I guess this is it

♡

• • •

".... So you see Eyla. It was all your mothers fault, with that damn smile of hers"

I spoke softly. My voice echoing across the silent graveyard. Reaching upwards, my fingers lightly brushed across the headstone and the outline of the name.

Eyla Aydin

I could feel my stomach turn seeing the white stone stare in front of me. The knowledge of my daughter, now resting in this place, right before me had my body weakening yet I held myself, feeling a smile on my face.

Placing the bouquet of orchids on top of Eyla's grave. I slowly stood up, running a hand past the headstone again. Feeling tears daring to spill.

Five years. Eyla would have been five years old if she was here. She would have been getting ready to go to school, but knowing her mother. She would have already learnt most of the work children are taught her age, or even beyond.

I come to see Eyla every Friday. You see, it's almost like a fixed appointment. I come to see my angel and sit with her for the longest of times before making my way back home.

Yet home, doesn't exactly feel like home. Even with the new arrivals in the family, I often find myself more alone than ever. It's almost as if the world around me has disappeared in to the shadows and I'm the only one trying to make it back.

Shaking the thought away, I felt my gaze flickering towards Hamza's grave feeling a mixture of pain and happiness rush through me.

" Look after her for me, will you" I murmured glancing at the graves one last time before turning around and make my way towards the exit.

Each step I took, had my heart beat picking up and my palms getting sweaty, and for some unknown reason there was this overwhelming feeling of helplessness consuming me.

What is wrong with me?

I murmured inwardly, walking past the gates to the graveyard. I felt my gaze flaunting around till they landed on the all too familiar pair of eyes, that belonged to my brother.

" You coming brother?" Murat asked leaning against the hood of his car making me nod and walk towards him. I knew from the moment we came here, that the man was hesitating to go inside, and I too, didn't press for him to go. I knew his reasons all too well.

" You know Murat, you should go in. Speak to him" I spoke opening the car door seeing my brothers face turn emotionless as he sat at the front, and started the engine of the car.

" You know I can't"

Murat answered quickly making me nod slightly, but nonetheless not fully pleased with his response.

" He's your brother. It's not-"

" Moustafa, I married my brothers widow. A woman he fucking loved. How can I-I face him?" He spoke sadly making me inhale sharply and lean back against the seat.

" Before Elif, he was your brother Murat. It's okay I get it. It takes time" I murmured and somehow, it felt as though I was whispering those words to reassure myself, more than Murat.

" It's been five years Moustafa. Elif she- she is a perfect wife but she only sees it as her duty from god to do everything I say. I don't know and now she's pregnant-"

He started as he ran a hand through his hair and groaned a little, making me glance towards him. Seeing pain flash across his eyes.

" I know she wasn't ready for this child. I didn't even force her to have my child, but someone's been feeding her mind shit. She won't fucking talk to me, like normal, like you and Farya"

Murat stressed, his strained voice reaching my ears making me tense. I could feel my throat tightening, as if barbed wires were tied against it. Making it hard for me to breath.

Farya! My Farya

" Heck, anyone with two eyes can see how much you love her and she has the same look-" Murat spoke as I felt his eyes on me. I found myself fisting my hand, trying to keep calm as I felt my brother's eyes land on me, and a look of realisation dawned on him.

" Shit, I'm sorry brother. I didn't mean it like that"

" It's fine"

I spoke, yet even I knew it wasn't fine. In taking a sharp breath, I could see Murat drive down the familiar trees and through the hill leading towards the house.

The familiar black gates came in to view, as Murat dialled through the pad and the gates opened slowly. The sudden patting on the steering wheel had my eyes flickering towards Murat, seeing a irritated look on his face.

" You need to take it easy Murat. Elif is like my sister, and I know how she is. Even if it's been five years since you married, it's hard for someone to move on. To hide away their pain"

I murmured, the last part coming out barely as a whisper seeing Murat nod his head, but a look of uncertainty flashed across his face.

" It takes time. You'll be okay" I spoke seeing Murat look towards me before he nodded. A look of appreciation flashing in his eyes.

" Have you talked to her? Farya?"

Murat started making me sigh softly before reaching towards the car door. Opening I found myself stepping in to the cool air, seeing the front door ajar a little.

How funny it is, the place I called home has now turned in to the last place I want to visit.

The wooden doors before me felt like the doors to hell. Swallowing sharply I found myself walking inside the double doors hearing low chattering and talking in the front room.

" Moustafa is that you?"

A voice came making me look around, my eyes landing on Elder Ali sitting on the maroon sofa. His smile lighting up the room around him.

" Elder Ali" I greeted slipping my shoes off, I found myself walking inside the room and greeting my uncle.

Reaching towards his hand, I kissed it in respect before taking a seat next to the man. Hearing him clear his throat lightly.

" Son, how have you been?" Elder Ali asked and I knew where this was going, making me sigh inwardly

" I've been as good as god has allowed me to be" I spoke curtly seeing the man nod. The sound of feet patterning had my gaze flashing upwards and for a brief second I could feel my breath being caught in my throat at the sight before me.

There she was. My obsession, my downfall, My Farya standing infront of me; with a tray in her hands holding two cups of tea. A bright smile was on her face, making her eyes light up.

I could feel my gaze flicker from her face and downwards at her body landing on her swollen stomach.

The world stilled in that moment as Farya smiled at me. Her long brown hair crowning her face as she took a step a forward.

" Moustafa I bought you some tea"

Her voice came, yet the words felt unfamiliar as I looked at my wife seeing her features change. Blinking my eyes, I glanced upwards again to see Elif standing where Farya once stood.

My insides turned, and it was almost as if my heart had been squeezed tightly; causing my chest to whither in pain.

Farya isn't here

" Thank you" I spoke taking the small glass off her seeing Elif smile before she walked out of the room, leaving me with Elder Ali.

" Moustafa, family ties are such that you can neither escape them or ignore them. One minute everything is all well, and the next. Everything is falling apart"

He started making me nod, my gaze suddenly flickered from Elder Ali and towards my mother walking inside the room, her eyes landing on me and a hopeful look flashing across her face.

" I will not bad mouth my own father, but if he had raised Habib right, maybe Faryal would have been here. If he had taken care of Ferhat's mother after my mother died maybe-"

" Ferhat wouldn't have killed Hamza"

I spoke coldly, my eyes flickering towards my mother seeing her flinch as she sat opposite me and Elder Ali.

" He got what was coming for him. He died like the filth he was"

My mothers voice came making me lean back and take a sip from my tea. My gaze landing on the woman before me, seeing her hold her hands together. A sign of nervousness.

" If Faryal hadn't died, her brother Sohail wouldn't have taken revenge on his own nephew and killed Fatih's son" Elder Ali continued, as he put his hand on his legs and looked ahead staring at the fire, lit in the fireplace. The flames of the wood flickering through them.

" Families can be a blessing and they can also be a curse" Elder Ali spoke softly as he sighed and reached towards his tea and took a sip.

" Ferhat was pure evil, but he wasn't born evil"

" He killed my son Elder Ali. Why are you justifying his actions"

My mother spoke making Elder Ali look at her and shake his head in disappointment.

" Funny isn't it mother. You blamed my wife for Hamza's death. You cast her out for a crime she didn't commit and top of that-"

I started placing the glass down as I stared at my mother, seeing her eyes turn glossy and her face pale.

" You cursed at our child. You were ready to kill our child for the name of honour, and yet housed Ferhat and allowed him to dine at our table" I spat hateful, seeing her flinch as she looked down. Tears rushing down her face.

" Son I was wrong-"

She started making me raise my hand halfway seeing her words die away, as she looked towards Elder Ali helplessly.

" You were cruel to my wife. A woman I loved. You knew who she was before any one of us did" I spoke my words coming out harsh seeing her rock back a little as she wiped her tears away.

" The way I see it, you were as bad as Ferhat" I spoke seeing her eyes widen as she looked at me in shock.

" Y-You're saying that I should be shot in the head like Ferhat. Is that what you're saying?"

" No mother, I'm not saying that. All I'm saying is, you're right. Some actions aren't to be justified"

I spoke feeling Elder Ali's hand reach towards mine, as if to calm me down. Closing my eyes, I took a sharp breath before opening my eyes again.

" I'm going away for a while. I wanted to tell you all so you know where I am, if anything happens"

I spoke standing up all of a sudden, seeing both Elder Ali and my mother's eyes land on me. A mixture of understanding and confusion pass between the two.

Not looking at the two, I found myself walking out of the room and in to the open kitchen, seeing Elif sitting down with Mirya whilst doing a little puzzle on the table.

" Moustafa, have you spoken to her. Is she okay, is Ka-"

Elif spoke her words dying, making me look upwards feeling my gaze land on Murat, walking inside the kitchen.

" She is good"

I murmured smiling at the woman who in return nodded her head, and focused on the puzzle piece Mirya was holding in front of her. Glancing towards my brother, I gave him a reassuring smile seeing the man nod.

It didn't take me long to reach my room. Our room. Yet the moment I stepped inside I felt a sense of loneliness hit me. Glancing around, everything was as she left it, of course cleaned and tidied away but the bed remained against the wall, with the bathroom to the left.

On the right hand side the large window overlooked the forest of trees and hills; that seemed to go on forever and further. Next to the window remained my desk. The wardrobe was as it had been all these years yet something felt amiss.

She isn't here

I swallowed sharply and made my way towards where the desk was. Pulling my laptop open, I found myself pulling up my email, seeing the number one strike at the top of the mailbox.

I had an email. Intaking a sharp breath I clicked on the mailbox icon seeing a page populate through. I felt my nerves kicking in as I read the email, and re-read it again, feeling my stomach turn.

My dearest Moustafa,

Today would have been Eyla's fifth birthday. Our little girl would have been getting ready for school, with her little bag and her uniform.

I often times think what life would have been like if our Eyla was here with us. Would we have all stayed at Ovacik or would we have bought a new home. All these thoughts keep me awake and as I now sit at the beach seeing the waves crash and the distant seagulls cry. I often think of us, of me and you.

I miss you, but you already know that. I wish I was brave enough to be there again. To stand beside you and face the world- but then I'm scared. Scared that someone could take you away as they did with Eyla.

You'll be happy to know that I finished my Masters. And the painting exhibition I was telling you about got pulled through, but I feel as though my teacher, Professor Rachid had a hand or two. I wish you could see it.

I miss you Moustafa.

Yours,

Farya Aydin

Closing my eyes tightly I felt warm tears sting my eyes. Pressing my hands to my face, images of Farya flashed before me. Of her smiling face and her sparkling eyes. Of her cute dimples and her long brown hair.

Fuck, baby I miss you too.

I murmured inwardly hearing the door knock. Clearing my throat, I closed the laptop before wiping my face.

" Come in"

I spoke hearing the door open. Looking upwards I could feel my eyes widen seeing my mother look at me nervously before she walked inside the room.

Sitting upwards in my chair, the older woman cleared her throat before sitting on the edge of the bed. Her frail eyes flashing towards me.

" Moustafa, my son. My firstborn, I know I have made many mistakes in my life. I've acted cruel and rational with no intention of how others will feel-"

My mother spoke making me look towards the woman, feeling my mouth open as I spoke just to see her raise her hand to stop me.

" Mother if you're here to apologise-"

" Let me finish son"

She started making me inhale sharply and nod, seeing her give me a half smile as she looked around the room. Her eyes finally landing on the picture next to my laptop. Of me and Farya.

" As I say, I have caused many pain upon others and I don't want to leave this world knowing others are hurt by my action. You see son, your Farya is much like her grandmother. She is kind, soft and has a generous heart.

You can say I was jealous of Faryal. Your father was clearly in love with her, although he didn't act on his feelings. I knew she was the centre of his heart and when you married Farya. I felt jealous at the fact that you've been taken away from me as well, just like your father"

My mother spoke as she glanced down at her hands and towards the gold ring she had on her finger.

" I was spiteful. I caused Farya much pain and if your father was here. He would have- well. Lets say he wouldn't have allowed me in the house. He would have been fond of her, not just because she was Faryal's granddaughter, but because Farya is a sweet girl. Which is why my son-"

She started as she took a sharp breath and looked towards me. Her eyes glistening with tears as she smiled, a full blown smile that left me speechless.

" I want to see you and Farya get married. An official wedding. To have everyone in the village know that Tayyib oldest son is now married. I want to be able to meet your fathers eyes when I die. I want to tell him I've made you happy and you're married to the woman you love"

She spoke as she held her hands together and looked towards me. A smile playing across her lips. My eyes had now widen in surprise as I stared at my mother. Unable to believe what was happening.

" W-What? Mother, Farya isn't even in the country"

" Son, that's what you think. Now I want you to sleep we need to get up bright and early. We have to see your bride" My mother spoke as she stood up. I could feel my eyes trail the woman as she walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Leaving me speechless.

What just happened.

I thought surprised but let the idea pass through my head, as I walked towards my bed and laid down. Feeling sleep consume me.

The next time I opened my eyes, I was greeted to the sight of emerald green staring down at me and a huge grin on it's owners face.

" Rise and shine Moustafa. You're getting married"

" Stop looking at me like a pervert Kenan, and I'm already married"

I spoke turning around feeling the man reach forward, as he pulled the blanket off me making me groan.

" You need to get up. Listen Aunt Esma is scary when she wants to be. We're leaving in ten and your ogre self is wearing this suit"

Kenan spoke as the next thing I know, he had pulled the blanket off me making me growl and glare towards the man.

" Get up now. We're going" He spoke as the next thing I know, I had Kenan throw me one of my designers suits, causing it to the land on the floor.

" Watch it Kenan! That's worth way more than you" I gritted through my teeth seeing the man shrug his shoulders nonchalantly, before he strolled out of the bathroom and flipped me his middle finger.

What a dic-

Not bothering to complete the sentence I found myself getting out of the bed and walking towards the bathroom. It didn't take me long to bathe, then again I had taken a shower yesterday. By the time I got dressed and walked out of the room, it was less than an hour.

Each step I took I felt my heart beat wilder and wilder, almost as if it was about to jump out of my chest. Inhaling sharply I felt my eyes close momentarily, trying to process my thoughts.

What the hell is my family thinking? I thought inwardly as I walked down the stairs just to be given the shock of my life.