Chirp chirp chirp

My eyes flutter open, the sounds of the birds waking up in turn waking me. Judging by the tones of the birds and the sunbeams invading my little room, I can already tell it's a good day today. Good weather, cool temperatures, and no signs of any incoming storms. While I do love storms, the animals do not, and I empathize with them just a little too much. Luckily, Vanir, my Black-Tailed Rattlesnake companion, also loves storms so at least I'm not alone.

I sit up, stretch, and start getting ready for the day. I roll up my sleeping bag and set it against the wall of my dilapidated room. A few vines have started making their way inside. It's really beautiful, watching nature retake what man had first taken. Charlie has offered several times to get me a job or a place to stay and Carmen has offered me her place indefinitely, but there's something about living out here in this abandoned house in the forest that brings me peace. It was my first sanctuary after all, after escaping...the woman who gave birth to me.

I shake away the thoughts of my origins and get dressed in a black hoodie and faded, ripped purple skinny jeans. My gages are in because I never take them out. I quickly put in the rest of my piercings, eyebrow, lip, septum, and all of the ones you can get for your ear. Ethan, Carmen, and Tony paid for them all along with my tattoos. I'm really grateful since that's not exactly something I could steal. Tony also paid for Carmen's nipple piercings back when she was still dating Ethan. We were all drunk when she got them and the deal was Ethan was supposed to get them as well but he passed out before we could make him. Tony always used to tease him about that...

Sighing, I grab my bag and head into Vanir's room where she's sleeping in her log. I'd brought up a ton of foliage for her, anything I could find so she'd like it up here. She seems very content.

I poke her head and stick my arm in her log. As she does every morning, she wraps herself around me so I can carry her downstairs. The stairwell is a few years away from becoming a parkour course, it's falling apart so much, but I get down without a problem.

I set Vanir on the ground outside so she can hunt and play while I'm at class. I know she'll be sitting back on the concrete step when I return. She always is. We have a very special bond. Black tailed rattlesnakes are naturally fairly docile, built more for camouflage than fighting, so it's not too strange we'd made friends, but still it's definitely something I treasure.

She slithers off to find breakfast and I hop onto my bike, riding to school. When I reach it I notice the bike rack is full so I locate Charlie's car and chain my bike up to that instead. He has a key so he can move it if he needs the car before I leave. Ethan's motorcycle isn't anywhere in sight, so I assume the blond still isn't letting him ride it.

As I'm heading inside, I notice Toby Love, the boy Charlie was talking about last week at Carmen's house, studying in the courtyard. I've seen him around but never bothered to speak to him. He has good energy, but there's also a darkness within him, terrible insecurity and self destructive tendencies. He puts himself in bad situations and attaches himself to bad people. That part of his energy seems particularly pronounced today and I notice he seems tired and hungry.

Normally, I wouldn't bother helping, but he's Charlie's friend now so that means he's my friend too, even if I've never met him.

I go inside and straight to the nearest vending machine. I'm not actually registered as a student here so I can't get any of the meals offered. When our group first started college, I'd told everyone I couldn't afford it but they'd wanted us to stay together, so Tony asked me if I could take one class, what would it be? I'd told him and the three of them had put some cash together for me to take it. After that class ended, the staff was so used to seeing me around, no one bothered to question me when I snuck back in, and if they did, Tony or Ethan would cause some kind of disturbance to distract them or Tony or Carmen would intimate/annoy them until they dropped it.

I really love my friends. They've done so much for me.

At the vending machine, I do my little trick that makes it drop stuff without the use of money and end up with a healthy granola bar, a snickers, and a bag of chips for breakfast. Eyeing the bar, I stuff it in my pocket and go back outside to eat, pulling out my deck of cards.

I consume the candy and chips while I read my cards, humming to myself. Once finished, I notice Toby Love get up and I stand to follow him. He heads inside and I push through the crowd until I'm right on his toes and slip the granola bar into his backpack where he's sure to find it. He doesn't notice, so I brush his skin with my deck as I pass before running off to Carmen's class.

She brightens up when she sees me and I join her in the back, shuffling my cards.

"Whatcha up to?" She asks, twirling her pen.

"Curious." I mumble and stop when I'm certain I won't remember where anything is.

"Can you ask them if I'll get a date soon?"

"Not right now."

Carmen pouts. "Lame."

"I already infused them with someone else's energy." I inform her and she just sighs.

"I see."

None of my friends believe in any magic or psychic powers, and I'm fine with that, as long as they don't make fun of me, which they don't. It's kinda funny how they'll claim they don't believe it, but put stock into what I say anyways and even ask questions. I think Charlie is the only one who doesn't pretend not to believe. It's really nice of him.

I spread the cards across my desk and pick one, another falling out onto the ground. I frown. That doesn't normally happen.

I turn over the one I'd picked, Toby Love's card. A jack of clubs. Interesting. Not necessarily a master of knowledge, but a harbinger of ideas, a vessel of sorts.

I draw him three more and find a 5 of clubs, a 2 of diamonds, and an 8 of spades.

♣︎ So his abilities are in the works of being used, but not quite at their full potential yet.

♦︎ His funds are very low, which must be why he was so hungry. He's also not using them for himself.

♠︎ And a point of interest. Something new in his life, unpredictable.

All in all, Toby is not in a good place right now but he has potential to either get much better or much worse.

I make a note of it for Charlie if he asks and gather everything up, brushing the deck against Carmen and going again. Picking up her card, the Queen Of Hearts, I take three more out while she watches.

"You're not getting a date anytime soon." I relay. "Your life is in an upturn and only getting better and...you had a sex dream about Ethan."

Carmen smacks me. "Fuck off! I did not!"

Giggling, I return my deck to my pocket. "The cards don't lie, ma'am."

"I hate you."

"It's natural."

"Shut the fuck up, Jones."

"Was it good?"

"Decent, I guess." She shrugs. "They're no fun to wake up from anymore cause I just feel guilty."

"More guilty than when you had one about professor Hendal?"

"That wasn't guilt, that was disgust."

I giggle again.

"You ever had one, Jones? I can't imagine you having sex."

"I have that vibrator you bought me."

"Yeah, but like, with a person."

"That's cause I'm not interested in a person." I stick my tongue out at her.

"I'm almost jealous but I like sex too much. Romance, however, I'd be happy to go without at this point."

I just shrug. "I don't know what it's like to feel those attractions, so I don't know which is better." I twirl my asexuality flag ring. I'd only found the label after Ethan came out. I knew about everything before then but with my friends being the way they were, I shied away from it all out of fear they'd find out but now that all of them are in the community, I'm not scared to admit who I am anymore. Scout Jones, aromantic asexual.

I really don't need a partner to be happy when I have so many incredible friends. I love each and every one of them, each for different reasons, and they fulfill me. Carmen's the one I'm closest to since I'd known her the longest and she knows everything about me. Unlike the others, she saw who I was before I was Scout. She saw where I lived, how I lived, how I'd wanted to stop living, yet she stayed. She knew how I'd come into this world yet she still found value in me despite it. Even I still have trouble with that.

The class ends while I'm stuck in my thoughts, time flying by like it's nothing, and Carmen nudges me. "Don't forget that card you dropped."

She packs up and heads out while I pick it up, eyes tearing up at it.

It's Tony's card. The Jack of Spades.

I wish I could throw the damn thing away, but an incomplete deck would be worthless. I don't even remember at what point it'd fallen out. That could've been important.

I shove it in my pocket with the rest. I don't forgive people who hurt my friends.

He hurt Charlie.

But he was also my friend, so my emotions about it are all jumbled up, as I know the rest of ours are. It's not fair. He can't believe we did what we did to him, but how dare he do what he did to us?

I don't read his future anymore. I can't handle it. It's dark. It hurts. He's hurting.

But it's his own fault.

I scramble out of the room before the professor can notice me. No one is here to protect me.

Carmen is outside smoking a joint and I join her, taking one for myself. She can't smoke around Dani, so she does it here.

"What were you thinking about in there?" She asks and I shake my head. "Come on, kiddo, you gonna start holdin' out on me now?"

I sigh and notice Ethan and Charlie exiting, but they don't come over since we're smoking. Charlie has asthma way worse than mine and Ethan's trying to quit nicotine cigarettes. We exchange waves and they head off somewhere else.

Finally, I decide to answer Carmen. "I was thinking about my life. How it started. How we met."

"Oh..." Carmen looks down, blowing smoke.

"Do you think Tony's in the same prison my father's in?" I ask suddenly.

Carmen's energy shifts to angry. "Don't call him that. He's not your father."

"What else can I call him?"

"Bio piece of shit?" She suggests but we don't laugh. "Anyway, the bastard's probably out by now. How long's it been? Nineteen years? Or- you're twenty now, yeah? I doubt he even got ten."

I cuddle closer, paranoia eating away at me. "I wish he got killed."

"Might've. We don't know." Carmen shrugs. "Why are we even talking about this?"

"I don't know. I just keep remembering." I whisper and close my eyes.

⚀⚁⚂⚃⚄⚅

Mentions of past r*pe, depictions of the affects of neglect and child abuse, religion (Christianity) being used as a defense

"Mama?" I whispered, the sound echoing down the dark hallway. There was no response, so the I bravely ventured out of my room in search of my mother. It was very late at night and I couldn't sleep. I wanted Mama to read me a bedtime story. Mama rarely ever reads to me. Mama was barely ever around me and it made me sad. Why doesn't Mama take care of me like Nana and Papa do? Mama always looks so angry. I don't know why.

Slowly, as I approached the kitchen, I started to hear voices so I crouched down to listen, not knowing if it was safe to go in.

"Do you know what fucking time it is?!" The harsh voice of Papa growled from inside the kitchen.

"Three a.m., I think?" Mama replied, her words sounding slurred. "Why do you even care? I'm fucking twenty-two now, dad."

"I care because you have a goddamn child to take care of, Isabell! You can't just go out drinking whenever you want." Papa argued.

"That is not my child!" Mama screamed and I flinched. I hate loud noises. "You forced me to have her, so you take care of her."

"If we didn't take care of her, would you just let her die?" Papa asked.

"I wanted her dead the moment I found out she was inside me." Mama deadpanned and I felt tears gathering in my eyes. I didn't understand what was being said, but I Mama's anger was for me.

"How dare you say that."

"How I?" Mama's voices started to rise. "Are you It's not like I went out, hooked up with some rando, and got myself knocked up! I was fucking , Dad! I think I deserved a goddamn abortion!"

"That baby did not deserve to be punished for that boy's actions." Papa said sternly.

"That wasn't even a FETUS YET!" Mama screamed and I covered my ears, starting to rock back and forth.

"The minute that child was conceived God gave her a soul!" Papa yelled back at Mama. "You would've murdered an innocent child!"

Mama laughed, but it didn't sound like a happy laugh. "Of course. Murder. Right, dad."

"Don't mock me, Isabella."

"What else am I supposed to do when you say such stupid shit?" Mama growled. "You know that if God makes babies, he causes miscarriages too, right? So God can abort babies but I can't?"

"That is not the same. Those children were never meant to be born. Their death was to serve as a lesson or a test for the parents."

"Then was my rape a test? A lesson from God?" Mama sounded dark. I didn't like it at all. It was scary. I never should've left my room.

It was quiet for a moment before Papa spoke again.

"Yes."

"Fuck you." Mama started moving and I panicked, not knowing where to hide. I couldn't let Mama find me here, not when she was so angry.

She was only putting her bag and coat down.

"Look at your daughter now, Isabell. Could you do it now that you know what she'd grow into?" Papa pressed.

"Absolutely." Mama said without hesitation and I wanted to cry but I had to be quiet.

"You don't fucking understand, dad. Every time I look at that damn girl's face I see the man who hurt me. I can't stand to be near her. I hate her."

"She's innocent." Papa said.

Mama scoffed. "That doesn't matter. I was so fucking scared of going to hell that I let you talk me into keeping something I knew I didn't want. I was . I didn't deserve that shit."

"You can't blame me, sweetie, I only did what I know to be right."

"What you know to be right." Mama repeated bitterly. "You know dad, that boy may have been the one who violated me in every conceivable way but you practically raped me again when you forced me to carry and birth that child."

Silence.

I didn't know what those words meant. What did Papa do? Mama was his baby, so shouldn't she love him? Or did he treat her the way Mama treated me?

"You don't know what you're saying. You're drunk." Papa huffed.

"Whatever." Mama started moving again and I crawled back toward my room as fast as I could, running and hiding under the covers once I got there.

No bedtime story for me. Not now, not ever again. I hurt my mommy. I don't deserve bedtime stories.

⚀⚁⚂⚃⚄⚅

previous one + mentions of eating disorder and bullying

That was the night I'd found out that I wasn't conceived, I wasn't wanted. I was here because a man had forced himself on my sixteen year old mother and gotten her pregnant against her will and my grandparents were so religious, they wouldn't even allow her an abortion.

It was worse than being an accident. I was the result of pure human evil.

I hadn't understood at the time, being only a toddler, all I knew was that my mother was angry and it was because of me. The older I grew, the more and more I understood what had actually been said that night, and all the nights afterwards.

They should've at least sent me to an orphanage, but my grandparents wouldn't have that either. Papa had said Mama needed to take responsibility for me, like it was her fault. None of it was her fault except how she treated me, but even then I still don't blame her. If I could go back and miscarry myself I would. I don't blame her for hating me. My existence was entirely forced on her, from my conception, to my birth, to me being her responsibility. It wasn't okay.

But I wasn't to blame either and it took me years to learn that. I'm not my father. I'm a result of his actions, but he has never had any influence over who I am. I've never even met him because my mom had been one of the lucky few, the few out of thousands of survivors who had actually been able to get their assaulter arrested.

But even then justice doesn't last long. Most rape charges (where both the victim and perpetrator are in the same age group) give you around 9 years, yet most of those monsters still manage to get out after roughly five. That's how it is in America, at least. I don't know about anywhere else.