I cut myself upon the thought of you

And yet I come back to it again and again

—

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"What is your order regarding the governors, sayidi?"

"Those we've proofs against, throw them into the dungeons. Those who we still haven't found anything against, investigate their matters some more. I'll decide later about what to do with them."

"And the list of generals, sayidi?"

"Besides the general of Baghdad, the order is the same for them. Capture those who are found guilty. They'll be punished."

"And the general of Baghdad?"

He sighs and pours himself some water from the vessel, taking a sip of it, thinking, before his eyes meet her across the courtroom. When his silence stretches longer and he doesn't answer his servant, she does it for him.

"He'll be replaced and sent away. We've a new general for Baghdad."

The roses in the bushes sway in the breeze and momentarily take her attention away from the hairpin she's holding in her hand. The two crafted flowers on it look as delicate as the ones in the garden. She watches the wind caress them before leaving them alone. But she knows the wind will return for them. It has been playing around with them for a while now.

Noura brings back her focus to the hairpin, one dainty finger tracing the roses on it gently. It is beautiful. She liked it the moment Eskander showed it to her. She had always liked his every gift. Not only because he has a great taste, but because she also valued his gestures-- she would be content knowing he remembers her, wherever he goes.

"You and I could've been, but..."

The wind picks up again. She feels a chill in it, a whisper of a rain to come. Looking up at the sky, she finds it casted and gloomy, the midday sun completely hidden by the thick gray veil of the clouds. But she doesn't budge from the bench she's sitting upon.

"Nour means light."

"What does my name mean, baba jan?"

"Eskander means defender of the people."

"I'll live to my name. I'll fight for my people."

"You'll make a noble soldier, my son, and a great general like your late father. You'll honor him, and you'll honor me, if God wills it."

She twirls the the hairpin between her fingers. In the distance, she sees Arwa walking down the pathway with a man besides her as they both talk, probably one of the soldiers from his looks, but seemingly of high rank from his outfit.

"Some day when your Lord bestows His favor upon you and gives you authority, and if you see the sons of Khalid ibn Al Malik fighting over the throne for dominion of this kingdom, then stand by the one who's guided the closest by the wisdom of his Lord. But if you find none of them just enough to be a Khalifa, then don't be afraid to stand against the blood of Khalid, for by God, if he was alive, he wouldn't allow any of his sons to take this caliphate being unjust to the people."

Arwa and the man come to stand by a fountain. She's saying something to him and he keeps his gaze respectfully lowered, nodding in reply. Noura finds herself curious to find who he is. But her thoughts keep oscillating, continuously in a state of unrest, leaping to a past that now appears dead.

"Remember, Eskander, power and lust have led many men astray. Do not let the thirst of them lead to into becoming a wrongdoer. The life of this world is not lasting, but the account of our actions is a everlasting with our Lord. We're answerable to Him. So be a good man, always. Always."

"What if you've broken your promise to baba?" She gives another twirl to the hairpin. "How do I forgive you then?" She then puts it away under her waistband instead of pinning it in her hair. "How do I know who you've actually become, Eskander?" She stands up and sighs. "When I believe despite all the wrongdoings, maybe there still could be a good man in you, what if I don't find him, aziz (dear)?"

Arwa and the man finish talking. She leaves and a bunch of guards surround the man. He seems to give them instructions about something. Noura turns to where Faris is standing waiting for her, a good distance away, and motions him over. He comes to her at her command.

"Yes, sayidati?"

"Who is the man, Faris?" She gestures towards him and Faris follows her gaze.

"Taha ibn Amr," he replies, "the general called over from the borders of Samarkand."

A spark goes out in her head. She has heard his name before, from Adam, and from Yusuf bin Khalid himself. But that's not what strikes her. It's the fact that he has come to Baghdad from Samarkand. What for? She can only think of one reason.

"Adam is of the opinion that we give the rank of the general in Baghdad to one of our men, someone more trustworthy than him, and preferably send Eskander to the borders of Samarkand where he could stay far away and not intervene in case rebellion strikes."

The words of Yusuf rings in her ears like warning bells. Taha being here could only mean Eskander is to be sent away. She feels a panic rise in her gut at the thought of being left alone at the palace again, among its residents who are more enemies to her than friends, without someone she can truly trust.

She looks at Faris. "Where is Eskander now?"

"Currently at the barracks, sayidati."

"What time does he return to the palace?"

"I don't know, but he might not return. He has been staying the nights outside lately."

"What for?" she cannot help asking, a dread settling heavily in her heart.

"Dealing with political affairs," he answers shortly.

"Well then, we're going to the barracks to see him."

Faris quickly shakes his head in refusal. "You're not allowed to, sayidati."

"Who says that?" She begins making her way to the stables and he rushes to keep up with her.

"It's a place for training. The general might not appreciate us by dropping unannounced. Let me at least send a messenger to him first."

"Your general is not my lord, Faris. I don't need his permission. I'm going to see him and if he doesn't like it, he can refuse me. I'll come back without causing you more trouble."

"You're already causing me trouble."

"Complain to your general about it. He might be considerate enough to change your duty. Then you'll be free of me." She gives him a sly smirk. "Or not. Because I'm sure you already complained to him about me much."

They enter the stables and Faris doesn't argue with her anymore, probably realizing it's a futile effort. She asks Annas for her horse and he brings it to her. Noura goes to pet it as it neighs upon seeing her.

"Missed me, Buruj?"

Annas saddles it for her and she mounts it, Faris mounting his own horse as they snap the reins and ride towards the barracks.

She doesn't know the beginning of the conversation she's about to carry with him, neither the end of it. She doesn't know the consequences of her confrontation of him, neither the explanation he might have. She hopes all that she assumes darkly miraculously turn out only to be her doubts. But she knows somewhere along the way, she lost him, and he lost her too, and it's only a confession away from him to leave a scar on her heart. The dull ache already buds in her bosom.

When they arrive at the barracks, the sounds of swords clashing men roaring meet her before anything else. Her eyes instantly begin to search for Eskander. Faris nods in the other direction.

"Come with me, sayidati."

But she notices archers training in the distance, and she sees of Adam with them. Noura doesn't budge from her spot, transfixed, as she watches him take his mark, his back towards her, and releases one arrow after another, each more precise in hitting its mark than the previous one. Then he lifts his fist in the air.

"Men, take your marks now."

All the archers with him do so upon his order, pulling back the strings of their bows, and releasing their arrows as soon as he brings down his fist, all of them following his example and striking their marks.

"Great work. Now let us--"

He turns around and cuts off as soon as he catches sight of her. She gives him a small, sheepish smile, not knowing what reaction to expect from him upon finding her at the barracks.

"Keep practicing," Adam directs to the men. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

He begins to walk towards them and Faris pulls her out of her trance. "Sayidati, we should go find the general."

"Give me a moment."

"With him, I cannot," he refers to Adam and Noura gives him a glare.

"Go find the general and see if I have his permission to see him that you so insisted on seeking earlier."

Adam approaches nearer and Faris's expression colors with conflict. She give him another sharp look.

"Leave," she insists more firmly. "I've important matters to discuss with Adam."

Reluctantly, Faris complies and leaves them alone. Noura turns to Adam who's now standing only a few feet from her. She reduces the distance by moving a few step more closer.

"What are you doing here?" he asks and she just nods towards the group of archers.

"Impressive performance there, sayidi."

There's an upward twitch of his lips which she doesn't miss, but he otherwise remains stoic.

"Impressively deflecting my question, sayidati."

This gets a chuckles from her and she hums. "Well, can I not compliment my husband? Looks like I married a skillful man."

This time, he smiles openly, widely, which soon turns into a grin that he has to cover with the back of his hand, peering around subtly. Noura lifts her eyebrow at him inquisitively, grinning back.

"What has you losing your poise, habibi?"

"Besides the fact that you willfully admitted our marriage and called me your husband for the first time, you calling me your love might add to the cause of my death, habibti."

"Stop." Noura softly chuckles again. "What are the soldiers going to think of us?"

"That I've probably lost my mind." He manages to compose himself and gazes at her, the smile still a faint tug at the corners of his mouth. "Now, tell me what has brought you here?"

"I needed to see Eskander regarding a matter," she replies honestly and this manages to wipe off his smile completely, the previous gleam of his eyes dissolving back to dull blackness.

"What about?"

"I..." She nervously flicks her tongue between her lips, looking down to the ground, then away to the soldiers training, before back at him. "I will tell you, Adam."

He doesn't say anything, and she shifts her weight from one foot to another. Like always, she fails to understand the tangled constellations in his dark orbs, like the sky during a storm, angry and rushing to hide the stars before one can interpret them-- a bottomless pit, a devil's den. She cannot figure what they hold. She cannot decipher. They tell cryptic tales with no endings, from a man who so long later is still an enigma to her-- obscure, full of mystique and deceptive illusions. She blinks and forces her mind out of the trap of his eyes.

"Can I ask you something, if you'll tell me the truth?" Noura asks and he gives her an intrigued look.

"Ask away."

"Taha ibn Amr, the general of Samarkand, is here to replace Eskander, isn't he?"

There's a glitch of seconds, they seem to freeze, before he finally answers her, "Yes."

Her heart makes a painful contraction at his response, but she refrains from fighting him over it despite the agony it is putting her in-- not this time. She knows it was upon his suggestion the caliph made this choice, but maybe it's for the best. Maybe it'll save her anymore pain of Eskander picking up the wrong side. Maybe it's better he's not given a choice at all than him becoming a traitor.

Between Al Shafay and Sulaiman bin Khalid, it was one thing. But with Yusuf bin Khalid being alive, she doesn't want Eskander standing against him. And something tells her that no matter what, his loyalties will always lie with the prince.

"Are you upset with me again now?" Adam inquires against her silence, a tinge of worry in his tone.

She shakes her head. "Eskander is to be send to Samarkand?"

He nods. "That's for the best, Noura." He then gestures towards the opposite side of the barracks. "See all those men there? They're the soldiers trained by him. More than half of the army of Baghdad is under his direct supervision, and much more out of Baghdad too. Ameer Zakariya's boundless faith in him has resulted in these men more devoted to the general than their caliph. Now God forbid if war happens and the general rebels against the crown, half of the army stands by him and fights against us which puts us at a really grave disadvantage."

She swallows thickly, unable to form any argument, for she knows he's right about it. "And the new general is better than him?"

"In terms of loyalty, yes, we trust him more than him," he bluntly comments. "He's the next best we can have to the general, if not more. Although it's sad to admit, as Ameer Zakariya says, no one excels Eskander in a war zone. I agree with him. He's a cunning strategist and experienced in leading the battles, so we might need to do more to overcome the deficiencies that his absence might cause us. But compared to the damage that his treason can cause us, it's better not to take the risk and take measures necessary to avoid it."

"And I?" She places a hand over her chest. "Did you give my letter to the Khalifa?"

"I did."

"What did he say?"

"Was he supposed to reply to it?"

"Yes," she utters desperately. "I asked him to send me back home. Did he not consider it?"

His steals away his eyes from hers as he responds calmly, "I don't know."

"I've no one here," she reasons with him. "I only had Eskander. But if he's sent away too, I'll be alone again. Can't you convince him to consider my request?"

"You're not alone." Their gazes collide once more. "You've me, Noura."

"We're in a confidential marriage," she reminds him. "This cannot go on forever. I want to return to my home, Adam. To my mother." Her voice wavers and she clenches her jaw so as not to let her sorrow drown her as she begs with him. "Please, do something, for me."

He gives her a troubled look, almost helpless-- almost broken. For a moment, she cannot believe the vulnerability in his expression. He hardly displays this side of him. But he doesn't guard it for from her lately.

"I... I will do something."

"You will?" she beams, a ray of hope seizing her and a smile forms on her lips.

"Yes, I'll see what I can do to send you back."

"You promise?"

He doesn't get to reply as someone interrupts them. She quickly steps away from him upon recognizing his voice.

"I've heard recently you've much business with Nour." Eskander comes to stand besides her, his eyes and tone both seething like hot lava. "Mind telling me what devilry are you up to?"

"You've heard correctly, general," Adam retorts frankly, and Noura already sees the dialogs brewing fire. "But I don't feel obliged to answer you. Some business is personal, as you must know."

She throws a warning glance at Adam not to escalate it any further, but he pays her no heed. She's sure if they were alone, Eskander might be at his throat already.

"Don't go bastard on me, Adam," Eskander grits, and Adam gives him his signature wicked grin.

"Between you and me, we know who's the bastard. Was the lady not here, I would've sketched you a comparison. But I don't want to hurt her sentiments by disclosing your sinister secrets."

"Is that supposed to scare me?"

"No, it's supposed to get your head if your truth is out."

"Wouldn't you say the same for yourself?" Eskander give him a crooked smirk, and Adam only stares back emptily at him. "Be wary of what you threaten me with, for you yourself are a man of notorious reputation. Don't think that I don't know who you are, Adam. If I go down, you go down before me."

With that, Eskander grabs her arm and takes her away from him, and all she's left is a wonderment full of dire possibilities.

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Probably no more updates until February. But we're left with only a few more chapters to finish the book.

I'm going to upload an author's note soon. It is important so please make sure not to skip reading it.

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