《parties // billie eilish》Chapter 89: I need to know

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''Are you sure that you're okay?'' Finneas asks from the kitchen. Him and Billie are in there talking while I'm laying down in her bed, trying to get some sleep/

''Yeah. Or as okay as I could be right now,"

"I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. What about Ember?"

"I'm worried about her, she thinks it's her fault."

"Oh, that's not good."

"I know," Billie says. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation I feel myself getting more tired as I eventually drift off to sleep.

I open my eyes, feeling even more tired than usual. I don't know why I'm so tired, I guess that my bad sleeping schedule has given me a always-exhausted-disease and well, that sucks. I can tell that Billie is sleeping behind me, even though I can't see her. For some reason, I can always tell when she's close to me and that's a comforting but at the same time creepy feeling. There's nothing that I want to do more right now than to sleep, but I decided that I have to visit Travis today. According to Kevin, he will be able to come home tomorrow and I really hope that everything goes well. What makes me feel a little bit better about this situation is that Travis will see a therapist and get help for real. Hopefully, he will feel better soon and I will do absolutely anything in my power to help him as well. Quietly, I turn around so that I'm facing Billie. Her green and black hair is spreaded all over the pillow and her mouth is slightly open. She looks so peaceful, so peaceful that I decide not to wake her up and just leave instead.

Carefully, I get out of the bed and put on a pair of cargo pants and a white sweatshirt before leaving the apartment. Not wanting Billie to wake up and worry about me, I pick up my phone and text her.

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As the elevator reach the bottom floor, I walk towards the bus stop while looking at the morning traffic. Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking about on a boring morning like this, probably how boring school or work is going to be. As the word ''school'' pops up in my head, I feel a lump in my stomach. Now when Christina and Charles will come back, I will have to go to school again and try to focus on my life. The hardest part about recovering from mental illness is that you're just thrown out from your little bubble to the world again and people are expecting you to be exactly like before. Sometimes, I find it comforting to be sad because I actually feel something. The worst feeling in the world is when you feel completely numb. You know that you could do something horrible to yourself, but you're not scared because you can't feel anything. I'm in such a bad fucking mood today.

I walk onto the bus and sit down in one of the soft seats before sighing. Travis doesn't even know that I'm going to show up, what if he's busy or something? I feel like shit for not being able to talk to him about what happened longer, but I guess that his family is more important. Hopefully, I'll be able to talk to him more today.

I just want to know. I need to know. I hate myself for not being there enough for him as a friend. Why didn't I call him more often? Why didn't I just ask him how he really felt? I shake my head, trying to focus on what's going on right now.

It takes a while, but I eventally reach the hospital and I get off the bus as I hear my phone calling. Billie. Of course it's Billie.

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''Hey'', I say flatly while walking through the doors of the hospital.

''Yo, why didn't you wake me up to tell me that you were leaving?'' She asks, sounding tired.

''Didn't wanna wake you up.''

''You know I hate it when I wake up without you here, dude. Maybe I wanted to go with you? Travis isn't just your friend, you know,'' she mutters as I suddenly feel confused and angry.

''What's up with you? Why would you say that?'' I ask, raising my eyebrows.

''Whatever,'' she says before hanging up. What the fuck.

I want to call her back and yell at her for being so immature, but I keep myself from doing it. Instead, I take a deep breath before trying to remember the number of the room that Travis is in.

I'm eventually able to recognize Travis's hospital room and I take another deep breath before knocking on the door.

"I don't want more water, Rosa!" I hear a weak voice say from the room. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion before opening the door. Travis snaps his head and smiles widely.

"Rosa, huh?" I laugh.

"She's an annoying nurse who gives me fucking toys and water every single second, do I look dehydrated or something?" He jokes, making me laugh even more.

"No, you don't. She's just a bitch."

Travis opens his arms and I approach him before carefully wrapping my arms around him. The fabric of his white T-shirt is soft and smells just like him.

"How have you been?" I ask after pulling away, keeping my hand on his arm.

"Not that bad. Like I said, Rosa keeps my company," he sighs with a chuckle.

"Well, at least you don't have to be alone," I smile, analysing all the bruises on his hand.

"True."

I'm so glad that he seems to feel better, but I can't stop thinking about the fact that Billie is mad at me.

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