I finally break down completely - until I lose the bet I'm desperately trying to win.

To be honest, I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Sure, Nick says he likes me but we all know how well that's going, and all I'm doing on the days is either nothing or something pointless as climbing or watching the guys play video games.

I don't belong here. I never have and I never will, but Nick is too damn selfish to let me go and I'm too entangled in this mess to get out with ease.

If I get out, I can almost swear on that Nick will hurt Patricia, which means that I have to take her with me, but in order to do that, I need to find a way out first.

But I can't just ditch the other girls, and therefore, I have to go to the police the first thing I do if I ever get out of here, but the police station is also one of the first places where they will look, but honestly, I think they would look anywhere and nowhere in order to find me if I managed to escape. At least Nick would, I think.

I can always hope that it isn't right, that I'm just a silly girl in his eyes, but something tells me that I'm not that lucky.

Ugh, I know it's a terrible sign when someone, in this case Nick, makes Shane, my ex, look like an angel in comparison.

I don't like to think about my past, I prefer standing strong and moving.

The past is in the past, you can't change what has happened or what you've done, but you can change yourself.

Sometimes, you even change without knowing or wanting it.

Like now.

I'm not the same person as before.

I don't act like I did a few days ago before my life turned upside down.

I don't say what I would've said a few days ago.

I don't even think as I would have a few days ago, because if I would, I wouldn't be thinking about Shane right now.

I wouldn't be thinking this much at all, but now it seems like it's the only thing that I'm allowed to do, or at least I won't get caught because of it.

My mind is the only thing that Nick can't control, but truth to be told, not even I can control it at all times.

Currently, my mind is my getaway, a place where I do have freedom and a place where I can hide from reality for a moment, try to forget about everything.

Some people say that they escape reality for a moment by dive into their thoughts or listen to music, but I don't.

I can't escape reality, it will always be there no matter how much I try to get away from it, but I can hide from it, and hiding is exactly what I'm doing.

That is just another proof of how I've changed.

Before, I did say that I escaped reality as I showered and washed away all my worries for a moment but being here has learned me that it's impossible to do so.

Every time I dived into the shower, I didn't escape reality, I hid from it.

I found some comfort in the warmth and shielding it gave from reality.

Now, I find some comfort in zooming out of what' real, even though it might mean thinking about my past.

Nick left me in his room again hours ago as I totally refused to eat and he hasn't been back since. It's been hours now, hours where I've tried to think lovely thoughts, but my mind is now empty of happy memories, because I only got a limited amount if it, and now I got the bad left to think through.

I actually find it quite amusing how I think about Shane now with though about that my last words to him were 'I don't ever want to see or hear from you again'.

Harsh words? Yeah, I know, but trust me, he deserved it.

I guess that if you think it all through, the last years of my life, you'll realize that if it wasn't for Shane, I wouldn't be here now.

If it wasn't for Shane, I wouldn't be in this stupid town and I wouldn't be kidnapped by those stupid psychopath maniacs.

But, if it wouldn't be for Shane, I wouldn't have met my best friend Lindsey, or Patricia and all my other friend for that matter and that's the reason to why I would prefer to be with him over Nick.

Yes, Shane did mess up my life, he made a big mistake and he wasn't the only one who had to suffer the consequences for it, but he wasn't far as bad as Nick.

Shane was actually really sweet at first, the perfect boyfriend, but then everything kinda derailed and everything changed.

He changed, and not for the better.

I still really can't believe that he-

"Boo!"

I jump at the sudden sound coming from close to my ear and hear a dark, sadly familiar, chuckle behind me.

Nick.

"Whatcha doing?" he asks casually, "because it gotta be something really interesting for you to not hear me get in."

I can feel my cheeks turn a light shade of red and I feel stupid for not hearing him. I mean, how could I miss it?

I guess I really did snap out of reality for a while.

"Still giving me the silent treatment, huh?" Nick cocks an eyebrow at me but I don't meet his gaze, a clear answer to his question.

He sighs loudly.

"Patricia is okay, thought you would want to know that, and you are coming with my upstairs to eat. You really do not have any idea of how angry some of the guys are at you right now, Peter's busted because if you and I suggest you do as I tell you if you don't have a death wish."

My head snaps up as he mention Peter's name and I meet his dark eyes with a questioning look on my face, still not wanting to talk.

"Remember the secret Patricia told you? Well, it's all thanks to you that your other little friend tattled to the police."

A small smile crack onto my lips, I can't hold it back.

Lindsey told the police before someone had time to hush her, which I thought someone would as Nick figured out Patricia's and I's secret, but Lindsey made it to the police before someone made it to her.

Nick takes a rough hold onto my arm as he sees my smile, and he shakes me harshly.

"It's nothing to be glad for. You made everyone angry, you've caused us big trouble, and you're only making it worse for yourself."

I bite myself on my bottom lip as the smile slowly vanishes from my face.

"Good", Nick mutters as he sees my now sad countenance, "now let's go upstairs and eat, it's already late afternoon because we had to take care of the problem you caused "

It feels like a stone drop in my stomach at his words, and my heart speed increases almost immediately.

"What do you mean with 'take care of the problem'?" I ask, breaking my silent treatment.

I can feel my fingertips tingling and my breathing becoming uneven. The panic rising inside of me, bubbling up to the surface as I wait for an answer.

"That", Nick says, "is left for you to find out."