The way he would smile at me, ask me how my day was in school. He would hug me tightly when his small precious heart would hurt. I couldn't feel pain unless Evan was sad. I was too numb, but that boy never failed to make me feel emotions. If he was sad, I would break down. If he was happy, it made my day. When he died... I wanted to die. My hands would stroke his light brown hair, admiring how soft it was. I always wished that I looked more like him, it would be an honor. People would always tell me and my brother that he looked more like my dad and that I was a clone of my mom. It would hurt but no one knew what was going on behind closed doors, of course. To have someone so close to you, so close that it feels like you're the same person just disappear, is something that I can't explain. It felt so empty. So incredibly empty. Everytime I wake up, I just want to go inside Evan's room, jump onto his bed and have a conversation about our dreams. Evan would always dream about his friends at school, or animals. I usually had dreams about dark things, but I never told Evan that. He believed me when I told him that I dreamed about landscapes with unicorns and dinosaurs and how he saved the world from the evil monsters behind the hills.

Whenever he had a nightmare, he would walk into my room quietly with his favorite stuffed animal which was a tiger named Frank. I would lift my blanket and pat the mattress, signaling for him to lay down next to me. As he did, we would usually cuddle until he fell asleep

When mom and dad's screams would fill the living room, I would grab Evan's hand and lead him to my bedroom on the second floor. I had this box under my bed filled with papers and pens that we would use to draw our dream life. Evan wanted to draw the landscape, and I drew our big house with a waterslide from the balcony. I would smile when he drew a small house next to ours where mom and dad would live.

''Even if they are mad sometimes, they should be able to visit us whenever they want!'' He explained, making my heart ache.

The ceiling is white. A single fly is flying around, trying to find it's way out. If you could get into my house to annoy me, why are you complaining when you can't get out, you stupid fly? I tried to eat breakfast downstairs an hour ago, but the lump in my throat just made it impossible to swallow anything that I put in my mouth, so I went upstairs again. I'm wearing Billie's oversized white T-shirt, my hands resting on my stomach that the garment is hugging. Everything feels so gray as I keep my eye on the fly. Another memory hits me.

As I sit by my table, doing my homework I hear my door open. Evan stands in the doorway with tears in his eyes.

''Evan! Are you okay?'' I ask after dropping my pen and rushing to him, grabbing his shoulders.

''Mom and dad are mad at each other,'' he sobs, making my heart drop.

''Hey, it's okay,'' I whisper before pulling him into a hug, rubbing his back. I hate my fucking parents.

Billie interrupts my thinking by opening the door. Don't get me wrong, I love her but sometimes I just want to be alone and thinking like this gets me in a bad mood.

''Hey,'' she says softly as I keep my gaze on the ceiling.

''Hey,'' I say quietly, biting my lip. I'm really not in the mood right now to be with her, but I can't just tell her to leave or something.

''You good?'' She asks after a while of silence.

''Yeah, I'm fine,'' I say, finally looking at her. She's so beautiful. She's wearing a white hoodie with some numbers written on it and matching sweatpants. There are rings on her fingers, four to be exact. A chain out of silver is hanging around her neck, matching her rings.

''Babe, I can tell when something is wrong,'' she says, walking over the floor in Julia's room to me.

''I'm fine, really. I was just thinking about old stuff. Nothing to worry about,'' I say, giving her a fake smile. It's actually not a lie, so it's not like I'm pushing her away.

''Okay, I'll be downstairs with Kevin and Julia if you need me,'' she says, putting her lips against my forehead as I smile.

''Thank you.''

I tried multiple times to go downstairs to be a bit social with my friends, but I feel too bad. You know when you have this lump in your throat all the time and a pain in your stomach that won't go away? It's hard to move because your body doesn't want to. It just wants you to stay in your bed forever and trust me, that's what I want too. Imagine how great it would be if you could just spend your life sleeping without anything happening. That is a good life.

I feel more and more tired as I think about my dream life, so tired that I almost don't notice when my girlfriend enters the room, walking over to my and laying down on the bed behind me.

''My baby,'' she mumbles while wrapping her arms around my waist, pulling my shirt up slightly so she can rest her hands directly on the skin on my stomach. She shuffles a bit into a more comfortable position before resting her face in the back of my neck. I will probably not have to deal with any nightmares tonight. Not when she is here to protect me. After a while, I drift off to sleep with the best human in the world behind me.