"Two more shots of tequila, please!" I shouted over the loud music to the barman, and he nodded, quickly turning around and grabbing the bottle.

I observed my surroundings, seeing a whole sea of people. Ones I knew, and the other I didn't, but I guess they're just guys that the first ones invited to come with them. I didn't mind it at all, I even think that this party is so good because of lots of people.

I glanced at the dance floor and all the lights, then at the DJ guy, and once I turned around my shots were ready to drink. I didn't think much as I gulped them both down, hissing quietly at the feeling of my throat burning.

Us, means the cast and crew, have a bar rented for the entire night. It made quite an impression but also caused a wave of relief to wash over me. I could let go for the whole night, not stress or worry, and, oh, how I waited for a moment like this. I know I shouldn't, but I'll probably end up being disproportionately intoxicated by the end of our little party.

I was also expecting Johnny to arrive and stop me halfway through. I understand him, though, if something wasn't as fucked up in my brain as it is right now, I'd probably try to save myself, too. The thing is that I moved on to a higher level of not giving a fuck, and I'm too much of a coward to turn back and choose the right path. Life, I guess.

I suddenly locked eyes with a tall, brunette man leaning on a wall nearby the bar. I smiled as he took a sip of, what I presumed was, whiskey with ice, taking a drag out of a cigarette right after. He winked. Fuck, that's hot.

I wondered if the courage I earned from drinking tequila would be enough to maybe drag him to the dance floor, and then.. who knows?

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Johnny. I let out the breath I seemed to be holding while participating in the staring contest.

"You again." I mumbled, bringing a cigarette up to my lips. Damn it, I'm nearly already running out and I'm only getting started here.

"It's nice to see you, too." he replied sarcastically, sitting beside me on a bar stool. "You decided to show up after all?"

I looked in the direction of the interesting male representative in who's eyes I got so caught up earlier, only to find out that he was still studying my face and cleavage, since the second one wasn't so modestly covered with the sorta V-neck shirt I was wearing.

I turned to Johnny.

"Don't look up to fast, but there's a man standing over there by the wall." he got the hint, his gaze still fixed on me as I was talking. "What do you think?"

Few seconds had passed before he glanced at the mysterious guy, but when he did, you could easily notice it wasn't just brief, but kind of heavy. His brows furrowed a bit.

"Six out of ten, I'd say. Pretty average. Why-" he started but then I guess he saw the smirk on my face. "Don't you even-"

"Why not?" I argued. "He looks pretty decent."

"You've had too many drinks,"

"Says who?"

He looked me in the eyes in a way where after few seconds I had to avert mine.

"El, don't start."

"What?" I said innocently. "I'm just asking you to loose some tonight. Just tonight."

"Do whatever you want. If you wanna go and do something stupid - go. There's no point in stopping you." he answered, I don't know if mad or just agitated.

"Thank you,"

He left somewhere and I ordered some more alcohol. In moments like these I was glad I'm a total light-head and can get tipsy within just couple shots. I know that it sounds like an almost anti-flex, but believe me, it's more fun taking a little and already feeling good than taking a lot and not sensing any difference. Johnny was a walking example of such high tolerance.

I mindlessly made my way to the dance floor, not caring if I will just embarrass myself or not. I liked almost all the songs that were so loud they vibrated through the building, which means someone here has a great taste. I subconsciously wished the stranger I spotted few whiles ago will join me, but that seemed more like a book reality than the true reality.

I got lost in the not-so-small crowd of people. Mostly they were crew guys, the cast was in the other part of the room. Where, I believe, Johnny was residing, too. But, he's not here so I'll have to impolitely make him get out of my head.

I suddenly felt two big hands on my waist from behind me, and I instinctively leaned back onto the person's chest.

"Hello." he said seductively in my ear. I've never heard this voice before, but I liked it so much goosebumps appeared on my skin. "I've seen how you looked at me. God, you're a beautiful creature."

I grinned. I mean, who wouldn't? It's nice to hear a compliment from time to time.

I felt his hands wander a bit more up, a little too up for my liking. I placed mine over his and guided them to my hips instead. I became aware of his body warmth coming down at me and, probably because of the alcohol, it was driving me crazy. All of a sudden I wanted to just turn around and get my hands all over him. I don't think he would mind it.

The crowd seemed to part a little, allowing me to notice all the tables placed by the walls, hence also all the people sitting and drinking. And, yet again, I locked eyes with someone. With someone who could make me feel as hot and tingly, like the man I was so closely dancing with, without even touching me. Elektra, geez, stop with all the weird thoughts. I both hate and love being drunk, but mostly I'm curious from which part of my brain the strange ideas are suddenly taken and placed in the spotlight.

He furrowed his dark brows, and I'm not so sure about his jaw clenching. Anyway, he seemed absent in the conversation other cast members were having, his gaze mostly fixed here, on the dance floor.

The song changed and sea closed, cutting off my view.

"I'll be back in a sec. Just gonna get some drinks." I winked to the man behind me, kissing him on the cheek. He smiled, nodding.

Again, shot down my throat. Another one. I felt pure bliss of not-worrying as my vision started tricking me a little. I blinked few times to get it straight.

Then I heard this one song. And saw my, what seemed, new friend walking out of the crowd. I already got excited.

"Do you see this pool table over there?" he asked, sneaking an arm around my waist. I nodded. "I want you to dance for me on it. Like the song says."

I giggled. What do I have to lose?

The song said precisely: Somebody come get her, she's dancing like a stripper, somebody come tip her, she's dancing like a stripper.

Tipsy and dizzy somehow at once I made my way to the table, climbing up and disturbing the current game that few dudes there were playing. Though they suddenly stopped complaining when they saw how I'm unbuttoning my shirt. On the contrary actually, they all started smiling contently.

I don't know if it was only in my head or the DJ guy turned up the volume, but I was definitely sure of the little audience gathering around the pool table. Hereee we go.

I opened wide my shirt, revealing the black bra I had underneath. Though I didn't completely strip from it, I let my shoulders show boldly.

I didn't pay much attention to people around me watching, but I think I saw someone throwing a one-hundred dollar bill near my feet. I was actually just about to open the fly of my pants, when music was suddenly turned off and it got dim all around. Literally, almost all the lights went out, making everyone do a sound of dissatisfaction.

I was abruptly picked up and thrown over somebody's shoulder - if I only knew who's. It was dark and I was almost unconscious from all the alcohol. Though I could hear the sounds of people fading, which means I got carried out of the main room.

"I'm warning you! my mysterious savior, that feww more seconds of carrying me upside

down, and I won't be thee only one covered in pukes."

That's the only thing I managed to mutter before I blacked out.

Wait, where am I? Oh, I see.

I wasn't laying in my sheets, because I immediately noticed they smelled differently, and I could recognize the scent everywhere, not a hint of any hesitation ever existing in this matter. I always loved how it made me feel. It smelled manly, of a one man I could actually entirely trust.

I half-sit up, but fell against the soft pillows as quickly. I don't even know anymore how to express the headache I was experiencing, but it was horrible. Life-stealer. A true dementor consuming vitality.

I laid with my face down to the mattress, trying to remember last night. But only small pictures flashed in my mind.

Guy. Tequila - lots. Dancing sensually with that guy. Johnny's gaze. What kind of gaze? I don't know. More tequila. Then suddenly me on a pool table. Undressing-

"Fuck!" I breathed out into the pillow. I'm so embarrassed that I have to urgently scream into a cushion. I would, if not the fact that the bed wasn't mine.

Wait, who carried me out? I guess it's pretty logical now that I lay in his bed. Shit, he's always there to save me from myself. I should thank him or something.

"Afternoon, sleepyhead. How you feelin'?" I heard Johnny saying like right on cue. Weird, I didn't even hear him entering the room.

At first I didn't wanna look at him at all. The shame resting on me, I guess. But then I decided to peek a little, and I noticed that he brought a glass of water and two small tabs.

"Thank you," I wasn't so picky about painkillers, neither about a glass of cold water. I felt like I wouldn't survive without them.

I laid back down, covering my face with my hands.

"Horrible." I said, answering his previous question.

"Not surprised." he replied. "Listen, El, about yesterday-"

"I really don't wanna talk about it. Like extremely." I suddenly noticed that I'm only in my underwear and a shirt. Not one of mine. "Wait, is this your shirt?"

"Yeah. You threw up all over yourself and I couldn't let you sleep like that."

"You.. undressed me?" which means he saw me only in my underwear. Holy-

His cheeks got pink.

"No- Not in the you know way, just, I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. And stuff." he answered. I giggled a bit.

"I wouldn't mind it in other circumstances,"

I muttered and he chuckled sincerely. "But, uh, thank you anyway."

"Did I fuck up badly?" I asked, glancing at him.

"How bad?"

"In a 1-10 scale."

"Mmm, eight and a half."

"Oh, fuck."

"El, why can't you notice how you're hurting yourself, and not only? Recently you keep-"

"Johnny, I'm not in the mood for another lecture." I interrupted him.

"Then I haven't got a clue how to get to you. How to make you understand."

"You don't have to do it, it's not your responsibility," I pointed out.

"But I want to help you." he argued.

"Any idea where my clothes are?" I asked and he sighed.

"In the washing machine here. You can stay 'til it's done-"

"I'd rather go to my trailer. I need to get myself together and all of that."

"Do you need something?" he asked.

"Some time alone," I mumbled, standing up from the bed. His shirt reached to the middle of my thighs, so that's one thing less to worry about.

He didn't respond anything, though I'm sure he heard me. "Do you want me to bring your clothes over later?"

"Yes, please. Can I return your shirt once you arrive later?"

"Sure."

"That's great. I'm happy we made it peacefully. Thank you again, bye. 'Til later."

And with that I went past him to the door. He said bye back and few minutes later I was back in my trailer.

--

Knock knock

I opened my door, revealing Johnny with a shirt and pants dangling from his forearm.

"Hi," I greeted him. "Come on in."

"The, uh, clothes are still a bit wet." he said, handing me them. He was right, it's still a little damp.

"It's fine." I replied, lighting up a cigarette. I noticed that he looked at me with pity. "What?"

He sighed. "Nothing. Were you writing something new lately?"

"No, I haven't written for quite a bit now."

"Why?"

"I guess I didn't feel like it." I answered shortly, taking a drag. I saw that he held that look in his eyes, again. "Johnny, stop worrying so much. It won't help."

"It would help," he argued, staring right into my soul. "What happened to old El? My El?"

Don't cry. "She's gone. Now there is a new me. And my brain seems so damaged I can't go back from here."

"Bullshit. You can heal from everything. You might not be the same but you can heal."

"Johnny, please." I stood up and made him face my back, pretending to hang the wet clothes so they'd dry faster. I couldn't let him see my glassy eyes, not when he was digging right into the wall I build-up to not accidentally open up and make everyone care too much.

"After every night is a brighter day. Always. That's how the world works. When you said that to me, I felt I had to try, get better, for you. It was my responsibility. Then why suddenly it's not yours, too? I thought we help each other!"

I remained silent. Probably because if I did reply, I'd just burst into tears.

"You're killing yourself, El!" he helplessly said. I could tell that he was struggling, too, to keep it emotionless. "For fucks sake, it pains me to see you like that. I was once also telling people that I don't need help, that I'll take care of myself. But I didn't! I was too

exhausted to do it. And I got help, so please, let me help you."

Silence fell around us as I now saw everything blurry, due to tears in my eyes. One already rolled down my cheek. I bit my lip to avoid any sobs escaping.

I cleared my throat and tried speaking as normally as I could. "Please, can you go? I need to be alone."

Please, I beg you, don't go. I beg you.

It fell silent. I heard him taking a deep breath.

"Okay, fine." he replied. "Call me in case you need me."

No, no. Stay. See through whatever bullshit I'm saying.

"El?" he called, and I wasn't sure if I can keep myself from crying any longer.

"Yeah?" I asked shakily.

He didn't say anything more, there wasn't anything needed to say. He approached me in few steps and made me face him for a second before he hugged me tightly.

I don't recall ever crying into someone's shoulder, I wasn't a big fan of crying in front of people in general. But now I literally couldn't contain myself. I started sobbing so hysterically he embraced me tighter, kissing the top of my head.

"It's okay, I'm here, everything will be okay," he kept saying until I calmed down enough to wipe off my tears. He was right. I need to try. I might not get better overnight, but I have to try.

My brain felt like one big open wound, and I knew it will take time to feel like myself again. I also know I won't ever be the same, but that's okay. I believe there's indeed more waiting for me.

🤞

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