When I arrive at my house, I push the keys into the lock, twisting it before walking in. I feel really tired and exhausted from all the crying, but I won't let myself sleep or rest so I sit down on the couch and break down in tears again. My jaws hurts from tensing them so hard and I lay back onto the couch, almost choking on my tears. I need something for the pain. Suddenly, I get a great idea that can help right now, so I stand up, heading towards the kitchen before opening the cupboard. When I see a bottle of vodka in it, I cheer to myself before opening it up. I immediately turn the bottom up and swallow a big amount of the strong liquid. The way it burns in my throat makes me wanna throw it up, but I manage to hold it in. I repeat the action a few times before feeling really dizzy. With weak legs, I try to get back to the couch. I have to practically drag my own body towards it, but I manage to get there after a while. Suddenly, I start to think about an old memory that I had with my brother.

November 13, 2015

I'm in the kitchen when I hear steps behind me. As I turn around, I see how Evan stands in the doorway with a red area on his cheek.

''Evan, your face! What happened?'' I ask, concerned as I approach my little brother.

''He hit me!'' He outburst before jumping into my arms.

''Who?'' I ask, feeling how the anger builds up inside of me.

''Cody! I told him to stop mocking my friend and he hit me!'' He cries out and I hug him tighter.

''Schhh, it's okay. You did the right thing telling him to stop. The fact that he used violence against you means that he doesn't have anything better to say, alright? Whenever someone uses violence, it means that they're out of words'', I mumble.

''I'm scared.''

''I understand. You wanna do something? We can go to McDonald's and I can buy you that ice cream that you love!'' I suggest, trying to make him think about better things. He nods before smiling weakly.

''I love you, Evan.''

''I love you, too.''

I miss him so fucking much. His smile, the way he cared about everyone and how... scared he was. He was literally scared of so much and I did everything I could to protect him from his fears. I would do anything for him, I would kill myself to let that boy live. I just wish that I could bring him back, but there's nothing I can do. I failed to protect him and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. He's gone. He's dead. I will never see him again. The thoughts makes me cry even more and I feel like the worst person on this earth. My eyes ache from crying so much and I can't even feel my jaws anymore. I feel more and more exhausted as I lay on my back on the couch with one hand on my stomach. I want to die.

-

''Oh my god! What happened to her face? She's bleeding!''

''Ember! We were looking for you everywhere!''

I feel how someone is shaking my shoulders, but I don't care enough to see who it is.

''Ems, look at me.''

It's Billie. I open my eyes that are red and dry from crying so much. She's crouching down next to the couch, and I can see how the others are standing around me too with concerned looks on their faces.

''What happened to you?'' Billie asks, grabbing my face.

''I'm fine'', I mumble, trying to sit up but I feel so exhausted that I can barely move.

''Who hurt you?'' She repeats.

''Karen'', I admit, finally managing to sit up.

''What did she do?'' Julia asks, looking angry. I have no energy to answer.

''That fucking bitch'', Travis mutters, kicking his shoe against the floor.

I try to stand up from the couch, but my body feels so numb and tired and that combined with the pain in my face makes me stop. Julia looks at Kevin who approaches me and puts his arms under me to lift me up. I feel so exhausted that I fall asleep again, resting my head against his chest.

-

A sting in my cheek makes me tense in confusion.

''Shit, baby I'm sorry!''

I open my eyes and I see that Billie sits in front of me with a piece of cotton in her hands.

''What are you doing?'' I ask stupidly.

''I'm cleaning your wound. Stay still'', she says and I feel how it hurts when she wipe the cotton against the skin on my cheeks. She finishes off with a bandaid, just like the nurse. I feel nauseous and dizzy from the alcohol, but it's not necessary to tell her. She will just worry.

''I must go now because I've got shit to do early tomorrow. Julia's downstairs. I love you so much'', she says before kissing me. It lasts for a bit longer than usual, but we eventaully pull away.

''I love you too'' I say as she leaves the room, returning to sleep.

-

I wake up, confused. I try to rub my eyes but when I feel the bandaid on my cheek, I remember everything that happened today, or yesterday? What time is it? When I sit up, I feel a bit more rested than before but I'm still feeling like shit. After pulling the covers off of me I see that I'm wearing Billie's gray sweatpants and hoodie. They're too big for me, so the sleeves are rolled up a bit to fit me better. The garments smell like her and that's pretty comforting. Every step feels heavy when I walk over the wooden floor, but I manage to walk down the stairs. Julia sits in her couch, watching a movie as I enter the room.

''Hey'', I whisper.

''Hey. How are you?'' She asks, patting the couch and I sit down.

''I'm fine, how about you?''

''I'm good'', she sighs.

''Where are the others?'' I ask.

''It's 1am, Ember. They're sleeping at their houses'', she says.

''Oh.''

Julia looks at me and grabs my hand before talking.

''Ems, can you describe excactly what happened with Karen? I think it's important for me to know'', she asks softly. I realise that I can't escape this one, so I take a deep breath before starting to explain the day.

''Basically, I was just walking to my first class like any other day, or not any other day but you get it. Suddenly, Karen just approached me and asked why I wasn't in school and I was like ''Leave me alone'' and she called me lazy. I know that it's not a big thing, but it feels so fucking shitty to be called lazy when the real reason is that my mom is at the hospital'', I pause to take a deep breath. ''And... I told her to shut up and then she spat me in the face so I became mad and slapped her. After that she punched me in my face.''

''She's so fucking stupid'', she says simply, shaking her head. ''I don't think that you did anything wrong to her, it was just not good because now you're bruised. You look kinda badass, though'', she says with a smile and I giggle.

''But don't get into another fight. It's not worth it, I promise'', she says before pulling me into a hug.

''I'll try'', I mumble into her shoulder.

''It's pretty late, we should sleep. I called my school and asked if you could come there and have classes with us for the rest of the week. They said that it was fine, so you can come with us tomorrow'', she explains with a smile.

''Seriously? That's great!'' I outburst.

After saying good night to Julia, I lay down in my bed, cuddling into the sheets. I close my eyes and think about tomorrow. It's scary to meet new people, but I guess that it's better than the school I'm at now, at least. I'm so fucking scared and excited at the same time. Let's try to have fun in school for the first time.