I sit on my bed in warm, fluffy pajamas and stuff popcorn into my mouth. I love the butter salt flavor, it is my life.

I'm not even watching a movie or anything, I'm just staring at nothing in particular and stuffing food into my mouth.

Should I have forgiven Dylan? He wouldn't forgive me but I love him and I want to forgive him, I really do but maybe I shouldn't. He broke up with me and a few hours later he is already smiling and kissing another girl. That's not how it should work. I want to forgive him though.

Stupid heart. Why couldn't I be a vampire or something? Then I would be dead and I wouldn't need a heart.

---

I lie on the floor of my room and stare up at the ceiling. I'm so stupid. I broke up with the only girl that means something to me. It has been three years since I have been in love.

When I kissed Maya today I didn't expect it to have the effect it did on me. I thought I would leave her speechless before I broke up with her but I wasn't thinking about how it would leave me speechless too. I wish I didn't say we were over, I wasn't thinking. I was being selfish and letting my emotions rule because it brought back bad memories of being hurt before.

Maya said that every time she looked at me, I was smiling. The only problem with that is that a smile doesn't necessarily mean you're happy, you could be trying to hide what you don't want other people to see. That's exactly what I was doing.

I should have forgiven Maya. I forgave Sebastian because he has been my best friend for so long that it would be weird without him but Maya... She just slapped me and some how I fell in love with her.

I can't believe I still love her. Who am I kidding, of course I love her. She's funny and smart and she looks so adorable in my hoodies that are way too big for her.

Tears roll down the side of my face as I stare up. I have already forgiven Maya but now she hates me. I was stupid. I know I was stupid and I don't even know the name of the girl that I kissed back. I was just so upset that when that girl kissed me, I was imagining Maya's lips against mine and I lost it. That was until I saw Maya walk out of the silent cafeteria.

I had to run after her. I would run around the entire planet for her if she wanted me to. She would have probably run for me too except for the fact that she would die from a one kilometer run. Or at least she would have but now she probably won't even run a few meters for me.

It's my fault and I know it.

Why couldn't everything just work out. Why is there no happily ever after? Is that just for fairy tales and movies?

I was thinking about Olivia too. That's why I overreacted, because the pain of what Olivia did was still there when I saw Maya and Sebastian together. When Olivia cheated on me I lost all trust in girls. I even pushed my mom out and she didn't deserve that, she is and was the most amazing mom in the world but I didn't care.

Every single one of the girls in my life got pushed out by me and I built a wall around myself. Somehow Maya was my Shrek and she ended up saving me from a tower that I locked myself in.

I'm not saying that she's a green ogre, I'm saying that she is funny, weird and she farts a lot.

I'm just kidding about the last part.

Olivia did this to me. She made me lock myself in a tower that I couldn't leave. It wasn't just the fact that the only girl I loved cheated on me, it was the fact that she cheated on me... With my dad.

She used me to get to him because he had a lot of money and he was single after he left my mom and she slept with my father.

She slept with my father.

That was something that I could never forgive Olivia for and she felt so bad that she left the country. Just when I needed the girl I loved most, she left. I have no idea what happened to her but she never apologized and that is when I became a monster.

I bullied others to take away my pain. My dad gave me anything I wanted to make me forgive him and I did, not because of the money but because he was my father. I pushed away my mother instead when all she needed was love. My dad left her and then I stopped talking to her and because of that, I wasn't the only one that cried myself to sleep for a year. She had to take sleeping pills and anti-depressants just so she could sleep. I was so selfish and I took everything out on the people that didn't deserve it.

I ruined people's lives the way Olivia and my dad ruined mine. The worst part was that my dad used me by giving me money. He got me to do all his dirty work and all the illegal business for him so that if he got caught, he could blame me and I was so blinded that I didn't see it because my dad had been my role model since I was small. I wanted to be rich, just like him.

I didn't know he was a monster.

When he saw Maya, the way he looked at her made my blood boil because I knew exactly what he was thinking.

He wanted to sleep with her too, the way he did with Olivia.

He is a sick pervert that wears a suit to make himself seem more than he is.

I hate him.

My mom walks into the room, "Honey, are you alright?" she asks, closing the door behind her. "Carly told me you said she must never fall in love..."

I sigh and stand up, facing my mom. She sees my tears and I see the pain in her eyes, "Mi querido, por favor, no llores [My darling, please dont cry]." she whispers, walking up to me and hugging me.

I lean down and hug her back, placing my head on her shoulder and letting my tears fall onto her skin. I let out a sob and she rubs my back, "It's okay sweetheart, what happened?" she whispers.

"Mom, I'm such an idiot. I broke up with Maya and I kissed another girl in front of her and now she hates me." I say crying harder.

My mom is strong and independent which she would not have been if my dad didn't leave her. She went through hell to become who she is today.

"The girl that was throwing flour and eggs at you?" my mom asks and I laugh against the tears, "That's the one."

"Oh, I like her. Such a nice girl." My mom comments. "I know mom. I like her too." I state and let go of my mom, sitting down on my bed.

"Well if you like her, what are you still doing here estúpido [ you stupid]? Ve a buscar a tu chica [Go get your girl]." she states and I smile at my mom.

She's right, I need to get my girl.

---

Qotd: "Eighty percent of success is showing up."

—Woody Allen