"I have arrived, peasants!"

"Why are you late? Why are you dripping wet? I have so many questions."

"My car broke down on the way here and I forgot to bring an umbrella."

"Wow, I can't believe you have a reasonable explanation."

"Psych! I fell into a river because I tripped on a rock while staring up at a cloud shaped like Wall-E. Now I need to give you a welcome hug!"

"Wha– no! Get off me before you drench my new suit."

"Ugh, why are you wearing a suit? You are so boring."

"I'm wearing a suit because it's a formal occasion! It's our third time introducing Yilei for the Wattpad Block Party."

"Oh, that spy person? How did she get invited back to this event?"

"Psst, genius. She pays us, remember? Now shut your face before we get fired."

"Fine by me. I have two side businesses anyway."

"What? When? How? Why?"

"An entrepreneur never tells."

"I'm going to continue pestering you after our shift ends. Anywho, Yilei wrote an instruction manual on how to take care of writers."

"Uh, how to do what now?"

"Hold on a sec. Is this script legit?"

"Yep, she's really gone off the deep end this time. An instruction manual? Totally cuckoo."

"Well, even though she may be scraping the bottom of the barrel here, we still hope you enjoy the whatever she's written this time."

"Why do you keep speaking to thin air? You're just as cuckoo as our boss."

"I would rather speak to thin air than you."

"Touché."

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

To Whom It May Concern,

Your Writer has been delivered to your doorstep. We will require a signature before you are able to claim ownership over Your Writer, and we have provided instructions below on how to properly take care of them.

When you unbox Your Writer, ensure that they are equipped with pen and paper, along with a functional laptop.

Our writers have been programmed with the ability to type up to 120 words per minute, but those models wear out quickly. The model you have purchased types at a speedy 80 words per minute and is able to maintain typing stamina for up to three hours.

Your Writer may choose to write with pen and paper, but be prepared for ink blotches staining your desk and frequent complaints about hand cramps.

Many writers have specific spots in which they enjoy writing. We have found that the majority of them enjoy cafés and libraries, along with their own beds or blanket forts.

If you wish to go the extra mile and build a blanket fort for Your Writer, make sure to embellish it with twinkle lights and many pillows. A scented candle may also please Your Writer. If they enjoy the sound of rain, we find that screaming at the sky to "get on with it" is ineffective. We suggest downloading an app which plays rain sounds, which Your Writer will be satisfied with.

Feed Your Writer at regular intervals. They are prone to hunger attacks and may become hangry at any given moment. Our writers have been programmed to sustain their writing energy for as long as possible, and require nutrition to do so.

Though any food may be adequate for Your Writer, cake and chocolate are particularly effective. You may find that Your Writer crashes after a sugar high, so approach simple carbohydrates with care. Caffeine also boosts writing efficiency by 60 percent.

Support Your Writer by voting and commenting on their work. Votes will never fail to cheer up Your Writer as it shows that you enjoy their writing. The motivation of a writer is often fuelled by fan support and frequent reassurances that their story is worth reading.

Unless Your Writer consents to it, refrain from referencing irrelevant characters or dialogue from other stories and comparing it to the story Your Writer wrote. Most writers do not appreciate being told that their hard work is essentially a carbon copy of another novel. For example, Your Writer may be exasperated when they write "okay?" in their dialogue and receive a hundred comments referencing The Fault In Our Stars.

Though constructive criticism may be beneficial, be sure to check with Your Writer by luring them out with the scent of new paperbacks and politely asking whether they wish to hear criticism. Be sure to respect Your Writer despite their answer. If Your Writer would rather not hear criticism, then either comment positive things or refrain from commenting at all.

On the other hand, never lie to Your Writer. They may appreciate fake compliments in the short term, but lying will do more damage in the long run, especially if they wish to pursue a career in writing. If you would like to do minimal emotional damage to your writer, be sure to phrase your criticism with care.

Never say anything blatantly hateful to Your Writer about their work. At best, they will ignore you. At worst, they will lock you out of your house and eat all your food.

Alternatively, Your Writer may shrink into a ball of sadness and never write again. Our writers have been programmed to feel strongly protective of their own written work, no matter how much they insist it is "a piece of trash" and should be fed into the nearest paper shredder.

Your Writer may express periods of peculiar activity. These endeavors may include repeatedly banging their head against the wall and incessant complaining. The diagnosis for these symptoms is writer's block. Calm down Your Writer with more food and new books. Give them a hug if they consent to be touched. Your Writer will regain inspiration if you give them time.

If Your Writer has lost motivation to write their story and appears to be taking it out on innocent civilians in close proximity, show them a cute animal video. Scientific studies have shown that cute animal videos reduce aggression in writers by 118 percent.

If Your Writer is experiencing burnout, then tear their eyes away from their work and take them on a walk. You will experience greater success if you bring a puppy for Your Writer to play with. If Your Writer has allergies to animals, be sure to bring their medication.

Remember to feed Your Writer a vegetable once in a while so they do not malfunction. They must also be hydrated with water, so keep a glass of it on their desk at all times, no matter how much they plead for coffee.

Furthermore, ensure that Your Writer sleeps for an adequate number of hours and does not stay up too late to finish their latest chapter. If you hear Your Writer muttering new story ideas in their sleep, make sure to jot them down.

While Your Writer naps, promote their story by posting regularly on social media. Our smartphones are sold separately, but be aware that they are essential for promotion. Your Writer will often enjoy interacting with their fans, but if Your Writer spends too much time scrolling aimlessly through their Twitter feed, then install an app which blocks social media temporarily.

If you adhere to these rules, you will find that Your Writer will be a pleasant addition to your household. Your Writer will usually not bother you, as they are too busy writing furiously in their chosen location. You will also have exclusive entertainment if Your Writer allows you to read their chapters before they are posted.

We hope our service has been satisfactory. If you wish to contact us for any reason, whether you would like to purchase an accessory or Your Writer has malfunctioned, we have provided our contact details at the bottom of this letter. We wish you luck on this journey with your brand new writer.

Regards,

Build-A-Writer Workshop

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

"Well, that was surprisingly informative. A bit weird, but informative still."

"You're giving her too much credit."

"Well, I don't care. Payday is tomorrow and I'm not going to do anything to screw up my chances of being paid."

"You need another job, mon ami. Speaking of paychecks, shouldn't we be announcing a giveaway?"

"Oh right, Yilei will be giving away a 50% discount code for Scrivener! Make sure to enter her giveaway for a chance to win."

"Scriv-what now?"

"It's this fancy writing platform that tons of authors use."

"Right, whatever. So, what are these banners for?"

"You mean the rainbow banners hanging above our heads which clearly state that it's Yilei's six year anniversary on Wattpad?"

"Yep, those. What are they?"

"Good lord, you are impossible. Well, as usual, Yilei would like to thank Kelly for hosting another awesome block party!"

"Yep, I have to admit, this was a well-orchestrated event, even by my standards."

"Your standards? Are you kidding me? Since when have you hosted anything in your life?"

"Since just now. Thank you for being here, ladies and gentlemen! Goodnight!"

"Where is that cheering coming from?"

"..."

"Holy crap! Is that a confetti cannon?"

"..."

"Hello? Why did the lights go out? Where are you?"

"..."

"Well, I suppose that's one way to make a dramatic exit."