Dear Diary,

Today Christian popped the question in front of our family and close friends after seven years of relationship. It was completely unexpected, and at this point, I thought he would never ask me. I didn't think his mind was still dreaming of a future together with me. This was all I ever wanted, and it's why it killed my heart and soul that I wasn't sure what to answer and seeing how he also died with embarrassment. I couldn't face anyone after what I've done, so I ran away from the scene and came running to grab you, to write, to pour my heart and tears out in these pages. It's the only way I can get through my day. My mind feels clouded on which direction I need to follow for my happiness. My only answer at the moment was that I needed to think about it. Does that make me a bad person? To just leave him hanging like that without an answer, I don't know when I will have?

I look back on our relationship, and I mostly feel hurt and stuck some days, but on the good days, I feel secure, loved, happier than ever, happier than being alone. But then I sometimes think our relationship is not going anywhere and that marriage is not my way out of loneliness. What if I wake up one day and realize it was all a mistake. How can I get married to a man that I feel does not fulfill my needs and expectations? That will never change because people don't change; they just work on being better. But at the same time, I love him with every fiber of my being and would love to be with the rest of my life.

It hurts me to feel like this. To feel in a loop reliving the same day over again. When will this groundhog day end? When will I decide to end it remove those thoughts from my head? Is there still hope left?

Does anyone ever feel the same? Can other people out there relate to how I'm feeling and thinking? How do you know when to keep fighting and when the fight is lost. Is loving each other enough and figuring everything else along the way? Is custom confounded with wanting to go on?

Questions like these cloud my mind since they turned into an everlasting poison and spread all over my mind, body, and soul. Usurping it, dominating it. I want to hate him when I feel I'm trying, and he doesn't concede. Those times I want to tear off the part of my heart that he's planted his roots so deeply that even if I tried, I couldn't dig them out. Have I just grown accustomed to him being there and his love for me? It's not a question of doubting what I feel but of until what point loving each other is a reason strong enough to remain together forever? Is this the man for me, or should I just give up on love altogether? I feel each man is more of the same, but at the same time, this is my man, a soulmate in a way to me because when we're in understanding, I feel nothing can tear us apart. But how long does it last versus the bad days? Is that enough?

Since I developed a sense of reason for what I wanted in a relationship for myself, I always dreamed of being an independent woman and having a man. To provide for each other in an equal way and for money to not be an issue. For us to love and understand one another on a deep intellectual and sexual level. To find each other needs that make a deep hole in ourselves and work to fill them. To travel the world together and do things we both enjoy. To have a good relationship with each other's families. To be each other's best friends.

When I look at those expectations, I have doubts that sometimes we're not even halfway there. How do I know if we ever will get there? Whenever we have to get out of our comfort zone to concede, we do it halfway for somethings, but for others, we just don't. But this man, this enigma that I'm with, shows me how much he loves me in our good moments, which at the moment he does them compensates for all he doesn't do, and this is where my dilemma begins. I sometimes wonder if we'd be better off without each other, but other times I truly believe the opposite. I want him to be happy and to make him happy as he does me. I hope I do but is that enough? Sometimes I ask myself for how long I can keep that up before bad things keep adding space between us.

At this point, I pray every day to get the answers I seek with time. To focus on being a better person to myself and him. On loving myself and what I want my future to be like and walk the path of life as best, I can. I'm scared that with time what will happen is inevitable. Maybe not today, but I don't see myself with him forever if our relationship continues in this path. It will be destructive for what we have. I'm not shifting all the blame on him because nobody is perfect, and you can't expect people to be.

I have more than my share with flaws, but I try to work with being better every day and give it my best. I want to give it my all to what we have but sometimes truly don't know how. I wish I had a manual of what I could do to get out of this predicament and mixed feelings. You're the only one who knows my deep darkest secrets and desires. No one else will understand and will have advice I can't even follow because I need to follow my heart at the end of the day, but my head tries to reason with me. But at the same time, I can't do this alone. I need you. Please help me, Diary. Please help me get through this.

Love, Satine.

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After I finished writing those words, I turned the page. I sat there and waited. Always after I added an entry in my enchanted diary, my true best friend wrote back to me. Then the questions I pleaded answers to started appearing in black ink through the page.