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Dr. Lamaze leaned back in her chair, "Now, Miss Chapman, Mr. Savage, one of the main things about seeking council is that it should be consensual from all parties. Do either of you feel forced to be here?"

We both shook our heads.

"So was it both of your ideas or was it just one of you?" she asked.

"I wasn't very keen about it ," I said and then dramatically addded, "but Tracy wanted to and I guess I wanted to see how many takes there can be on her sleeping with my brother."

Dr. Lamaze leaned back, nodded and the made a small note in her notepad. Jamie pinched my arm.

Edvin: 1 Jamie: 0

"Miss Chapman, let's start with that since that seems to be the first main issue Louie, oh I'm sorry, Mr. Savage brought up."

"Louie is fine," I said.

"As is Tracy," Jamie drawled. She bit her lip and leaned forward on her chair, "Dr. Lamaze, I was thoroughly, thoroughly..... in a bad place. It all started when I opened Louie's computer to check my mail and... and I found gay porn."

What. The. Fuck.

There was a visible flash of something in the therapist's eyes and she made another note and asked Jamie, "And how did that make you feel?"

I kicked Jamie's shin as she continued, "I was obviously shocked. I didn't know how to handle it. So, I got extremely drunk and Will, well he was the first person there."

"Louie, let's talk about your relationship with your brother."

Jamie: 5 Edvin: 1

"Bill and I-"

"I thought Tracy said 'Will'?" she countered.

"Oh dear, Tracy you sleep with a man and you forget his name, tsk, tsk, that's abominable. Are you sure you don't suffer from memory loss? There has to be a psychological problem for it or is it just being a bitch?"

Dr. Lamaze stopped her pencil, "I'm sorry, who-"

"That's rich, coming from you!" Tracy— Jamie, screeched, "You kissed my best friend!"

"You slept with my brother and then killed my goldfish!"

Dr. Lamaze took her glasses off in horror and then as though she'd regret asking, "Best friend? Goldfish?"

"Oh my god, you're so dramatic, Louie. That was one time."

"One time?" I improvised, "How many of my pets do you have to kill before it becomes worthy of an apology?!"

"Your goldfish died, simply because you didn't take care of it," she huffed and then she added, "I hardly think it has to do with the fact that the electricity went out."

"It was a temperature regulated, you moron! And the electricity didn't go out you plugged out the wire to blow dry your hair!"

"You're calling me a moron?! You just had to go and kiss my best friend. I mean Jamie of all people! I get that she's hot and beautiful and honestly I had a small crush on her in school so I don't blame you but she's my best friend!"

Nah, I can't, I'm genuinely going to start laughing.

"It was spin the bottle, oh my god! And kissing your best friend, who by the way, looks like a small American Neanderthal, wasn't even great. And if you have such a crush on her, why the fuck are you with me?!"

"Huh!" she exclaimed indignantly, a ghost of a smile on her lips, "Don't you dare play the gay card with me!"

"I simply cannot fathom—"

"Stop this right now!" came out an indignant scream.

We both turned at saw Dr. Lamaze, looking so traumatised that I almost felt bad for her. Almost.

She took a deep breath, "There is something that has to be said about tolerance. The reason you have approached me is because we need to sort out your problems—"

I genuinely can't take it anymore. I need to laugh.

But then Jamie will win.

Which can't happen.

"Louie and Tracy, from what I gathered of that argument, you need to communicate the problems in your relationship. Instead of taking out your anger in a violent, impractical way—"

Jamie held my hand under the table and her black painted fingernails dug into my palm. Her and I were in the same state.

"So, now, the main question I want to ask you both is do you actually want to work this out?"

"Yes, of course," said Jamie pretending to be Tracy, "Louie is the love of my life. Even though when he got mad, he crashed my car."

"Crashed your car?!" I yelled.

"Oh! Are you going to deny it? When I slept with Will-"

"Bill," Dr. Lamaze corrected.

"Bill," Jamie screeched, "You sat in my car and then drove it into a pole!"

"I did nothing of the sort!" I exclaimed, sounding extremely miffed, "I just punctured your tire and what you did afterwards to your car is beyond me! And you want to talk about property destruction?! You broke my dorm mates bed."

"I broke his bed?!" she whooped, banging her hand on the armrest of the chair, "We were having sex on it and it broke, you were equally at fault!"

I simply cannot believe we didn't practice this. Pure gold this improv was, pure gold! Never had an acting exercise boosted my serotonin this much.

I snorted, in a pissed off sort of way, "It was your fault. We always have aggressive sex when you piss me off."

"Telling Jenna Jones that your dick—"

HONNKKKK!

We both stopped.

Dr. Lamaze was standing up with a air horn in her hands, definitely questioning her life choices.

"I think, we should do a small exercise. Since talking clearly isn't working."

I sighed, leaning back into the chair.

Dr. Lamaze sat down and put on her spectacles. She quickly made a note in her notepad and gave us both a glance, "Now, I'm going to ask questions. And both of you will answer in a word. Not to each other, but to me. Understood?"

We nodded.

"Louie," she asked, "What is it about Tracy you love the most?"

"Her boobs."

"Aw!" Jamie squeaked, "Thanks, love."

"I meant, personality wise," sighed Dr. Lamaze. Poor lady.

"Um, that she knows how to have a laugh?"

"Good. Good."

"And you, Tracy, how do you feel about Louie?"

"Strongly?"

I almost choked on my spit.

"No," Dr. Lamaze said, looking vexed, "What about Louie's personality?"

She glanced at me, "He's really charming and likeable."

"Very good!" she exclaimed, smiling at us, "Now, how does your relationship with Tracy make you feel overall, Louie?"

Hmmm, let's go with tortured, toxic lovers.

"I can't imagine my life without her, she's everything I want but she makes me feel really angry and stressed. Honestly, she always breaks my heart."

"And you, Tracy?"

"I feel the exact same way," Jamie said, "Like, there is just always something he does to y'know, break me."

Dr. Lamaze made notes.

"Is there anything you want to say to Louie, Tracy? Something you want to confess or get off your chest?"

"Yes," nodded Jamie, "I'm pregnant."

I gasped, "You're joking!"

Dr. Lamaze looked like she was about to pass out, "Um.....uh, oh, um, Louie, do you have anything you want to confess to Tracy?"

"Yeah. I'm gay."

"What?!"

And this wasn't Jamie. It was Dr. Lamaze.

"That's fine with me," piped Jamie, "I'm an ally."

Dr. Lamaze took a deep breath and leaned forward, "Tracy, darling, the man whose baby you're carrying just told you he's gay."

"Oh the baby's not his. It's his brothers."

And that ladies and gentlemen, is the ball game.

The alarm clock rang and Jamie and I shot up from our seats. Dr. Lamaze looked like she was about to book a therapy session of her own.

"Okay, well," she said, "Um, if you both need to continue this, might I suggest someone more qualified?"

Jamie looked at me and her eyes were screaming "HELP".

I smiled, "I'm sure we're sorted, isn't that right....pumpkin?"

Jamie nodded, "Yes, honey. This session was so helpful, thank you, Dr. Lamaze."

She looked at us.

She looked down at the notepad.

She looked at us again and then strangled out, "Have a good day?"

And with that Jamie and I positively ran out of the overly decorated room. And we were laughing. We were laughing and running till we reached the end of the building and got out. The minute we were, Jamie went and lied down in the snow, hooting from laughter.

I, myself, was shaking and my eyes were tearing up.

I can't believe we just did that.

Oh my god.

And I was laughing again, plopping down in the snow right beside her.

My cheeks were hurting, my stomach was aching and I felt like I was about to throw up.

God, I felt alive.

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