I don't know where I'm going until I arrive.

The building is the only lit one for miles, its lights shine through the fog like an eerie beacon.

For the first time, I'm glad the library closes so late.

When I walk through the doors they slide back automatically and a rush of cool air from a nearby air conditioner greets me. I shiver involuntarily.

Without thinking about it twice, I begin to make my way right to the back of the library. Already knowing what I'm looking for.

I'm going to the place where my grandparents' special edition of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is. Right at the back, where... I shake my head to clear my thoughts but it doesn't stop the blush that rises on my cheeks with each step I take towards those familiar shelves.

Once I get there my heart picks up in pace, like it's a separate creature. Remembering and wanting for itself. I shut my eyes for a brief moment, imagining Levi here with me.

Mum made me return the book a few weeks back when she saw how overdue it was. I never got the chance to properly read it or even show Granddad. My heart tugs and suddenly I'm afraid.

I need to get it, to show him now.

The book is easy to find, it's wedged between the same two novels it was earlier and almost falls into my hands when I take it out. It's heavy and tattered and soon I'm heading towards the receptionists' desk. I place the book carefully before the person sat there.

"How much can I pay to buy this?" I ask breathlessly. "I'll give anything."

The librarian sitting at the desk looks taken aback. She clears her throat before replying, "We don't sell books. We're a library."

That's when I realise who I'm speaking to. It's the same librarian who had sternly told Levi and I off and asked us to leave.

My heart sinks.

She notices the expression on my face and tries to give me a reassuring smile. "It's terribly old and battered anyway. You know, I think a new edition of Alice in Wonderland has just arrived in the bookshops if you want to-"

"I'm sorry- I don't want a new edition. I need this one." I cringe at how desperate I sound, but I am desperate. I have no idea what it is that makes me want this book so much but I know I need it.

I don't know if it's how tired I look, how my voice is struggling to get past the rising lump in my throat or what, but the librarian's expression softens.

Just barely, she nudges the book in my direction. "Well, I expect this wouldn't have lasted much longer here anyway..." she begins softly. "And we are short in volunteers. If you could perhaps spare a few hours here I'm sure no one would mind me giving it away," she says at last.

"Yes!" My face breaks out in a smile and I'm nodding way too enthusiastically. "I promise. Thank you so much."

She waves me off, not before asking if I'm alright and whether she needs to call anyone. This time I'm shaking my head, unable to say anything now as I hold the book tightly to my chest and take a step backwards towards the door.

"Thank you," I say again, holding the book tighter as I begin to take off. "I really do apprec- ooph." I've smacked into someone behind me. The book tumbles to the ground and with a grunt, I stumble a few steps back, taken off guard and flustered.

An apology is already half way out of my mouth as I turn around to see who it is.

My mouth falls open.

A brown-eyed, wild brown-haired boy returns my gaze.

"Levi?" I gasp. My mind doesn't know how to react, relief and surprise floods through me. "What are you doing here?"

Levi looks like he doesn't know what he's doing here. For once, he's at a loss for words. "I came for you," he hesitates for a moment, "And I thought, maybe I'd find you here. Because of the book."

Now it's me who doesn't know what to say. My face flushes and my mouth opens and closes like a goldfish. I shake my head. "You didn't have to find me," I say in a quiet voice. I feel terrible that I just left him there at the hospital, that he's made all this effort to come out here and get me. My cheeks flame.

He takes my words the wrong way. Levi's shoulders slump and he sighs, shrugging his shoulders a little. "I wanted to. But I shouldn't have-"

"No, no." I hold out a hand, grasping his wrist. "I'm glad you're here."

Levi stills, looking down at my hand. He glances up again and his eyes are warm, hesitant. "I'm always here, Bug," he replies softly, his voice so gentle it coaxes warmth to hum right through me.

"Come on." I nod towards the doors. "Let's go."

We sit in the car quietly.

Levi calls my parents, letting them know that I'm ok. I'm not quite up to talking to them yet.

I'm not sure what I'm ready to do. We're just sat here in the car park, with the overhead light on, dimly filling the car with a yellow glow.

I lean back in the seat, finally feeling a little calmer. Just the sound of Levi's breath beside me, the sight of his hand near mine, I feel safer. I want to reach forward and hold it, but I'm afraid he might still be hurt.

Distantly, we can hear the last train of the night humming by and soft buzzing hover of summer insects outside the window. the It's so warm and almost peaceful that I don't want to get out.

"I'm sorry I left you," I begin quietly, my eyes gazing down on the worn carpet. "I know, I always do it... I'm always running away. Or pushing you away. I don't deserve you looking for me at all." My voice teeters out, like a dry tap with nothing left to give. Levi's quiet beside me, he moves, drawing away I think, by the gulf of space that suddenly rushes in between us, somehow cold despite it being July.

"Ruby," he whispers softly and I look up. "You don't need to apologise, what you're going through... I understand." He hasn't moved away from me but is sitting to face me as much as he can in the awkward car seat. He reaches for my hand and I breathe out a sigh of relief, so loud the corner of his lips curl up in that signature smile of amusement. Levi rubs his thumb against my knuckles, the gesture easing warmth back into me.

Then slowly, I clasp his fingers in mine and guide them near me. Just like the time he was drunk and heartbroken in my car before summer, I hold his hand against my heart. It's pounding so fast against my ribs, my cheeks instantly flush red, knowing he can feel the effect he has on me. "That's what it's like when I'm around you. All the time," I whisper.

I haven't been able to forget those words he said to me that night. Or the regret that I've felt at not being able to say them back.

Levi's eyes are golden, warm and beautiful. He leans his forehead against mine and exhales quietly, closing his eyes. "I have never felt this way about anyone. To be honest, it's terrifying... Really bloody terrifying, actually."

I laugh quietly, biting my lower lip as I close my eyes too. Here, enveloped in the darkness with Levi beside me, I am slowly beginning to feel like I can face this.

Levi shifts, dropping a soft kiss against my forehead, then my nose before drawing me in and holding me tight in his arms. He kisses the knuckles of the hand that was on my heart, tucks my hair behind my ear before kissing my cheek as he pulls me in even closer. Each touch, each kiss is slowly reminding me that I'm alive again. My limbs no longer feel like marble. He leans in and whispers something so softly, I don't hear it.

Then again, softly, Levi quietly says, "I love you so much, Ruby. I have, all this time. This whole year."

My mind spins and my it's as though my heart's caught alight, in bright, hot white light. I feel endless. My heart pounds and I close my eyes, leaning forward to softly kiss him. Levi lets out a stuttered breath and shifts forwards, planting a hand against my seat to steady himself. His lips are soft and I kiss him gently, passionately, all at once, to try show how I feel.

Each of his kisses mirror mine.

Smiling, against his lips, I whisper, "I love you, Levi. So much."

Things are no longer confusing. There are no what-if's or questions between us when Levi presses a final, gentle kiss against my lips. I close my eyes tighter, holding onto the warmth that rushes through me, this wild and strong feeling only he gives me.

And a few moments later, I am ready to open the book.

I exhale unsteadily and open the cover. Levi sits beside me, gently letting go of me to let me turn through the pages. My fingers run across the aged paper and faded ink softly. I turn a page, then two, then whole chapters in search of something, anything that my grandparents might have left.

Chapter upon chapter go by. My hopes are fading when-

I see it, right there at the end. A message, written in that same swirling, midnight blue ink that intrudes a whole page with stars and the words: 'OUR FAVOURITE LINE.' Levi's breath catches next to me. My hand instinctively reaches out and finds his. His warm fingers enclose around mine.

I'm almost not able to read it at first, I'm so over whelmed. And then finally, my eyes move towards the heavily underlined words. My voice is a quiet whisper when I read it aloud, 'I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.'

The words wash over me, a cadence of wonderful meaning and pain.

It's so beautiful, so true that I find myself smiling with tears welling in my eyes.

Levi holds my hand tighter. "Bloody Lewis Carol," he says under his breath, half-amused and sad. His words make me laugh as I wipe my eyes. I read the line again, silent this time and let out a shaky breath.

English has never been my strength and I don't know if I'm getting the meaning right, or if it's what Lewis Carol even wants me to feel, but at this moment in space and time, that line hits me. Hard. It's in this moment when I realise that the past belongs to the past, and that now I am somebody new.

Going through all this again with Granddad doesn't have to be like what it was before. I'm finally getting that I'm no longer that terrified girl who was unsure of everything, who constantly felt everything slipping from her fingertips.

All this time I've been taking back everything I thought I lost since that dark evening we got the call that Grandma had passed away. I've known laughter, warmth, what it feels like to have a lighter heart. I was too blind to realise it, too afraid by change that I even ended up running away from it.

But now there are new stories to tell, about wayward friends and a boy I met on a cold November afternoon.

All this time, I've been running away. Now I'm here and there's nowhere else to go.

There's one thing Granddad and I need to do.

I take a deep breath and hold Levi's hand tightly. He grasps it just as tight back, his fingers warm and reassuring.

Letting go, I feel ready.

I turn the ignition key.

* * *

Outside the hospital, it's late enough that everything's sleepily quiet.

Levi stays behind at reception, assuring me he'll still be here despite my protests that he goes home and gets some sleep.

When I return to Granddad's ward and find Dad is waiting outside with Mum. They both look worried sick and my stomach dips, I feel guilty that I've made them more worried.

"Ruby, where on earth have you been?" Mum asks, rising off her chair and rushing towards me. "I called you so many times, why didn't you pick up?" She throws her arms around me, pulling me in for a fierce hug. I close my eyes, breathing in the faint scent of her perfume and hugging her back.

"I'm sorry," I mumble. "I just needed some time to clear my head." We draw away and Dad stands hesitantly next to her. I reach forward and hug him too. He smiles, hugging me tightly, relieved.

"I'm sorry, honey," he sighs. "About all this, we never meant to keep it from you."

"I get it, I do." I nod, glancing towards the closed doors. "Is Granddad awake?"

Dad nods. He doesn't look so downcast as earlier I dare to wonder if Granddad's feeling a little better. "Would you like to see him?"

Granddad is sitting propped up on pillows and under a mound of blankets, reading a newspaper. He almost looks at home, as though if you blurred your eyes, you could mistake him for being back at our house rather than here.

"Granddad." My voice catches as the word leaves my throat and all of a sudden I find my eyes stinging.

"Ruby." Grandad's face breaks out into a smile that's delighted and heartbroken all at once. Now I am crying.

I rush forwards and tentatively throw my arms around him, hugging him so hesitantly it's as though he's made of glass and I'm afraid he'll break on me any moment.

Grandad holds me tightly back.

"I'm sorry, Ruby," he says in a trembling, quiet voice, "I've been such a fool."

I draw away, shaking my head as I wipe a hand across my eyes. "Please don't apologise."

"No, I want to." Granddad can't meet my eyes. He shakes his head, a tear running down his cheek as he balls up a fist in frustration. "Everything that I put you all through."

I sit down on the chair beside him. A small laugh leaves my lips when I notice three cartons of apple juice on the tray before him. Granddad looks at them too and laughs.

And then we're quiet for a moment. I take a deep breath. "What happened?" I ask softly.

He's silent for ages. I watch him, the way his brows furrow as he tries to find the right words. Granddad's always got to find the right words, even now, here in hospital. It's as though his whole life is a story and he's got to find the right way to paint it to me.

"Lots of things are easy in this world," he begins quietly. "It's easy to fall back into dark thoughts about dark times, it's so easy I was almost surprised to find myself back there. Life can be so bloody cruel, Ruby. Life can take away the love of your life and still have the nerve to remind you about wedding anniversaries. So you start wondering, how did I ever get by without my love, without Evelyn? And the next thing you know, you start thinking, maybe I don't want to get by at all. But then you try and get back out but it's like a black hole, it keeps sucking you back in."

Granddad takes a shaky breath, his eyes filling with tears.

"The heart, the soul- emotions are very difficult things." He smiles sadly when he sees my face, knowing that I've felt just the same. "Everyone talks about the monsters in fairy-tales that make you want to run away. Dragons, beasts, ogres. No one tells you about the heart, which manages to terrify you just as much. If not more."

I fold my arms on his blankets and rest my chin on it, it hurts hearing that he's been so broken. "The heart is bloody terrifying," I say gently. "But it also gives so much to be happy about. There's so many friends, so much family, so many people out there that are here for you. Trust me, I know."

Grandad smiles wistfully. "We both made the same mistake, we shut everybody out."

I sit up, holding one of his hands. "Not anymore, we've got each other, and we've got everyone. Whenever you feel sad, or alone, we're here. Right?"

He nods, this time his bushy white eyebrows crinkling in assurance. "Yes. This old fool is finally realising how many people he has beside him."

Drawing back, I reach for my bag at my feet. "I've got something for you," I say with a small smile.

When I gently place the heavy book on Granddad's blankets, he gasps quietly, his eyes alight with wonder and disbelief. "Where did you find this?"

"The library still had it," I answer, watching him run a hand across the cover before carefully opening the cover makes my smile grow wider.

"It's ancient," he chuckles to himself. "I'm surprised... Do you remember Evelyn and I telling you about this? About our message..." He flips through the pages, past the little love-heart and note, down to the all-important line.

Grandad laughs and I'm laughing too, tears shining in both our eyes. "Thank you Ruby," he whispers. "We're no longer yesterday's people, are we?"

I nod, reaching forward and holding his hand tight. "We'll face this, together."

"Together."