home is so quiet that I'm stuck playing this morning over and over again in my head until I'm dizzy. I want so badly for him to not affect me. I don't want to be another one of the girls he has over and never speaks to again, except it'll be worse, because we have no choice but to see each other. I'll never be able to escape him.

When the conductor calls my stop, I get up and wait for the train to slow before the doors open. My heels clicking on the dirty tiles as I make my way towards the stairs. And when I reach the surface of the city again, I make a quick stop at the store on the way to my apartment, grabbing a box of mac and cheese off the shelf in desperate need of comfort food even if it's not as good as the homemade stuff.

I tuck the box under my arm when I step back onto the sidewalk, fishing my phone out of my pant pocket as I walk the rest of the way to my building. The wind hits my skin, instantly chilling my bones as I text Maggie that I've made it home okay and tuck it back into my pocket as I reach the door at the same time as a scuffed up pair of black boots do.

"Fancy seeing you here."

I look up at the sound of his voice as he takes a few of the steps ahead of me and opens the building door, holding it for me to step inside before him. "Luke," I say, swallowing his name like a pill.

"How was the rest of work?" he asks, his lips creeping up into a smile as he steps into the apartment lobby behind me. I chew my lip as I reach for the elevator button, silently cursing my luck out as I try to put as much space between us.

"It was fine."

"Just fine?" he asks, stopping next to me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the teasing look in his eyes as he tucks his hands into the deep pocket of his jeans. "Yes, it wasn't anything exciting."

"I thought you loved your job."

I roll my eyes as the elevator doors open, Luke taking the first step in and when he turns around, I realize I haven't moved from my spot. My stomach knots at the weight of his heavy gaze, the gold hues burning my skin. I had hoped I wouldn't have to see Luke until much later, but now he's here and it's like I can't breathe.

"Are you coming, 4A?" he asks, holding his hand over the door when I make no effort to move from my spot. "Emery?" he says my name when I don't acknowledge his question.

"Sorry." I swallow, grabbing my box of mac and cheese from under my arm. "I think I'll take the stairs," I say, but don't uproot my feet to do it.

"Why?"

I shrug. "Why not?"

"Get in the elevator," he says, waving for me to come in, but the thought of being stuck in a small space with him for even a few seconds has me dizzy. "Emery."

"The power could go out again."

"Seems unlikely," he says, crossing his arms over his chest, "but okay."

I roll my eyes and finally work the courage up to step onto the elevator. "Fine."

"You're so melodramatic, 4A."

"Okay," I say and lean into the wall, gripping the box between my hands.

"Is that what you're having for dinner?" he asks, his eyes moving to the box between my hands before landing on my face as he lifts an eyebrow.

"Don't judge me," I say, lifting my finger at him. "It's been a hard day."

"Did something happen?"

I lift my eyes to look at him and hold my tongue before showing too much of my heart, in desperate need of keeping my composure around him. "It doesn't matter."

"It does if it's bothering you," he argues.

"It's a good thing that we aren't actually friends then," I say as the elevator opens to our floor and make my way towards my door as Luke follows with a stupid smile on his face.

"You don't think we're friends?"

"We aren't," I say as I dig my keys out.

"Whatever you say, 4A," he says and stops at his door. "Should I be expecting you for another late night rendezvous?"

A sharp laugh falls from my lips as I push my key into the lock. "You wish."

"How'd you know?" he asks and my entire body tenses when I feel his breath on my skin. "Have a good night," he says when he's satisfied with my reaction, leaving me in the hallway alone as he opens his door and steps inside his apartment.

I stand staring at my key in the lock, unable to move as I catch my breath. Squeezing my eyes shut, I lean my forehead against the solid wood of my door and let out a louder groan than intended. My skin crawling as I turn the key in the deadbolt before turning the knob and stepping inside, feeling completely out of my element as I drop my bag and keys on the island.

There's a pit in the bottom of my stomach as I slowly approach my kitchen, opening the bottom drawer of my oven for a small pot. I fill it up with water before putting it on the burner to boil and slip into my room, changing into a pair of sweats. I put my clothes back in their place, hugging the knit cardigan tightly around my cropped bra top as I move back to the kitchen to make dinner. The water boils as I pour the noodles in, setting the cheese packet to the side before grabbing the milk and butter from the fridge.

When it's finished cooking, I pour the contents into a bowl and set the dirty pot in the sink, filling it up with water. Grabbing a fork, I move toward my couch, stopping briefly to pick my next read off the wall of bookshelves. Once I have a book in hand, I sink onto the comfy olive-colored couch and bring my knees up to my chest. The processed and artificial flavors hitting just the right spot as I smooth the book over my leg, opening to the first chapter.

I thought I had everything figured out when it came to him and it wasn't until he walked out of my life that I realized how sorely mistaken I had been. There wasn't a single thing I knew about him that was true. He was impractical. He was reckless. He was impenetrable.

The moment I realized left me devastated and there was no one to blame but myself, because I did this. I made him into someone he wasn't, because it made me feel better. He was nothing like the image I made him out to be in my mind. But even then, even knowing that he was nothing like I imagined, I can't help but feel cold knowing I will never be whole without him. He was my warmth.

He entered my life at the right time, even if he wasn't exactly what I thought he'd be. It didn't matter because he became more than just a person to me. He became a safe place.

And if I could bottle up that feeling to use only when I truly needed it, I would. I'd save it and hold on to it forever because it's the one thing I've been searching for my whole life. I found it in the most unlikely of places and now that I know it exists; I don't know how to let go of it.

Even if we're impossible. Even if we're an out-of-control wildfire.

Even if I can't have him..

I'll just have to be okay with loving him from a distance.

My heart aches as I continue reading the distant love story, getting lost in a life that isn't my own. Their world made up of one person. And as I read, I wonder if that's even something I want or if it's the furthest thing from it. After Charlie, it feels like I would be going backwards instead of forward. I want to focus on me and my needs because I spent so long sacrificing my happiness for someone else, and when I finally freed myself of that, I promised to never go back.

And then Luke creeps back into my thoughts.

My success and ambition were always a problem for Charlie. The thought that I might be more successful than him was the worst thing imaginable. When I had one success, he had to have two to prove he was better than me, but with Luke, the look on his face when he told me my success was sexy made me actually believe it was the truth.

He really meant it.

It scares me more than it should and after reading the same page five times; I let out a frustrated groan and set the book on the couch next to me. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get him out of my head as I get up and move back into the kitchen. Filling the sink up with warm soapy water, I wash my dishes, hoping it'll let my distracted thoughts drift anywhere else.

And somehow, it seems to have the opposite effect as I lean onto my elbows and squeeze my eyes shut tightly. My thoughts drifting between last night and this morning, and when I finally can't take anymore, I move to my door and step into the hall. Without a second thought, I rap my knuckles against his door and take a step backwards. The moment I realize what I've done, my stomach tightens and I take a step back towards my door, ready to run.

"You know when I asked if I should expect you I was kidding," Luke says when he opens the door and sees me as he leans into the door frame.

Groaning, I turn to face him. "Are you enjoying this?"

"I don't know," he says as he crosses his arms over his chest. "What exactly is it I'm supposed to be enjoying?"

"You're insufferable, you know that?" I ask. "You walk around without a care in the world and you say things that... that–"

"That what?"

I meet his eyes and my heart settles. "You say and do things to purposely get in other's heads."

"Like?"

"Like..." I trail off in frustration before groaning. "Like saying that you think my success is sexy and kissing me in front of Charlie! What the hell was that about?"

"Well, 4A, that's because you are incredibly sexy," he says and his lips curl into a smirk. "And I kissed you because I wanted to."

"Bullshit!"

He doesn't say anything this time, instead smiling at me in the boyish way he does and I can't help the way my heart flutters at the look. A feeling I've longed to ignore, and now can't seem to avoid.

"Stop doing that!"

This only makes him smile more. "Stop doing what?"

"Looking at me like that," I say. "You... you can't look at me like that."

He unfolds his arms, pressing his forearm into the doorframe as he leans towards me. "Why not?"

Holding his gaze, I hold my breath before letting it go and with it; I let go of the war going on in my head. I let myself stop thinking and let myself have one more night of stupidity as I step toward him, my arms moving around his neck as I find his lips again. And for a single second, I fear I've made a huge mistake, but then his arms move around my waist as he brings me close to his chest and that fear slips away as we stumble back into his apartment.