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-Chapter 44 -- It's better to keep it in-

"How has school been going for you, Emma?"Ms. Sue asked as she leaned back on her big solo leather seat.

"Good,..." My foot was softly tapping on the polished dark floor as my eyes avoided her dark eyes.

It somehow felt like she could see through my white lies that flowed out of my mouth. Just from my body language and my averted eyes alone.

"Really?" She pushed again, trying to make me spill my worries that clearly showed in my odd behavior. A soft, tight-lipped smile took over her dark red lips.

Today she was dressed in a dark red pantsuit, making her skin look radiant and almost glowing under the soft lights of this comfortable, cozy office.

That made me believe, deep down in my soul, that my darkest secret can never leave this warm, cozy office.

She seemed so determined to get any response out of me today. Maybe she'd help me if I told her. But this feeling in my gut tells me it's a bad idea.

How would she help me with Kevin?.... Plus, that photo wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Even if the picture is taken down, the damage is done.

I could already imagine how humiliated and furious his girlfriend must be feeling right now.

It made me feel more guilty about letting Kevin do what he did to me in my bedroom.

"Well, ... At school, I'm having trouble staying focused in class. My mind tends to wander back to bad things that have occurred in my life.

Making me lose complete focus in class and rendering my school experience to the ground.

I'm having some learning or more like understanding issues.

My teachers are getting a little bit frustrated with me." My eyes avoided her dark ones as I kept on rambling on about stupid little things that felt stupid to worry about.

However, it felt like a part of this heavy burden was lifted off my chest.

My eyes reconnected with hers when my little rant finished as the tapping of my foot stopped. For some reason, she seemed relieved that I was spilling out my concerns.

It was almost like she was expecting me to close off again and give generic responses to shield me from judgment.

"It's normal for you to be behind in all of your subjects. You haven't had the chance to completely heal emotionally yet.

Try telling your teachers privately about this issue. Surely they will come to understand why you are struggling so much.

And if that doesn't work, tell your father about it. And let him know about this issue. Okay? "

I nodded and then she proceeded to continue. " So don't worry about that anymore... Have you made any friends in school? "

"Yes," I said, without thinking. "Um, I mean -"

"Tell me a little bit about them." She cut me off before I could retract what I had just said without thinking it through. She took her pen out and waited for me to explain so she could write it down in her little white book.

"They're a couple of them." I shifted in my chair as my mind pictured them, remembering their interactions with me.

"Are there any males in the group of friends?" Curiosity peaked her voice.

Her eyes never depart from mine, as if she is trying to decipher what is going through my head right now.

It was as if she was trying to peel off every layer of my layered thoughts that clouded over the other ones.

I am very glad that she lit up a candle that smelled like lavender early on in this session to calm my nerves.

"Yes...."

"Oh, tell me a little bit about them also. What are they like? How do they treat you? And anything that comes to mind, no matter how small it is. "

It was kinda weird to talk about them. Sometimes I feel like they're not my friends because I can't connect with them on an emotional level.

"Okay, the only female friends that I have are Juliet and Romania." For a tiny moment, a look of realization crossed her face when she heard Juliet and Romania's names as if she knew them.

Her small smile widened as joy took over her dark eyes.

My words continue to spill out of my lips. "They are sisters, and they are super nice and funny.

...Well, one of them is a little hard around the edges sometimes. Occasionally, she never fails to interact with me if she sees me not interacting with somebody else, even if it is for a little bit.

The thing I like about her is that she's straightforward. Also, her sincerity is off the charts when she sees something that she doesn't like. But that sincerity doesn't cross over to her feelings for... Juliet's best friend...

I don't know if it's my imagination but she seems to fancy the guy."

For some reason, Ms. Sue's eyes widened a little as the last statement.

I continued on my little analysis of my friends " Juliet's boyfriend, Asher, is such a great guy.

He is very caring for his girlfriend and a good friend who gives me good advice and always tries to persuade me to give him my chocolate milk or juice box at lunch. I guess he likes practicing his persuasiveness to use on teachers. He's a silly guy."

I couldn't help but spill out more. "And Alex, who's best friends with Juliet.

He is kind, always recommends a book to read whenever we meet in the library, when I sometimes skip class. " She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow at the last statement, almost reminding me of Juliet in some ways when she questioned Alex about his odd behavior and answers he always gives to her whenever she questions him.

Of course, I tried to fix what I had just spilled out without thinking twice about it. " When- when I don't feel very well or focused enough to attend classes."

She shot me a look of understanding and nodded for me to continue on. And so I did.

" Then there's Hansol and William, who are not part of the friends' group that sits at the table at lunch.

They are both nice people.

One of them... has some issues with my stepbrothers. So they tried to interact with me when my stepbrothers are out of their sight."

"Did he tell you the issues that he has with your step brothers?" She looked up from her books as she stopped moving her black pen smoothly across the paper.

"No..., I don't know." I shrugged my shoulders as my mind began to mull over on what could be that they have to avoid them so much. Could it be that one of the twins slept with William's ex-girlfriend? If he had any...

That is a high possibility, knowing the reputation of the twins and their womanizer tendencies.

"Any more friends, Emma?" She leaned deeper into her burgundy solo sofa, sipping from her coffee mug, eager to hear more.

For a reason, in my mind, Mike appeared... I couldn't bring myself to say his name out loud.

Why? I just don't know... For some reason, I wanted to keep him a secret from everyone.

Could he even be considered a friend? He's more like a competitor than a friend. The way he always pushes me to exceed myself in gym class was strangely refreshing and also a pain in the ass.

He liked pushing my buttons and enjoyed bringing a soft frown to my face whenever he could do something that I couldn't.

For example, yesterday in gym class, we both had this awkward atmosphere between us for the first 10 minutes of class.

We couldn't even gaze at each other without blushing. My heart the whole time was going wild as my cheeks flushed with such warm heat.

Then the awkwardness disappeared when Mr. Wilker told everyone to partner up with their partners and start challenging each other on the basketball hoops until both of us could get the same number of throws in the basket.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get any in. Out of nowhere, he grabbed me by the waist and lifted me so I could get one in. It was so embarrassing that my heart was going to explode when everyone's eyes were on us.

He had the audacity to chuckle in amusement when I picked up the ball that fell from my hands out of shock and threw it at him hard.

Then shameless images of that day when we were locked in the closet in the infirmary together filled my mind at that moment and, oddly enough, right now, making my heart in my chest beat rapidly fast and the warm feeling on my face returned with so much intensity.

He's confusing me more by the day... He should stop that.

"What is it?" When her low, soft tone reached my ears, my mind snapped out of whatever trance I was held in.

"Nothing, it was just something foolish that crossed my mind... May I ask you one question? " She doesn't say anything. She simply nods and waits for me to continue.

" This may sound a little bit dumb...

But why does my heart painfully beat rapidly inside my chest when someone of the opposite sex comes into physical contact with me? " Because last time I checked, the only feelings I had when my mother's client touched me was disgust and repulsion.

Moreover, my heart only painfully thumped in fear whenever a client got too close for my comfort.

Her eyes open a little and she softly smiles... as she clears her throat... almost not knowing how to answer this. " Well, one possibility could be that you are attracted to the person.

Or... The other possibility is that you fear them on some unconscious level.

How do you feel when you interact with this person? " For a little moment, I felt like I was talking to a motherly figure instead of a therapist.

For some reason, my mind vividly pictured my mother asking me these questions instead of my therapist.

It would have made me happy if my ill mother had been a normal mother figure and asked me this boys' trouble question instead.

An uneasy pain, stinging my chest as my insides twist in resentment and sorrow.

"Do you feel butterflies in your stomach when you are with that person?"

"No." Not with Mike....

Why am I lying to myself right now? Sometimes my heart does beat fast when I'm with Mike.

But also with Leo. And oddly with Kevin... Especially now that I can't look at him without looking at his hands or his lips first.

A rush of warmth blanketed my cheeks making me drop my gaze, not being able to hold her curious ones.

When Kevin chuckles wholeheartedly. For some reason, my poor heart and chest get wrapped in this fuzzy feeling that doesn't go away.

Would it be weird if I told her this strong emotion only ever reappears whenever I'm with the twin guys and Mike? Could I even spill this to her...

I know it is a private consultation, but the last thing I want is for her to know that I'm feeling these odd, sinful emotions towards them whenever they are near me.

Maybe my mother was right in saying that I'm a whore who seeks and craves attention from anyone to fill this emptiness in my chest.

"Have you had any nightmares lately, Emma?" She changed the topic when she saw how much I was struggling to answer that question.

"No. " But I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I'd been having sexual dreams. And in that dream, that person who touches me in such sinful ways is my stepbrother.

That wouldn't be a good idea to spill something like that out to her.

"Okay, we are all done here for today. Good job. "

She guides me to the door and opens it for me. When I stepped outside, the first person my eyes landed on in the waiting room was Leo, who was seated there patiently waiting for me.

He looked so odd in that small blue chair in the corner of the waiting room.

"See you next week, Emma. Don't forget to tell your professors about your little problem. Okay? "

" All right, see you next week, bye. " When I finished giving my goodbye, I headed directly towards Leo, who seemed a little pissed off as he typed away on his smartphone.

Could it be that I took too long inside there? Maybe.

"Leo, I'm sorry for taking up your free time." Leo looked up at me in confusion when he heard me.

He and Kevin couldn't go to football practice because their coach wanted them to heal themselves first.

So I continued on, so he could understand why I was saying that to him. "You look a little bit pissed."

"That's not the reason that I'm like this." He said, standing up from his seat. He put his white smartphone back inside his pocket.

"Oh... Then why are you like this? Could it be you're having trouble making up with your girlfriend?"

"No,... I just got a little issue I have to fix before it gets out of hand. " He smiled as he avoided my curious eyes as he proceeded to walk ahead of me.

"You mean the picture circulating online? " The moment he heard me, he stopped on his track. Now we were both standing in the middle of the hallway as people passed by us.

He turns around and locks his eyes with mine, searching my eyes to see if I had seen the picture.

"Have you seen it? " He dreaded saying those words. He looked almost worried to hear the responses to it.

He always does this when his brother does something wrong... like it's engraved inside him to apologize for his twin brother's bad behaviors.

"It's not your fault, Leo," I said before answering him.

"And yes, I've seen it. Kevin does like to joke around a lot. " I jokingly said those final words to ease the tension between us that was beginning to build at a rapid pace.

I was planning on telling him what occurred between his brother and me in my bedroom, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him.

The last thing I want is for him to get violent, and this time kill his own brother out of rage.

Plus, seeing him always condemning himself for not preventing his brother from doing bad things breaks my heart.

It would be better for me to fix my own problems.

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