It turned out I really had been suffocating. Or drowning, in this case.

When I broke the water's surface all my senses came flooding back in. I saw Patrick floating on his lifejacket beside me, his eyes closed and facing upwards as he smiled contently. One of the teacher's boats was moving towards us and I quickly swam back over to Beverly.

She had managed to flip the canoe back over with the help of Billy and Stan. They avoided my gaze as I approached them. Beverly helped me into the boat and we quickly paddled away from Patrick and my regrets.

I shook my head. I could barely remember what had happened, my head already messed up from the night before. Beverly turned to face me with an unusual look on her face.

"I thought you were going to drown." she said.

"What?" I asked in reply. "Why?"

She hesitated before she spoke. "I don't know." she said. "When you guys were, you know, doing stuff, it almost looked as if he was trying to drown you. Cus he was on top of you and you were fully under."

I didn't reply for a moment, not knowing what to say. "That explains the burning in my chest, I guess."

The teacher was yelling at everyone to stay on course and people had finally started to move away. I looked back to see Patrick climbing into his canoe with a disgruntled looking Victor, not caring about the attention he was getting. Enjoying it, even. When he snatched his paddle out of the water and started rowing down the lake, he looked up and met my gaze.

He raised an eyebrow at me with a smirk and turned back to the water in front of me. That was wrong. I kept thinking to myself. I kept feeling this sense of unease, of wrongfulness. As if there was something dark lurking just beneath the surface that was waiting for me to dip more than just my toes in before striking.

I was brought out of my thoughts when Beverly made a noise of surprise, pointing to the water.

"What is it?" I asked, leaning over the edge of the boat.

"I think I see a turtle down there!" she exclaimed. I leaned further over, trying to get a better look, and saw a flash of green in the murky water of the lake. Indeed, there was a small turtle swimming down the length of the boat, small legs barely visible as they carried its round shell.

"Oh my gosh, it's so-"

I was cut off by something bumping the boat. I wavered dangerously close to the water before righting myself. Turning angrily to my left, I saw Richie and Eddie in their canoe, paddling past.

"That's for being a two-faced traitor, Lara." Richie said nastily while Eddie avoided my gaze. They rowed away, swerving dangerously.

"Fuck." I whispered to myself, the consequences of what had just happened sinking in.

- - -

I sat in the tent alone. I would have liked to say I wasn't hiding, but I would lying to myself if I wasn't currently in there for any other reason than to escape.

The day had been full of insults; people calling me a slut, whore, bitch. Whatever you can think of, I heard it. Patrick didn't get any shit though. Either people were too afraid of him, or the fucked up world we lived in only punished females for doing shit.

Those slanders weren't the worse of it, though. They weren't nearly half as painful as how the Losers Club treated me. Of course they weren't as vulgar or cruel as everyone else, but knowing that my best friends were no longer willing to talk to me was unbearable.

I understood how they felt - hurt, betrayed, angry. I wished I could take it back, take everything I'd done with Patrick back.

The shrill sound of a bell rang, indicating that dinner was being served. I felt my stomach rumble and I got up and left the tent, the cool air stinging my exposed arms.

I walked over to Beverly who was in line for food. She was the only person who was still talked to me kindly, although I could tell she was acting slightly different.

"Hey." I said quietly and she turned to look at me with a small smile.

"Oh, hey Lara." she replied, looking away.

We got our food, which was baked beans and 'toast'. It was really just soggy bread and tomato soup with a couple of beans thrown in there. I would have been helping prepare the food, but the teacher noticed my distress and allowed me to have some time to myself.

Beverly and I looked around for a place to eat and we spied the Losers Club sitting on a fallen log. She started towards them, but I didn't move. I knew it wasn't going to end well and I didn't want to humiliate myself further.

"Lara, are you coming?" Beverly asked, looking at me expectantly. I shook my head in reply and she sighed, her face suddenly looking tired.

"Come on, just go and talk to them. Maybe you can figure things out." she suggested. I still felt uneasy as I followed her.

The boys looked up when we approached them, Richie giving me a hard look while the others avoided my gaze.

"What do you want?" Richie asked without kindness.

I opened my mouth and closed it, looking at Beverly for help. She was making a show of examining her nails.

"I just want to talk." I replied unsurely. Richie scoffed.

"Okay then, talk." Stan said and I felt everyone's eyes on me.

I paused. "It wasn't my fault."

"It wasn't your fault?" Richie scoffed.

"He came on me! I tried to push him away, surely you guys saw that." I exclaimed desperately.

"All we saw was you talking to him in the water about something, very close to each other, and the next second you were mouths were touching." Eddie said quietly.

"He came onto me, I swear." I said, feeling my throat close up. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry about what? Sorry about lying to us? Or sorry about sucking face with the person who's been making our lives a living hell?" Richie asked and stood up, making me take a step backwards.

"Everything." I replied, feeling a lump forming at the back of my throat. I was not going to cry. I wouldn't let myself.

"I'm sorry, but sorry isn't good enough." Richie said. Eddie and Stan nodded slightly in reply while Bill avoided my gaze and it made my heart wrench.

"What can I do to make you guys believe me? Or at least forgive me?" I asked desperately, hating the way my voice wavered.

"You don't get it, do you? There's nothing you can do to fix this. You're not one of us, you never were, and you never will be."

This time I couldn't hold myself back.

"Okay." I choked and span on my heels, feeling tears streaming down my face. I hated myself for being weak, for not being able to stand up for myself, for always making bad decisions and never failing to run away from the consequences.

I found myself sitting against a tree, hidden from view by the undergrowth. I wiped the tears from under my eyes and felt myself yearning for a cigarette. Craving the relief it would give me.

I just wanted to go home. I wanted to go home and spend the whole of the summer in my room. Maybe something would happen and my mum would make us move again. I didn't think I'd be very upset if that happened, I might even be relieved to move. I was sure everyone in Derry would be, too.

I heard someone walk in front of me and I opened my eyes to see Bill, staring at me with a hidden expression.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked quietly. I nodded glumly. "Have you and P-p-patrick done stuff before? Is that w-what Henry m-meant when he talked about you two the other day?"

I didn't say anything and his face hardened as he took that as my answer.

"D-do you like him?" he asked.

"No!" I exclaimed suddenly, shaking my head. "I don't think so."

He shook his head. "I d-d-didn't realise you liked those k-kind of people." he said before walking away, sparing me no backwards glance.

I felt myself tearing up again and leaned my head back against the tree, closing my eyes. After a couple of minutes I heard another movement to my right. The ground rustled as someone took a seat next to me.

"Go away." I said, keeping my eyes shut and not caring who it was.

"I didn't realise you wanted to get rid of me that quickly, considering the way you acted today at the lake." a deep voice said, and I opened my eyes to see Patrick staring at me.

"Are you crying?" he asked, a look of surprise appearing on his face. I quickly wiped at the tears that had formed under my eyes and sniffed, looking away.

"It doesn't matter." I muttered, but he grabbed my face with his hand and made me look at him.

"Tell me what's wrong." he demanded, his blue eyes appearing black in the night's shadow. "Was it your faggot friends?"

"Don't, just don't. Please." I said, hating the word that had come out of his mouth.

"It was, wasn't it? I swear to God, I'll bash all of their heads in." Patrick said, letting go of my face.

"Patrick, please." I said. Even though they might hate me right now, I still felt some protectiveness over the Losers Club. I wouldn't let anything bad happen to them. "This is all your fault."

Patrick looked at me seriously, shaking his head and completely ignoring my last statement. "Don't you want them to hurt? Don't you want them to feel the way they've made you feel? Because I can do it, you know. I'd make those fuckheads regret ever causing you pain."

I could tell Patrick meant every word he said, and it scared me.

"No, don't. They didn't do anything wrong, Patrick! Don't you get it? It was your fault for kissing me, and my fault for not pulling away sooner." I muttered, staring at the ground.

There was a moment of silence before he spoke. "Do you regret kissing me?"

"No! Wait, yes. I don't know." I sighed, taking a deep breath. "What am I saying, Ididn't even kiss you. You came on me."

"Then why did you kiss me back?" he asked.

"I didn't!"

"Yes, you did." he replied seriously. I knew he wasn't lying.

"Then I would change that moment in a heartbeat, because those friends were the only good thing I had in this town."

He put his arm around me and I leant away. His demeanour was dark and uninviting, yet something felt right about it.

And that's what scared me.

"I'm sorry you feel this way." he said, oblivious to his rejection. "I'm in your position as well, you know. Henry isn't very happy with me because of what happened last night and today at the lake. But unlike you, I wouldn't change a thing."

"What happened last night?" I asked quietly, my heart rate quickening. This was the question that had been on my mind since I'd woken up, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear the answer.

"He didn't fuck you, if that's what you're wondering." he replied, looking away.

"Then why-"

"I'm sure he did other things with his hand, though. I found him like that." Patrick cut me off. I swallowed, feeling numb.

"Why did you get him off me?" I asked softly, my heart pounding out of my chest.

"I don't know." he replied. "But what I do know is that you and me, we're the same." His words should have made me feel uncomfortable, make me want to stand up and shout in his face everything that was wrong with him.

But instead they enveloped me like a warm blanket. I relaxed and leaned into him.