https://psychcentral.com/disorders/separation-anxiety-disorder-symptoms/

_______________

I have always had separation anxiety. I had it as an infant, and it just stuck.

My mom had told me that on the first day she dropped me off at daycare, I had immediately started crying. It didn't stop until she had come to pick me up. The instant she held my hand, I had stopped crying. They just thought it would be a one day thing, so my mom tried again the next day. It was the same as the day before.

This happened for the rest of the month. My mom talked to my dad, and they discussed that my mom would just quit her job and stay at home with me. We had more than enough money rolling in from my dad's job, my mom working was just a hobby that she had always wanted to do.

But when it came time for me to actually go to school in kindergarten, I was less than thrilled. My stomach was in knots, my heart kept clenching, and I kept a grip on my mom's leg as she ushered me into the classroom. I was a nervous wreck, and clearly not ready for school. Why can't my mom just take me back home? I was fine there.

As soon as the teacher tried to tear me away from my mom, I just wasn't having it. I gripped on even harder, and started to cry and scream. It felt like I was going to projectile vomit over everything and everyone. It would have looked comical to anyone passing by, but for me it was hell.

When my teacher let go of my legs, two boys came over to me. One had brown hair, and pretty blue eyes, and the other had blond hair and pretty green eyes. The one with brown hair took my hand while the one with blond hair pushed my hair away from my face.

"She's beautiful..." He said, wiping one of my tears away.

"Don't cry, it hurts when you cry." The one with brown hair said. I sniffled and looked at them. My stomach was no longer in knots, and I felt at ease, just like I did when I was with my mom.

I gave them a huge smile, and grabbed the blond haired boy's hand. The two boys smiled brightly at me before turning to my mom.

"We will protect her. We promise." The blond one said before they pulled me away to the Legos. I was so wrapped up in the two boys that I didn't even realize my mom leaving.

"I'm Ryker." The brown haired boy said.

"I'm Grey." The blond haired boy said, handing me a Lego. "What's your name, beautiful?"

I blushed and tried to hide my face. "Holland." Someone put their hand under my chin and moved my head up so I could see Ryker.

"That's a beautiful name."

From then on, my separation anxiety took over, and we became inseparable. If one of them didn't come to school, I would start to get sick; mentally and physically ill. It felt like I was going to throw up and pass out unless I could see them. I would throw fits until my mom was called to pick me and the other up, and bring us to their house. As soon as we were all united, only then would I be at ease.

It started to get worse. By the time we were in third grade, Grey and Ryker were nine while I was eight, I couldn't go an hour without seeing or touching them. They made it so that we had every class together, and they were able to take me home and hang out until my mom got home. Or we would go over to Ryker's house and play with all of his toys in his huge house, and my mom would pick me up from his house. We never, ever went to Grey's house.

"Why can't we go to your house?" I would always ask.

"Because it's the pack house!" Grey exclaimed one time, and Ryker smacked his shoulder.

"What's a pack house?" I asked.

"He, uh, he just meant that it's a packed house. That's all. So many people all the time, you would hate it." Ryker explained. Grey agreed. I nodded my head, I would totally hate that. And then we went back to playing with toys.

I had finally convinced my parents to let me have sleepover's with the boys in fifth grade, when the boys were eleven and I was ten. That first sleepover was amazing; it was the best sleep of my life. I didn't want them to leave afterwards, and they said they never would.

At first, my parents made them sleep in the living room, but they would always sneak up to my room and climb into my tiny bed with me. Then, my parents made them sleep on the floor in my room, but they always snuck into my tiny bed anyway. Finally, my parents gave up and got me a bigger bed, and they let the boys sleep in my bed.

But in sixth grade, when they were twelve and I was eleven, things started changing. One or the other would be missing school at least three times a week. They started eating so much food, became more aggressive towards everyone, and more possessive over me. Even when my dad came to hug me, they would make this growling sound towards my dad. My dad would growl right back and they would stop, but they always still do it. It's a little quieter now, but they still do it which makes me giggle.

One day, we were laying in my bed, watching movies, and cuddling when I confronted them.

"What has been up with you guys recently?" I asked, running my hands through Grey's hair. His head was on my stomach, and I was cuddled underneath Ryker's arm, my head on his chest.

"What do you mean, beautiful?" Ryker asked, placing a kiss to my hair. I closed my eyes in content.

"Like...you keep missing school, and you won't let anyone talk to me, and you won't even let my dad hug me without making these weird noises." I explained to them. I felt Ryker tense and I'm pretty sure Grey did the same.

"It's nothing. Just watch the movie." I furrowed my eyebrows in annoyance.

"No, tell me. You guys never tell me anything. You always have secrets and I never get to know about them." Grey turned his head to give Ryker a look, and I think they were having a secret conversation.

I grabbed a patch of Grey's hair in anger. He swatted at my hands and I let go.

"Why won't you tell me?!" I screamed out, frustrated beyond belief.

"Because we aren't supposed to tell you anything. It's a super secret that we can tell you when we are eighteen." Ryker finally explained.

"Why can't you tell me now?" I was about to start throwing things. What if they are sick, and they need my help? What if they die because of this super secret, and I was kept in the dark from it? Why can't I know? I was getting anxious just thinking of something happening to them.

It felt like the walls were closing in around me and they were helping. They were laughing at me from the sidelines as my world closed in on me.

"Because...we would get grounded. And then we can't see you anymore." Ryker frowned. My chest continued closing in at the thought of not being able to see them anymore.

I sighed. Eighteen isn't that far away. I guess I could wait. That's only six more years. Who am I kidding, six years?!

"Okay. But you pinky promise you'll tell me when we're eighteen?" I asked, holding out my pinkies to both of them. They smiled at me and hooked their pinky onto mine.

"We pinky promise." They said at the same time. I rolled my eyes, I hate when they do that.

"Okay, then it's happening when you guys turn eighteen, not when it's my birthday." They laughed but agreed.

In eighth grade, when they were fourteen and I was thirteen, things changed drastically. One day, we were at a pool party. My boobs had quickly grown in and were now size B cups, but I hadn't gotten my period yet. I was excited to show off my new bikini and show everyone that I had boobs. I was kind of a late bloomer compared to everyone else in my grade.

My mom drove Ryker, Grey, and I to the party at my friend Amanda Hiker's house.

Things were going great, until we all settled down to play seven minutes in heaven. There was a group of ten playing, five guys, and five girls. Ryker, Grey and I were among the ten and I was nervous. I haven't been kissed yet either.

About four couples have already gone in the closet to do their seven minutes in heaven and now it was my turn to spin the bottle. As the bottle spun, I became more nervous. I clenched my hands into fists and relaxed when it landed on Grey. He grabbed my hand and quickly took me to the closet.

He gently grabbed my face and looked into my eyes. "Holland, we don't have to do anything if you don't want to." This would be my first kiss; he knows this. It isn't his first kiss; I don't care, well, I don't care anymore. It was with a girl named Katie at another one of Amanda's pool parties.

When he first told me that he had kissed someone else, I was really upset. I wanted all of our first kisses to be with each other. Nonetheless, I would be ecstatic if my first kiss was with him. I just wish Ryker were here too.

I placed my lips on his and closed my eyes. One of his hands stayed on my cheek, slowly sliding into my hair while the other held onto my waist, slowly pulling me into him. He started moving his lips against mine, and I did what he did. When he nipped my bottom lip, I gasped in surprise, and that's when he snuck his tongue into my mouth. I thought I would be disgusted, but something in me squeezed in anticipation for more of his kiss. My body was tingling wherever he touched me; I was on fire, and it felt amazing.

After a few minutes, I brought my leg between his legs and felt something hard against my thigh. I felt my underwear becoming wet, and I don't know why.

I pulled back from the kiss and instantly started to panic.

"I'm wet." Grey smiled at me and held onto my waist with both hands.

"I know, baby doll, that's a good thing." I shook my head in confusion and felt it on my thighs. I went to wipe it off my thighs, and when I brought my hand up, there was blood on it.

"Grey, please help me." I whined, tears forming in my eyes. I had just gotten my period, and I'm in a bathing suit. Grey pecked my lips, sending an instant wave of calm through my body. I don't know how he does it.

He took off his shirt and put it over me. He was super tall, and I was shorter than him, so the shirt covered my bloody thighs. He grabbed my hand and brought me out of the closet.

He brought me to the closest bathroom and ran the shower, ignoring the weird looks everyone was giving us. We were used to it by now. Soon Ryker was in the bathroom with us, hugging me and rubbing my arms, trying to calm me.

I undressed myself and quickly cleaned myself off, ignoring the requests of Grey and Ryker to help me in the shower. I wasn't uncomfortable being naked around Grey and Ryker, it's happened many times before. It just felt natural.

Once I was all cleaned up and dressed, wearing Grey's shirt, they helped me search the bathroom for pads. Ryker had called my mom and she was on her way to pick us up.

We said goodbye to everyone before hopping into my mom's car.

"Thank you Grey, and Ryker. Do you want me to drop you guys off at home?" My mom said, looking in the rearview mirror at the three of us. I had my head on Grey's shoulder, and Ryker was pressed against my other side, drawing shapes on my thigh. I felt so at peace, and relaxed.

"No ma'am. Could we have a sleepover tonight?" Grey asked. My mom sighed.

"I need to talk to Holland about something first. But yes. You can." I smiled and closed my eyes, falling asleep.

When we got home, Ryker and Grey ran up to my room. My mom sat me down on the couch and grabbed my hands. She opened her mouth and began to give me the sex talk. Everything from periods, to birth control, to pregnancy, to the breakdown of what actually happens in sex. My ears were practically bleeding from the foul things she was saying to me.

"Mom, when I was kissing Grey, I felt something hard between his leg. And I said that I was wet, and he said that it was a good thing? What was hard, and why is being wet a good thing?"

I asked her questions like this and she answered them honestly for at least two hours. That's when I was out of questions, and my stomach was killing me. It was a sharp, stabbing pain.

"That is cramps. I'm going to go and buy you ice cream. Now go upstairs, those boys have been waiting patiently." My mom said, tears almost coming to her eyes. I nodded, gave her a huge hug, before running up the stairs, a hand on my stomach.

That night, we cuddled, ate ice cream, and watched movies. The guys rubbed my tummy until we were all asleep, smushed together.

In the ninth grade, when they were fifteen and I was fourteen, I finally kissed Ryker. We were in my room, waiting for Grey to come upstairs with food. Grey loved to cook all the time for us because he believed he was a great cook (which he totally is). I was thinking about the kiss Grey and I had shared last year, and I think I was staring at Ryker's lips when he brought our lips together. I felt the same as I did when I kissed Grey. I felt tingles and fire everywhere he touched me. It was sensational, and when Grey came in the room, we didn't stop. We only stopped when I felt Grey move my hair off of my neck and kiss me there.

"Let's relax, and play some video games." Grey suggested, mumbling against my neck. I was flustered, and my body felt hot. I was slightly embarrassed, but I nodded my head, almost out of breath. Ryker squeezed my hip before grabbing a grilled chicken panini that Grey had made. Grey set up the video games, and we ate food, and played video games all day.

It wasn't until tenth grade, when they were sixteen and I was fifteen, that we finally started doing things together. And by that, I mean sexual things. Things like, I would be kissing Ryker and Grey would trail kisses down my neck. Or they both would attack my breasts, and litter both sides of my neck with hickeys. I had to keep buying make up to cover the hickeys, so I made a deal with them that they can only make hickeys where they can't be seen.

Sometimes they would bite me too hard, and it would draw a little bit of blood. Right afterwards, they would look at me and their eyes would flicker from black to their original eye color. I always ignored it, and would just tell them not to bite me that hard. They would apologize, repeatedly give me kisses everywhere, and we would go back to making out.

We've never gone farther than just touching and kissing. I was too nervous, and not ready for that yet. I remember one day, I was kissing Grey while Ryker was littering my stomach and hips with hickeys when my mom had walked in on us. She had cleared her throat and my whole body became flushed in embarrassment. I want to die. I quickly pulled my shirt back down.

"Grey. Ryker. Please go downstairs for a moment and talk with my husband." They gave her a nod and gave me a peck on my cheeks before leaving the room and closing the door behind them. My mom sat down on my bed and patted the seat next to her. I slowly sat down next to her. She grabbed my hands and I sighed. Not another talk.

"Honey, I understand the connection between the three of you, but are you sure you are ready for that? Have they told you anything yet?" I shook my head.

"They told me in seventh grade they would tell me when we were eighteen. That's in two years." I furrowed my eyebrows at her. How did she know already, when I didn't? That's not fair, they're hiding something from me. She sighed and nodded.

"Okay, good. Now, do you need birth control? Condoms?" My face became even more red than it was before as my mom kept ranting and rambling.

"No mom. I told them that I wasn't ready yet." I said, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. My mom sighed and grabbed my hand even tighter.

"Just incase sweetheart. Plus, if you're on birth control, your period's will be more regular, and they can help with your cramps." I nodded my head. My cramps are out of control. They are beyond painful, and I usually need to be knocked out because the pain is so awful. My period's are also erratic, and I never know when they are coming.

"I will schedule an appointment for the doctor's this week sweetheart." She placed a kiss on my forehead and I closed my eyes in content. I wrapped my arms around her.

"I love you mom."

"I love you too sweetheart." She gave me a final squeeze before opening my door, where Grey and Ryker were standing eagerly. She nodded at them and they jumped on my bed, immediately wrapping me in their embrace. I breathed in their calming scents and closed my eyes, enjoying the shower of pecks and kisses.

In eleventh grade, when they were seventeen and I was sixteen, they had another growth spurt; in height and in muscle mass. It seemed that each time I saw them, they had grown in size. They were starting to tower over me, and I wasn't even that short. This is also around the time when they started to become more affectionate towards each other.

I would catch them holding hands sometimes, or Grey would plant a kiss on Ryker's forehead and Ryker would push him away. And in "retaliation" or whatever Ryker would plant a kiss on Grey's cheek which would result in Grey smacking Ryker's ass to shoo him away.

Whenever I was alone with just one of them, I would ask them about the other one, to try and understand if they felt any way for each other. I would always get the same non-answer from both of them, as if they had rehearsed it.

"I just love him like a brother, I would do anything for him." Grey.

"He means the world to me, I love him like a brother." Ryker.

I will continue to investigate and maybe instigate. I just know that there is something between the two of them, even if they're both too scared to admit it.

And finally, we are here. In the beginning of our senior year, the day of their birthday. They weren't related in anyway, but they strangely had the same birthday. But that doesn't matter because today, they are turning eighteen. That means they can finally tell me their big secret.

I woke up that day, expecting them to be in my bed but they weren't. Instead, there was a note. I picked it up and read it.

Dear Beautiful,

You looked so peaceful that we didn't want to disturb you. We went out to get breakfast and we will be back soon. When we get back, you better be dressed and ready to go. Now, get that perky little ass into the shower and get ready.

Love, Ryker and Grey

P.S. Just because it is our birthday, doesn't mean that we still can't spoil you.

I smiled and put the note down. I rushed to the bathroom to get ready. As I washed my hair, it finally sank in. They were telling me their secret. I would finally know why they always acted weird whenever any male came towards, even my dad. I would finally know everything.

I came out of the shower, dried off, and got dressed. I smiled at myself in the mirror and grabbed my backpack before skipping downstairs. I saw Grey, Ryker, my mom, and my dad in the kitchen, unpacking the breakfast containers the boys had brought back.

I threw my backpack on the couch and ran to the boys, wrapping my arms around Grey's neck.

"Happy Birthday mister," I said, laying my head on his chest. He chuckled and kissed the top of my head. Ryker hugged me from behind.