I heard the front door being unlocked, the handle turning and heavy footsteps coming into the hall.

He was home.

Michael was home.

I tried to keep my head straight as his tanned face appeared through the dining room door. I smiled at him as he walked over.

This was something I had grown to be very good at, smiling. I could make myself seem happy, content, entertained, amused, loving by just manipulating the muscles of my face.

Michael was now right in front of me, his arms out as I leaned forward to hug him. He pressed his lips to mine. I hated him most for this. Even after all he's done, he just kisses me as if nothing is in the way.

Of course I went along, how could I not? He was hot, that I knew. He was strong, I'd lost track of the amount of times he had proved that.

After a disgusting few minutes of Michael sucking at my face, and probing his tongue around in my mouth, his hands roaming my body against my will, he eventually sat down at the table and ate the lasagne I had set out for him.

I went back to the kitchen to escape the sounds of my boyfriend chewing. I pulled my phone from my back pocket, seeing I had several unread messages.

They were from the guys I met yesterday. I had been added to a chat last night. It must have been after I went to bed. I felt so left out seeing they had Skyped again without me, I couldn't help it.

I started to text Joe back. He had sent me a message earlier, just saying "Hi Beth. I think I added you to our group chat but I just wanted to check I had the right number"

I replied with a "Hey joe its me"

Almost immediately he replied.

🐱: Oh good

🐱: You'll never guess what happened this morning

🐥: What?

🐱: At the bus stop Netty and I met Salem and Amy!

🐥: Wow really!?

🐱: Yeah. Then at lunch we found Tom and David at a little café

🐥: Sorry I couldn't speak last night I went to bed early

🐱: Very smart

🐱: Don't tell Netty, but i know she has a crush on Tom

🐥: Juicey gossip!!

🐱: Are u free? So we can Skype again

🐥: No sorry my boyfriend just got home. Maybe tomorrow?

🐱: Oh ok :)

🐥: Sorry again

🐱: I can wait.

During our lengthy conversation yesterday, Joe and I had become friends. He was the mysterious one.

I felt like I could speak to that face all day, almost as if I had.

Then, I felt something hit the back of my head, knocking me to the floor.

"What the hell do you think you're doing !?" Michael yelled at me from above. "Who were you talking to!?"

What followed was to be expected.

He started to kick me on the floor, shouting things I tried not to listen to.

That night, I struggled out of Michael's house, trying to contain my tears until I got to my room. I went to the bush next to his back door, and managed to get my coat without falling over.

I hate this.

I hate him.

I hate myself.

My legs were numb from the cold, Autumn air, and also probably from the lack of blood flowing to them.

Tripping and stumbling, I made it around the side of his house, and then into my drive way.

Things were flowing into my head from places I couldn't identify.

Worthless.

Fat.

Unnecessary.

Alone.

Bitch.

Ugly.

I closed my eyes shut, crying and crying as I stood still at my front door.

I need help. Please. This is killing me.

My numb hands fumbled with my keys, unlocking the front door. Andy's coat hung up on the wall, so I knew he was home.

As silently as possible, I tiptoed up the stairs, slowly. I didn't trust my legs in this state to carry me anywhere with speed.

And I really shouldn't have.

I quickened my pace when I heard footsteps downstairs, which resulted in me tripping because of my bulbous, burning ankle.

"Beth? Beth!" Andy's voice came towards me as I sobbed into my hand, lying at the top of the stairs. Muttering something, he picked me up and took me into my bedroom, laying me down on my soft bed.

I curled up into a tight ball, wishing that this was all a dream.

But I knew it wasn't. Dreams don't hurt so much.

It was painful to even open my eyes, so I just didn't.

"Right, Beth, put these clothes, I'll be back in five minutes." My brother said setting down a pile of clothes beside me.

He's not really your brother. You don't have any really family.

Andy left, so I hauled my body up and got dressed into the black leggings, white t-shirt and grey hoodie he had given me, along with some warm socks and my trainers.

He came back in, as promised, five minutes later. He looked me up and down, his eyes full of grief, pity and... Guilt?

"Come on, I've made you some toast and tea," I tried to thank him, but found my breathing was too raspy and forced to speak.

He helped me down the stairs, into the kitchen and to the chair that was filled out from the table.

I ate, it took me long enough, but I did it.

My ankle was throbbing, as was my hip. My mind was a torrent of thoughts, memories and emotions.

I shouldn't be doing this. I can't cope. This isn't what I deserve. Maybe it is. Maybe I deserve the pain and hurt and hate...

Andy gave me my phone, snapping me out of my thoughts, and lead me out to his car.

"No, I'm okay... I don't need medical help," I tried to convince him, but he ignored me, sitting me down in the front passenger seat. Andy ran around to the right hand side of the car, and got into the driver's seat.

"I'm taking you to A&E , Beth. And don't even bother making up a lie about what happened, I'm not stupid," Andy said as his car chugged to life, and he started down the road to the town

I leaned against the window, closed my eyes and forced myself to relax.

But then I realised, forcing relaxation doesn't work...

I just sighed instead, and enjoyed the calming way in which my breath flowed from my lungs.

This is as close to relaxing as I can get, so I should relish it...

14/3/2016