Yaoyorozu made him a mug, free of charge. It's a pale blue with a blue Rindou on it, because his mom likes those flowers and Shouto doesn't know anything else about her.

He wrapped the gifts with wrapping paper from Iida, because it was more traditional than the tacky Christmas comic paper Sero and Kaminari are sharing. So the fruit candies he got for Natsuo (because he doesn't know anything about him, either, and he had to ask Fuyumi for an idea) are wrapped in red and green plaid paper. The chapstick is also wrapped, Ashido taught him how to make a little bag out of wrapping paper, and how to close it off with tape.

Between it all, he takes the painkillers. Interacting with everyone is taking energy and with a lack of energy comes the headaches, and he's taking these stupid pink pills every day and it's so tiring to think about and when he doesn't take them he can't get out of bed and...

Shouto doesn't like this break.

Shouto doesn't like Christmas. He doesn't like Winter like he used to, because his mom hasn't sung those cheery carols to him (in whispered tones, because Endeavor hated when she rotted Shouto's brain with any sort of maternal bond) in eleven years, and Shouto can't remember what her voice sounds like when she sings.

He's never had presents before, because out of all the things they could sneak into that house, objects were rarely one. Just the singing - rushed and whispered, panic in each verse. Onigiri in the shape of a Christmas tree, sloppily put together because what if Endeavor found out, and what if momma got hurt? Stories, his mother's past Christmas's laid out before him in hushed words, mocking him over the fact that he'd never get those kinds of memories.

He remembers sitting in the cold every year since he turned four, melting all of the snow in the courtyard because Endeavor had told him to, and Endeavor rules all. It didn't matter if there was a foot of snow or more, Shouto would stick his left arm out and evaporate the frozen water. It didn't matter when he cried, and his quirk wouldn't work with him because he had gotten it a month prior, and it was the coldest month he'd experienced.

It didn't matter when his eye was heavily bandaged, and the tears wouldn't even come.

It didn't matter when Fuyumi left, and Natsuo spent more and more time away from home. When Shouto was left completely alone with no hero to call his own. Just the fake one who slept down the hall from him.

The snow would eventually melt, and Shouto could come inside, then. He did this every year, and so he does not remember anything else.

"Todoroki! Put this on and take a picture with us!"

A hat is thrown on his head, red and white just like his hair. The force of the hand which threw it on, jolts his head, and his headache has returned despite taking the painkillers just forty minutes ago.

A phone camera clicks, and Hagakure and Ashido move on to their next victim.

"You feeling alright, man?" Kirishima's voice bursts through the haze of numb pain. "You look more tired than usual."

Shouto nods, stirring the eggs Bakugo directed him to, because they're friends and apparently, friends cook together.

"I'm fine, didn't sleep that well last night."

"If I may," Iida interjects, and Shouto kind of wants to tell him to butt out. "Sleep should be one of your top priorities. If you're having issues, perhaps heading to bed earlier in the evening would be ideal for-"

"Shut up, four eyes," comes that oddly relieving voice. "I can't cook when you're bothering my assistant."

"You guys are totally friends," Uraraka sits down at a stool on the opposite side of the counter, a juice box in hand. "You've never let anyone else help you in there."

"You snapped at me for being in the kitchen while you were in the kitchen, before," Jirou also sits down, and it's getting crowded too quickly. "Todoroki must be your best friend, he's not even getting yelled at."

"That's because he listens when I tell him to do something." Bakugo looks over Shouto's shoulders, judging the way he's whisking the eggs. "Even if he does it shittily."

Kirishima raises his hand, "We've cooked together before! We made dinner for the class that one night. I think it was fried rice."

"Did everyone miss the part when I said to shut the hell up? I don't want to hear you and IcyHot doesn't either. Take a hint."

Shouto wants to counter with something nice, but he pretends he doesn't hear what's going on around him. Hearing his own voice in his head sounds loud, and the sink is running somewhere behind him, the shuffling of clothing and wrapping paper are loud.

It's hot, too. It's a sweltering, sticky heat that he recognizes as his quirk. It's radiating out from his body and the cold in his body is trying to combat it, trying to fix whatever is going on (because it's his quirk, not father's. His quirk is trying to fix him, no matter how impossible that is) but it's turned into a fight of two extremes, numbing each other down below outside detection.

He must be shaking too hard, because Bakugo tells him to leave, after the eggs are on the counter and ready to be cooked. Shouto isn't quite sure, but he thinks he sees concern in those furrowed brows. He ignores it.

It's cool, up on his balcony. Because the snow is there, unmelted by fire. There are many smells in the air, each dorm making breakfast for their classes. He smells familiar smoke, someone's not going to be eating a nice meal, because fire destroys everything it touches.

Shouto is too hot to just stand there. Despite the chilly breeze, he's still sweating. And so, he drops down slowly, letting his back touch the snow and listening to the hiss of steam as his skin melts it. It's unintentional, he doesn't mean to and he doesn't want to. But it feels nice, and Shouto is too uncomfortable any other way.

His phone rings, ruining that comfort.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Shouto! How's your morning been?"

Shouto moves his back around in the snow, settling in. "It's been fine," he lies, not stating how uncomfortable he's been since he woke up from a two-hour rest.

"Did you eat? You sound hungry..."

"I did," he lies again, because he does not plan on eating.

She sounds skeptical, "Alright. Well, I called to tell you that we're meeting up tomorrow, so you should come home tonight."

Shouto stays completely relaxed, but stifles a groan. "I don't want to sleep there."

She doesn't stifle her groan, making her disappointment known. "Shouto, why not?"

"I get nightmares in my room," he says, and it comes out without his permission. "I... uh... I mean... I don't. It's just boring over there."

"Shouto," she ignores the nightmare comment, because it's not perfect behavior. And just like Endeavor, Fuyumi seeks perfection within Shouto. "It's gonna be your first real Christmas. You're gonna be stuck at the dorms, so I thought we could have an early Christmas."

Shouto turns, letting his cheek rest in the cold snow. His skin melts it with its unnatural heat, and it hits the cold concrete of the balcony. "I'll talk to Natsu. Maybe he can pick me up in the morning."

"He's already gonna be out with some friends, he's trying to avoid coming home just like you," she accuses, "But he's coming home by nine tomorrow and he says he'll stay as long as you do."

"That wouldn't-"

"It would make Dad really, really happy, Shouto," she pleads, manipulation leaking through the speaker on his phone.

Why should he care about Endeavor's happiness? Why, when Endeavor never cared for his?

"Okay," he says, because Endeavor's happiness directly correlates with Fuyumi's. And if Shouto makes Fuyumi cry, he's no better than their father.

To add icing onto this spoiled, rotten cake, Shouto speaks again. "Can you pick me up at 7:00?" He lets false excitement fall into his tone, because Fuyumi deserves this.

"I'm actually making dinner right now, before tomorrow so I can have fun with you guys. It's gonna take a while. Dad's driver is spending time with his family... so-"

"It's fine. I'll still go," he says, despite the fact that the ride there might be worse than the arrival. "Endeavor can drive me."

"Shouto, thank you," she says seriously, tone deeper than before. "I really appreciate you trying."

Shouto does not feel anything. "Okay."

"I'm gonna go, now, I'll call dad and ask about that. Have fun, Shouto."

Shouto stares at the snow laying inches from his eyes, melting under his unintended heat. "You too."

Fuyumi hangs up, which isn't common. Shouto usually does, but he must've laid around too long even for Fuyumi.

He sits there for an unknown amount of time. He needs to pack an overnight bag, he should remember his water bottle, so he won't have to get up in the middle of the night.

He doesn't think anymore on the subject. Midoriya said not to do anything he'll regret. And Shouto is too close to the edge of the balcony to be thinking of stressful subjects.

After a while, he stands. His face is cold and wet, snow falling off of him in chunks of icy slush. Shouto shakes it all off, working his way out of his pajama shirt. He steps into his room, throwing the shirt to the side and discarding his pants as well, changing into a black long sleeve and jeans.

He avoids eye contact with Midoriya, on his way out of the dorms. He pretends he doesn't see Bakugo staring at him as he steps out of the threshold.

Aizawa offers the smallest of smiles when Shouto steps into his office. He shuts the door behind him, before sitting down across from the man.

"Endeavor called," he reveals, before letting Shouto delve into his latest drama. "You're staying overnight?"

Shouto shrugs, "Yea. My sister says I should."

"You don't have to, if you don't want to."

Shouto shakes his head, "I have to. If I don't then I'm a bad person and a bad brother and Endeavor is the bigger person." Shouto is supposed to be the bigger person. He's supposed to be more morally sound than Endeavor. Because he did not have children just so he can neglect three and abuse the other. And he did not try to drown his youngest as a punishment. He did not make his wife go crazy, and Endeavor did.

Shouto cannot be worse than Endeavor, because Endeavor is supposed to be changing. And to change, you have to start out bad.

"That's not true, kiddo," he says pitifully. "You don't have to feel guilty because you're uncomfortable in someplace. Especially with reasons like yours."

"But I do feel guilty, and I can last a day there. It's not like he'll hurt me or something."

"Not physically," Aizawa jumps in again.

Shouto doesn't remember a time before his father's promotion, that he was not hurt for existing. Made to be tortured, Shouto was used to it all. He was used to the pain of burning if he had a slipping grade. He was used to the screams of his mother as she watched her youngest be thrown around like a ragdoll. Her begging cries that were more horrifying than the sound of fire roaring in his ears. The vibrations of the bathtub so clear to him through the sound waves in the water, the stretch of his lungs as they tried desperately for air.

"I shouldn't have treated you that way so young..."

As if just saying those words could take it all back. The nightmares and scars and the fear of too much water, too hot water, after it was used on him too many times in ways a child should never witness. Nonetheless, fall victim to.

Water, a necessity for life. Feared because that is what he knew as a weapon.

His father, a man who was supposed to love him. Feared because of an unhealthy obsession, one that refuses to leave Shouto alone.

"I think mental health is just as important as physical health."

Shouto looks to his side. "I never know what to say to him. He always starts conversation, and I can only come up with insults." He watches Aizawa sip from his tea. "Sometimes... sometimes I want to talk with him like he never hurt me. I want to know what having a real dad is like."

"You can do that, too," Aizawa says, nodding. "It's probably confusing, because there are so many ways to go about it. But whatever your brain tells you is right, go with that. You're a smart kid, Todoroki." He taps his finger on his desk twice. "Trust yourself."

He could never fully trust himself. There's something in the Todoroki blood, something that runs through all of them. They ruin things. Endeavor ruined his family, tore it apart at the seams before shredding the rest in a way they could have never survived. Mom ruined Shouto's eye, and his childlike hope that things might be better, or at least not get worse. Touya ruined his hope that someone who endured what Endeavor hands out could ever survive. He died after Endeavor allowed him to be normal, and Shouto is too afraid to be normal because what if he dies, too?

Fuyumi is trying her best. She's trying to bring their family back together, but they were never really whole. She's trying to make something happen that she's never witnessed before, so how could she know how to make their family happy? She's ruining the distant peace they could've had. Both Natsuo and Shouto are ruining Fuyumi's dream. They can't help it. Shouto wishes he could, and he wishes he could take all the pain Natsuo has, too. He would. He would take his family's pain and lay himself to rest with it. Maybe then, he could stop ruining things, and they could, too.

"What if I freeze up," he asks, truly in a childlike manner. "If I show any weakness near him, he'll jump at the chance to use it against me."

But he's changed, his mind supplies.

But has he?

Aizawa scratches his head, "I think you want to talk with him. Like a normal son and father talk." He's right, or at least... not wrong. "So I think you should try, if you feel comfortable doing that. And if you decide before, after, or during a conversation with him, that you don't want to talk anymore, you can just leave him."

Shouto cards a hand through his hair, damp and cold from the snow outside, "We'll get in a yelling match," he predicts, cringing. "As satisfying as seeing him tread carefully around me for once, instead of the other way around is... I just want... I really want to be able to have a normal dad sometimes."

Aizawa only nods, allowing him to continue. It's something Endeavor would never do. He'd interrupt and dismiss and force Shouto to do what he wanted because Shouto isn't supposed to want things.

"But I don't want to be around him anymore. I don't want to be near him, and if I have to be near him I want it to be pleasant," he scrubs a hand over his face, "I'm just really, really tired of being so angry all of the time."

Aizawa seems a little bit struck with how Shouto has spoken, but there's that pride there. Pride that only a special few have shown and held for Shouto.

"Todoroki," he starts, a small, minuscule smile on his face. "I don't know about you, but I think you've already found an answer to what you've been wondering."

Shouto's eyebrows pinch together, face scrunched up in confusion. "What?"

Aizawa spins a pen in his hand, fiddling with things. The smile never leaves his face, despite softening a bit. "You asked me to help you find out what Endeavor wants. You clearly thought it was something else than what he made it out to be," he pauses, setting the pen down. "I don't think you need to understand Endeavor all that well, Kiddo. That's not your job, and I think you're finally taking that fact in as a true statement."

Shouto lets his knee bounce up and down, "I guess... you're right."

"And," he says again, all too satisfied with today's meeting. "You just gave me a whole list of what you want here. I think you're starting to realize that it's not about what he wants, when it comes to you two. It's about what you want, and that's all you have to worry about."

"As his child, a student, and a hero in training, you worry about too many things, without worrying about his hurt feelings. So don't worry about him anymore. Do whatever you want and he can be the adult for a while, you can just be a kid."

It's like the weight of the world is being lifted from his shoulders and crashing down on him all at once. It brings tears to his eyes to have his feelings put into words. He could never transcribe them to the outside world. Aizawa did, just now.

Shouto has been playing a role no kid should have to play. He acted as an adult, just trying to keep the calm. He worries about Endeavor's feelings, because he's a good person and a good son. He's a good brother because he worries for Fuyumi, and he just has to stop trying to please everyone.

He's the youngest of the family, he should be allowed to act like it, for once.