I've done nothing but cry,

Nothing but weep within the first week

I'm scared

I'm so alone

I'm falling into bad habits,

But I don't know what else to do

I tried,

I cried,

I tried,

I cried,

I cried so much that the water level kept rising

First a puddle,

Then a pool,

Then a lake,

And now an ocean

I don't know what to do

I can't swim,

I don't know how

And I'm all alone now

I cried,

I tried,

I cried,

I tried,

I tried to tread water,

But I'm sinking,

Ethan, I'm drowning

When will you come back?

You are my life raft

I can't reach out for you,

I need you to reach out for me

Because I'm too busy drowning to think straight

My own feeble hands trace over my body as I study my own naked reflection. I look horrid.

This morning, I woke up in pain. Last night, I went to the bar. I didn't drink, but I saw some guy at the bar, I saw him, or so I thought. He wasn't Ethan, but I let him touch me. He looked so similar though, so much like my Ethan. His hair was the same, his height was the same, and his build was close enough. He was wearing a cowboy hat, but it wasn't Ethan's cowboy hat. He looked so much like him, but he had cruel, green eyes instead of Ethan's caring, loyal, beautiful, brown ones. This man who I called Ethan last night, his hands were equally as cruel.

He didn't hold me, didn't treat me with one ounce of compassion. I was the equivalent of a sex doll. He hit me, punched me, kicked me, and fucked me so roughly that I'm injured today. I let myself be his punching bag. I didn't even get any pleasure out of it. I didn't even come.

I just couldn't be alone anymore.

My eyes look dully at my complexion, tan skin mixed with black, blue, and purple hues. Everything hurts. I can't speak right now and I can't sit. I'm covered with scabs, scratches, and bite marks. It hurts, but I welcome the feeling because it shows me that I'm still alive.

Stepping into the shower, I slip and fall, pain shooting through my spine. I just get back up, dirty, reddish water going down the drain. I carefully start to clean myself out, cringing as I scrape out the sharp pieces of cracked, dry blood. It mixes down the drain and mixes with my filth.

Finally, I finish cleaning my whole body and dry off, looking at my reflection again. Dark purple handprints are prominent around my neck and I just shake it off and head to the kitchen to gargle some saltwater and take some numbing medicine for my throat.

The medicine leaves my tongue with a tingly feeling and I drink some water before heading into my room and grabbing Liam before bringing him to Ethan's room to cuddle with in bed.

He's been here, Ethan has. I can tell by the disappearance of certain things. I kept an inventory of his belongings and one day when I was checking, I saw that a box and half of his clothes were gone.

I let Liam envelop me as I breathe in Ethan, the room smelling like him despite him practically living in mine when he was still here.

Ethan hasn't been showing up to school. I don't know what's going on with his life or if he's moved on.

He's probably moved on.

Ethan's probably talking to someone who will give him what he deserves, someone whole and bright. He probably holds them, kisses them, cares for them, makes love to them. Or at least he will. I don't know about him in a real relationship because we were never real. Whatever his real is, I hope he gets it.

My science professor won't tell me anything about Ethan, doesn't even act like they know who he is. He just disappeared from my life so easily and it's jarring to say the least. Nonetheless, I can't help but worry that he's failing, worry that he's dropped out and ruined his dream of being an archeologist because of me. He said he'd try harder, that he'd start going to classes, but I can't find him anywhere.

I hear someone pounding on the apartment door. "Ethan! Get the fuck out here, you shit!"

I grab a robe and open the door. "Ethan isn't here."

O'Malley's eyes widen. "Oh. I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"How do I look?" I ask.

"Not great." She pushes her way in and looks around. "Ethan hasn't texted Scout or me in days."

"I haven't seen him longer than ten minutes since my birthday. I saw him over a week ago and his stuff is mostly gone, so I don't think he's coming back." I shrug.

"His stuff is gone?" She walks back over to me, concerned. "Can we sit?"

I sit in Ethan's favorite seat.

O'Malley sits on the couch. "What happened?"

"He wanted something that I can't give, so he left me," I say bluntly.

"He left you?" She raises her eyebrows in disbelief. "How? That boy was smitten."

"That's why he left."

O'Malley takes my hand in hers. "I... that really sucks. That fucking dick. I can't believe he did that to you. If I see him, I'm kickin' his ass."

"You won't see him. I think he dropped out or something."

"God," She stares at the floor. "This must be why he won't talk to anyone. After I... after he found out about Tony and I, he dropped off the map for a month. It's what he does when his heart's broke."

"He'll get over me. I mean, he was able to get over you." I scratch my head awkwardly, my voice cracking as it comes out low and mangled.

She shakes her head and squeezes my hand. "I hate that he hurt you. He's not like that... he's always so good to the people he loves."

"I hurt him first."

She knits her eyebrows. "How?"

"I didn't give him what he wanted. I accepted his affection and I 'strung him along' the whole time."

"He wanted you to love him." She surmises. "But you don't do that. Are you aromantic? Like Scout?"

"No. I told him I love him."

"Then... why?"

"I can't..."

"Why not? If you both love each other, why would you two ruin that?" She asks, confused.

"If I didn't even tell Ethan, why would I tell you? It's personal and I don't like talking about it."

"Okay," She holds her hands up. "Then we won't talk about it. Are you hungry? I can make a mean Mac and cheese."

"Oh, sure..." I bite my lip. "I haven't really eaten anything except bread since he left."

O'Malley stares at me. "What the fuck?! Okay, I'm making you food." She gets up and heads to the kitchen. "Where the fuck is everything?"

"In the pantry." I hug myself.

"Thank you." She smiles and grabs whatever supplies she needs. "Don't pout too much. We can be the fuck Ethan club or whatever." She chuckles. "If you want me here, I'm here. If you want me gone, I'm gone."

"I don't... do well... alone..."

She nods. "I'll stay as long as I can then."

"Thank you."

"No problem. Well... mostly. I have to go by midnight though, you know, for my sister." She fills a pot with water. "I can call Scout in. She's been doing some kind of thing with energy crystals or whatever but I'm sure she wouldn't mind visiting."

"That's fine. She doesn't need to. I'll be fine. I'm okay."

"Bullshit." She smirks at me. "But whatever, I'll respect your decision."

"Thanks." I fake a smile.

O'Malley continues to make the food, leaving me to my thoughts while she does.

"Do you wish that you were still with Ethan, that you never fucked up?" I ask.

She pauses, thinking. "Sometimes... but no. We've both grown, changed. It wouldn't work."

"Oh."

"He was happier with you..." She says honestly. "He never looked at me the way he looked at you."

"I wish it would work."

"Me too." She looks at me. "Just know that... whatever it is, he would be willing to work through it."

"I don't want to bring him into it."

"Okay, Charlie."

"Are you good at cooking?"

"Good enough." She shrugs. "I hate cooking, but someone's gotta feed Dani."

"That's cute."

"It's more like survival, but thanks."

"I learned how to cook for my sibling too." I grin.

"I didn't know you had any. What's their name?

"His name is Xander. He's eighteen now." I get up and show her a picture of him at the beach.

"That's a cool name." She smiles at the picture. "He looks chill."

"Yeah. He's pretty awesome."

"You should hang out with him. Might lift your spirits." She shrugs. "Food's done." She serves two bowls of mac and cheese.

I begin eating. "It's good."

"Of course it is." She stuffs her face.

I finish the bowl and freeze.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She taps my arm.

I run to the bathroom and hurl into the toilet and begin crying. I hate throwing up, it makes me feel so dirty and makes everything about me itch. The tastes, the sounds, the views, the smell, all of it is too much. It's almost like I hit rock bottom, but I'm not quite there yet. Instead, I'm hugging a toilet and sobbing into the bowl. Everything hurts. I want him back. I need him.

Ethan...

O'Malley follows and rubs my back gently.

After I finish, I quickly brush my teeth. "Sorry. Not used to eating and I hate puking."

"It's fine, I should've started you out with something gentler." She fixes my hair.

I swish some mouthwash and gargle it before washing my face.

"You can start with crackers this time and liquids." She rubs my back.

"I'm good. Not even that hungry."

"Are you starving yourself?" She ask seriously.

"No. I just lost my appetite when I lost my Ethan." I shrug.

O'Malley nods. "Yeah... I kinda know how that feels. You wanna just watch some dumb, funny movies until I have to go?"

"Yes, please." I open my mouth to ask a question, but change my mind.

"What?" She lightly slaps my ear. "Don't hold words back with me."

"I didn't hold back. I just changed my mind. I was gonna ask you to cuddle with me." I giggle.

"Maybe I can stomach it. Just this once." She smiles.

"Yay." I disappear into my room and get into proper pajamas. I return and plop on the couch.

She shakes her head and plops down next to me, hesitantly leaning against me. "You're adorable."

I wrap an arm around her and press play on a movie on my DVR, cuddling into her. "Thank you. You're really pretty."

"You're welcome. And thanks, I've gotten really good at makeup since..." She wipes some off her face to reveal a bruise.

I kiss her cheek. "You don't need the makeup, it just makes you more confident."

She blushes and punches my chest. "Shut up, nerd."

"Why must you always bring my nerdiness into it?" I whine.

"It's the easiest thing to insult." She laughs.

"Oh whatever. Let's just watch so we can finish before you have to leave." I smile and pull her closer.

"Okay." She relaxes against me.

We watch the movie in peace, cracking up at all the best jokes before I shut the television off, wiping my eyes. "That was great."

"Indeed." She smiles.

"Thank you for staying over," I say.

"No problem. What are friends for?" She smirks.

"Thank you." I hug her.

She returns the hug and stands. "You take care of yourself, ya hear?"

"I'll try my best. Drive safely, okay?"

"Will do." She heads to the door. "Oh, give me your phone. I'll give you Scout's and my number."

I hand her my phone. "Please don't put any trick numbers..."

"Why would I do that?" She scoffs and adds two contacts. "Here. Anytime you need someone, one of us will come." She hands my phone back to me.

"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind."

She leaves and I check the contact that my phone still has opened, giving a small smile at the name.

"Carmen."

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