𝙄 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙖 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜

- 𝗙𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗢𝘂𝘁 𝗕𝗼𝘆

~ June 18th 2019 ~

I'm not going to lie to myself anymore...

Ever since me and Lana have been talking...I've been getting these feelings for her. I know that sounds awful but we have so much in common, and the stuff we don't have in common...just makes us more unique. We're not afraid of debates, we're not afraid of calling each other names. To her I'm this dickhead and to me she's a self entitled princess.

She's fun...so much fun.

Every other day and when I come home it feels like there's something missing. As much as I love Maisie...there's something about her which just seems off. Maisie is always trying to be the perfect girlfriend. I love that she is trying to be one...by tidying the house every day and making meals and stuff - but it's just boring. When I tell her that she is trying a bit too hard, Maisie then blames it on Bee and her 'motherly' ways.

To say the least I can't be as open as I want to around Maisie. Because of her 'kind' nature she doesn't like it when I raise my opinions in whatever is happening in the news - that and she doesn't understand politics - at least not British ones. I'm not saying that she is uninteresting, because that is simply not the case. She just slacks fun.

I can't even be like one of those guys from her shitty rom-coms and start a food fight without her screaming at me and getting upset. Least I know that Lana hates rom-coms and likes the psychological genre.

I can't do something nice either - Maisie always tells me off for spending too much money on 'useless' shit. She's a difficult person. The only person she really cares about is Bee. I know that's the way parenting works - and I feel that way about our daughter too. But...I want to love her. Really love her. Like how we used too. Ever since she became pregnant she's changed. At first I thought it was Bee's fault...but it wasn't.

We're missing that fucking spark.

"You seem off." Maisie says while she passes me my dinner plate. "Really?" I ask more like a question than an answer. I mean...she has a front to say that I'm being off.

"Yes. Really." Maze says sternly as she sits besides me on the sofa as I begin cutting the salad thing. I know Maisie said I need to eat more but this stuff she eats is actual shit. Sure she has sweet treats through the day but now...every meal is 'healthy'. I want to stick my teeth into a steak - not fucking grass. I'm not a cow.

"Why are you acting different too?" I know that's a cocky comment but...I don't know anymore.

I think I've been so wrapped up around Maisie and a baby that I forgot what a healthy relationship is. Lana is making me become - less dad and more...me. I forgot what it is just to talk without boundaries...laugh weirdly to dark shit. It's nice.

Lana is nice.

"I'm not. If I am it's probably because I'm going to be past my due date in a couple of days...just stress. Sorry if I seem off babe. I just...can't wait to see her." Maisie smiles as she puts on hand on her bump. I nod my head and falsely smile. "What did the doctors say that pain was?" Every other week she is going to hospital - some nights she's gone for two or three days. There's something that they aren't telling us and - it sucks to be in a dark.

I'm preparing myself for the worst...I don't think Maisie is. And she should do. "They still don't know. But she isn't in any pain - she's not kicking or hurting me." I nod my head. I guess that's a good thing. "Maybe we need to try another hospital? I'll get us a private one...they'll look after you both much better." Of course Maisie shakes her head with a big smile on her fair face.

"I don't need a private hospital. Anyway we're already scheduled for a c-section a couple of days after your birthday...either way we're seeing her this month." Maisie makes herself literally squeal with excitement. I nod my head even though I think that the hospital isn't doing a good enough job.

They should be keeping Maisie in and running tests on her. Not leaving her in a gloomy room with a IV drip - that's just so unprofessional. "Anyway, you didn't answer my question." Maisie pushes the iceberg lettuce into her mouth. "What's up with you?" I shrug my shoulders back. "Long day at the office..." I then pretend to yawn.

"Funny that..." Maisie's voice trails off as she points her silver fork in my direction. "I called up the studio - I thought I was in labour - I wasn't...it was just wind" - normal - "and Mark said that you haven't been to the studio in two whole weeks." My eyes widen for a second as I try to think of a lie.

"Yeah about that..." I scratch my head. I can't end the relationship while she's pregnant. It's going to stress Maisie out and then if anything happens to the baby I'm going to feel guilty. "Enlighten me. Where has my boyfriend been for the past two weeks - when he says he is going to the studio - and what is he getting up to?" I roll my eyes and shake my head.

She has no right asking me questions. I mean...I don't have to answer that. "I've been stressed out because of Isabelle. Okay?" - Maisie goes from looking like she wants to kill me to wanting to kiss me - "If you really must know...I've been stressing out. I go to Hyde Park and I just...sit there and read all of these books about parenting out of the library." I mean I googled 'how do I get baby to know I (dad) love it?' once, it didn't give me any answered so I closed that tab and googled '2019 movies' instead. That's more than the teenage council estate expectant father's do, innit?

Fucking father of the year I am.

"Oh my gosh. Dan..." Maisie sympathetically says as she starts to cry for no reason. "You are such a blessing of a father to our baby girl, do you know that?" Fucking tell me about it.

"You can go out whenever you feel stressed okay. I'm sorry for asking. I thought you're having an affair or something." Maisie laughs in relief while I keep my mouth shut...and my eyes wide open.

I might be having an affair...