No one bothers me during the drive after I say my peace. I'm thankful because I just need to be left alone right now. I'm feeling everything and nothing all at once. It feels like I'm heading down this rabbit hole of self pity and loathing.

I'm thinking about my mom dying in the living room and my dad walking out of the front door when we needed him the most. I'm thinking about struggling through grade school while Cassidy figured out how to balance her life and the lives of two other people she was responsible for... and then I'm thinking about them.

Because everything in my life leads to them. They saved me and they gave me my childhood back. Why wasn't I enough for them?

I wipe the tears that have started to fall. I don't want to fucking cry anymore. My head hurts and I want to cuddle into Trevor and let him kiss it better. More tears slip. They are my safety. They are the only safety I know besides my sister and Carter and they are hours away from me. I'm going to have to go home. I can't do this by myself. I thought I could, but it hurts too much.

I will get through the next two weeks of school and then when we go home for Spring Break I won't return. I'll go to school close to home and live with Cassidy, or if they don't want me either I'll live with friends from high school. Did I really have friends though? Did people know my boys weren't loyal to me? Was I just placated like the child I was while the boys who were supposed to care for me snuck around behind my back?

The pain throbs in my chest. We were together so often. There had to have been days they spent with me then slept in someone else's bed. I feel out of control. Like I don't know which way I'm headed or which way I came from. They were my center how the fuck am I supposed to figure out north from here.

We finally arrive at the dorms. I grab my bag from Liam and head towards my building. Bash follows. I think they send him because he's the sweetest. He's my emotional weakness. If I were to cave for anyone right now it would be my bashful boy. That's why he can't walk me into this building. I stop right before I put my hand to the door and turn to him.

"Thank you for walking me, but I'd prefer it if you didn't come in."

I'm being polite. I said things out of anger last night that I maybe shouldn't have, but I need to think my words through now. I need to act like the adult I am.

"Lover I'm so sorry. It feels like my heart is breaking right now. Please just let me hold you. Please Mia." He sniffles and I worry he's going to cry and then I won't be able to say no. I rip the door open.

"No Sebastian. Go home."

I shut the door and head to my room. It was harder then I thought to leave Bash at the door. I wanted so badly to allow him into my room so he could hold me. I just want to be held. I feel so cold and I just want the warmth again.

I break down and call Cassidy. I thought I was strong enough to shoulder this in my own, but I'm not. By the time I'm done word vomiting everything out, every detail, even ones I should have kept to myself.. Cassidy is crying with me. Midway through the call Carter left and he hasn't come back. He's probably disappointed in the boys, or maybe he's disappointed in me? Does he think it's my fault they weren't faithful?

Cassidy says everything that I needed to hear from her. She tells me my actions were justified and nothing I said to them was anything but truth. She tells me I'm stronger then this and I can't come home without seeing this first year of college through or I'll regret it. She tells me I'm worth more and I deserve better. I end the call and I feel better. I feel supported and like I'm not drowning alone.

A week goes by and I still can't take a full breath. The pain is still sharp and fresh. I see the boys when they walk me to and from class, but I don't acknowledge their begging and their excuses. I don't want to ask a guard to walk me because I still feel uncomfortable about Drew so I suffer through seeing them. Every night someone knocks on my balcony window and every night I turn the light off and ignore them. Every day I get countless calls and chats and every day I silence them and turn my vidscreen off.

I talk to Cassidy, Ella and Carter everyday. He doesn't seem upset with me, which is a relief. I see the girls from my classes and they attempt to cheer me up with girl talk and ice cream. It works temporarily. By the end of the week I feel better. Stronger. Like I could survive this without them.

When I see them my feelings of strength change. I feel longing and the anger and hurt comes back to hit me hard. The need to touch one of them or allow them to hold my hand or hug me is so strong I have to hold my shorts at my thighs. I don't trust myself not to reach out to feel their skin against mine.

Another week goes by. A male starts making small talk with me in one of my classes. I'm polite and engage back and wonder if he noticed the change with my boys? Is he interested in me, or just being polite? He's cute, but I've never really seen anyone else besides my three. I agree to meet him for coffee when we get back from break because a part of me wants to feel any other emotion then what I am now.

The drive home is going to be painfully quiet. We leave tomorrow and we are home for four days before the twins have to be back for work. Carter demanded he pick me up and bring me home so I could stay for the whole week. I declined and said I'd be fine. I don't want to show weakness. I've had countless hours to myself to think about what I'm doing here and where I'm going.

I wanted to be independent and prove myself and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be polite to the guys and I'm not going to inconvenience my family with my drama. This was my fault. I don't blame myself for the actions of others, but I blame myself for the inability to keep us together. Maybe there were signs I should have seen? Signs telling me the males were unhappy and seeking someone else? I should have been enough. If I was enough this wouldn't have even happened to begin with.

It's fairly common for men to be virgins when they enter a network. There are many men who prefer to save themselves so they belong to one women and one only their entire life and there are many women who demand that. I see the romance in that now and wonder why I didn't deserve that?

The drive is as miserable as I thought. Each man takes turns trying to speak to me and I politely answer and then stick my headphones back in. When we pull into my drive way Cassidy and Ella are both there. I am out of the car and running at them quicker then I realized. They both catch me and I fall apart. I just wanted to be held so badly. I just really needed a hug and now I can't control my emotions again.

I hear someone set my bag down near us and then Carter comes out from the garage.

"Leave." He barks. I hear the boys drive away before picking my head up off of Cassidy's shoulders.

"It's really good to be home." I say with a watery smile.