my day goes by in a complete and utter blur as I sink into my thoughts. They don't seem to go away. They just sit and brew, and I can't stop them. They feel sticky on my skin as I twist in my seat, opening the cabinet behind my desk to grab my bag. I'm about to stand when my phone screen lights up, and for a second, I let my heart leap with the hope that I'll find Luke's name on the screen.

There's a part of me that thinks the space between our last phone call and now means something, but it's just my thoughts spiraling. The kind of thoughts that I let myself get overwhelmed by. The kind that keep me awake at night.

When I reach for the phone, I don't find Luke's name. I find Wren's name instead, and that small ounce of hope I had diminishes as I bring it up to my ear as I answer.

"Hi Wren," I say with a small smile as I lean back in my chair. "Happy packing?"

His laugh fills my ear as I stir in my seat. "Funny," he says. "Remind me again why I agreed to do this? Moving across the country is a lot of work."

"I think you'll make it work, Dr. Wheeler," I tell him.

"Yeah, I doubt that," he says, "but speaking of packing, I was wondering how up to coming over and helping you are. I'll feed you."

My lips curl up as I move to stand up. "I'll be over in just a bit."

"I'll order the pizza."

"I'll see you soon," I tell him before ending the call. My gaze lingers on the screen as I contemplate trying to call Luke, the fear of it going to voicemail like last time filling me with dread. It already feels like we're closing ourselves off, but I immediately have to remind myself it's not true. He's busy. I knew he was going to be busy. I knew this was going to be hard.

But that was all before.

I didn't have to actually deal with it. It was a distant thought that quickly became my reality, and I have to face it. I have no choice but to make this work. I will make it work. I have to because I want Luke in my future. I don't see one without him. I don't know when it shifted and when my future of independence changed to one with a partner, but it happened and I don't know how to not want it now.

When I reach Wren and Layla's apartment, which is only a few blocks over from my office building, I'm met with the warmth of my brother's smile when he opens the door. "Hey," he says. "Right on time. Pizza just got here."

"Cool," I say as he crosses the living room to the kitchen as I shut the door behind me. I lean down to unzip my boots before setting my bag and coat on the couch.

"Did you want something to drink?" Wren calls from the living room.

"Sure," I say as I lean onto the couch cushions, shutting my eye as the clip in my hair presses against the back of the couch and into my head. "Where's Layla?" I ask.

"Water, okay?" he asks as he steps out with two bottles of water. "She's spending some time with her sisters before we head out next week."

"Water's fine," I say and take the extended bottle as he props open the pizza box, pulling a slice onto the plate set on the coffee table. He picks it up and offers it to me, before doing the same with the other plate for himself. "Are you excited about Arizona?"

"Yeah, actually," he says with the nod of his head. "I mean, I hate this part." He gestures around the room to the open boxes scattered around. "But it's going to be really great. I get to work with some of the best cardiothoracic surgeons in the world and we've got a really great house lined up. Lots of space for the future, and we even have a great spare room for you and Luke to come visit us once we get settled."

I nod, but the thought of visiting them with Luke seems dim. "It might just be me, but I'm glad you're excited, Wren. It's going to be great for you."

He cocks an eyebrow in question. "Did something happen with Luke?"

"He's in Los Angeles." I swallow as rest the plate on my thigh.

"For how long?"

"Indefinitely," I say. "He got a record deal, and they wanted him there full-time."

"How are you doing?" he asks.

I sigh as I lean back again. "I'm struggling, Wren," I admit. "We haven't even been together that long, but I miss him so much and I don't know what to do."

"But you're going to try long distance?"

I nod. "It feels hopeless."

"That's very cynical coming from a romance editor," he says with a laugh. "Aren't you supposed to be a hopeless romantic or something?"

"They aren't real," I mutter, because even though I breathe them in and feel them in every inch of my skin, I know they aren't reality. Things are less complicated when they're fictional, even if they hurt. "How did you know Arizona was the right choice?" I ask.

"I'll never know if I don't at least give it a shot, you know?" he says. "It may be the worst mistake of my life, but there's a chance it'll be the best and that seems worth it. The only thing that would have kept me here is Layla, but she wanted me to have this chance. She was willing to risk it with me."

I chew my bottom lip as I meet his eyes. He knows I'm not asking because of him. I'm asking for the battle going on in my head. "He asked if I'd consider moving there with him," I whisper. "And I just... I don't know how to give up everything for him."

"You'd have him."

"Yeah, but what about Maggie and Zane? What about my job?" I ask. "How do I just... give that up?."

"It's just a job. You can get another, and we both know your friendship with Maggie and Zane is never going anywhere," he says. "Even if you're across the country, and at the end of the day, they aren't going to be your everyday people forever, Em. In a few years, they could have a family and then you'll be lucky if you have the chance to see them once a week. Luke, however, he might be your everyday person."

I eye him cautiously. "What if he's like Charlie?" I whisper my question. In the back of my mind, that's what I fear the most. I give up everything to be with Luke, and he becomes another Charlie. I'd be lost again, scratching to find myself in all the broken pieces.

"He's not Charlie. I saw the way he looked at you at Christmas. He adores you, Em," Wren says. "Don't let your fear hold you back."

• • •

Wren's words linger over me the rest of the night as I help him pack up his life to move across the country. He makes it seem so easy. Just packing everything he owns and leaving everything he knows behind. I wish it was that simple. I wish it wasn't this big life altering decision for me.

I wish I could simply just jump.

Before I head home, I promise to be back on the weekend to help with packing the rest of their things and commit to our last family dinner for a while. I never thought I'd see Wren anywhere but New York. It was one of the few things we shared. Our love for this city. For the way it enriched out bones with joy.

I was naïve to think that it was still the same as when we were kids. It changed the second Wren found Layla, and then suddenly, a place could never fill that void of home. His home stopped being a place when it became her, and maybe that's why it's so easy for him. To move from the only place he's ever known, to somewhere completely unknown.

It leaves me free falling as I step into the elevator. I lean into the back wall and cast my gaze downward, studying the floor like it will somehow change. When the doors slide open, part of my heart cracks knowing I won't ever see Luke in his apartment again. He won't ever linger in the hallway, waiting for me.

Then I see the mop of dirty blond hair standing outside apartment 4B and for a second, my heart stops beating and before I can stop myself, his name is falling from my lips. "Luke?"

He turns and lifts his head, but I don't find Luke's warm hazel eyes. I find a pair of dark brown, almost black eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. He straightens his stance at the sight of me, pulling his key from Luke's door.

"I'm sorry," I say and bring my hand up to my chest as my heart starts to beat again. "You, uh, you're not Luke."

"Afraid not," he says with a chuckle as he steps towards me, extending his hand out to me. "Donavon," he says. "I just moved in. I'm subletting."

I nod. "Right," I say. "I knew that."

"Do you live on this floor?"

"Yeah, 4A," I say and point to my door, directly across from his. "I'm Emery."

"Emery," he says, almost like he's testing it out. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too," I say with a weak smile as I dig through my bag for my keys, pressing my thumb into the cut of the key. "Welcome to the building."

"I'll see you around, 4A."

The keys nearly tumble from my fingers at the use of Luke's nickname. It feels wrong hearing it from someone else's mouth, and it leaves me with an ache as I gather my composure. I offer Donavon another smile as I push my keys into the deadbolt, unlocking the door. My heart feels numb as I yank the key out of the door and shut the door quietly as I lean into the door.

My heart sinks to the bottom of my chest as I press my forehead against the wood. I thought I was okay. I thought I could be okay without Luke here, but the longer he's gone, the harder it is to avoid the truth. I'm a mess without him.