messages:

I looked at my phone and half-consciously read the texts. He is damn right. Pity the voices in my head can't really speak their opinion after I took two lines of cocaine and smoked a joint. Now they suddenly seemed speechless. Good or bad thing is that I didn't drink, but I could honestly do, just to end this misery quicker.

I was already a bit stoned before I did the lines, and now I could slowly feel it starting to kick in. Very, actually.

I couldn't tell which drug did what, but I definitely noticed my surroundings spinning. I felt out of my body, like I was a character in a movie but I wasn't me. I only observed.

The next frame I saw was me somehow laying on my carpet now, higher than Himalayas. I mean, the carpet is very nice and comfortable, there is no reason why it would get offended. Wait, what?

I moved to lay on my side and curled up in a ball, enjoying how my body tingled and shivered sometimes. Wow, now I can see why people get addicted to these sorta stuff. But I think you get this excellent high only once, when you try it for the first time. Maybe junkies want to feel like this again after, and that's why they overdose?

I didn't really think anything specific, I just know I had the aftertaste of some kind of euphoria spreading in my brain. It felt good. So good my heartbeat sped up.

I got a bit of anxiety as I remembered about my ring, the one that matched with Johnny's, because I thought I didn't take it off. But I realized I did, I had the need to do it since I knew he would be upset to see me like that.

Stupid sentiment. I don't know why I'm so sensitive in such small matters, but I essentially don't give any fuck whatsoever about damaging my body with drugs. Myself was always a mistery I couldn't solve, but I tried my best to live with it. I mostly succeeded. Just recently it went really bad without any reason, and I didn't understand why.

I suddenly heard some noise and distant talking. Before I got the chance to lift my head, I got picked up and sat down, my back against the couch. I was strangely struggling to keep my head up, like it was too heavy.

I saw that the man picking me up was Johnny. I don't think I was dreaming, though. He seemed pretty real, as well as his worried expression as he looked around the trailer, his gaze stopping on the table with one-dollar bill rolled up in a thin tube.

I think the first wave of mixed high had passed, and now I could see a bit more clearly and be more aware of my surroundings.

"..what did you take? El!" Johnny caught my attention. I noticed he never let me go, his one arm still on my back and the other under my thighs.

"You know what. Cocaine, but I think a lil too much for me, and some pot. But I'm fine, I would know if I had overdosed or some

shit." I replied as he paid full attention to every word I managed to mumble out. After I finished I looked up into his eyes and noticed they got glassy. But he wasn't crying.

"Fuck it, El, it's your first time and you mixed both cocaine and weed? It's asking for a seizure." he answered, nervously scanning the famous demoralization table.

"But the seizure was busy and couldn't come. Can you sit here with me, please? I don't wanna be alone."

He sighed and sat down beside me, cradling me softly while my head rested against his shoulder. Silence fell around us.

"Why did you do it?" he asked quietly.

"I'm in pain."

"I know. But why?"

"Johnny.. I don't know. Maybe it had something to do with the last thing Alex said to me. Maybe I'm not the problem here. Both Alex and my other ex said the same thing. Johnny, what if? What if I am the problem, and that's why I can't keep any relationship going?"

"You want an honest opinion?" he asked, but he knew I did. "I've never heard such bullshit. I don't know your first ex, I don't know what was he like, but I can tell Alex was an envious cunt and, ask anybody, he was definitely the problem. I swear, I see him again and his own mother won't recognize him."

I felt his body tense, but then calm down. I smiled anyway, because it's nice to have someone that will always defend you, no matter what.

"I think you're right. Though, does it even matter? It hit home, and I'm pretty sure some part of me died that day."

"Some things die while other are born. It hurts, but it makes you grow. It's the definition of being, that you just gotta go and handle it in whatever way, but the unhealthy ones will take you nowhere." he replied, caressing my hair.

"What if I'm running out of time?"

"My dear, you're never running out of time. You have all the time in the world. You have enough time to feel it, understand and cope. I promise." he sincerely said.

I suddenly felt at ease, nothing bothering me anymore. I don't know if because of the drug or what, but my problems disappeared.

"I feel kinda better after talking to you." I said, sneaking one arm around his torso and hugging him back.

"I told you so. It gets tiring and heavy once you carry it on your back for too long. It's nice to tell someone or even your journal-"

"Alright, stop already with the psychological stuff because I'm pretty sure I cannot comprehend anymore."

He chuckled lightly, but all of a sudden I felt dizzy and very weird. Like someone wanted to tear my brain out of my head.

"I think I'm gonna pass out.." I managed to say before a complete darkness set in front of my eyes.

I abruptly found myself in my bed. It was day already, I could tell by how the uninvited sun poured into the room. My throat was incredibly dry and my head throbbed, not making it any easier.

I suddenly smelled all the weed, and it was everywhere. On sheets, my clothes, my hair. I instantly started feeling nauseous, and it escalated so quickly that soon I was running to the bathroom.

I kneeled near my toilet and threw up probably all the mentions of drugs I did yesterday. I hated puking, it scared me how you have to fight for your breath.

Suddenly, I felt someone hold my hair up so it wouldn't get messy. Weird, given that my trailer looked like there was no one else other than me.

I flushed the toilet and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, heavily sitting down on the bathroom's tiles. I looked up to see Johnny. He seemed like he hadn't slept all night.

"Stay here, I'm gonna get you a glass of water." he informed and I nodded. I felt guilty. What if he really hadn't slept because he cared for me? I promised him not to do anything stupid, for fucks sake.

I stood up, being careful not to stumble too much so I wouldn't end up on the floor again, and brushed my teeth. Once I felt fresh enough, I laid down, trying to remember last night. Johnny.

He came back with a glass of cold water that looked delicious as ever, and I drank it all in a record time. I ignored how my teeth hurt because of the sudden coldness.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, also sitting down and leaning on the wall.

"I should be asking you that. Did you sleep?"

He looked down at his rings and then at me. "I was watching you just in case, so, no. Not really."

I'm officially embarrassed for myself. "I'm sorry."

Out of the blue I started feeling nauseous, and soon enough I was hanging on the toilet again. God, that must be so awkward for Johnny, I guess that's my karma.

"My god, El, how many bottoms do you have to hit to start being aware what you're doing to yourself and your body?" he asked as I grabbed some toilet paper to clean up my mouth.

"Probably 23 or something." I answered.

This time I went and grabbed a glass of water myself. I was in this state where you don't really think about anything, but you still look like you're figuring the meaning of life. Hangovered but because of drugs.

"Listen, Wayne asked me to tell you that there's a party tonight, to celebrate our hard work. There'll be quite a lot of people." he stated. I felt a but coming. "But I don't want you to go. I'm not saying you can't- Just, you know how things are."

I knew how things were. "I don't know, I haven't been to a party in ages. And the fact that I'll be absent is quite impolite."

That was a half-lie. I wanted to go because parties are always a great distraction from everything.

Johnny looked me dead in the eyes. "I thought you got better after we talked yesterday."

"So did I." I replied, taking a sip from my glass. "Thank you for caring anyway."

"It's nothing-"

"Oh, it's far more than you think."

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