• • •

Love

What was love? Was it to open your heart and offer it. Or was love to be selfish and hide it away. Was love jealousy or was love the opposite, was it hate?

What truly was love?

That was a question that still haunted me till this day. What was it to love and to be loved. They say the purest form of love could save you from anything. It was to have your soul entwined with another, and have your heartbeat as one.

These had been the claims by drunken poets years back. Yet, as I now stood in an empty courtyard, with nothing but the sun above me and the land below. I wondered if I had truly ever loved in life, to end up in a place like this. All alone, on my own.

There was despair clawing at the pit of my stomach. Each angle I turned to was unfamiliar, nothing made sense anymore. Walking further up the never ending courtyard, the blazing sun pounded on me making me swallow sharply. My body turning weak.

Running a hand past my face, I glanced around the stone walls that circulated across the large courtyard. Almost as if to find a way out of here. To be set free.

" Are you lost Farya?"

A voice spoke behind me. I could feel the world around me freeze for a few moments. All that ever was and all that ever will be stilled. A cold shiver ran down my spine and I slowly found myself turning around. My heart dropping to my stomach.

My breath caught in my throat, as a surge of happiness and pain rushed through me, at the sight before me.

There he sat, on a white bench that seemed to be made from the purest of stones. His blonde hair somehow remained neat despite the soft breeze around us, and those blue eyes seemed to smile on its own without any command, looked at me.

" Roshan"

I gasped seeing my brother look upwards at me and smile. Flashing me his pearly white teeth. Standing up, he took easy steps forward and in a flash of a moment, his strong arms were around me. Holding me tightly.

Closing my eyes, his warmth felt so real. So pure. As if I was truly here, hugging him, but then again, what if I am. What if I am really here this time.

" My beautiful Fairy"

He chuckled releasing the embrace as he slowly reached forward, and easily tucked a strand away from my face. Looking upwards at him, tears welled in my eyes. Thanking my lucky stars for seeing him again.

Inhaling sharply, Roshan's scent hit me. The smell of ocean and fire. I could feel tears rush down my face making him reach forward and wipe it away easily. Shaking his head in disappointment.

" Why are you crying?"

" Because you're here"

I spoke seeing the man shake his head as he slowly reached towards my hand and placed it on my chest. Tapping on it lightly.

" I've always been here Farya" He grinned almost childlike making me nod, my throat constructing and unable to form any words.

" Why didn't you come and visit me then?"

I murmured, like a five year old seeing Roshan chuckle before he sighed and looked around us. His hair moved lightly against the wind, making me inhale sharply.

" Because Farya, I knew you were coming. Thats why I waited. I told you the last time I saw you-"

Roshan spoke as he looked again at the empty courtyard, almost as if he could see something I couldn't. Looking at my brother in confusion, my gaze flickered across his clothing seeing him wear all white. A striking shade I hadn't ever seen, a shade that was almost blinding.

" It wasn't your time then"

" And it is now?"

I murmured seeing the man smile as he suddenly extended his hand out. Tensing a little, I hesitated for a moment, seeing him arch his eyebrow almost teasing. Reaching forward, I placed my hand in his, hearing him speak.

" Well, I don't know Farya. Is it?"

He spoke as he tugged on to my hand making me follow after him. I never knew dreams could be so vivid, so realistic yet right now I didn't know whether I was dreaming or I had died. Whatever it may be, I wanted to stay a little longer.

Following after my brother, I felt like a five year old again. How he'd take me to the beach and I would follow after him. Claiming I would make the biggest sandcastle anyone had ever seen.

" Roshan, where are we going?"

I asked looking towards my brother seeing him shrug his shoulders, something he always did before he stared on ahead. His silence being my answer.

" You'll see"

He spoke as we found ourselves stepping out of the courtyard. Looking over his shoulder, Roshan smiled and within a blink of an eye. We were standing in the middle of a beach, with the sand between our feet.

The smell of ocean brushed through me. The strong salty water now crashing ashore on to the land, echoing across the quiet land around us.

" Home"

Roshan spoke as he spread his arms out, allowing the warm breeze to brush through his white shirt and through his hair.

" Race you"

Roshan spoke all of a sudden, pushing my shoulder lightly making me gasp. A small giggle escaped my lips at the sound of Roshan's laughter. He was the first one to start running making me follow behind closely, hearing him chuckle.

I felt my breath coming out sharply, and my lungs now on fire. Sweat formed at the tip of my forehead, and beside me Roshan ran as if he was surfing the water on a smooth wave.

Running out of breath, I stopped, hearing Roshan cry out in victory as he did a little jump and walked towards me with a smile on his face.

" You cheated!"

" How?"

He spoke and I heaved for breaths seeing the man before me roll his eyes dramatically.

" I don't know"

" Well you're just saying that 'cause you lost. Sour loser"

He spoke as he placed his hands on his hips and turned towards the water. A moment of silence came across us whilst I tried to catch my breath and look at Roshan.

" What is it like to die?"

I suddenly asked seeing the man turn towards me. A longing look came across his face as he sighed and stared at the water before me.

" To die, Farya. It's like walking down a beach-"

" How so?"

I interrupted seeing my brother suddenly point at the blue ocean before us, that seemed to go on and on. It was almost like a mirage as Roshan placed his arm on my shoulders, and squeezed it reassuringly.

" Well, much like death we know it'll come and, when we visit the beach we know to what to expect. We know we'll see the water and sand, right"

He spoke making me nod as the man suddenly reached down and held a small white shell in his hand. Holding it next to him, he smiled and threw it on the water causing it to skip perfectly.

" What we don't know is, on the day we visit. What the tide will be like, so Farya. It all comes down to the sea level. Whether our tide will be high and it'll wash us away roughly, or whether it'll be a low tide"

Roshan spoke, making me look towards the water seeing a few waves crash lightly. A warm breeze rushed past me, making my brother reach towards my hand as he held it lightly.

" What will mine be like?"

" Well, there is only one way to find out but Farya, before you go. Look behind you"

Roshan spoke making me turn around slowly. I could feel my eyes widening and my heart beat picking up. My heart now warming up, at the sight before me.

" Moustafa"

I sang happily seeing the handsome man stand before me. Wearing a black shirt, his sleeves were rolled up, and his top buttons undone. A smile came across his face, yet there was pain behind it evidently.

" Farya"

He spoke as he reached forward, his warm hand holding on to mine. Bringing it to his lips, he placed a soft kiss before he released my hand, and his free one slowly reached on to my face, cupping it lightly. Bringing his forehead against mine, I felt my eyes closing momentarily.

" Where were you? I missed you"

I spoke my words breaking seeing the man move away a little. He tilted his head, his eyes turning glossy, as he spoke. His voice breaking.

" I'll always miss you my Fairy-"

He started and he slowly took a step back. I could feel my heart dropping as Moustafa reached behind him. My eyes widened seeing my husband hold a small hand and behind him came a little girl, around four years of age.

She had long locks of brown hair and large blue eyes. Smiling at me, two dimples came across her cheeks as she moved slightly, her pink dress twirling a little.

" Moustafa that's-"

" Our daughter"

He spoke and I felt tears blurring my vision, kneeling down, my arms wrapped around the little girl. Feeling her heart beat lightly against mine. In an instant her small arms held on to me, as I picked her up slowly, placing her on my hip.

" You're so beautiful"

I choked on my words seeing the girl smile at me, but not a single sound came out of her mouth.

" Farya, come on. We need to go"

A voice spoke behind me making me tense. I could feel the blood rush from my head seeing Roshan reach his hand out. A smile on his face.

" Now? But it's so soon"

I whispered glancing towards Moustafa who stood next to me. His eyes trained on my movements. Closing my eyes, I felt tired all of a sudden, as if my body no longer could stand. What was happening to me?

" I am so tired"

I murmured opening my eyes again, seeing Roshan, look between me and Moustafa.

" I know you are, but we need to go. We'll wait by the shores"

He spoke as he suddenly reached towards me, but not for me. I could see the little girl, my baby girl, giggling as she reached over to Roshan and held on to him tightly.

Looking towards my daughter, I felt tears rush down my face as she raised her hand and slowly waved it.

" R-Roshan wait. You said my time hadn't come yet, but now it has right, not my daughters right?"

I questioned seeing Roshan smile lightly as he looked down at his niece. Holding her protectively. She had her head against his chest as she looked towards me.

" That's right, but now it has?"

" So I am dying?"

I asked hearing the waves crash slowly and the sound of seagulls reach my ears. Looking at my brother flabbergasted he spoke, leaving me breathless.

" No Farya, a part of you is dying"

He spoke as he held on to my hand. I could see my daughters small hand reach towards mine and Moustafa as she smiled, her face lighting up.

" Till we meet again, we'll wait by the shores"

Roshan spoke, reaching his hand towards my face, making my eyes close. I could feel a tide wash against me, drifting me away, further and further in to utter nothingness.

The sounds of the water and waves crashing numbed my ears and I wanted to scream, to cry out for help but no one could hear me.

I had to get back. I had to see my daughter, and Roshan.

All of a sudden there was utter silence. A haunting silence, before reality crashed again, and this time time reality felt as if your entire body was cut open and sharp knives were plunged inside.

The first thing I saw from darkness was a faint light. Blinking my eyes open, it took me a while to make sense of what I was seeing.

A white ceiling.

That was the first thing I saw the moment I opened my eyes. Then I felt my chest heavy, almost as if there was a boulder placed on top of it. The sound of machines beeping and what seemed like a heart monitor flashing rhythmically caught my eye.

Breathing slowly, my chest ached making me hiss in pain. Looking upwards, my gaze landed on the white door before me. Glancing to the side, there were two chairs situated in front of the window, facing me. Looking towards my left, I felt my gaze landing on a black sofa.

My breath caught in my throat at the sight before me. There on the sofa lay Moustafa. His eyes closed tightly.

My heart skipped a little, seeing him wear a black shirt, with his sleeves rolled up. All of a sudden I was taken back to my dream.

To Roshan. To Moustafa, and our daughter.

I could feel tears sting my vision, at the sight of him, of us. Instinctively my hand slowly reached towards my stomach. I could feel pain shoot through my limbs making me breath sharply.

The world stilled around me, feeling my hand land on my stomach. My almost flat stomach.

Closing my eyes tightly, my other hand reached towards my mouth and pulled out the tube piece that had been surged inside. A low sob escaped my lips. I could feel my chest on fire and my body turn utterly limp.

" Till we meet again, we'll wait by the shores" Roshan's voice whispered in my ears as I felt my eyes open and tears rush down.

" Farya"

A voice spoke beside me, making me look to the side and see Moustafa now sitting upwards. His bloodshot eyes landed on me and a mixture of pain and relief came across his face.

There was a moment of silence, before Moustafa stood up from the small sofa and reached towards me. I could see him swallow sharply as his shaky hands reached towards mine, and held it. Bringing slowly next to his cheek, he kissed it lightly as I felt tears rushing down my face.

" My baby"

I whispered, my voice croaky seeing tears well up in his eyes as he shook his head. Swallowing sharply, he clenched his jaw tightly as he placed his head on the bed. Away from my sight.

" She's gone" I murmured my voice breaking hearing a soft sob reach my ears. Looking to the side Moustafa raised his head, his face red as he reached towards me. His strong arms wrapping around me.

I felt my face inches away from his, as he placed my head against his chest. His body shook lightly, whilst his hand reached towards mine. Holding tightly.

" What did you name her?"

I whispered, my voice breaking hearing Moustafa beside me inhale sharply as he suddenly looked towards me. His handsome face now in pain.

" Eyla"

Moustafa spoke softly, his eyes flickering towards me making me nod. Unable to say anything. Tears rushed down my face as I reached towards Moustafa and felt my arms wrap around his strong arms.

" Did you see her?"

" Mhmm"

Moustafa hummed, as if he was unable to form any words making me nod. My body turning utterly cold. Moving away a little, I released the embrace hearing the door knob turn and in came a middle aged man, whom I'm assuming was the doctor from his appearance.

" Mrs. Aydin, it's so good to see you. I'm Doctor Ayaz, I've been monitoring your health. It's good to see you awake, I'm going to run a few tests and then you can rest"

The man spoke with a kind smile but I could barely focus. Wiping my hand across my face, I nodded, my gaze downcast feeling tears well up in my eyes again.

" I want to go home"

I spoke, my voice breaking feeling Moustafa reach towards me. His hand holding on to mine.

" And we will. We just need to make sure you're okay"

" I'm not okay Moustafa. My baby is dead. I'm not okay"

I cried feeling my head spin. Cold shivers rushed down my body as Moustafa reached towards me. Holding me in his embrace.

" D-Dont touch me. Just leave me please"

I spoke moving away from his embrace seeing his face fall. Looking away from the man, tears rushed down my face. Doctor Ayaz that stood silently now walked towards me. As if to calm me down.

" What are you saying Farya. She was my daughter. You think I wanted this?"

" No! I don't know Moustafa but she's gone, and it's all because of your family. Your mother and your uncle"

I cried pushing the sheets off me as my gaze travelled towards my stomach seeing it still swollen.

" I wish I hadn't ever met you. I wish I had died"

I cried hysterically hearing footsteps rush inside the room. From my blurry vision I could see Nourie rush inside as she stared at me.

" Oh Farya"

" Nourie"

I cried out seeing the woman rush towards me and hold me tightly. And for the first time, ever since Roshan died, ever since I was nearly forced to marry Emre and then to the pain Esma and everyone put me through and then to finally lose her, to lose my daughter.

I cried for my pain, for my daughters pain and for my brother.

I cried till I no longer could cry. I cried till I could see even Doctor Ayaz tear up. From the corner of my eyes, my gaze flickered towards the man walking inside the room. His striking blue eyes landing on me as his face fell.

" Why are you here Dad? Are you here to gloat, to tell me how you and mom were right?"

I sobbed feeling Nourie run her hand soothingly on my back, as if to calm me down but it was no use. I could no longer hide the pain. I could no longer pretend.

" Farya-"

" No you know what! Roshan is so happy. He is finally free from you all and you know what. I'm glad he's not here. That he is away from the both of you"

I cried wiping my face, feeling the needle on the top of my hand pierce even further through the skin.

" I don't want to stay here. I want to go home" I finally spoke, feeling my head lower as I cried. Large tears rushing down my face.

" Farya sweetheart we're going to take you home. Doctor Ayaz just needs to look after you for a while"

Nourie spoke as she cupped my face before her hands brushed my hair to the side. A pained look came across her face as she tried smiling through the tears.

" I wish you were my Mom"

I blurted out seeing Nourie eyes widen, from the corner of my eyes I could see my father inhale sharply and the woman who had given birth to me look for a few moments before she stormed away from the room.

" My beautiful baby, I don't need to give birth to you for you to be my daughter. You, Roshan and Iskendar. You're all my babies"

She spoke nodding her head as she slowly helped me lay down on the bed. Her warm hand holding on to mine.

I could see a nurse walk towards the drip, before she injected something and I'm assuming it was a sedative to help me sleep, and this time. I didn't complain. I welcomed the dark, atleast I knew the darkness was truthful to me.

As the days went by, we all fell in to an easy routine. Every morning when I woke up, I either had Nourie or Guliez or sometimes Elif sitting beside the chair. Sometimes awake or sometimes asleep.

I would have Doctor Ayaz come in and check my development followed by Doctor Halime who was specifically called to assess my cancer.