~ July 14th 2020 ~

Me and Lana don't speak out of respect.

It's been one one year to this day since my little girl passed away...and it hurts like hell. Actual hell. Instead of getting up and trying to get about my day Lana thinks it's a good idea if we just stay in bed, apparently it'll be less stressful for my heart.

"It's weird how no one has called or pop around." I whisper as Lana literally eats the pizza she ordered besides me. I don't want any - but I think she's happy with that. I mean...she's easily proving that she can eat an entire extra large pizza by herself. "Yeah...they have." My eyes widen for a second. "What?" Lana picks her last slice of pizza down and then licks her fingers. "Seriously...what the fuck?" She closes her eyes savouring every silence.

"I mean...they have but I told them to call again tomorrow. Your mum told me to tell them..." whatever. I'm not saying that I want to speak to anyone other than my girlfriend today...because I don't. "You got to stop doing what my mum said. You're thirty one...not twelve." Lana laughs as she then picks up the large slice.

Watching her eat so much is literally making my stomach churn. She's got a way bigger appetite than Maisie, I guess that's a good thing. Not to jinx her pregnancy or anything, but so far she hasn't been to hospital for anything other than scans. I guess that's a relief for both of us. God knows what I would do if I lost another child.

I shouldn't be thinking about the new baby...that's just wrong. So I close my eyes and I picture my little Bee, cradled in my arms. I get shivers down my spine when I remember that she was stone cold...so I try to picture her alive...with colour in her cheeks...squirming around in my arms. Imagining her alive is much more bearable than...the truth. That I stayed in the most gloomy hospital room for hours, with my parents, crying over my baby.

I don't remember...but mum told me I tried to wake Bee up. I knew she was dead but apparently...they had to take her off of me. I guess I must've blacked out.

"I um..." Lana's voice trails off as soon as she finishes the pizza, crust and all. "I wrote a segment...in the magazine for you. It was done anonymously...but yeah." I know Lana has taken my 'I don't want to be reminded about my birthday' to heart. It's sweet that she even is trying.

"Oh yeah" I whisper turning the other way so she doesn't see me cry. "Yeah...it's stupid but...I don't know. Writing it felt right, that and I remembered your day. I never can remember anything." I take a deep breath in and smile. God I love her to bits.

"Can I see it?" I ask as Lana shyly nods her head. "Only on one condition." She whispers. "Alright..." my voice trails off as I try to sober myself up. It's hard...trying not to cry. My emotions are so fucked up so I remember my breathing techniques. "I have to read it to you. If you look at the article you're not going to remember what I'm talking about. So I can explain...what I meant...what makes this my personal love letter to the oldest guy I know." I make a sarcastic 'ha' sound before shaking my head.

"Go for it." I smile as she smiles. She does a shy smile before nodding her head. "Okay - so - yeah..." Lana sits up straight with her legs crossed. She looks like a fucking happy meerkat. Okay...that makes me laugh.

For the whole day she has been sincere and...her eyes haven't stopped being glassy for a single second. I mean...it's nice to see that she's tried turning the atmosphere around. "Ow...ow...ow..." Lana says as she holds the side of her bump while leaning sideways with her hand sliding into the the bedside tables drawer.

"Careful..." I laugh while Lana then holds her free middle finger up. "Fucking charming." Lana has only had two scans so far. Both very early on in the pregnancy, I guess Lana shares the same hospital fear as me. Apparently we have to go to the next appointment, it should be in a few weeks? I'm not entirely sure.

That's when she holds the magazine up above her head in celebratory. "So" - she carries on as perusal - "I had to...pretend that I'm an anonymous writer and I 'chose' it out of a hundred other cliché letters." The magazine as a bit where you can 'give in a letter of inspiration'. I don't know exactly what it is...or means to the magazine itself - I'm just supportive of Lana. Her work sounds hard to be honest.

"Just read it." I yawn as she rolls her eyes skipping to the end of the magazine before she stops. "I know it is probably going to sound really cute and sick...but trust me. I mean every word..." she's so nervous. "Babe. Please for the love of god just read the thing, okay?" Lana nods her head with the biggest smile ever planted on her face.

"Okay..." she nervously laughs before looking down at the magazine and studying the words. "It's going to be shit and-" I'm so fucking tempted to literally go to the local off-licence and buy the thing. "Read it." I patronisingly say while Lana sighs.

"Fine..." She stubbornly says before reading the lengthy extract.