Before everything happened, I usually just stayed in my bed all day, without doing anything. I've realised that I'm outside more now and I actually do shit. Most because my friends force me to, but still. It makes me feel better physically, but mentally I still feel like shit.

I'm about to visit my mom and I will also ask her doctor if I can leave for a month and if something could happen to her under that period of time. I really want to travel with Billie because I feel happy, or the closest I can get to feeling happy. The thing that stops me from doing it is that if something happens to my mom during that time, I'll never stop hating myself for not being home.

My mom is laying in the hospital bed when I enter the room as usual. Nothing has changed since I was here the last time and it makes me feel as if there's no hope left at all. I sit down and I feel more emotional than usually when I grab her hand.

''Mom'', I start, my voice cracking. ''I really miss you and I hope that you're listening. Or... I know that you're listening, of course. Right now, I feel really scared and I need you. Just please, wake up.''

I let out a sob and I feel how the tears are coming as I bend down, resting my head against her lifeless body. I don't usually cry when I think about her, only when I talk about and put words on the situation. I guess that I really understand how bad this is whenever I do. I don't know anything about her state or if she's going to wake up and I hate it. I'm literally ugly-crying in a hospital room right now, not knowing if the last piece of family that I have left will survive. Okay, I should stop feeling bad for myself. I'm not the one who's suffering so I walk over to the sink in the room, wiping my tears away and splashing some water onto my face to hide any signs of crying before walking over to the room where my mom's doctor is. I knock on the door, waiting for a response and he opens up almost immediately.

''Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to you about my mom who's in that room?'' I say, pointing towards the room where my mom has been for the past days.

''Okay, I've got some time. Sit down, please'', he says before sitting down in his chair and I sit down on one as well.

''So, my mom hs been here for a while and I wonder if her state will change soon or if she will be like this for another while? I was planning to travel with my... friend soon and I was wondering if she will still be like this when I come back?'' I ask.

''For how long will you be gone?'' He asks.

''A month'', I answer, biting my lip.

''A month? I don't know if I can tell you that she will be like this after a month. What I can tell you is that I'm almost sure that she won't change in a week or two. Could you guys possibly try to travel for a shorter amount of time? Or you could maybe leave a bit earlier?'' He suggests and I actually consider tha last option.

''That could work'', I answer. ''Do you know anything about her state now?''

''She is breathing and is very much alive, but we still don't know if she's going to wake up. The only thing we can do is to wait and see. You know that we have a therapist at the hospital? I could give you her number and you can consider it'', he says, writing down a number on a piece of paper before handing it to me. I put it in my pocket, even though I'm sure that I won't call the number.

''Thank you'', I say before leaving the room. should I feel sad or happy now? I guess that the news that I can travel made me happy, but the fact that no one knows if my mom will wake up just fucks it up. As I walk through the hallway, I deal Billie's number, feeling the butterflies in my stomach as I wait for her to answer. It takes a while, but eventually she answers.

''Hi, baby'', she says and I smile.

''Hey. I was going to talk to you about tour, do you have a minute?'' I ask her.

''Sure, what's up?''

''I'm at the hospital and I asked my mom's doctor if he could garantee that she will be in the same state as now in a month and he didn't now'', I start, hearing her sigh. ''But, he told me that she will most likely be like this in a week or two so if I could come with you at the first stops and then go home after two weeks?''

''That sounds great!'' She says, sounding happier.

''Where are we heading first?'' I ask her.

''Denmark, I think. We're leaving at tuesday morning. If you're not up early, we're leaving without you!'' She jokes and I laugh.

''Okay, but I must go now. I love you!''

''I love you too, bye.''

I turn my phone off before sitting down in the bus seat. I feel a bit scared of leaving my mom but I can trust the doctors, right? Why does it feel so wrong? I don't know, man. I try to push the thoughts aside before unlocking my phone.

I put my phone in my pocket before I get off the bus, heading towards Kevin's house. It's pretty cold outside and as usual, I forgot to put a jacket on so I freeze my fucking ass of as I walk towards Kevin's apartment.

I step out of the elevator, knocking on Kevin's door and Julia opens op almost immediately.

"Hey", she says, hugging me. Not I realise that I've never been ay Kevin's house and I must say that it's really cool. The hallways is really small, but there's a big living room next to it with a big couch where him and Travis sits, watching a movie. They see me and wave, smiling. I sit down next to them, sighing.

Tour for two weeks? How will it go? I can trust the doctors, right? I push the thoughts aside before trying to focus on the TV-screen instead of everything that's going on.