like shit."

I give Luke a blank look as he grabs my overnight bag from my hands, throwing it into the trunk and laughing when he realizes I'm not saying anything to his comment.

"I'm kidding." He lifts a loose curl from the bun that I am rather embarrassed to admit has been my signature for the last four days. "Well . . . maybe I'm not."

I smack his arm and Luke laughs again, jogging over to the driver's side. I begrudgingly shuffle towards the passenger side, hopping into the warm car. Despite my sour mood, I am glad to see Luke in a happier mood than the one he'd been in on Thanksgiving. He is smiling and his eyes are lighter than usual.

"Seriously though, are you good?" He spares me a look from the corner of his eye. It's a quick one, but I notice the obvious bout of concern that it holds. I manage a halfhearted shrug. To be honest, I'm not anywhere near the adjective of good. I haven't stopped crying since Miles saw me blatantly making out with my ex-boyfriend outside my apartment. Talia is still icing Veronica and I out, although when I'd left this morning to go back to New Jersey, she'd left me a bagel with cream cheese from the bodega outside of our apartment. I know it is her way of trying to sympathize with what had happened with Miles since she'd probably overheard me sobbing to Veronica in the living room about the entire debacle.

My heart aches when I think about Miles. When I think about the look he'd given me, that familiar look of pain and sorrow that I know all too well. As it had been the same look I'd worn after Sebastian.

Thinking about that kiss leaves such a sour feeling in my mouth.

"You haven't spoken to Miles, huh?" I shake my head, allowing my eyes to remain on the passing scenery outside of the car window.

"I've been calling and texting but he hasn't replied to me." And I know he probably never will, not that I blame him. For two months I'd allowed myself the luxury of leaning on Miles as a crutch to help me get over my breakup. Whether I knew it or not, I had used his compassion and obvious attraction to me as a distraction. It makes me want to kick myself for how oblivious I'd been in regards to his feelings.

I like Miles, a whole lot. I like him as more than a friend. As more than a simple distraction. And as more than a goddamn rebound. It just sucks that it took me hurting him to realize it. To realize that his touch, his kisses, his presence, means more to me than anything in this world.

And I've gone and ruined it all.

Luke reaches out, grabbing my hand which has been resting on my lap. He holds it over the center console, and I smile. It feels rather reminiscent of the last time we'd been in the car together when I'd picked him up from that party where he'd also gotten a piece of his heart broken.

"He's hurt. But trust me when I say this, the way that Miles looked at you on Thanksgiving—that man would bend over backward to see you laugh." My bottom lip trembles as I try to keep my emotions at bay. "He'd be an idiot to let you go." His lips twitch as a version of what I said to him all those months ago rings in the air.

"I think I'm the idiot in this scenario, Luke," I admit sadly. "I can't believe I had an amazing thing in my life and I just had to go and ruin it."

Luke squeezes my hand tightly. "I'm making a rule right now. This weekend, you are forbidden from talking, thinking, and crying over Miles." I raise my brows at his defiant attitude.

"But–"

Luke glares at me, effectively cutting off my rebuttal. "I'm serious, Eves. Use this time away to laugh. To forget about all that damn drama back in the city. And I mean with both Miles and Talia."

Giving in, I nod slowly, a triumphant look passing over Luke's face. We spend the rest of the car ride listening to the radio, occasionally talking about lighthearted topics. By the time we pull into the driveway, I'm not feeling as sorrowful as I'd been when stepping off of the Amtrak train.

Luke swiftly cuts the engine, leaving us blanketed in absolute silence.

"What's he like?" I ask softly. I'm staring at the black Mercedes parked in front of us. The car that belongs to our mother's new boyfriend. The same boyfriend that we are about to have dinner with, and finally meet.

At first, I wasn't going to come. Mostly because winter break is in a week, and to me, it doesn't make much sense for me to come home twice within a span of eight days. Train tickets are expensive. But my mom had been adamant since Axel isn't going to be in town for most of my winter break anyway, meaning that if I want to meet him, it will have to be a whole lot sooner.

Luke chews on his bottom lip thoughtfully, his own eyes glued to the car as well. "He seems nice. I mean, I only had a five minute conversation with the guy before I had to come pick you up."

"Alright," I nod, quickly unclipping my seatbelt. I don't want to sit in the car any longer, further prolonging the inevitable. I can either ask Luke what Axel is like, or work up the nerve to see for myself. For a split second, my fingers itch to ring up Miles, just to be able to hear the soothing tone of his voice. But as soon as that thought enters my brain, reality crashed through. The reality that if I call him, I will most likely be sent straight to voicemail.

Grabbing my duffel from the trunk, I trail after Luke to the front door. I'm nervous. This is the first man that will be in my house, eating at the table with us, since Dad. I look uneasily at Luke, who has an indifferent expression on his face as he twists the key into the lock. I'm desperate to know what our mom had said to him during Thanksgiving that encouraged him to turn over a new leaf and suck up meeting the new boyfriend.

The door creaks open and immediately I can hear my mother's laughter, followed by a deep voice speaking. It smells like gourmet food and spices were being cooked, something that surprises me since she rarely ever cooks meals outside of the normal ones, like spaghetti or macaroni and cheese.

Luke drops the house keys into the dish by the door, and as soon as the metal clanks against the glass, the laughter that has been flowing from the kitchen stops.

"Luke? Evie?"

"Yeah, we're here," he answers back, looking sideways at me as if to say here we go. I contort my face into what I hope looks to be a polite smile as my mother walks out. She is wearing a white dress, her hair slicked into a puff on top of her head. I've never seen her look so dolled up before, it's a peculiar sight. She's even glowing, her cheeks tinted a deep red as her eyes shone with excitement. She quickly embraces me, and I let her familiar scent wash over me.

Pulling back, she grins. "How was the train ride?"

I shrug, dropping my duffel onto the floor. "It was okay." She frowns, clearly sensing my underlying mood. Thankfully, she doesn't push me, squeezing my arm once more before turning to the doorway of the kitchen. A man has materialized from around the corner. He's bald, with a thick beard on the lower half of his face. The olive green dress shirt stands out nicely against his dark skin, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his black jeans.

He is smiling at Luke and I, no trace of uneasiness or nervousness present on his face. He looks completely at ease.

"Eves, this is Axel," my mother introduces softly, keeping her eyes locked on me. "Axel, this is my eldest kid, Evie."

He steps forward, pulling his hand from his pocket. "Nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you."

I return the gesture, feeling my wariness slowly melt away the longer he smiles at me. He seems rather nice. "Likewise."

Luke suddenly claps his hands together, making us all look at him in confusion. "Alright, now that the awkward introductions are over. Can we eat? I'm starving."

Mom glares at him, her hands twitching at her sides which I know mean she is three seconds away from yanking on his ear. Luke sees it too, taking a cautious step away as his cocky grin disappears just as fast as it had appeared.

Axel just looks amused, resting a hand on Mom's wrist. Immediately, her glare melts away, and she smiles lovingly at him. She looks very much in love. But, I notice that it isn't the same looks she used to get around Dad, and for some reason that makes me relax even more. It makes me content with knowing those looks will always be reserved for him, and only him.

Luke clears his throat, and when I look over at him, I'm surprised to see a fond expression on his face as he regards Mom and Axel. I am glad to know that he is out of his petty stage against Mom's new relationship, and I am itching to know what she'd said to him that made him realize he was being a dick.

I follow behind Luke into the dining room, surprised to see a plethora of food in the middle, the table set in a way that I haven't seen since before Dad got sick. It's refreshing.

Sitting next to Luke and across from Axel and Mom, I don't miss the bashful expression on her face as Axel pulls the chair out for her. Or the way his gaze lingers on the side of her face as she fluffs the napkin out before spreading it over her lap.

"This looks amazing," I compliment, gesturing to the different food choices laid out.

"It was all Axel," she points out.

"I can't take all the credit, you did a mean job of chopping up those onions." We all laugh at my mother as she rolls her eyes, lightly smacking Axel's shoulder.

Throughout the entire dinner, we keep the conversation flowing. I learn that Axel is a psychology professor at Montclair State. He has lived in Jersey for the last six years after moving up from Florida. He even spends most of his free time volunteering with elderly people at a local nursing home. He really is the epitome of a natural philanthropist.

He and my mother had met in a grocery store parking lot after her bag had broken while walking to her car. It's cute, the way my mother blushes as Axel retells the story for Luke and I. It has been a long time since I've seen her look as happy as she does, and that's what makes me warm to Axel almost immediately. If he can make my mom feel this way then it's a win for me.

"Everyone done?" Axel asks, gesturing to the now empty plates on the table.

"It was amazing, you're a wonderful cook," I gush, handing him my dish. He smiles at me, stacking all of the plates before disappearing into the kitchen.

"So, what do you guys think?" Mom asks softly, leaning forward on her elbows as she regards Luke and I.

Luke shrugs, taking a long swig from his water. "He's cool."

I roll my eyes, turning to look at Mom. "He's more than cool. I can see how happy he makes you. I think you two are really cute together."

Mom beams, squeezing my hands. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. Seriously, I know this may seem a bit weird, especially with it only being a year since your father–"

"Mom," Luke interrupts. "Dad would've wanted you to be this happy." I try to hide the shock at how mature my little brother sounds in that moment. Even Mom looks taken aback. Her mouth opening and closing before she settles on a smile, her eyes glossing over with unshed tears.

"I should go in there and help."

I wait until she is completely out of earshot before I whirl on Luke, my eyebrows up high on my face. "Who are you and what have you done with Lucas Porter?"

Luke scoffs, letting his hands rest in his lap. "I was the biggest asshole to Mom about her being in a new relationship. And, truthfully, I had absolutely no right to be. She stuck with Dad through everything, and I know she'll never not love him." My heart soars at the seriousness in his tone. "I also owe you an apology. I'm sorry for saying all that shit to you on Thanksgiving, you didn't deserve that."

Shaking my head, I rub my hand on his shoulder. "I completely understood why you were so upset, you don't have to apologize."

"It doesn't matter why I was upset, Eves," he presses, looking at me through his lashes. "I'm not the only person in this house that lost a father, and I was being incredibly selfish about it."

"Seriously, who are you?" I laugh as Luke playfully punches my arm. This doesn't feel like my usual, moronic eighteen year old brother who cares more about how many kills he can get on Call of Duty. This newly matured Luke feels completely different, and it causes a bout of sadness to hit my chest. In a few months he'll be off to his first year of college, and our conversations will be limited to texts and random FaceTime calls.

"Hey, what are you thinking about?" He nudges my arm slightly, pulling me from my thoughts. I blink, trying to clear up my vision from the unshed tears that had been there a minute ago.

"Nothing," I respond. Luke huffs, clearly not believing my lie.

"It wasn't nothing, you looked as if you were about to burst into tears."

Sighing, I shift my body so I am fully facing him. Luke raises his brows, waiting for me to speak. "I'm just proud of you, s'all."

Luke's face softens. "You know just because I'm going off to college soon doesn't mean we'll be drifting apart or anything." I frown. Had I been that obvious with what I had been thinking? It's always been said that my face is an open book.

"I know–"

"I'm serious," he interjects. "No amount of distance between us will change anything. I promise." My smile stretches even wider when Luke holds out his pinky towards me, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

Interlocking our fingers in the same manner as we used to when we were younger, I relish in the comfort from my little brother.

"Can I give you some advice?"

I raise my brows at Luke, a bit shocked at his questions. Luke is not an advice giving kind of person. It will usually be me or Mom who will weigh him down with lectures and solutions to his problems. When I nod, he takes a deep breath before leveling his gaze with mine.

"I know I said that this weekend is going to be strictly drama-free, and that we shouldn't bring up Miles or the fact that you kissed Sebastian even though he's getting married–"

Glaring at him pointedly, I quickly interrupt. "Is there a point to this?"

He smiles sheepishly. "Right, my bad. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that I don't think you've ever gotten proper closure from Sebastian."

"You know, I thought the same thing," I admit softly. "But after he showed up and kissed me outside of my apartment . . . I don't know–" Letting out a heavy sigh, I can feel a slight headache coming on. "Maybe I should just stop looking for closure."

Luke shakes his head. "You might think so, but you don't even know why he did that. Besides, if he's willing to just go and kiss you outside of your apartment then I'm putting my money on the fact that not only do you need closure, but so does he."

Mulling over what he's just said, I realize that he is partially right. Sure, I've cried over Sebastian for probably way too long after the breakup, but then I'd met Miles, and it seemed as if hanging out with him offered some form of solace from the pain I felt after my relationship with Sebastian. And then I'd found out about his engagement with Helena, and it seems as if all of the emotions I've been trying to repress had shown up again, especially after allowing Sebastian to kiss me, or more accurately, allowing myself to kiss him back.

But there is one thought that pops in my mind and has me feeling slight despair. If I were to receive closure from Sebastian then that would mean that my ties to him will be cut off completely.

Sure, our relationship hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine, but Sebastian has been with me through some of the hardest moments of my life. My father's death, almost my entire college experience. I don't know who I am without him, and that scares me. I don't want to be with Sebastian anymore, nor am I in love with him. But I do love him. And I'm sure that I will love him for as long as I am alive.

"I guess I'm just scared," I admit to Luke. "Sebastian was such a constant in my life, I just don't know how I'll be able to close that chapter of us."

Luke shoots me a sympathetic smile, rubbing small comforting circles on my shoulder. "I don't mean to be all sappy here, but you've lived a life before him, and I'm positive that you'll be able to live a life after him."