I wonder if they regretted it.

When the shots were fired, did they see their lives flash before their eyes?

Did they feel remorse?

Did they really love me?

I swallow my throat and ignore the feeling in my stomach.

It feels almost like I ate too much. Like I am sick and about to puke. Like I am full. I guess I am full. Full of sorrow.

Sorrow for my dead mother.

Sorrow for my dead sister.

Sorrow that they never treated me like a normal person.

Sorrow that I am not a normal person.

Sorrow that Father didn't die as well.

Sorrow that I plan on killing him.

Sorrow because I know that, if I had to do it again, I would kill them again. Maybe even slower and painfully.

Sorrow for these boys who had to kill for me. Have to put up with me and my family. Have to take care of me because I don't exist.

Sorrow that I don't exist. I will never have a real life. I will always be a burden on someone or not able to survive.

Sorrow because I don't understand what everyone else does.

"Sang, are you okay?" Corey asks, concerned.

I give Corey a big smile.

My Peep.

So kind, so gentle, so caring, so perfect.

Just like all the other boys.

The boys that I actually care about, care about too much.

"I'm okay, Corey," I answer truthfully.

How dare I have pity for myself?

I know that others have it so much worse than me.

I may think that life is unfair, but that is not true.

Life is fair in that it is unfair to everyone.

We are driving down the road slowly and Raven starts yelling mean words because the car in front of us is really slow.

I can't wait until I am old and retired so I can wake up at six in the morning and drive around really slowly and make everyone late for school and work.

Being old sounds like so much fun. You get to pretend you're senile, you get discounts on everything, and, finally, you can get away with anything claiming you were having a "senior moment."

I glare at Raven for saying such mean words to the slow driver.

An eternity later, our old and crumbling bodies walk in the mansion.

I hope I don't have wrinkles.

I trudge into the house and purposely fall flat on my face over the armrest and on the couch.

I lay with my face buried in the cushion until Always Hungry picks me up and cradles me in his lap.

Sighing, I sit up.

"Mr.Blackbourne, I believe you were going to ask me about Insane?" I remind him.

I don't know why I reminded him.

I have been avoiding this.

Might as well get it over with, right?

Mr.Blackbourne clears his throat.

"Yes, thank you. Would you care to explain?"

I sigh.

I was happy to tell them about Sarah and Star, but not this.

This I am ashamed of.

"Mr.Blackbourne, boys, I am sorry, but all I want to say right now is that Insane refers to the three of us: Star, Sarah, and, me, Sang," I explain sad that I can't say much more.

"Please, give me time. If it is necessary, I will explain, but this is something very personal to me."

The guys all look at each other having a conversation with their eyes. I would follow along, but I don't have the energy or motivation to. At all.

Finally, Axel decides, "Arrow, we are more than willing to give you your space and privacy. We just want you to know that you can always come to with anything. We will never judge you and nothing can change the way we feel about you."

I have the best family.

Wait.

If they are my family, does that mean they are my brothers?

For some reason, disappointment fills me with that notion.

I give them all a smile that expresses what my words cannot. It shows my feelings and my heart.

They all look dazed.

Huh.

Maybe they are bored with me and daydreaming.

I shrug and head to the kitchen to grab the ingredients to make frosting.

I am pulling out the powdered sugar when North Star stops me.

"Sang Baby, you promised no sugar," North Star warns.

Ha!

Sucker!

I deliberately made sure not to say that. I was careful with my words.

I don't want to be a liar.

"How about we have some cucumber slices?" North Star offers.

"Fine. But only if I get ranch dressing," I demand.

North Star reluctantly agrees and thinly slices a cucumber from the fridge. Arranging the slices on two plates and pouring ranch on the mine, he hands me my plate and we sit at the counter.

I take a slice and cover it in as much ranch as possible. Instead of eating the cucumber, though, I decide to just lick all the dressing off. I scoop up and say all the ranch quickly without eating a single slice of cucumber.

"Hey, North Star, I need some more ranch," I request.

North Star looks at me startled.

"Sang, where did your ranch go? Why aren't you eating your cucumbers?"

I roll my eyes.

For not being blonde, he sure is dumb. Very dumb.

In my best duh tone, I explain simply, "Ma ranch went in ma belly. I didn't eat the cucumbers because they are vegetables."

I give a little shiver at the mention of eating a vegetable.

Ew.

North Star looks devastated.

"It's okay. You don't have to eat your vegetables either. I'll go make us both some frosting," I console him and get up to whip up some buttercream frosting.

North Star pales and grabs me by my waist.

He then drags me out of the kitchen kicking and screaming.

What?

Frosting makes me happy.

I pout on North Star's lap as the boys fight over what movie to watch. Everyone by Mr.Blackbourne is debating about the movie we are watching first.

"That's it!" Paprika exclaims exasperated. "Sang, what do you want to watch?!"

The boys stop arguing and all look at me.

The attention makes me shy.

"Umm... Do you have The Girl with All the Gifts?" I ask hesitantly.

I have been wanting to watch the movie since I read the book.

"Sang, you do realize that movie is a scary zombie movie with lots and lots of swearing?" Luke confirms.

"Yeah, but I can cover my ears for the swearing."

"Okay, Sang. Meet us know if you change your mind," Pug orders.

Yay!

I switch how I am sitting so my head is on North Star's lap, my back on Luke's, and my legs on Gabriel's.

Victor starts up the movie and Corey turns off the lights.

When it is finished, all I can say is "WOW!"

That ending!

I ended up having my ears covered the whole time, but, other than that, it was a great movie. I had to laugh at a some parts because the madness was just so perfect!

Next we watch Snow Piercer. It is about these people on a train that circles the frozen world. They are the only survivors and there are two classes of people: those with everything they want in the front of the train and those in the back who are used for labor and left to die back there.

I was laughing the whole time that my ears were not covered.

The boys were looking at me like I am crazy.

I guess you are not supposed to laugh or cheer people on when you watch movies.

Why do they not have social interaction classes at school?

That would have been more helpful than retaking that neurobiology class because I had ran out of advanced classes to take.

I roll over and look at all of the guys.

How did I end up here?

Surrounded by beautiful men who call themselves my family, free of my master and sister, and finally being a normal person.

These incredible boys.

Mr.Blackbourne, my steel eyed and stoic leader. With his strength and leadership. He shows he cares by taking care of each of us.

Pug, my charming and confusing doctor. He may say the strangest of things, but he never fails to make me feel better about myself.

Axel, my Bow. Too bad he is not my Beau. Kind and sweet, he was the one to explain to me their reactions to my scars.

Kota, my handsome green eyed genius. He may be a little odd, but he is always careful to make sure that everyone is included. He is my numbers. Without my Numbers, I would be lost.

North Star, my dark knight, my guide, my protector, my overprotective caveman. Showing he cares by yelling, he yells at me a lot.

Luke, my Always Hungry boy with chocolate eyes. He is a lot like me, and we daydream and eat sugar together. Luke knows how to have fun, but is also serious.

Marc my beautifully blended Blend. Always kind, always cool, always there.

Silas, my Superman who treats me like an angel and is always gentle with me. My gentle giant.

Gabriel, my Meanie with his mean words. He knows what he likes to do and does it. He shows his love by taking the time to create a personal wardrobe and smell for each of the boys.

Raven, my crazy Russian who understands what good driving is. Skilled and strong he will always protect me. Unless I prank him.

Victor, my Prince of Earth. A talented musician with fire eyes that show his heart. Victor somehow manages to make me feel like a real princess.

Paprika, my confused and mentally ill redhead. A good fighter and kind to everyone even with his mental challenges.

Corey, my Peep. The sweetest, kindest, most innocent person I have ever met. I still don't know how he got accepted into the mafia.

Brandon, my wary Motor. Cautious to new people, but caring to those he knows.

The more I think about it, the more I realize.

I love them.

All of them.

I know they don't love me, they never could love me, but that is okay.

The only words more important than 'I love you ' are 'I am here for you' and these boys have showed me time and time again that they are here for me.

Besides, who could ever love me?