This was how sex was supposed be right?

"Please don't," I whimpered softly.

Bryan's hand slowly traveled up and over my knee, touching my inner thigh before settling softly on my clit.

"Good girl, you listened." His large hand started to rub up and down. Of course I listened, when Bryan told me not to wear underwear, I didn't. I knew the consequences if I didn't listen to him. I felt the familiar nausea, I didn't want this.

I cringed when a whimper escaped my lips when one thick finger slid into me. He groaned and slid another in immediately.

"My girl is so tight." He murmured in awe. I wondered how I was so tight too; at fourteen I wasn't a virgin, no, something Bryan took as well.

"Bryan please stop." I whispered, meeting his black eyes, they, other than his hands were the most scary part about him.

"Do we need to lube up again?" He said in my ear, completely ignoring my pleas.

There was once a time, when Bryan had been a crush of mine. He was older, he was hot, and my friends and I talked about how sexy he was. You know, my dad's thirty-five year old best friend. At fourteen I tended to crush on older, unreachable things, he was what I dreamt about for my first time. My dream was that he would be my first right? Well, he was. Of course, it wasn't something I wanted to be memorable, yet it cursed my dreams-my nightmares on a daily basis.

"Why are you doing this?" I cried as he lubed me up again. No matter how loud I cried, no one was here to hear me, to help me.

To save me from this monster.

"Because I love you so much. I want you so much." He said, kissing a trail down my stomach as I tried to push my hips down into the bed so that his lips wouldn't touch me.

"No! You will not shy away from me Emilia." He growled, his hand slapping down on ass harshly. The stinging pain caused a whimper to escape my lips.

"I'm so sorry, Bryan." I reached up and kissed his neck, he liked it when I responded, and he wouldn't hurt me too much if I enjoyed it.

 And just like that, his demeanor changed, he caressed my cheek softly, settling his big body over mine. When his lips touched mine and coaxed a response, I gave him one. When he linked his thick fingers through mine I didn't pull away. When he entered my body and began to thrust slowly, I didn't shy away, I met his thrusts, and it didn't hurt, because Bryan took care of me.

This was how sex was supposed be right?

When he released inside of me, no condom to protect me from him he groaned and told me he loved me again.

At fourteen, Bryan introduced me to what was eventually going to be the way I would live my life.

"Emilia!" Someone shouted my name.

I felt hands cupping my shoulders tenderly and my eyes shot open. They meet with light green eyes full of worry.

Derek.

I pushed him off me immediately. The last time a man was on top off me was not a memory I needed to revive right now.

"Are you okay!? You were crying again Em."Derek said softly, not touching me but lying opposite me on my big bed.

"You touched me without me initiating the contact or asking my permission." I said softly, my voice monotone and void of emotion.

"You were crying Em, I didn't think-"He started but I cut him off.

"You're right you didn't fucking think! Never touch me Derek, if I don't initiate the contact and you do not ask me, you will not touch me!" I finally lost the calm, and yelled at him, my breath coming out in short pants.

"I'm sorry Emilia. Can I touch you?" He asked cautiously, I knew he could see my anger draining

I rarely ever got angry, it wasn't really in my nature to show my anger, but this was a sore spot for me.

"Come here Derek." I demanded ignoring his request and spreading my arms open. Like an obedient child he got up and laid his head on my lap, his hair brushing against my thighs.

"This is okay." I said to Derek softly.

"Can I hold you?" He questioned

"No."

By the tone of my voice, he made the wise decision not to question me.

****

"Really?" I asked, not believing where this was going.

"Really." Adam Mussel confirmed. My boss's boss, this little runt of a man, with a balding head and a brown expensive Armani suit that I thought personally made him look like a dried potato was forcing me to a formal ball to meet our new clients; this was the twentieth century for fucks sake, not the seventeenth hundreds.

"I expect you to dress up to expectation, you need to look absolutely perfect, and we need these people, Emilia." His beady eyes ran up my body and I repressed a shiver.

"I understand but-" I started, but he unfortunately cut me off.

"This is a million dollar account Emilia! You are by far the most visually appeasing woman I have laid eyes on and if they agree with my statement, this account shouldn't be a problem." He said, leaning toward me.

Deep calm breaths. I told myself, willing myself from snapping at the man who was paying my very generous salary.

Once I had my anger under control, I curtly nodded my head and got up to leave his office. As I turned the doorknob, he spoke again.

"Do not get too involved with the owner, Emilia. Christian Ruxin. "He warned me quietly.

"And who is that exactly?" I asked, tiredly, not even really caring.

"The Truscott account owner and the most powerful man in North America." He said, his eyes roaming down my body once more.

Nodding my head again I quickly left his office, eager to leave and go home. On my way to my Range Rover I got a call from my therapist. That's when I realized I had an appointment with her today.

After a quick call to Derek I was promptly speeding down the familiar road to my family therapist.

****

" Gina." I said, walking into the cozy lobby of Rose's practice. With warm golden hues and soft browns, this was a supposedly calming environment that held so many bad memories for me.

"Rose is waiting for you." She said, not looking up from her computer. Gina had always hated me and for the love of god I didn't know why. With her long blond hair and dark brown eyes that were always cold when she stared at me, it had been three years and I was still trying to figure her out.

"Alright." I murmured, not really in the mood to deal with her today.

Stepping into the office that belonged to my counselor Rose, I was not surprised to see her sitting behind her desk, waiting for me.

I liked Rose, I did. I didn't think that coming here was completely necessary, but my parents insisted, and at twenty-four I still hadn't quite leaned how to say no to my parents yet. Not after all I had put them through

"Hello, nice of you to come Emilia." Rose said dryly, probably not to happy with the fact that I was over 30 minutes late.

"I forgot?" That sounded like a question, which would piss her off.

"No need to lie, Emilia." She said, flicking her red hair over her shoulder.

Arguing with her really was pointless, so the faster we got on with this, the faster I could get home.

"Right, I'm sorry Rose." I smiled at her and her shoulders relaxed.

"Well let's get started then." She smiled brightly at me, clearly content with my apology.

"So, are you still practicing BDSM with Derek?" Rose asked, blunt as ever.

"Well, yes." We had talked about this previously, and while Rose felt that it was time to start phasing my need for control in the bedroom out, I disagreed.

"And why do you think that is?"

"It was what Bryan liked. He had control then, and I couldn't do anything about it. Now, I have the control, I choose what we do and how we do it. I need it now." I was uncomfortable, to say the least. 

And that was the goddamn truth. My relationship with Bryan, was at the very least, complicated, but it was what it was. 

"Emilia, are you still seeing Bryan?" Rose asked softly.

"Rose..."

"Bryan has been abusing you since you were barely a teenager! That man should be in jail, and I still don't understand why you haven't reported him. His control over your life will never be completely gone until he faces the law." Rose said furiously, and I've never seen her lose her cool, not ever in the four years that I've been seeing her.

I was stunned into, well...silence. Rose was always extremely professional, everything I told her was never taken personally and she never showed any reaction.

At this point I didn't know what to say. She was right, of course she was, but after everything I had been though with Bryan, I just didn't have it in me to fight anymore.

****

"Derek, deeper!" I moaned as he lifted his hips up, pushing himself deeper into my body.

"God, you're so beautiful." He grunted as his hands, rope bound and tied above his hand began to clench showing he was about to come.

"Are you close, Mistress?" Derek said hoarsely as my body slumped on top of his, his hips pushing up harder as he tried for deeper penetration.

"Derek..." I whimpered pathetically, not being able to reach my peak. I knew my therapy session yesterday was bothering me, and sex was not helping me the way it usually did.

"I'm sorry, I won't come." he said, his voice muffled against my neck as his hips began to buck up harder.

"It's okay," I said, lifting my head from his shoulder and lightly kissing his lips, "you can come."

He groaned and his eyes closed his body tensing and finally relaxing, I felt the condom swell and I inwardly winced, hoping it wouldn't break.

I got off him, feeling unsatisfied. My breasts felt heavy and tight and my clit throbbed.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked as I untied his hands and legs. When I nodded he said, "Can I eat you out?"

"No, now get dressed. We have a party to get to." I kissed him softly on the cheek, ignoring the concern on his face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, as he flexed his arms and legs.

"No." 

Clenching my teeth as I left him in the playroom I thought about our relationship. This was sex for me, good sex. I needed a male submissive, and he was perfect . It wasn't football season so even though he had practice sessions regularly, we were able to spend a lot of time together, which was what I needed. I was used to him, what he liked and what he didn't. I didn't have my sadistic urges with Derek, he kept me sane but there was no love, only lust. It was the only thing I was able to give him.

Red....or blue? Or maybe white. I was currently sitting on the love seat in my walk-in closet, staring at my possibilities for what I could wear to the party tonight. Ball, party, get-together, same difference right?

Finally after about and hour of staring off into space I pulled a random dress out. It was the blue-grey lace. It was a smoky color, lace and floor length. It was beautiful; and the same color as my eyes.

After a long hot shower, I put the dress on and slipped on grey, six-inch heels. After applying make-up-a smoky eye with lots of mascara, I curled my hair so that it fell in soft dark waves past my waist, and I was ready.

"Derek!" I yelled as I stepped out of my bedroom.

Derek stepped out of his room, that he stayed part-time in, looking really attractive in a black tux. 

His eyes raked over my body in awe and I gave him a soft smile.

"You look great, baby!" I said walking up to him.

Pulling me to him by my waist, he kissed he hard on my lips. "You look stunning, my love."

My breathing stopped. 

"Derek.....the contract states..." I trailed off.

"I know, no words of love."He responded blandly.

"Derek, you have to understand that I do love you, maybe not in the way you want me to, but I do."

Derek stared at me for a long time, his light green gaze beginning to unnerve me.

Finally he spoke again, "Tonight, I can touch you right?"

"Yes, we're going to be in public, it's perfectly fine." He smiled down at me and I grinned at him.

The drive there wasn't awkward and tense like I thought it would be, but I was caught up in my thoughts. 

I was upset that I would have to let Derek go soon. He slowly was being able to satisfy me less and less, to the point where I didn't even come anymore, and the whole love thing? It wasn't something I could give,not now and maybe not ever.