Thea

Three Weeks Later

The alarm on my phone goes off disrupting me from my peaceful 25 minute nap and I sigh. I really don't want to go to class today. Before the alarm goes off on it's annoying ring again I quickly slap the stop button and stretch my arms and legs letting out a satisfied groan.

As much as I don't want to go to class, that nap hit the spot. Ever since I found out that Zach has been cheating on me for who knows how long, I've been trying to appear as put together as possible around everyone. Trying being the key word here. I've actually been kind of a mess.

If there's one thing my parents never healthily taught me, it was to be able to handle my emotions around people, or just, in general.

I hate the vulnerability I feel when I display my sadness to people, it makes me feel like I'm inconveniencing them so at night when everyone is in their own rooms, I lay in bed and silently cry.

I hate that for so long Kari gave me her advice and I hadn't bothered taking her truly seriously. Sure, I would think about it, but I kind of brushed it off at the same time hoping that my relationship would go back to how it use to be during our happier times.

I hate that even Stella gently told me how she wasn't a huge fan of him and didn't really trust him either but she was such a good friend that she supported my decision to stick with him for this long.

But most of all, I hate myself. I despise myself and how there were so many signs but yet I was so naive and ignored every single one of them. In the moment it's so easy to brush off these red flags.

I was too optimistic, too dependent on him. He was my first boyfriend afterall, I was so attached to him and now its left me feeling like my old self. Insecure, small, worthless.

Okay, maybe worthless is too much but I constantly go to sleep asking myself what I did wrong. Was there anything that I could've done to prevent him from cheating? That girl that I caught him with is the complete opposite to me in every way.

My dark brown hair that looks black in dim lighting to her hair that is so blonde, it looks white. My dark brown eyes to her light blue eyes.

My smaller chest to her big bust. Is that what he's been attracted to all along but settled for me?

When I go on these horrible tangents in my head, I begin to resent how he still has this control over me. Why can't I be like one of those strong women who can easily move on from something like this?

But yet, here I am wallowing in my own self pity. I can tell the girls are worried about me but don't want to push me too much. Being broken up has also made me realize how much I prioritized my relationship with Zach over my best friends.

How could I ditch them time after time to hangout with Zach? I felt awful for the amount of times they've asked to hangout with me and I've declined. My friendship with them is just as important and on the days that I'm feeling better, I make sure I make the effort to spend time with Kari, Stella and Sisi.

I've apologized to them so much about my guilt but they all just hugged me and told me how much they love me and that they're happy to have me back. I actually let myself break down in front of them that time and sobbed.

I've never appreciated three people so much.

I even make sure to Facetime and text Vivian as frequently as I can. When she heard about the breakup, she came to stay with me for 3 days just hugging me and telling me how much of a piece of shit Zach is and how none of this is my fault.

I know it's not my fault, but why do I still feel like there's something wrong with me?

Just as I slip out of bed and grab my school bag to check to make sure my laptop is inside, I hear a knock on my door.

"T, we're gonna be late! Let's go!" Sisi shouts from the other side of my door

Since we both have class on campus at the same time, we thought it was best to carpool. I used to drive directly from Zach's house but since we found out about our class times, we decided to catch a ride together if we're both home. Unfortunately, this is an evening class time that we have Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5:30pm-6:45pm.

We're not in the same class but we share the same time block and luckily for us, our buildings are pretty close to each other despite us being in very different majors.

"Coming! You driving or me today?"

"I can drive today!"

"Perfect, I got Thursday then!"

"I'll meet you in the car."

"Kay, I'll be there in a sec."

As much as I try to be as organized as possible, this breakup has kind of left me a mess lately. My brain feels scattered and even though I try my best to focus, my mind wanders back to my negative thoughts.

I was a mess the first week and a half but I've noticed that I've gotten slightly better at managing myself. Stella did say that time heals and I'm hoping that it will heal the insecurities that I've been feeling.

Just as I close my bedroom door, and think I have everything, I realize that I have the wrong notepad in my bag. Shit, come on Thea, get it together.

I rush out the door, trying to slip into my sneakers at the same time. Before I can even get my door closed in the car, Sisi is already backing out of the driveway.

"Jeez, bitch, my door isn't even closed yet!" I say, over the music Sienna is blasting

"Girl, we're gonna be late cause of you! My professor takes attendance right on the dot and gets annoyed if we're even a minute late."

"Sorry, I've just been a mess lately." I say, feeling like shit

"It's okay TT, I don't care that much. I just want to get you back into the groove of things." She says, with a small smile on her face.

Sienna used to be my go to party girl but we've hung out less over the past year and a half. I'm sad that we've lost our fun times. She's been trying to get me to come out these past three weeks but I haven't been feeling it.

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm only twenty and would rather stay inside than hangout with my friends the way I used to. Apart of me is scared I'll also bump into Zach or someone in the lax group.

I'm okay with hanging out with the girls during the day but going out at night is different. The first week they stayed in with me, the second week they said they wanted to stay in and do the same but I forced Kari and Sisi to go out.

I know how much they like to relieve their stress over the weekend by going out. I'm glad that Stella has been a homebody and likes to keep me company. Sometimes we watch a kdrama together, our old thing we used to do freshman year.

Other times, we'll stay in our separate rooms wanting to be alone. However, this weekend, I'm going to take them up on their offer on going out. I know they'll ask me if I want to come, they always do and I think they're waiting for me to finally say yes and start to come out of this shell I'm stuck in.

Apart of me is terrified, this may be a large city but everyone goes to the same kinds of bars and clubs. You're always bound to see a familiar face and I would hate to have anyone talk about me and look at me with pity.

But you know what? Even with this horrible anxiety, I'm going to push myself this weekend. I want the Thea who was comfortable in her skin back. I want the Thea who Kari, Sienna, Stella and Will had coaxed out of her shell.

This current Thea, who is so alike highschool Thea is so unhappy and I want that confident woman that I was just a few weeks ago back.

xxx

Hi friends! It's been a long time since I've updated. I hope whoever is reading this is doing well! I've been a little busy but I feel like the story is about to progress to juicier things soon so I'll be hopefully writing more. Don't be afraid to leave your comments and vote!