Billie enters the room, looking tired as she sits down on the edge of the bed.

''We're going to school now'', Julia mumbles before closing the door and I hear how she walks downstairs.

''Hey'', she whispers, smiling at me weakly. I don't answer, waiting for her to explain herself.

''Ems, I'm sorry for being so mad about the thing with Travis. It was just... stupid and I had no idea what he was going through'', she explains, looking down at her lap. ''I just want you to know that the reason to why I reacted like I did was because you mean so much to me and I'm scared of...''

Her voice cuts off with a crack, immediately making me concerned. Even though I'm pissed, I can't stand seeing her in pain so I grab her hand, stroking her knuckles with my thumbs.

''Scared of what?''

''Scared of losing you'', she says, her lips trembling. Her words are so raw and it makes me feel loved for real. A new feeling.

''You won't lose me'', I whisper, shaking my head. She's my everything, why would I ever let her go? I see how a tear slips out from her eyes and I immediately distract her from feeling like this by pressing my lips against hers, closing my eyes. My hands find their way to her waist, pushing her down on the bed as I straddle her, wiping her tears away.

''I love you so unbelievably much. I won't leave you'', I say and she responds by pulling me down against her body, meeting my lips again. I guess that we both want to make the other one feel as good as possible after hurting the other one so we both try to take dominance. After a while, I give up, letting her climb on top of me, placing light kisses over my neck before taking my shirt off. When she grinds against my body, I feel weak as I scratch her back lightly with my nails.

"You want to do this?" She pants.

"Yes", I breath out. She nods and I feel her hot mouth on my chest, making me feel weak.

''Shit,'' I mumble as she leaves hickeys all over the area. She signals me to sit up, unclasping my bra. Her eyes scan my chest, making me feel nervous but she stops my thinking by kissing my new exposed skin. She then presses her body against mine, making me lay down on my back again as she grabs my face. Her lips meet mine, but I gasp when I feel her hand between my legs. I try to move my head, but keeps her other hand on my neck, stopping me from doing so.

''Look at me,'' she says with a low voice, sending shivers down my spine. I look into her blue eyes, seeing how they are turning darker with every second. When my eyes meet hers, she puts more pressure against me with her hand, making me breath heavily. She starts moving her hand in circles, making me grab her shoulders to pull her closer. After that, she stands up and takes her clothes off in front of me. I can't stop myself from staring at her, admiring her beauty. How did I get this lucky? She moves back to the bed, grabbing the hem of my sweatpants before pulling them down along with my underwear. Immediately, she starts kissing my inner thighs and I feel how the aching between my legs grows. I grab the headboard of the bed when her tongue comes in contact with my sensitive area, breathing heavily. She puts my legs over her shoulders, grabbing my thighs.

''Wait,'' I say, making her look up at me with worry in her eyes.

''Are you alright?'' She asks.

''Yeah, I just want to try something,'' I say, making her smile. I grab her wrists gently and pull her up to me again. I then move my hand between her legs and start moving my fingers. She understands what I'm trying to do, moving her hand down my body to touch me as well. When I enter one finger inside her, she does the same to me, making her bury her face in my neck. She moans quietly, kissing my neck between the noises. I keep my other arm on her waist, gripping onto her tightly as she finds an extra sensitive spot inside of me.

''Keep doing that,'' I whisper into her hair, biting my lip as I try to focus on the pleasure that she's giving me. As I move my fingers a bit faster, curling them she moans against my neck. Pleasure takes over my body when she rubs her thumb against me, making me do the same to her.

''I'm close,'' I whisper, barely audible.

''Me too,'' she pants, speeding up her movements. It feels better and better until I feel the familiar knot inside my stomach. Billie's hips buckle against my hand, telling me that she feels the same thing that I do.

''Fuck,'' I pant, trying my best to keep quiet as I feel myself reaching my peak. Our bodies tense at the same time and my knuckles turn white from grabbing her so hard. Riding out our highs, we keep panting for a while before Billie collapses on top of me.

"Oh my god", I sigh, trying to calm down my breathing. My hands move to her lower back, tickling her soft skin. She places soft kisses on my neck, resting her naked body against mine.

After a while, I get out of the bed and put my clothes on again in case someone gets home. I force Billie to do the same, not wanting anyone to know about this. It's not that I don't want people to know the fact that we're having sex, I'm just... I don't know.

"Isn't this Julia's parents bed that we're fucking in?" She asks, making me laugh.

"I think so, yeah. It's disgusting", I giggle.

I cuddle further into her chest, kissing the hot skin on her neck.

"I'm sorry for earlier", she mumbles, putting her hand on my head while stroking my hair.

"I should be the one apologizing-"

"No, shut up. You didn't do anything wrong", she says, making me giggle.

I'm happy that we solved the small fight between us. It feels like I know that I do mean something to her and that means a lot to me. I wish that I could show her one day, but I'm not good enough. At least not right now.

"What are you up to today?" I ask her, hoping that we will have time to spend with me.

"Unfortunately, I have to do some interviews today and I'm having a dinner tonight with my family and mom's friends. We'll hang out tomorrow, deadass", she explains. The fact that I won't see her much today breaks my heart, but I act as if it's fine.

"Yeah, that'd be great", I say, giving her a fake smile.

"What about you?" She then asks.

"I don't know. I think that I will visit mom and I also have to go back to my own house to get some stuff from there", I say, getting a bit nervous. The last time I was in my house, something terrible happened and I don't want to experience some shit like that again.

"Okay, I'm proud."

"Why?"

"Because you're still fighting, man. You're never giving up, you're literally my role model", she grins as I peck her lips, laying down on top of her. Why does she have to leave?

Later

The hospital room is light as always and it has that scary vibe all over it. The machine with a green line that shows my mom's pulse on a monitor makes me even more scared. What if it just turns into a line? I push away the though, even though I know that it's a possibility. I sit down on the stool that hasn't moves an inch since I was here tha last time. Do the doctors even care about her? "We will do everything we can to save her" my ass. As usual, I grab her hand before starting to tell her about this stressful day.

"Hey, mom. Last time I was here, I talked about Billie and that panic attack. I just want to say that it's fine between us two now. We had a fight this morning, but in my eyes it just made us closer to each other. I don't know how you felt when you met dad, but I think that I love this girl, like... love. It's amazing, isn't it?" I explain, smiling while thinking about the blue-eyed girl. "I have to go now, mom. Stay strong, I love you and I know that you're listening", I say before kissing her head and leaving the room.

The bus ride towards the bus stop close to my house feels nervous. Julia offered to follow me here but I said no because I feel like I need to do this by myself. I just want to go around in my house and think, it's good for me. You know when people get muscles by working out? I get more open-minded by thinking. The same thing. After walking off the bus, I head towards my house while listening to a song that reminds me of my early days with Billie.

Okay, okay, okay, okay

Okay, okay, oh

You live in my dream state

We're lowkey my fantasy

I stay in reality

You live in my dream state

Any time I count sheep

That's the only time we make up, make up

You exist behind my eyelids, my eyelids

Now I don't wanna wake up

When I walk up the steps, I turn off my music and unlock the door. It's cold inside, almost a bit scary. What if a murderer lives here? He could gladly kill me. As I walk around the room, tracing the wooden walls with my fingertops I feel a bit more calm. This is were I used to be everyday, living my life. It's crazy how shit changes. I walk into my room, opening my closet to grab some clothes to have at Julia's. I've just been borrowing Bilie's clothes and sometimes Julia's. I also bring my favorite stuffed animal before leaving. Call me a three year-old but I can't sleep without it. When I'm about to leave the house, I throw a glance into the bathroom but I look away fast when I see that the bottle is still on the floor. The sight just makes me shiver and I feel uncomfortable. I pull the hood over my head, walking out from the house before locking the door.