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Will you want me when I'm gray?

Or even when I'm okay?

You can leave me if you may...

But I really want you to stay

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"Do you want to talk about it, Char?" Xander asks, squeezing my hand as he drives my truck that he gets to have while I'm at college. He cups my face in his large hand, green eyes trained on my expression as I fail to meet his gaze.

I shake my head, studying my tattoo on my left arm, hyper-aware of the scar it camouflages. It reminds me of myself in a way—gilded. Although things look good on the outside, on the inside, it's a whole lot messier... darker.

My little brother doesn't force the conversation. Instead, he plays with my earrings and puts on some music, allowing me to wallow in my thoughts.

With an unsteady finger, I trace the tattoo, ending up on Ethan's initials. Although I should feel happy, it's a lot more complex than that. Apprehension swirls in my mind like a tornado. Part of me is relieved, while part of me is overwhelmed. Xander was present with me for this, but I can't help but wish Ethan was there as well. I'm glad he's working and being independent, but I just want to be held right now. And I want him to be the one to hold me.

Maybe that's toxic of me to think, but it's the truth.

"Contact me if you need anything, Char." Xander makes direct eye contact with me as we stay parked in my apartment lot. His green eyes show me that he means it, that even if I were to message him at four in the morning, wanting him, he would make the commute.

Xander has always been there for me.

I nod, hugging him tightly across the center console. He kisses my temple, offering a grin.

"Hey, I'm proud of you, really."

Smiling faintly, I bow my head and kiss his forehead before making the trek to my apartment. My eyes glance at my watch and my heart blossoms at the time. Ethan should be home. My Ethan could be in the living room, waiting for me.

A sharp exhale leaves my mouth as I stare at the front door, wondering if I should just enter or knock. Knocking would probably be weird and attention-seeking, so I decide against it, twisting the doorknob and entering the all too familiar apartment, freezing when I see my boyfriend.

He's cleaning the kitchen. Because it's messy and I can smell the reason for it even before I see the plate of my brownies on the counter.

Ethan turns around, breaking into a grin when he sees me and sets the dishes down. "Hey, baby! How did therapy go?"

Slowly, a tear slides down my face and I stare at him, my chest hurting.

He doesn't need me.

Ethan comes over instantly and picks me up. "Hey, Charlie. I've got you. This is okay, right? I can hold you?" He asks while taking me to the couch and sitting us both down, gathering all of me up in his arms like I'm a kid.

"I-I—" My face contorts, hating how hard it is to speak. I'm borderline nonverbal, but I want to talk; I need to talk to him. "Off suicide watch."

Ethan rubs the bridge of my nose gently. "Really? That's amazing, baby. I'm so proud of you. I know you've been working really hard. Why are you crying? Overwhelmed?"

Grateful he understands, I nod, taking his hand and placing it over my tattoo as I lean into him.

He rubs the area, rocking me gently. "It's a big deal, love. A big change and I'll be here for you through it all. Ethan and Charlie."

My heart blooms and a gentle smile graces my face. Childishly, I giggle, holding out a pinkie.

Ethan smiles as well and takes it with his. "Forever."

I lean forward and take him in, eyes flitting between his pink lips and dark pools as I slowly start to feel more solid, as if I exist again. Holding the position, I bite my bottom lip and look further into his eyes.

Within them, I see deep love, gentle affection, concern that isn't smothering, and pride. Carefully, Ethan wipes under my eyes and kisses my nose, his eyelashes brushing up against my skin before he pulls away.

Humming, my eyes fall closed and I release my bottom lip, exhaling slowly.

"Ethan..."

"Yeah, baby?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, Charlie." He presses our foreheads together. "Thank you too."

I cock my head to the side and blink.

"For everything." He elaborates. "For being my friend back when I was kinda an ass, for putting up with me when I was confused about my feelings, for taking me into your home, for cooking for me, loving me, taking care of me, letting me share your life, your pet, your family. For taking me back after I was mean to you when I didn't understand why you couldn't love me and for trusting me enough to be open and honest about your mental health. Thank you for being my everything." Ethan rubs my ring finger, his honesty ringing true with every word.

"Would you believe me if I told you that sometimes, you leave me completely and utterly baffled?" I whisper.

Ethan chuckles. "Might not if I wasn't looking at your face right now."

Rolling my eyes, I swallow. "I know now, but I guess, it took a lot of convincing that I was... worth it. My confidence has never been the hugest issue, but I guess it's a spectrum and some things, I wasn't the most... secure in. That probably doesn't make sense." I fiddle with my hair.

"I think I understand." Ethan rubs my back. "You're absolutely worth it, though. I don't even feel like it takes effort to be with you at all. And don't pretend I'm a walk in the park either, I've had my fair share of problems. Hell, I dragged you into a war between my friends and it got you kidnapped."

He continues. "Everyone you love is gonna have their own set of problems, but loving them means they don't have to deal with them alone. I'll take on your burdens and you'll take on mine and we'll carry them together. That's what love means for me, not being with a perfect you, but being with all of you."

"Being with you makes me safe." I blush. "You aren't perfect, but you're still my Superstar."

"And you're my cupcake." He kisses me gently.

Kissing back, I hold his waist tightly, making sure he's real. And once we part, I rest my head on his chest and trace patterns on him.

"Is it normal to feel... scared when you're supposed to be off watch?"

Ethan nods, running his hands through hairs covering my neck so it's both a pet and almost a small massage. "I was pretty depressed during my teenage years after my dad died. It was situational, not chronic like yours. And my brother also deals with it."

"And when you're in it as long as you have, in a world of constant change, depression can become the only thing you know you can really rely on to always be there. It becomes less of a thing you hate about yourself, and more like an old friend, a reliable friend, so saying goodbye to that would one hundred percent be scary." He empathizes.

"When Ryder started feeling better, he told me he didn't even know how to navigate his life or all his new feelings anymore after feeling so down and numb all the time." Ethan continues. "It's a huge change and change is scary no matter what form it comes in, both better to worse and worse to better. Worse is familiar, so better is naturally scary."

"It's like... I really am a whore," I say shakily. "Because although I still have depression and it's not just magically gone, the suidice watch is, meaning people don't have to keep as close of an eye on me. Even though I didn't like not being allowed to even have access to my meds like I wanted, I'm scared people will stop sticking with me now that they no longer need to babysit me..."

Ethan nods in understanding. "You're afraid that all of the love and attention you've received is an effect of the fear of losing you, so now that we aren't afraid anymore, you worry the attention will decrease or even stop?"

I nod, holding back sobs. "That's probably really bad to even feel, but I don't want people to stop caring for me."

"It's not bad at all, baby. No one wants to feel like the only time they're loved is when they show how much they're hurting, as if they aren't worth that 'effort' as you'd put it when they don't see it or you're doing better."

Ethan kisses my cheeks. "But we don't love you only because you're hurting. It opened our eyes, definitely, but the extra affection isn't from being afraid, it's because we realized what we hadn't been giving you, so we make up for it tenfold. I won't ever forget that you're dealing with this, love. I won't ever go back to acting like you're never hurting."

"I want to always be there for you. I love you and even when you're doing good I will want to show you all the time. I'm sure your parents feel the same, our friends too. I know for certain that Xander understands. I've been talking with him a lot to help better understand both of you. We won't love you any less when you're better because we didn't love you any less before we knew." He kisses me.

Biting my lip, I interlace our hands. "You also won't... love me any more because of it, right? I can't help but get scared that I'm accidentally guilting people into staying with me. If you ever... left me, I'd be upset, but I wouldn't... you know... so I don't want to have my mental health imprison the ones I care about into sticking with me."

Ethan looks both shocked and hurt. "Charlie, baby, I fell in love with you long before I knew about any of this. I don't feel obliged to stay with you at all. I swear it. I am here because I love you. I want to be with you until the day I die."

"You aren't guilting anyone, I promise baby." He takes my hand, lowers his head, and presses my fingers to the crown tattoo he got for me. "Please believe me when I tell you how much I love you. Please don't doubt me."

I swallow. "I know right now, you love me. But I'm scared of you falling out of love with me and the fact that I've attempted might force you into staying."

He looks up into my eyes. "I don't think I could ever fall out of love with you. I know your anxiety makes it hard not to have those thoughts of what ifs whirling around your brain, so I'll answer you, not because it could ever happen, but because I can see you need to hear it."

He takes a breath. "If I ever stopped loving you, I would be honest with you because both of us not being forthcoming about our feelings is what led to this situation in the first place. I would never be dishonest with you again, Charlie, even if it would hurt you. And you have friends now, your family, I know that'd you'd be okay if I ever left, that you'd still be loved."

Biting my lip, I reach out for his hand. "Thank you. I do hope that never has to happen though," I whisper, "because I am hopelessly in love with you and I don't think my feelings are a faucet that I can ever turn off."

"My faucet is gushing, baby." Ethan giggles. "I wanna marry you and start a family. Get a nice little house with a yard for a dog. Have anniversaries, take our kids to their first and last days of school, and grow old and grumpy all while holding your hand."

"I wanna be your Charlie Dechart."

"You will be." Ethan kisses me. "And I'll be your Ethan Dechart."

Giggling, I hug him tightly. "Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too. So much." Ethan holds me just as tight as if he never wants to let me go.

And I hope he never does.

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