Valerie P.O.V

I knew it was too good to be true.

I slid out the Polaroid picture of us from the back of my phone and held it up before me. I stared at it deep in thought, looking at how carefree I was, and how happy we were.

Maybe all we were meant to be, was a sweet summer fling.

Maybe that's all I was.

I turned the picture over, no longer being able to stomach the sight of it, as I tucked it far away in my drawer. I pulled the covers over my body and traced the empty space beside me, feeling the barren, cool sheets instead of soft, warm skin.

Maybe us no longer exists.

The tears spilled silently down my face as I curled up in a tight ball, hoping to get some rest tonight.

~

A couple days later, I continued to laze around at home, moping over our fight and our semi-breakup. The pit in my stomach grew, as my ringtone blasted through the empty silence with Carter's name flashing across the screen. Tears welled up in my eyes at the simple sight of his name. His name. How messed up is that? Was it normal to feel this way about someone? Before I could fight back the overwhelming emotions and thoughts, so that maybe I could answer; it stopped ringing. I couldn't bring myself to pick up and hear his voice. It was too hard.

He never called again.

As always I entered the deep abyss of churning thoughts. He only called once. Was I not worth another try? Was our relationship not worth more? Ugh. I'm being ridiculous again. Of course he's not going to care anymore. I ended things essentially. I did this.

Once I let myself fall, I truly fell. So deep, I didn't bother carrying a ladder down just in case.

~

It's like all of a sudden the color was sucked out of my world each morning I got up. The sky was dull and grey, the birds were no longer chirping, the people were no longer laughing. Or maybe I just couldn't see or hear it, because I was physically and mentally clouded by the crippling devastation of my current unfortunate situation. Tiredly, I wrapped the apron around my t-shirt and tights to start my shift at work today. It had taken almost everything to get somewhat dressed and out of the house- but I needed the money since I'd been away a whole week on vacation.

With him.

"Hi what can I get you?" I asked in a monotonous voice to the next customer.

There were dark purple circles under my eyes, my hair was a greasy mess and my skin was dull and pale. Picture perfect.

Place cup under drip. Pull the lever. Two shots. Sugar. Mix. Steam the milk. Swirl the milk in. Lid. Done.

"Hi what can I get you?"

Place cup under drip. Pull the lever. One shot. Sugar. Mix. Steam the milk. Swirl the milk in. Chocolate sprinkle. Lid. Done.

"Hi what can I get you?"

My sad, boring voice droned on, customer after customer as I made drinks. Sorry they had to witness such shitty service. My bad. My mind was too preoccupied to be able to do anything else.

How could I be thinking of him when I was at work? It's like he was a part of everything I did. I had memories with him here. So many good ones, in fact. I couldn't help but think about it and him, losing my mind to the thoughts of us. It was tough getting through the orders, I just didn't want to be here right now. I didn't want to see people. Worse than that, I didn't want to see happy people. Cute, happy couples coming in for a bite. Screw you and love.

I pulled off my apron as I trudged my way to the car. That was the worst shift of my life. 5 hours? More like 10.

There's no way I'm doing that again right now. God I can't believe I'm this pathetic after a four-month relationship with one guy. I just knew from the start that this was going to be a disaster somehow.

~

I was in a zombie-like state for the next week, completely dead to the world. I stayed cooped up in my bedroom, barely even coming out for food. I made it to work maybe twice. I called in sick the other times. Screw it. I would become so anxious, I couldn't even force myself to get out of bed. It was like the air was being squeezed out of my lungs, and my stomach did belly flops whenever I thought about it. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything besides wallow around.

I wanted to feel numb.

Everything reminded me of Carter.

Every reminder chipped away at my crumbling heart.

Every reminder was like a stab of crippling pain.

Nights were the worse. During the day I could try to distract myself, binging on books, movies, YouTube videos, anything that would fill my mind with something other than the utterly horrible feeling that consumed me at the mere thought of him. I lay at night, exhausted from trying to fill a void, and failing miserably at doing so.

Like always, a lonely tear escaped me before I closed my eyes and tossed and turned.

I wasn't ruined this time.

I was broken.

Simply broken.

I think I may have even done it to myself. My mind flashed back to every emotion and word we had during the encounter.

I regretted it terribly.

I could have handled it with much more finesse. I could have just talked, and not brought in so much attitude and anger. Good going Val. You've really outdone yourself this time.

Maybe it was for the best, though? This way I could promptly avoid turning crazy and becoming stalkerish. I would never wish that upon anyone, nevertheless Carter.

Carter.

Even thinking about his name makes my heart break even more. I fell in love with him. But it didn't just stop there. I loved him more and more every single day. If we had kept on seeing each other... I wouldn't be able to take it.

I'd rather feel myself hurt now, than be even more broken later on, when his roots have been sown so deeply into my heart, blossoming, and thriving wonderfully. I would never be able to take it if I had poisoned it, I would never be able to watch it wither away, and I would never be able to remove it, unless I hacked it out, bit by bit from within.

I'd be scarred for the rest of my life.

I would never love again.

It was better this way, I told myself.

~

Carter P.O.V.

I'm not a violent person, I never have been. But when Val ran, I felt this overwhelming urge to break something- something that would help me release the avalanche of pent up emotions within me. I was hurt, mad, upset, sad, guilty... but most of all I was crushed.

I was absolutely crushed.

I'd never felt this way about anyone, and I had never felt this way with anyone. It made total sense why I had been wounded pretty damn badly by our recent encounter. When you're so high on feelings, you're sure to crash low too.

We had just confessed that we were in love. How did everything change so drastically? It wasn't that long ago that we were all over each other. And now she barely looked at me when she had come over. She couldn't even stand my touch. That hit me deep.

This whole thing was a big fucking mess that I had no clue how to resolve. Was it a misunderstanding? Was it a fight? Was it a breakup? Fuck. No matter what it was, one thing remained clear- she was gone and she wasn't going to come back.

I had tried to call her. My heart pounded anxiously in my chest as the dial tone rang out and paused.

"Hi, you've reached Valerie, please leave a message and I'll try to get back to you!"

My heart sank as I released it was just a voicemail greeting. She didn't pick up.

Please leave your message after the beep.

.......

The sound of her sweet pre-recorded voice ended as I hung up defeatedly. My chest tightened and my jaw clenched in pain. I hung my head between my hands as I accepted she didn't want to see or talk to me.

~

It's been a torturous week to say the least. I tried to keep myself busy so that I could stop thinking about it for just one second out of every damn day and night.

"Carter."

"Hey Carter," I felt Trev nudge me from the side. I straightened myself up in my seat as I tried to refocus my attention to the room full of people staring at me in anticipation. From the plain walls to the big empty table, suits and sheets of paper spread out- everything felt utterly boring.

I cleared my throat as I skimmed over the sheet and went along with whatever they were saying. I was so distracted, I sat there silently through my meetings, simply nodding when appropriate and doing the bare minimum that was required of me. No matter how hard I tried, my mind would always slip back to her.

They started producing the merch. Our merch. Her designs. A few more weeks and they could be launched soon. I was excited, but nowhere near how much I had been before. I wanted to celebrate it with her. The thought deflated me.

There were moments where I had exciting news to tell her, that I just couldn't. Every time I picked up my phone, disappointment washed through me and I had to stop myself from the temptation to text her. Things have changed between us now. She wouldn't answer. She hadn't responded to the last two ones I had sent her before our blow-up. She surely wouldn't answer now.

I was also supposed to do some more editing, but I couldn't bring myself to look at any of the footage I had taken in Bora Bora. I probably didn't have a lot anyway since I didn't film as much as usual. Maybe five minutes of each activity, before tucking the camera away and being present in the moment with her.

Everything was about her.

I was in love. Not was, I still fucking am. That was the worst part, because I had no idea if she still felt the same.

Fuck I need to stop thinking about it. The more I did, the closer I was to making it a reality that she was somewhat gone. That just didn't sit well with me.

I lay in bed with my eyes closed after a taxing day of work. Her gorgeous smiling face flooded my mind, before morphing into the tear-stained, soul-crushing version of the girl I had last seen. Her hurt and whimpering voice haunted me as I struggled to sleep. How could I face her and fix this when I had reacted in a manner that just added to more of her anxieties? She let me in to all those parts of her when we connected... she was so vulnerable letting me know about her struggles, about her past and some of her fears... yet when she showed that side to me, it's like I got angry at her for being exactly who she said she was? I didn't support her at all. I added to it. I could see it. As soon as I started swearing and raising my voice, I practically saw a little girl crawling into a ball in the closet and shutting the door. The little girl was Val. Everyone has things they're working on to better themselves... as her partner, I should have supported her like I said I would in those moments. But I didn't. I was ashamed that I was the cause of those precious tears streaming down her cheeks. It fucking sucked.