Andrea grips her small cute little hands around my index finger.

"She's so cute and perfect." I commented gluing my eyes on her wrinkly face.

It's just been two days since my cousin went out from the operating room. And baby Andrea has to undergone incubation because she is just eight months pre-mature baby but the doctor says that she's healthier than a nine months old baby so they let her out a bit for breastfeeding. We even suspected that Tori's OB has mistaken about Tori's schedule though.

As we wait for the nurse to get Andrea back I savored the moment of admiring the little one.

Tori smiled. "I know."

The doctor advised Tori to stay at the hospital until tomorrow to check on her and on the baby, so I have been taking good care of her ever since. Anders left for Toronto yesterday due to games but he'll be home two days from now.

I was around Mat the whole time while Tori was on operation, but obviously we didn't talk that much right after our mind wrecking heart-to heart talk. Everything was so awkward between us. I miss him so bad, but I thank God that Tori gave birth and that I finally have baby Andrea to distract me just so I can stop myself from thinking about him and cry about it.

When the nurse finally came in to take Andrea, I started to hustle inside the hospital room and prepared the food I bought for Tori.

"How are you Jade?" She asked as she slowly adjusts on her seat.

"Still breathing." I replied as I help her adjust.

I can't say that I'm good because I know Tori can always look through me and I know that I don't look good either. I've been carrying huge eye bags eversince the break up and I can't fucking hide it under layers of foundations and powders and concealers. I mean, I don't even barely use those things.

"Why can't you two just address the elephant in the room and fix your relationship?" She said in frustration. "You two are miserable. Clearly you still love each other so why suffer?"

I looked at her sighing.

"Mat has been hiding on his room playing video games and whatever after you two separated. Anders and I became so worried and seeing you right now looking so horrible is just a sign that two badly want each other back." She added. "You guys should fix it."

I decided to sat on the edge of the bed, on the verge of crying again but I controlled myself and blinked the forming tears away.

"I want to fix us too." I weakly said.

"Then do it."

"But I can't."

"And why is that?"

I sighed again and looked up to her.

"Because I realized that I was the one who needs to be fixed first."

Right after we talked in the hospital hallway, I love Mat more than I could ever imagine. But I don't deserve him, it'll just be mean to him if I let him into my life again without me fixing my own self.

Barzal is a good guy, I believed him when he said that he didn't cheated on me. He loves me, and it just sad that someone loves me but I hate myself.

I have so many insecurities and that grew even more when I met Mat. Indeed, Mat made me feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world but that wasn't enough to convince myself that I am.

I don't want to be unfair and see him constantly dealing with how insecure I am. I'm afraid that there might come a time where I am already choking and pushing him away because of my insecurities.

I need fixing. And this time, I want to fix myself all on my own and not through the help of a man or of Barzy. And besides, I think he's already letting me go.

-

I knew I would be a basket case for the rest of the year, it's been a month now since Mat and I are officially over. I haven't seen or spoken to him in such a long time now. It's been a month but it feels like years.

He moved out at Tori and Anders' place a week after Tori gave birth. According to Anders, Mat doesn't want to disturb them already because they have a baby now. But I definitely know why.

He doesn't want to see me anymore or be on a place where he knows that I'll be there. I miss him so much but this is one of the side effects of break ups.

I think I am fine now unlike before. I'm still healing--yes, and currently fixing myself.

I have been spending a lot of time at their place to visit and take care of my cousin and Andrea because Anders have been spending his whole time being on the road.

The Islanders are way too close to get a spot on the semi-finals now and that is why he is constantly already on the road and away for weeks.

I sat on the edge of Tori's bed laying next to Andrea. Her blue eyes is wondering everywhere, curious enough to know what's happening around her or something. I took my phone and took a selfie with her.

Tori emerged from the bathroom and carried Andrea to feed her. Observing how my cousin easily carry the baby on her lap to feed her I couldn't help but take a photo of it.

"Hey stop! I look like a mess." Tori scolded but I already took a pic anyway. I don't know, I am just way too fascinated seeing woman gave birth and hold a baby on their arms feeding them.

I snickered.

I still remember before, Tori keep on saying that she's never getting married and that dating Anders was just a temporary bliss because she can't be with him since she can't handle the fact about Anders being away from home all the time due to games but guess what, she married him and now they already have a baby.

"What?" Tori looks up.

"This must be so hard for you." I commented as I reach my hand to let Andrea grip on my index finger again. I like it when she does that.

"About? Being a mama?"

"About Anders constantly away while you guys already have a baby and yeah... that too." I answered.

She laughed as she looks on her daughter with an awe. "Yeah, I thought so too."

We both stared on Andrea for like a minute right before Tori talks again.

"I was anxious that once I'll marry Anders, I won't be able to handle the fact that he's away all the time-- and that's because I am so insecure with myself that I ended up not trusting him. No one knows about this but I have rejected his marriage proposals a lot of times before." She snickers.

"What?" I said completely shocked.

"Shhhhh, the baby is sleeping."

"How come you didn't told me about this?"

"Because I was so afraid that you guys will be disappointed. Especially Dad, he likes Anders so much." She replied. "But through those rejections, it made me realize that Anders loves me and that he'll be a great husband and a father to my kids because he never gave up on me, after how many times I refused to marry him."

That's just wonderful. I wonder how it feels like to have a man like that.

"What made you change your mind?"

"Because I love him. And I took the risk." She answered placing the baby on the crib next to the bed, Andrea is sleeping calmly now. "I brushed away all my insecurities. Trusted him and the situation, and it turns out to be the happiest moment of my life."

I sighed. Must be so nice, to be courageous enough in conquering all your insecurities and trust the circumstances whatever it may be.

"Sometimes no matter how uncertain the situation is, you just have to take risk." She supplied. "You can't find real happiness if you let yourself get devoured by your own thoughts and insecurities."

Right.

I thought ending my relationship with Barzal will make me happy, or that I will be able to conquer all my insecurities but now I even wonder if I did really have been fighting through it.

Without Mat I felt less, as I look back I realized that when I was with him I was full. He makes me feel like I am a queen but now that he's gone, I felt nothing.

I guess Tori was right, sometimes, maybe it is better to take some risk.