Funerals. I've always thought that it's a pretty weird thing. You are basically eating nice food, dressing up and talking to people because someone died and I think that it's so strange. There are people sitting on benches in the same room as a dead body that's waiting to be buried into the ground forever as if it's a normal thing.

''Are you ready?'' Julia asks and I take a deep breath before nodding slowly. The ceremony starts in a few minutes and I'm pretty nervous. There has been a lot of talking about where I will live and I have no idea. If I can't live with Charles, I will have to move into a house with a random family, and that doesn't really sound exciting.

''Good,'' she says, sqeezing my shoulder lightly. ''I'm sure that they will love your speech.''

My speech. Right, I'm going to have a speech in front of all the people, most of them people that I don't know. My mom's ''friends'' are here and some neighbours. There's also a lot of her friends from her job when she wasn't an alcoholic. Julia lefts the room, probably sitting down with Travis and Kevin to watch the ceremony while I'm staying here behind the big room for a while, thinking about everything. I really wish that Billie was here, but she's still on tour for one more week and I don't blame her for not coming home, it's just hard to do this without her.

I take deep breath before opening the heavy black door, seeing how everyone turns around to look at the poor girl without a family who stands there in her black dress. Slowly, I walk towards the podium on the stage without looking anyone in the eyes. I feel gazes all over my body but I keep mine on the white podium. My right hand is firmly hugging the small pieces of paper that are folded as many times as I could fold them.

After walking up the stairs, I look at the letters on one of my papers. I still refuse to look at anyone, because it would make me even more nervous. After another deep breath, I start.

''Mom. You were the one who made me feel really bad. Everytime you came home, I was scared of you. The way you made me feel was terrible, in all ways. The reason to why I speak like this is beecause I don't want to lie. My mom were not the most perfect human being on this earth, not even close. I don't want to sit here and describe her as this perfect mom who was always here for me, because that was not the case. Our relation wasn't even a relation and I've always been convinced that she never loved me, but I was wrong. A few weeks ago, my mom did apologize to me for her actions, and for the first time in a while, I felt the way I think a daugther should feel. Loved, safe. I am so thankful for being able to experience a feeling like that. Even if she did a lot of things, she was a strong woman who we all should learn from. To apologize and try to become a better person. When I found the letter, I realised that...''

I stop talking when I feel how my voice starts to shake from the emotional content of my sentence. The last part was not written on my paper, I'm just saying things from my heart right now and I don't even know if anyone notices that at all. While biting my lip, I look away and try to be strong.

''I realised that both me and my mother could have been doing things better. I am so sorry, mom. I know that you don't want me to feel guilty, but I do. I feel guilty.''

The room stays quiet. It feels as if no one knows what to say and I don't blame them. I fold my papers once more and wipe the tears out of my eyes before walking down the stairs to sit down next to Julia. As the priest starts to talk, I immediately lean my head against her shoulder to feel comforted. I was way to broken to plan the funeral so I just let Julia's parents help me. Her mom used to know my mom but they stopped being friends when mom started to do drugs.

As the ceremony is over, we walk quietly behind the men that's carrying the big, white chest with my mom in it. I have been crying practically all the time, but I don't really care. People shouldn't be surprised of my sadness because of everything that's been going on. I feel how Julia puts her hand on my shoulder but I couldn't care less about being comforted right now. I feel so guilty and there's no way that anything or anyone could stop it.

After the chest has been lowered into the hole in the ground, I just look down at it. My mom is inside of it. My family. My blood. In a chest in the ground. She is not on this earth anymore. Because of me. The sudden thought makes my tears stream down my cheeks even more, falling down into the hole. I wish that I could switch position with her right now and I would do anything to rotten in the dirt instead of her. As I look up, I see how people look at me, apology written all over their faces as they see the broken girl. I just turn around towards Julia and hug her. Can't I escape from this evil world already? Julia doesn't say anything, she knows that whatever she says won't help and that's not her fault. It's just the fact that words can't help in situations like this. Comfort can help, thought. The feeling of someone else caring about you.

The food feels dry in my mouth and it doesn't taste anything at all as I move around the fork on my plate. I feel how Travis observes me, ready to comfort me if I would just break down. I both love and hate that at the same time, kinda funny. My mom's old friend is holding a speech about their friendship in school and I would really like to listen, but I know that my tears would stream down my cheeks and make a flood in the big dining hall. The only thing that's on my mind right now is Charles. I was obviously looking for him here but I couldn't find him. It's so fucking weird to not attend your sister's funerial and I just try to get it into my head.

As I enter the house, I head towards my room right away before laying down. I don't even care about the clothes I'm wearing or the make up that will most likely rub off against the sheets. I just cry and cry until Julia enters the room quitly. She sits down next to me and wraps her arms around me, holding me tight. It gets darker and darker outside and I feel more and more exhausted. After a while, it's enough to make me fall asleep.