𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚍

𝚆𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚑 𝚘𝚗.

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚜𝚒𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎

𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚗.

𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝙸 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚖𝚢𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎.

𝙳𝚎𝚎𝚙 𝚋𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛.

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚜𝚘 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚗𝚘𝚠.

𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚟𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚊 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚘 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚍.

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎'𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚘.

𝙸𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛.

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝'𝚍 𝚜𝚘 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚗𝚘𝚠.

𝚁𝚞𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚎𝚕𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚢 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚔𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚍.

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎'𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚘.

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍,

𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚗 𝚍𝚘𝚠𝚗.

"There's no way you just got Lennon Seagrave's digits!" Dustin poked fun at Eddie with a stuttering laugh. "You are aware she's like... being chased after by half the school, right? Everyone talks about her but she's too intimidating for anyone to even approach her."

"Shut your mouth, Henderson," Eddie defended, pulling his chair out and peering into the folded piece of paper so nobody read it over his shoulder.

Don't follow me.

He kept a stoic look on his face before he crumpled it in his fist and slid in back beside Max and Grant.

"She probably told him to fuck off," Gareth snickered, causing Grant to giggle beside him.

Eddie elbowed Grant in the side and kicked Gareth in the shin underneath the table, causing them both to wince and yelp out in pain.

Eddie slumped over in his seat and chewed on a chip he packed in his lunchbox which secretly stored all his weed and cigarettes in a hidden compartment beneath all his food.

He knew he crossed the line.

Shit...

"Don't act like you know her," Max protected Lennon now that she wasn't there to do it herself. "She's literally just living her life and all you guys want to do is talk about getting a piece of her ass," Max rolled her eyes before taking a bite out of her sandwich.

"Hey, I wasn't talking about myself. I'm happily taken," Dustin was quick to put his hands up innocently.

"Yes, Dustin," Will rolled his eyes. "As if you'd ever let us forget."

"Susie's a certified genius. I'm not sorry if I can't help but express my amazement."

It was like Dustin was waiting for Eddie to tell him to shut up because he immediately went silent and his expectant eyes went to the sulking older gentleman at the table.

When Dustin turned to look, so did Will, then Gareth, then Mike, and soon Grant and Jeff's eyes went to him curiously.

Eddie kept staring out into the middle of the table until he noticed the sudden lack of conversation around him. He met everyone's stares and quickly shot them all a look of judgment. "What?"

"What'd she say to you, dude?" Jeff chuckled, finding Eddie's sudden dejected behavior amusing.

"It couldn't have been that bad!" Dustin added humorously.

"Would you all shut up?" Eddie ridiculed the boys at the table. "Can a man not think in peace?"

"I don't know. That 'thinking' looked an awful lot like contemplating," Will giggled, earning a laugh from Mike, Jeff, and Dustin.

Eddie scanned the boys sitting across from him with a deathly glare in his eyes as he swished his spit around on his tongue. He rubbed his fingers together warningly and their laughter eventually died off.

"What is... comtemplating?" Jane wondered in that lost, monotone voice of hers as she asked Max from across the table.

Everyone laughed except Max, and Jane felt like she had said something wrong. Little did she know, her question was just amusing to ask in front of the person being accused of contemplating.

"It means thoughtful consideration," Max replied kindly, shooting Dustin, Will, and Mike a warning glare down the line.

"More like suicidal..." Grant choked on a laugh, causing Jeff and Gareth to follow his lead.

"I invite you meatheads to make more delicate and graceful friends and all I get in return is a bully recital," Eddie grumbled, shutting his metal lunchbox angrily before getting to his feet and doing the very thing he was told not to do.

Eddie kept his head low as he hurried into the hall. He didn't dare go into the girl's bathroom again because that went well last time so he went to the only other place he could imagine her going.

He briskly walked to the courtyard behind the school, thinking back to the comment Lennon mumbled and made sense of it when the cold air hit his face.

"Jesus... Christ..." he cursed under his breath, doing a little jump to get his blood flowing, and quickly shoved one of his hands into his pocket to keep his ligatures from freezing off first.

He shook his head to clear it of any thoughts about the weather and started looking for her.

***

Lennon was pressed to the side of the building with her eyes screwed shut and her chest heaving heavily as she tried to catch her breath.

Her mind felt like it was running a marathon through the fissures of her brain, leaping and sprinting through the squiggly sulci and gyri of her actual anatomy.

She was just trying to have a conversation with some friends...

She was just trying to be normal...

She was just trying to fit back into society...

She just wanted everything to stop. She wanted people to stop judging her. She wanted the world to stop turning for just a second for her to catch up. She wanted time to stand still. She wanted everything to stop; just for a moment, just long enough for her to collect herself.

Her face felt taut but she knew it wasn't.

Her skin felt like it was on fire. Like when you run your hand under scorching hot water and the heat is so extreme that it feels like ice, that's exactly what her skin felt like from the inside.

Her limbs felt like they were locking up and getting stiff.

Her hands were trembling at her sides as she picked at her cuticles as a way to ground herself.

Her chest was stuffy and her breathing would have been audible if her hearing hadn't gone deafened.

She could feel her rapid heartbeat pulsating in her throat and her feet as she pressed her backside to the building.

She knew what this was.

She knew what was happening and yet it always felt like she was dying. Like this time, the anxiety would consume her and her heart would stop pumping or her lungs would stop breathing if she didn't consciously keep them moving.

Her mind leaped from the idea of her making a fool of herself at the game on the following Friday to the idea of being seen with Eddie, to the thought of lying to him to get him to leave her alone.

She knew it was best; for him to leave her alone. But it was impossible to do when she was the one incapable of leaving him alone.

He would play her like the strings of his guitar and she wouldn't be able to turn down the opportunity to be with him. The risks and the consequences seemed to drain out of her whenever given the chance.

After all, every time she got into his van, the more likely she was to put herself in danger. But she felt oddly safe with him. She felt... okay, when he was around, even if her heart did give a little harder and her stomach turned into knots, it was way better than this...

She didn't know what was worse: the thought of being caught with Eddie, the thought of hurting him and begging him to leave her alone, or the fact she couldn't breathe.

She kept trying to breathe through what felt like cotton drenched in gasoline. If her airways didn't feel blocked, she felt like choking on the fumes that soaked them. For a moment, she feared she would suffocate and nobody would find her body for hours.

But the next thing she knew, her hearing popped back into place and the sound of the wind rattling the bones of the dying trees alerted her of her surroundings. Her eyes shot open and she was facing the open expanse of the dulled lawn before meeting the wooded area surrounding the school.

Her eyes raced across the shadowed stretch of trees as she blinked past the tears streaming down her reddened face. She tried to calm down, she tried to stop it, she tried to control it... but all she wanted to do was scream out in agony.

She felt like she was dying but she didn't want anyone to know. Her mind was a mess and none of it made sense, not even to her.

She just knew what she was feeling and she wished she wasn't one of the people who had to experience panic or anxiety attacks. They all felt so stupid. Like she was crying and sobbing for no good reason. She wasn't injured and nobody died. She felt crazy sometimes thinking her body and mind could convince her she was in danger when she really wasn't. She didn't know why she was crying now. It didn't make sense.

She watched the wind shake the aging branches of the trees and flatter the blades of grass by her feet but the air wasn't making its way into her lungs the way it was supposed to. She heaved and gasped and silently cried when her hands made their way into her hair and she pressed her palms to her temples in an attempt to relieve some pressure.

But that too did her no good until her name was called.

"Lennon. Hey-" Eddie called out as he rounded the corner of the building.

"You don't... Listen do you? Go," she managed to gasp, and the air that she inhaled stuck to the interior of her lungs for a second before she was forced to let it go.

"Whoa... Hey. Are... you okay?"

"Leave me alone..." she turned her back on him and quickly wiped her face clear of tears. She sniffled and wiped at her nose with the inside of her long-sleeved shirt sticking out from her jacket.

"Look... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Eddie..." she pleaded, causing her voice to break and for Eddie to get closer to see if she was alright. "Please..." she begged, sniffling again and squeezing tightly onto the cloth of her shirt for comfort. "Leave me alone."

A gust of wind blew and her tear-stained cheeks felt blistered in an instant. She sighed and wiped at them again, making them burn with heat and friction before she was forced to turn back towards Eddie to shield the bitter winter from doing more damage.

Her eyes went up to his apologetically and even though the tears were gone, her eyes were shiny and her face was red and slightly puffy.

"Are you okay, Lennon? I'm sorry. Whuh- Is there... What happened?" he stuttered, setting his lunchbox down and pulling his hands from his pockets, and extending them slightly to show his efforts to help.

"Please..." she heaved, finding it more and more difficult to breathe in his presence. "Just... Leave me... Be..." she inhaled between nearly every word as she avoided his eyes now, growing self-conscious and embarrassed to be so weak in front of him; in front of anybody really...

"You're not okay..." he drew out with a worried stare. He couldn't leave her like that. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he had just left her in that kind of state. "It's..." he sighed apprehensively, taking notice of how she held herself in her arms. It was in the rhythm of her breathing, the stifled, stuffy, straggling inhales as her breath seemed to be pushed out from her body at a rate she couldn't keep up with. "Look at me."

His tone turned reassuring as he straightened his posture and lifted his hands to his chest.

"What?" she looked back at him cynically.

"Look at me," he repeated himself more sternly but calmly. It wasn't ordering but it was insistently gentle. "Don't look or think about anything else. Just... trust me. Look at me," he set his palm against the place over his heart as he took a step closer.

"Eddie..." she cried out, wiping at her eyes again and sniffling, feeling like every oxygen molecule in the world had dropped to the center of gravity and she was unable to cling to anything for life support. "Please..."

"Stop," he ordered. "I'm the beggar right now, don't take my thunder, Clever One. I've been working my whole life for this part. Eyes on me," he joked with a soft smile, forcing her eyes off the ground as her body felt the urge to react with a sign of humor.

But that feeling didn't last long and her eyes fell back down to the ground as soon as she met his gaze, feeling ashamed for crying at school, in the middle of the day, and for no reason whatsoever.

"Hey!" he ridiculed her. "My eyes are up here, you cheeky devil," he chuckled, using his index and middle finger to direct her sudden attention onto his serious brown eyes. "At least buy me dinner before feasting your eyes on my smoking hot bod."

His hand ran down the center of his chest before both of them moved to caress his backside and back up again.

"What are you doing?" she shook her head and felt the corners of her lips turn upward slightly. And even though she was reluctant, she still followed his advice and met his eyes.

"What are you doing?!" Eddie's voice went up in pitch as he smiled. "Don't you know the booty will wait until the second date," he rolled his eyes flamboyantly, flipping his hair and batting his eyelashes in the process.

"What the hell are you-" her eyes fell back down towards the ground before she was interrupted. She had taken a step back and she sniffled but the urge to disappear remained. She would much rather die in that instant than let this ravishing man see her like that.

"Lennon..." he ridiculed, widening his eyes and gasping with surprise. "Look, I'm free on Tuesday night but this flirtatious mental undressing of yours needs to stop..." he grumbled nonchalantly. "I'm getting nervous..." he pretended to act shy and flattered by her shameless teasing.

"What are you talking about? Eddie... I-"

"There!" he jumped forward, reeling her eyes in like a fish with a giant smile on his face. He refused to blink and risk losing his grasp on them so he watched her intently. "Right there," he pointed between her eyes. "What is that?" he peered closer, taking a step forward but not daring to get within her two-foot radius in case he made her uncomfortable.

"What?" she scoffed, not understanding anything he was saying or doing.

She watched inquisitively as his eyes moved from her right to her left one. He was trying to piece something together but she couldn't imagine what. All she could focus on were those round brown eyes, reading her and analyzing her for some unknown reason.

She was captivated by how colorful such a seemingly dull color could be.

They were a dark brown when he was bored or covered by shade, so dark they seemed enchantingly mysterious and nearly black.

They were dazzling in the sunlight, making craters of honey in his whiskey-like gaze.

But now, they were almost glowing like little pieces of amber or calcite. There were glints of orange and black in them and even though it was freezing, she was instantly warmed under their observation.

"That!" he exclaimed with glee. "I fucking knew it!" he clapped his hands together gently, noticing how jumpy she was around loud noises, and resorted to doing everything with a lenient delicacy that didn't come naturally to him in order to accommodate the girl he was facing.

"You love my shit-brown eyes," he restrained a laugh as he smiled. "C'mon..." he drew out handsomely, extending his arms and raising his brows to show his humor more animatedly. "You know you do!"

"What. The actual fuck..." she giggled while breaking eye contact. Her laughter caused her hand to cover her mouth as she swung her body back before reeling closer to Eddie once she regained her composure. "What is wrong with you?" she chuckled, sniffling and wiping at her nose again.

"A lot," he promised her humorously. "But what does that make you?" he leered sarcastically. "You love my shit-colored eyes and you're just mad because I figured it out," he snickered, leaving a pair of dimples in his wake.

"I... That's not," she giggled, toppling over and hiding her face in a new kind of shame now for finding his idiotic jokes funny. "Wait..." she drew out suspiciously, realizing the tears had disappeared and her chest felt less clouded for a little while now. "What did you just do?" she was staring up at him with wonder in her eyes.

It was like magic.

There was still a ton of uncomfortable, itchy, static-like friction in her chest but she had stopped crying. Her head wasn't showing her flashes or horrible images or compiling a list of things that could go wrong. She was at ease.

Eddie hummed. "It's nothing..." he smiled warmly, pulling his hands to his back and clasping them together in secret triumph.

"That was definitely not nothing!" she pressed her hand to her cheek and pushed past the sting to feel the warmth radiate from her body heat. "What... Hu- How did you..."

She was at a loss of words.

"Know how to stop your panic attack?" he asked bluntly. "You sure you want Eddie The Freak to know that's what you were having just a few minutes ago? A panic attack?" he pondered warily. "You were begging me to leave you alone so..." he put his hands up in surrender and started to back away with a pouted lip but Lennon was having none of it.

He knew he had done something helpful and that was enough. If she wanted him gone, he could disappear knowing he helped her in some way.

"Stop," she chuckled, moving forward and taking him but the jacket to keep him from leaving.

When she realized how close they had gotten and that she was touching his clothes, she immediately let go, backed away, and let her eyes hit the floor.

Eddie noticed her discomfort.

But she had made the first move. She ascended onto him. She touched him. She wanted him to stay.

Maybe he wasn't what made her uncomfortable... Maybe it was her who made herself uncomfortable...

"I've had my fair share of panic attacks," he broke the sudden tension, earning her nervous gaze as he spoke about his experience with them after he got to high school. "I had a friend who showed me the eye trick," he briefly pointed to his eye as a reference, lazily swinging his leg out and ruffling the blades of grass beneath his heel.

"I found out that if you force yourself out of her head and into something outside of it, then there's an opening for all the..." he made a screwy face and he twirled his finger in the air by his temple. "Thoughts," he cringed. "To leave with you. And when you decide to go back home," he knocked on his skull with his knuckles. "You don't let them follow you and you lock that bitch behind you."

Lennon smiled amusingly at his animated retelling. "That's really cool..." she cooed. "It's smart. I... never thought about it like that," she agreed shyly. "But..." her smile faded with realization. "You said 'had'..."

"Huh?" Eddie furrowed his brows.

"You said..." her eyes faltered and she was suddenly staring back at the ground. "You had a friend..."

Eddie nodded his head and bit his lip. "Yep," he popped the 'p' as his eyes shifted towards the wooded area nearby. "Warren. He overdosed five years ago."

Eddie was chewing on the inside of his lip as he tried not to get caught up in the grief again, knowing the past was in the past and there was nothing more to do other than remember the guy who got him through some of the darkest of his days.