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I dreamt of being a kite.

Soaring through the sky with the winds brushing on my back. I dreamt of being free, having the world

in the palm of my hands and my shoulders weightless.

I dreamt of many things, yet what I didn't dream of was being Twenty-One, with my cancer back and being pregnant at the same time.

They say each heart beats for a different desire, sings to an unknown tune and wishes upon the stars, but what did mine beat for? Till this day, I knew not, but I wish I did, because even though I knew I'd be dying, there would at least be something to look forward to. Something that could keep my mind off things.

Pregnant.

A single word yet the meaning of it carried the weight of the world. It's hard to register I was carrying a life, how could it be possible. I was barely growing up and now I have another life tied with me. A child was coming in to this world, in to a family of hatred and bloodshed. A family that'd rather slaughter each other than cross paths.

How could I bring a child in to this world knowing I could barely look after myself.

Why is God testing me as such.

All these thoughts ran through my head. Swirling round and round, passing through each corner and curve in my mind, trying to deteriorate the little hope I had built up.

That night I couldn't sleep, it was impossible to close my eyes and will for sleep to come and drift me away. And so instead, at half-three in the morning I stood in the large room facing the wall length windows, staring at the waves crashing before me.

He was back. Moustafa was back.

The thought itself repulsed me, the idea of having to see him made my stomach turn, for not only hours ago I was forced in to his car.

The man I once looked at as if it held my world, now became that one thing I regretted the most.

I regret giving my heart and mostly, I regret giving him my body.

A shiver ran down my spine causing my throat to clog up. Anger and sadness both consumed as I moved away from the windows and sat down on the long white sofas, now lost in my never ending thoughts.

" You're still awake?"

A voice spoke from the hallway making me look up, my eyes landing on the honey like ones before me. Smiling I found Deniz walking towards me, dressed in black sweat-pants and grey top. His brown hair was ruffled making him look years younger, as he rubbed his face slowly, letting out a low groan.

" Yeah, I couldn't sleep" I spoke seeing him nod as he slumped beside me on the sofa, the warmth from his body brushing against my cold one.

A silence fell on us as both Deniz and I stared ahead at the open space till I found myself asking, that one question which was haunting me till this minute, as I opened my mouth my voice echoing across the large open room.

" How did you get the house. I thought it needed signatures from my parents"

I spoke seeing him tense as he inhaled sharply before he looked towards me and nodded, agreeing with my statement.

" It did, though Roshan already had his will so it wasn't that hard to get it however-"

" However?"

" Your dad signed the papers himself. So now you're the sole heir or owner of the property"

Deniz spoke as I felt the news dawn on me yet I still remained silence, not able to say anything. Baba did that.

" Why would he do that"

I suddenly murmured seeing Deniz shrug his shoulders as he looked at me, his eyes briefly flickering across my face before he looked ahead.

Weird

" You have your appointment with the oncologist tomorrow- well today"

Deniz spoke as I felt a slight tremor running through my spine, the question I once asked now long forgotten. Clenching my hands I nodded unable to look at the man in the eyes.

Maybe that was one of the reasons I couldn't get to sleep, because I'd be seeing the oncologist tomorrow.

A warm hand suddenly brushed towards my cold one as I felt Deniz look at me, his handsome face morphing in to worry, for me. Entwining our fingers together, I felt our hands mold perfectly. Leaning against his shoulder, I felt Deniz brush his thumb lightly across my hand. As if to reassure me.

" You're going to be okay fairy. It's going to be alright" he spoke giving my hand a squeeze and despite having my throat tightening and my eyes daring to spill tears, I found myself leaning on to that touch, because I knew if it wasn't there. I'd have fallen way before I knew I could.

That hold that Deniz had stayed with me throughout the morning and even now, as we sat at the lavish looking office whilst Doctor Halime, the oncologist looked down at some files before her and then looked upwards at me.

Doctor Halime was a woman in her late fifties with striking hazel eyes and dark raven hair. For a woman in her age, she looked youthful as she smiled at me. Bringing a little light in to this room.

" Doctor, what is it?" Nourie, who was beside me spoke as she looked nervously at the doctor before us. Her constant tapping of fingers against the chair had even distracted my mind, as Nourie dared a smile. Hoping to look brave.

" Farya, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I will be utmost honest with you. With the reports that came through after you blood test and scans, I can say that you're at an early stage three cancer, very early, and not borderline four- which in a way is a little good news, however-"

She spoke and I knew what came after however wasn't nice so I held my breath, and squeezed both Deniz and Nourie's hands tightly as we looked at the doctor before us.

" Your pregnancy limits your treatment. As you know, chemotherapy and radiation is completely out of the books as it will harm the baby, which leaves us with the option of targeted and immune therapy"

Doctor Halime spoke, the sound of her soothing voice and kind eyes became the one thing that made my heart a little steady. Through the process, it was almost as if the world had halted and everyone around me froze.

I could see Deniz, who was only two years older act as both a father figure, a brother figure, and a friend figure. His young age reflected through his eyes yet he had knowledge beyond his years. His worried face was masked by the light smile he portrayed as he briefly glanced down at the medical reports, nodding now and then at Doctor Halime.

I then felt my eyes drift towards Nourie. The woman who had taken the role of a mother, since my biological one gave birth to me. I could see how her hazel eyes with a spark of green would swell up with tears before she blinked them away. How her beautiful face has swallowed in, the lack of sleep and worry laying evidence underneath her eyes.

Her light brown hair brushed on to her face whilst the woman tugged it away, holding my hand tightly, not because I was scared, which I was, but because Nourie was way more scared than me. Scared that she'd too lose me, as she did with Roshan.

" How long do I have, to live?"

I suddenly spoke, stopping the conversation between Deniz and Doctor Halime. I could see the woman before me clear her throat and look at me in the eyes.

" I can't say for certain Farya. As soon as we start your treatment, we will analyse whether your body is responding and that way we could make an estimation- but Farya"

Doctor Halime spoke as she leaned in through the desk a little. Her manicured nails brushing against the reports on her desks.

" Putting aside my medical views, you have as much as God will allow. As do I and as does Deniz and Nourie. It's in God's hands. People who have had cancer and were very poorly still made it through. Its hope that brings life to our hearts"

She spoke as she patted my hand lightly making me smile yet leaving my heart uneasy. Doctor Halime then proceeded to talk about the treatment, how I could carry it both at home and at the hospital. She encouraged me to take rest which made Nourie jump up to agreement. Doctor Halime insisted on counselling or a therapy group to which I kindly declined.

I was already at my happy place. Next to the beach with the ones I loved.

Loved

The mention of that word made my heart pang hurt. A good hour passed through and I was more than happy to be out in the fresh air and walking through lively streets of Ovacik.

" Farya, I'm going to go home. You go with Deniz I think he wanted to take you somewhere"

Nourie spoke as she turned towards me. Running a hand through my hair I looked at Nourie looking through her bag for her car keys.

" Why? Where's he taking me?"

I asked reaching towards my hair and pulling my hair in a loose bun. Shrugging her shoulders she held on to her keys as she leaned in pecking my cheek before cupping them.

" Now you look after yourself. If you feel sick or anything, baby you give me a call"

" I'm gonna be fine Nourie"

" Good! Well here comes Deniz, you can ask him now"

Nourie spoke as she waved at Deniz who now stood next to me. Holding a bag of roasted nuts. The sudden smell of it made my stomach turn making me choke back, the urge to throw up consuming me.

" Deniz! That's disgusting please put it away" I gasped for fresh air seeing him look at me innocently before he put the bag away.

" oh shit! Is this the part where you start throwing up" Deniz spoke nervously as he looked at me, his eyes wide.

Running a hand through my hair I took a deep breath, trying to calm my beating heart.

" No- I don't know. I think I just needed fresh air" I murmured seeing Deniz look at me worriedly but nonetheless shrug his shoulders. Walking towards his car, I found myself sitting at the front next to Deniz who rolled the windows down allowing fresh air to rush inside the car.

" Where are we going anyway?"

I asked looking at Deniz who had now started driving as he briefly looked at me, before focusing on the road again.

" Your all time favourite place fairy" He grinned a pearly white smile making me furrow my eyebrows but nonetheless nod unsure.

An easy silence fell on us as Deniz hummed to a familiar turkish song making me smile despite myself. This man was loyal to his roots.

" Have you thought about what you're going to do, about Moustafa?"

Deniz spoke as I found the once peace around us disrupt and the air stifle. Sucking in a breath, my hands clasped against each other as I glanced out of the window seeing the trees brush by in a blur.

" I don't know"

I finally spoke and that was the honest truth. I didn't know. What was I to do. I was lost between the shores and the seas. And truth be told, Moustafa broke me more than I could possibly imagine. He tore that one piece of me I dared not to show to the world.

" Have you told Nourie, about what he did" Deniz spoke as he took a turn and I soon found the car approaching what seemed like a carnival. All of a sudden, all the worries and pain rushed away and for that split moment, I felt like me again.

I could see people walking around, holding candy floss and drinks in their hands. Loud music played all around the large open space. The familiar sounds of screaming and rides echoed all around making me smile hearing Deniz chuckle.

" Denny"

I squealed hugging him tightly hearing the man chuckle even more and embrace me back. Moving away form his hold I opened the car door seeing Deniz do the same.

" Come Fairy we'll be late" Deniz spoke as he walked towards the entrance. I could see him buy the tickets for the entrance, whilst I stood next to him.

" In you go sir" The man spoke as we walked through the gates and in to the heart of the carnival. The sound of laughter, talking and music consumed each corner around us and in that moment all I felt was the world surrounding me. Almost as if I was in the centre of it and it had stopped for me, for that split moment letting me breath.

Blinking my eyes, my gaze travelled upwards at the sky seeing light pink overpower the blue. Faint stars emerged in the distant allowing a warm breeze to float around me, making me inhale the smell of popcorn.

In that moment I felt free. As free as a kite roaming through the sky.

Strong hands reached towards my shoulders and I felt a smile fall on me. Glancing over my shoulder slowly, my gaze landed on dark grey eyes staring back at me. The sight of dark raven hair brushing against the winds played before me as the man gave me a light smile, making my heart drop.

" Farya, where have you been?"

He spoke as I felt my eyes widen, staggering backwards I blinked again seeing the sight of the tall man disappear and now a worried looking Deniz stared at me.

" You okay Fairy? Are you feeling sick again?" Deniz asked worriedly as he looked at me, his hands holding on to my shoulders tightly. Shaking my head I mustered a smile seeing Deniz imitate me.

" Shall we go?" He asked making me nod as we walked further in to the carnival seeing colours of every kind flash around us. Deniz who was busy telling me about the engineering behind the rides and how sometimes safety regulations prohibits certain rides from being released- didn't realise he had earned a few stares from the female population.

" So fairy its simple at the end of the day. It's all about money and business" he spoke rubbing his two fingertips together symbolizing cash.

Smiling I shook my head and looked upwards at the ferris wheel before us. As if he knew what I was thinking, Deniz paid the lady at the ferris wheel before grabbing on to my hand.

" Come on Fairy. Let's go" He grinned childish whilst he held on to my hand pulling me in to the small booth with two seats.

" Deniz I don't know. What if I feel sick again-"

" You won't come on" Deniz spoke as he held on to my hand. His fingers wrapping around mine as we walked inside the small booth and the long metal bar being the safety between us and death came on to our laps.

Leaning back I felt the seatbelt around my now growing belly and even though I was now two months and on the verge of three months pregnant. My bump was fairly small up until now, as it looked rather noticeable.

A gnawing feeling scratched at my heart as I inhaled sharply and brushed all thoughts away.

The voice over the microphone came through telling everyone to get ready and put their phones away. The ferris wheel slowly started as our small booth slowly started turning.

A low giggle escaped my lips as Deniz grinned and looked at the maroon sky before us. Smiling I tugged on to Deniz hand urging him to look at the stars.

Closing my eyes, I felt my head leaning backwards and the warm breeze brush past me.

This was freedom. Being on top of the world with only the sky and the stars distancing you from the world below.

Opening my eyes I glanced to the side seeing Deniz with his phone out as he held it infront of me making me scrunch my eyebrows.

" Deniz what are you doing?" I giggled moving his phone away as the man shook his head and pulled his phone back on to his pocket.

" Jeez sorry! I was just taking a picture you know for memory book"

He grinned as we both fell in to an easy silence just enjoying the moment. The feeling of being on top of the world as the ride continued.

A good ten minutes and Deniz urge to pee passed as we bid farewell to the carnival and made our way back home. Nourie had insisted on coming back home rather than to a restaurant, because Doctor Halime had prescribed my medication which had come back alongside with the schedule she had set up for me.

Doctor Halime had arranged for the nurse to visit the house every two days and a visit to the oncologist would be every two weeks to check on my treatment. To see whether I was reacting to the medication as intended.

This wasn't my first rodeo. I remember when I was first diagnosed with Leukemia at thirteen. I thought the world had narrowed in and all the heartache was launched me. It was almost as if I was fighting a battle with the world, trying to prove my point. Back then, I had my parents and as such as they were, they stood by me. Nourie would be with me around the clock and as would Roshan, coming to see me every day after college.

This time round, every one was here yet I felt more lonely than ever.

Time had passed and so did the medication and tests. Each date was a battle, each day was a struggle to live.

Guliez had gone back to Istanbul for the start of the first term at university. Deniz who was training to become a sergeant in the police force had requested to take employment near the house.

Nourie and Aylin were both instructed to follow a strict diet for me and my visits with Doctor Halime had increased as the oncologist wanted to look at further treatment now that I was approaching the end of my fourth month, and the hard truth was. My cancer wasn't backing away. It wasn't spreading but neither was it disappearing.

Last night consisted of good six hours at the hospital with several scans, blood test and a episode of throwing up everything that was given me.

Doctor Halime had carried out a conference in Antalya hence the normal schedule of every Friday went to thursday. I remember the woman sitting down with me during my first trimester, discussing the pros and the cons of pregnancy risk and cancer.

The topic of choosing whether to continue with the pregnancy raised yet I dismissed the notion itself. I couldn't do it. Even though I hadn't planned to get pregnant, I knew the baby wasn't at fault. And although my pregnancy limited my treatment, I wanted this child to be born.

I wanted to witness being a mother, because although my chance of survival wasn't that high. It was hope that kept me going.

As I now sat in the large sofa with a blanket around my legs. I felt my hands travel towards my now growing stomach. Rubbing against it, a surge of happiness washed through me feeling the baby move.

" Aylin someone is at the door" I suddenly spoke hearing the door bell ring across the large hall. Glancing towards the kitchen, Aylin was no where in sight making me stand up.

The long yellow summer dress fell against my body and my evident growing stomach. Running a hand through my hair, I felt my gaze landing on the small needle piercings and the evident bruising.