"There's no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." -Aeschylus

"Down! Balance! Down! Balance!" I stated repeatedly. It's past 4AM and I am already preparing for my morning run. Hindi ako professional runner, but I know a thing or two about it. I just love the sport, nung una isip ko ano ba yan takbo takbo lang, but when I went with a friend who runs mostly sa trail, dun ako na inlove ng bongga sa sport. Sobrang nakakagaan lang ng pakiramdam, it really clears my messy mind, ika nga de stressing activity.

Stretching stretching muna ako dito sa bahay namin sa Nasugbu habang hinihintay kong lumiwanag ng kaunti, ayaw ko na kasing mag dala pa ng headlamps for the trails, eh kung sa road lang sana, okay lang kasi flat surface naman siya. Unlike trail running na uneven ang surface kaya mahirap pag madilim at wala kang headlamps.

Honestly speaking, kaya gusto kong tumakbo ngayon eh dahil kinakabahan ako sa ginagawang pag mamatch making nila mommy, samin ni Matt and running on the trails is a breath of fresh air. Kasi sa totoong lang, nasasakal na ako sa kakapilit nila, wala talaga akong maalala sa tao kaya awkward na makikipagdate ako dito. Pero pinagbigyan ko nalang sila mommy sa gusto nila, para naman makausap ko narin si Matthew and I know napipilitan lang din siya sa mommy niya.

For the first six months after the accident, walang ibang ginawa ang mga family and friends namin kundi ang tulungan kami to remember each other. They showed pictures of us together, our engagement and even narrated how much we loved each other. Sobrang natatawa nga ako sa mga pinakita nila samin ni Matthew, I find it very corny. Kung sila kilig na kilig na, kami naman wala lang poker face lang kasi we don't bother, we don't feel each other, we don't love each other because simply we forget about each other. They even insist na baka bumalik ang memory anytime sooner, so why don't we try to date again. And if ever hindi man, why don't we start from scratch daw?

You know, sobrang hirap ma inlove sa taong hindi mo maalala at hindi maalala ng puso mo. How can we diba? When he is into someone at ako rin ay may nagugustuhang iba.

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Just finished my 10K here in Evercrest trail loop, tamang uphill and descend lang para machallenge ang ating magulong isipan.

Excited akong bumalik ng Manila dahil magkikita kami ng aking bestfriend na kakauwi lang from States at sobrang shookt siya sa sudden turn of events ng buhay ko.

"Are you sure na hindi siya maalala ng puso mo? Kapag ba nakalimot ang isip eh pati narin ang puso?" mahaba niyang tanong sa akin. "Nice, hindi ko rin alam. I don't know because I can't remember." malungkot kong sa sagot sa kanya. "If hindi niyo maalala ang isa't isa bakit hindi kayo magsimula ulit? You know, getting to know each other just like before until mahulog ka ulit sa kanya." panunukso niyang suggestion. "Yun na nga ang problema, we are not into each other this time, she's into you at ako naman may ibang natipuhan. Matthew is so boring, ang sungit niya, ni ngumiti hindi ko nakita yun. Basta basta, wala na talaga, Nice." I told her the truth. "Sus! Sarah Garcia! Kung totoo lahat ng sinasabi mong yan, why are you so bothered about your impending date with him tonight?" dagdag niya pang panunukso.

The afternoon went so fast while we're having fun talking. It's been a long time since our last meeting. Sobrang saya lang na nagkita kami ulit, really some friendships are worth keeping, old but gold.

I'm on my way to the inevitable date night. I'm not really so much in the mood, dagdagan pa ng paglilihim nila mommy kung saan ang venue. Sobra na talaga tong pagmamatch making nila, as if we are dancing in their tune naman. Tonight I will settle the score, this would be the first and the last.

" We are here Maam!" Our driver pulled off. Namangha ako kasi bakit ba naman dito, ang romantic ng place. Hindi ko alam kung saan ito but it's breathtaking, the owner of this place, spared nothing in this garden.

This reminds me a lot of the most picturesque scenery located at the foot of the Alps, it seems that I was taken back to 15th Century Europe, from the classical foliage clipped evergreen oaks and bay laurel hedges which lead the visitors right up to the grand entrance of the house. On the way to the garden, Statues are nestled in the arched openings of tall, glossy hedges and stand sentry paths. There is an old vine clamber across an old metal pergola which is shading the noble bust. On the ground are flowering shrubs and perennials, roses, iris, sedums and hydrangeas are providing color against the verdant backdrop of palms, cypress and clipped topiary and a tranquil pool that reflects surrounding trees and landscape.

The place has spectacular views to a distant mountain, it is the area of the garden that looks directly out to it is purposefully understated with an immaculate open lawn and simple topiary shapes that frame the stunning view.

"Do you like it here?" I glanced at him nodded briefly before focusing my eyes back on the picture perfect view.

"It's perfect, it looks like a 15th Century Italian Garden." I exclaimed, appreciating the view once more before I focused my attention on him.

"Hey!" I said by way of greeting. "Sorry to keep you waiting."

He stared at me boldly running his gaze from head to toe. "I thought you were not coming at all?"

"I nearly stood you up!" I said jokingly, trying to lighten the conversation.

"Thank goodness you decide to take pity." His face draws a sweet smile. This is the first time that I caught him smiling.

"Shall we?" he asked, offering his hand as he led me to the already prepared candle light dining. I sat on the offered chair, while he sat across me. I can't believe this man can be romantic if he wants to.

I am fully aware that his eyes were fixed in my face. "What?" I asked with a smile on my face.

"You look beautiful tonight."

I ignore the slight thud on my heart. "And you're a smooth-tongue devil."

"Ouch! You wounded me." he said giving me a pretending wounded look.

This man is a charmer, I thought to myself. I didn't realize, I became so busy studying his face. He is really handsome in his neatly cropped around ebony hair, V-shaped stubble beard, roman nose, high cheekbones, and of course his bright brown eyes.

"Enjoying what you see?"

I blinked and I swear I can feel the heat in my cheeks. "I am not looking." I fiercely deny.

"If you say so." Giving me a heart warming smile.

I swear, I could hear the beat of my heart. He is really something, he knows how to flirt. I thought this date would be boring to death, but he surprised me tonight with his smile and endless question.

I admit I really am starting to enjoy this date, it is just getting started and this night will be long.

" You know what, I am sorry for being rude for the last few months. It's just the people around me driving me to the edge, and I direct all my anger to you. That was really bad of me." He started.

"I'm Sorry, Sarah." He said snatching my hands.

"I can't really remember us, I tried so hard to remember but to no avail. I know how difficult it feels that everybody is shoving us in each other's nose. I know you don't feel me, you don't like me and you don't love me. I can read through your eyes that there is someone not me in there. And goes the same with me, I have someone else in here." he said apologetically.

"I'm sorry. I really am if only I could just remember. If only just one of us can remember, then maybe this wouldn't be this hard. Fate is just so cruel but no, I am still thankful that we are still alive. If the memory comes back or not it doesn't really matter, we will end up together if we are meant to be together. You know what, don't bother. If you want to date, just go, I can even help you with my best friend." I said boldly then giving him an assuring smile.

"Thanks, Sarah. It means a lot."

"Friends?" I asked him, extending my hand.

"Friends!" he said giggling accepting my offered hand.

Time goes fast when you are having fun and for the first time I did enjoy his company. We might have bid our goodbyes but we promise to become really good friends. I also shared with him that I am leaving the country to continue my M.A abroad. We wished each other well and that we may become successful in our chosen endeavors.

And that was our last meeting. The following week I left for London for my study.

Weeks turn to months, months turn to years.

I haven't heard any about him, no news, literally no trace of him.

A year after...

Umuwi akong Pilipinas dahil summer na at walang pasok. Sobrang namimiss ko na ang warm beaches sa Pilipinas and of course uuwi talaga ako because I am hearing wedding bells for my bestfriend.

Yes, tama kayo. Matthew and Eunice hit it off agad, they were in love kaya nga magpapakasal.

As for us, still no memory. Wala parin talaga.

As for our parents, tinanggap nalang talaga nila ang reality na wala na talagang kami, at cancel ang pagiging magbalae nila.

Wedding Day...

Maaga akong nagising to prepare for the wedding, and I need to be early because I'm the maid of honor. I am wearing a midnight blue elegant dress, subtle makeup and a bright red lipstick. Tamang ganda lang, yung mapapalingon ka lang naman, ang hangin!

"Congratulations Nice! I'm happy for you!" masaya kong bati sa bride to be.

"Are you sure, you are okay with this?" kinakabahan niyang tanong.

"Nice, relax, our time has already passed. Wala na kaming something sa isa't isa. Don't worry about me." sabi ko naman sa kanya with all the assurance para hindi siya mastress, this is her wedding day after all. Masaya dapat lahat, diba?

Nagstart na kaming mag pictorial, una ang bride then with me the maid of honor, then with the bridesmaids. Yung mga kalalakihan eh nasa kabilang hotel din nagpipictorial. Kaya hindi pa kami nagkikita ulit ni Matthew after our last encounter sa dinner namin na yun. Gusto ko lang naman siyang icongratulate pero may time naman para dun later.

Sa Church...

"Great! I'll see you on the enrollment." Enthusiastic kong sagot sa kausap ko sa phone.

"Missed me already, Caro?" dagdag kong pangaasar.

Sasagot pa sana ako sa kabilang linya ng may biglang bumungo sa akin.

"Aray!" napahawak ako sa ulo ko, ang sakit nun ha. Ang tigas naman ng ulo ng nakabanga sa akin.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to..." bungad niya sa akin, nashocked naman eto hindi niya inaasahan na ako pala ang nakabungo niya.

"Sor..." hindi ko na natapos din ang sasabihin ko kasi nagulat din ako sa nakita ko.

"Sarah!" Agad siyang nakarecover from the shock kaya siya ang naunang nakarecognize sa akin.

"It's good to see you." dagdag pa niyang tugon.

"Matthew!" I tried his name on my lips. (Wow ha? may paganyan ka?) sermon ng utak ko.

"Congratulations! Please take good care of my best friend. I wish you both the best!"

"Thanks. I'm glad you came."

"Anytime."

Hindi na nagtagal ang usapan namin kasi magsisimula na kasal.

Nagstart ng maglakad ang ng entourage ng kasal, I am only waiting for my turn.

One, two, three...

After three minutes of waiting eh, sa wakas turn ko narin maglakad sa isle. I don't know but bigla akong kinabahan na as if ako ang ikakasal. The place went blur, ang clear lang sa paningin ko ay yung lalaki na naghihintay sa akin sa altar. He looks so handsome in his tuxedo, his ebony black hair is styled above the forehead, there is a ready smile in his sexy lips, and his bright brown eyes are locked on mine. Tumigil ang mundo ko at that very moment. Natauhan naman ako bigla at agad nagproceed sa assigned seat ko. Weird. Just Weird.

Hindi ko matandaan kung paano nagsimula ang ceremony, basta all I know is ang gulo gulo at ang sakit ng ulo ko ngayon. Wala akong maintindihan, in a total mess ang utak ko ngayon.

Until...

"To My Eunice, I didn't know that on the first day of class on June 8, 2008 that I was hanging around with my person for the first time, but I did know that you are special and that I was thinking about you every single day.

I vow to always encourage you to follow your dream, and will do all that I can to support that dream.

I vow to do everything in my power to make you feel happy and safe.

I vow to love you fiercely until the end of our days.

Forever may seem like a long time, but nothing seems like a long time, when I am with you my love.

To my Eunice, wear this ring as a sign of my everlasting love...

My mind is in total wreck right now, my eyes are dripping with tears as I heard the vows of Matthew. Nag flashback sa akin ang lahat, our first meeting, how I loved him, how he loved me, how he asked me to dance with him, our dreams together, our travel, our date nights, how we build Villa Amore, our engagement, everything bumalik ang lahat sa akin. Para akong nagkaugat sa aking kinatatayuan. I can't move my body, ang sakit ng puso ko, how could I let it happen? I let my best friend marry my fiance. No words can explain how I felt right now, para akong sinaksak ng paulit ulit sa puso, nabibingi ang aking mga tainga sa sakit ng mag exchange sila ng "I dos."

Narinig ko na ipronounce sila as husband and wife. Gusto kong humagolgol sa sakit, pero hindi ko magawa, ayaw kong makuha ng attention ang pag iyak ko, kaya pinilit kong kimkimin ang sakit at pighati na nararamdaman ng aking puso. I let my best friend marry my fiance, in my presence pa mismo. Can you imagine that? I've watched how my fiance kissed my best friend as they shared their first kiss as a married couple at magpa poker face as if wala kang nakita. Kaya niyo ba yon? kasi ako hindi ko alam paano ko kinaya. Wala ng mas sasakit pa yung makita mo ang taong mahal mo na ikasal sa iba, para kang pinatay ng ilang daang beses. Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako magagalit o sinong sisihin ko because I don't have a fucking idea, wala akong maalala. Alam mo un? ang cruel ng fate for us, saka pa niya pinaalala sakin ang lahat on wedding day? Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang gagawin ko. Blanko lahat, utak, puso, my whole being...

Hindi ko na tinapos pa ang wedding ceremony, agad akong umalis the moment I got the chance to leave. I've already made my congratulations to them before nag start so I am done. Sa state kong to ngayon, wala na akong paki sa lahat lahat. Kung mabundol man ako ng mga sasakyan o mamatay nalang para makalimot ako ulit kasi sa situation ko ngayon hindi ko alam paano ko kakalimutan lahat.

The moment I got home, I immediately booked for the next flight to London. Hindi na ako maghihintay ng bukas, I need to leave tonight. Hindi ko kakayanin ang sakit dito. Puny*ta naman kasing buhay to bakit ba to nangyayari sa akin?

Why now? Bakit ngayon pa? Wala na ba diyang mas torture pa kaysa dito?

Masakit man tanggapin, alam kong walang makakasagot ng tanong ko. I just cried the pain hanggang sa makatulog ako sa pagod. Silently hoping na sana panaginip lang ang lahat...

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London...

A month later...

"Knock! Knock! Knock!"

I am having a lazy day when I hear three loud knocks on the door. I am not expecting any visitor today, I wonder who might be this.

"Just a moment."

I almost shouted so the person behind the door could hear.

I stand frozen on the doorstep at the sight of my unexpected guest. I was looking at him keenly, blinking my eyes several times making sure he wasn't just a product of my imagination. I realize he was also staring back while tears are threatening to drip in his eyes.

Uneasiness crept into my spine, I feel agitated at the same time. I do not know if I should send him away or to invite him inside, I chose the latter though and let him in.

He instantly closed our distance and hugged me tightly "I remember everything, I miss you, My Sweetness." All my energy drained in a matter of seconds, and it seemed like I was dragged into another dimension. Why is fate so cruel to us?

I hugged him back with no intentions of letting him go.

"I have remembered everything, all of it, for a long time now. I missed you badly, Sweetheart, that it hurts this much." I cried sobbing in his embrace.

We stayed like that for eternity, never really wanting to let go of each other's arms. A moment where we call it as our own, a love that is us, a world that is ours.

"Why didn't you tell me then?" he asked as he held my face with so much care as if I am the most important treasure that he possesses.

"Why bother when you are already marrie...?

He didn't let me finish and instead silenced me with the most effective way... a kiss.

It was only a brief touching of our lips and an effective way to stop the words in my mouth but way enough to wake the butterflies in my stomach.

I found him staring at my lips long enough and when I glanced at him I saw how his eyes darken with desire. And then I realized that I find myself leaning down to him getting lost in his magnificent eyes.

Our lips met halfway in a passionate kiss with all the sizzling tension surrounding us. Our mouth danced together in rhythm, trying to get better access to one another.

A low moan escaped my lips when his expert hands started to travel upward and stop their exploration just below the swell of my abdomen.

He broke our kiss and stared at me with hellfire still in his eyes. "We need to stop." he said breathlessly resting his forehead on mine, "We need to take this slow..."

I didn't know how it happened or what he did to make me agree...

and...

...that was the start of our affair.

Yes! You heard me right, affair.

I became his other woman, her mistress. Never in my life I imagined myself as a mistress but here I am, stuck on him.

He flies to London every month to meet me and we hop into another country, where we create a world that is our own, just us and nothing more.

That was our set up for the last six months. He managed to sweep off my feet, flowers here and love letters there - sealed with my favourite scent. He is still the same man that I have come to love, consistent, loving and sweet. Matthew never settles for less, he always finds ways to make me happy, from small things to big things, jan talaga siya sobrang consistent.

But...

There is no concealed secret that will not be revealed in a matter of time...

My bestfriend, his wife, Eunice found out about us. Of course, she was so mad, like she wanted to have my head on her plate. She calls me names and that, then what, it was the truth.

But we never broke up, bahalang awayin kami ng sino jan we really don't care, we are consumed and condemned by what we feel.

Kahit ano pang sabihin nila, you can't teach people to do the right thing when they are overwhelmed by what they feel. You are communicating with their head and the heart is tyrant when its owner does not want to listen. Ideas can grow, but it is impossible to plant an emotion, so you can never teach people how to feel.

But sometimes kahit gaano niyong ipilit kung minsan destiny na talaga ang humahadlang.