"Cut!" Wayne, our director, yelled, violently pulling me out of my thoughts. "That was great y'all, you did a wonderful job. Especially you, Elektra. The idea of changing lighting in the room was brilliant."

I smiled. I looked over to Richard, known to friends as Johnny, who also appeared proud, winking at me and then grinning.

Director informed us that we'll take a 5-minute break, and everyone started chatting casually. It became quite crowded, so I silently sneaked out to the back of the set for a cigarette. I was thinking of it, almost obsessively, since last break ended. Mostly just to silence whatever was going in my head.

Shit, I think I relapsed on overthinking.

I don't know why, though. Nothing special happened, except me breaking up with Alex but I don't think it affected me that much. He's just a narcissist, and he doesn't deserve to be thought or talked about anymore.

It's always so annoying, whether I end up in a depressive episode or just feeling down and overthinking, that it starts to happen out of nowhere. I feel great and then just puff! The universe decides it is bored enough and it's time to fuck up someone's life.

And now it was going very downhill. I had the cigarette ready, but suddenly my lighter thought it would be great to stop working at this right moment. My hands started to shake a bit as I wondered if cigarettes will be enough for this time of my life. Although I don't want to start with heavy stuff, not until it's so bad I won't be able to handle it.

A brand new lighter appeared from my left without a warning, with the fire already on. It wasn't hard to notice multiple bracelets peeking from under this person's sleeve, so I just gratefully accepted the source of fire, quickly taking one, long drag once it lighted up. My eyes fluttered close and I felt myself slowly calming down.

"You alright?" Johnny asked, concerned, as I leaned on the wall behind me.

"Yeah." I softly replied. Finally. I felt stable and good. Well, better at least.

"You don't seem alright. You're all pale. You sure you don't wanna talk?" he asked once again, and I opened my eyes to find him looking down at me, worry precisely painted in his black eyes.

I don't know. I don't know if I wanna talk, I don't know anything at all anymore. Maybe it'll just pass on its own.

"It's fine, Johnny. I didn't get enough sleep last night. Nothing serious."

"How many cigarettes have you smoked already?" he asked, completely ignoring my answer.

I shot him a brief glance.

"Maybe one and half of a package. Why?" I casually responded.

"Why? El it's not even afternoon yet! You'll smoke yourself to death."

That'd be great.

Woah, woah. Don't start with the negative thoughts or you won't be able to control it later.

I shrugged my shoulders. Mostly because I had absolutely nothing to say in my defense.

He sighed. "You helped me, so if you ever need my help just tell me."

"I will."

Alice: Why don't you ask Johnny? He knows everyone in that business.

Alice: What do you need the cocaine for?

I huffed, throwing myself back on the pillows. It was impossible not to notice the mess everywhere in the trailer, and I put cleaning it on my mental to-do list as second in order, right after I'm finished with Alice.

I thought of any way I could text back. What are some sensible reasons to do drugs? I'm not gonna say that I'm just bored at the time.

I waited for the three bubbles to stop moving.

Alice: Fine. I think I know someone in Vancouver. I'll set it up and text you his number.

A wave of nervous butterflies flew threw my stomach. I wonder how it's like being high on cocaine.

Fuck, that sounds so bad. I should probably get some real help instead of the illusion of help, but throughout the past two days my silly little breakdown got unbearable, and I desperately needed for it to stop. I once fixed myself from that overthinking, I dare to say I even healed. But now it's twice as hard and I'm becoming really exhausted from fighting it.

Once you think you've overcame the most awful time in your life, there is always something far, far worse waiting. But I guess we can't escape it.

I don't wanna bother anyone with it, though. I know there'd be lots of pals wanting to help, but then it would drag the unnedeed attention, and dealing also with that is the last thing I want. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking drugs itself will help, but it never pains to try.

-- later in the evening

Alice said the guy will be ready waiting at some club in the city, to which I have to drive for at least half an hour. I decided to call a cab since Jack was probably sleeping by now, and I obviously didn't want anyone to know.

It was around midnight, maybe 11 something. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go. Though I won't try it today, but tomorrow, since it's Friday and we have the next day off.

I checked my pockets for my phone and headphones, and right when I was about to head out, I heard a quiet knock on the door.

Fuck.

I opened the door to see Johnny in his casual clothes, the yellow light from the inside making his silhouette shine in contrast of the black surroundings.

What is he doing here?

"What are you doing here?" I asked. I could tell from his face that he was serious. He didn't come here to joke around. I got nervous all over again.

I could hear soft chipping of the crickets somewhere deep in the night before he answered, looking up at me.

"Can we talk?"

I nodded, letting him in.

"Where are you going?" He asked curiously while I shut the door close.

"On.. a walk."

He furrowed his brows while crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't lie. You promised you'll tell me if you need help."

"I didn't tell you because I don't need it," I replied, already kinda annoyed. Jesus, Elektra, stop being so bitchy all of a sudden.

"Then why you're off to buy cocaine from some guy? Huh? Tell me."

I cursed under my breath. Fuck, Alice must've snitched. Why, though?

"Johnny, it's better if you go." I quietly stated, barely looking him in the eyes. I could tell his expression softened.

"Drugs won't fix it, and you know that."

I felt strangely uneasy, like I was just found guilty of some crime. I didn't like it.

"I'll be fine."

"El, above all, I don't want you to catch that hideous monkey that will cling to your back and, without you noticing, whisper to take more and more every time. It's hard drugs but that doesn't change the fact that it. won't. help. you."

I sat down on a chair nearby, realizing he's not going to let go so easily. And he was right. But I was too tired.

"I can handle myself. I'm aware what I'm doing, and you don't have to babysit me all the time." I fired out, but felt guilty right after I saw a look of hurt in his eyes. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

It got silent.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Stop," I hid my face in my hands and heard him slowly approach me.

"I know what you're going through. Please, even Alice got worried so he called me-"

"Why don't!-" I started rather loudly, but quickly contained myself. "Why don't you just leave me be? Stop caring and-"

He kneeled down on one knee, placing both of his hands on each side of the chair's armrest. "I can't stop caring! El, you can't just cut people off. That's the worst thing you can do."

"I'm not, I'm just asking you to give me some time."

"I don't like how you want to spend that time. What if something bad happens? Once you start coping in an unhealthy way you won't stop." he asked and I tried to look anywhere but his eyes.

"Then it's on me." I replied emotionlessly and slowly shook my head 'cause I didn't want this conversation to last any longer. I didn't want the feeling of guilt build up any longer, and I didn't wanna see Johnny looking at me like that any longer. I just wanted to go to the club and get my stuff, then go back here to go to sleep.

"Please, understand. I'm worried. I wouldn't be able to move on if something happened to you!" he said sincerely. He wasn't mad, more like.. sad.

I suddenly got aware of all the tiredness, how heavy my eyes felt and how my body wasn't willing to do anything else than lay down.

"I'm okay," I cupped his face with my hands. "I won't do anything stupid. I promise."

"Alright. Just remember I'll be there if you need me." he replied.

"I'll always be there."

📝📝

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