In the wake of Neil's death, we all found our vices.

Charlie's grades fell and he drank. He tried to hide it from me, but I could still smell the faint liquor that remained on his tongue. Frankly, it was simply a miracle that he hadn't been expelled. Knox broke off whatever relationship he had with Christine. In fact, he broke off most relationships. He recoiled, spent most of his time alone— if not all. Meeks lost his conditional scholarship when his GPA fell below the requirement. Pitts became a shell of himself, and Todd, well, we barely saw much of him— and not for a lack of trying.

And I turned to sleep.

It was the only time my mind hadn't wandered to Neil. It the was only time I wasn't plagued with images of his final moments— the fear he must have felt, the desperation...

Since sleep hasn't come easy, I used meds, pills, whatever I could find.

My heart was constantly aching— and not in a metaphorical sense. My heart genuinely hurt.

Most of all, it was the only time I didn't feel the guilt that was forever gnawing at my soul.

This was all my fault— and I knew it. I was the one who pushed him into following his passion. I should have considered the risks— and I hadn't.

I might as well have handed him his doom on a silver platter.

Charlie tried to convince me otherwise. He has spent the better part of the last month at my side. Though not much is said, we just know our presence is enough for each other.

Knox decided we should all do something to honour Neil— the people who loved him most, and, who he equally loved.

At first I thought it was too soon, but then I thought, had we waited too long? Surely he deserved more? Or maybe my guilt just wouldn't allow me a break. Nevertheless, we all agreed, albeit hesitantly.

And tonight was the night.

The first night in what feels like a lifetime, that we return to the old cave.

It almost feels sacrilegious or something; like it was very, very wrong.

How could we return to the place Neil introduced us to— it would never feel right without him.

As I step into the bitter, cold night air, I realize that tonight the warmth of the cave won't be comforting— it will be a chilling reminder that Neil will never be able to do the same.

We hadn't walked to the cave in unison, like we usually would. We walked separately and solemnly.

The mood was dull and the air was tense.

Charlie tried to comfort me, slipping his hand in mine as we trudged through the snow. But I knew nothing would work, and so had he.

Once we reached the perimeter of the property, and Welton sat small on the horizon, we hesitated; no one daring to take the first step into what now has become another life— a much happier one at that.

Knox was the first to move.

His foot, albeit wobbly, stepped onto the slanted ground that led into the cave.

Pitts followed, then Todd, then Meeks.

Charlie and I stood still, taking a deep, steadying breath, before finding the courage to follow suit.

We sat awkwardly on the boulders, fiddling with our fingers and avoiding discussing our feelings.

Todd stood from his seat first, pulling a folded sheet of paper from his coat pocket.

"Neil he ugh- left something," Todd begins, the usual nervousness audible in his tone, but a whole different kind of nerves.

"It's a note," he clarifies, clutching the material to his chest.

"His mom she um— she said it was for us. I haven't read it yet, I haven't been able to. I thought now would be a good time."

The look on everyone's face is a strange mix of excitement and despair. Excited that we had something of Neil, excited that he really did love us and had thought of us even in his last moments.

But also, it serves as a reminder that he is gone. That we can never hear whatever words lay on that paper from his mouth, or in his voice.

Todd unfolds the paper with such caution, clearing his throat before beginning.

"To my best friends— my family,

They say a man who has lived fully, no longer fears death. Tonight, I became just that.

Vi, never feel an ounce of guilt— nor should any of you. You supported me, you led me to my dream, my passion, and I can never thank you enough.

The little time I spent onstage, was enough thrill to last me for an eternity. But at the same time, I knew I had to chase that feeling— that passion. Vi, I found my key to happiness tonight.

Violet, remember when I told you to always remember that I love you? Even now, when I'm not there with you, I still love you. If anything, I love you more. You gave me a lifetime of joy within the span of our friendship— and I will carry that with me forever.

To my friends since the beginning of time, I love you all. Charlie, don't be a fool— never let her go. Always remember, you deserve it, whatever it is, you deserve it. Knox, you're a romantic— and a hopeless one at that. Never lose your passion, it's what makes you, well, you. Pitts, you are a great friend and an even better person— never forget that. Meeks, you're by far the smartest person I have ever met— and equally as kind— which says a lot. And Todd, you have made me feel at home. You understand me, and even wordlessly, I knew we understood each other in a way no one else possibly could.

I love you. I love you all, forever.

Remember the poem from our first ever meeting:

'I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.'

Tonight I finally lived.

Tomorrow, my father will remove me from Welton. More importantly, he will remove me from my passion, my dreams, and all of you...

So, in accordance with living my life— and not his— I shall "put to rout all that is not life," as the great Thoreau once said. This is my farewell— my goodbye for now. I know, some day, some way, somehow, I will see you all again. But please know that I died having lived fully. And hey, that's more than most people in nursing homes can say. Besides, now I'm sort of like an official 'Dead Poet.'

Before I go, just know that I'm sorry— and I hope one day you can forgive me. I will miss you.

Love always,

Your friend,

Neil."

The cave fell utterly silent; a pin drop really could be heard as Neil's final thoughts echoed in our minds. Not a word was spoken. Nothing could be said—and nothing needed to be.

: sorry for the short chapter, the last few are much longer! thx sooo much for reading ❤️